Tuesday, 21 July 2009
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When Things Get Out of Hand
Here's some background information: I’ve been best friends with this guy for years - we’re talking ever since I realized that maybe, just maybe, not all guys had cooties, he’s been there. We’ll call him.. Mark.Mark, ever since he discovered girls, has been in and out of relationships. Most of them were pretty heavy, but none of them lasted very long. The reasons are generally all the same:
A.) His girlfriends never really got to liking me, and if we were friends prior to their dating Mark, we definitely weren’t friends during or after.
B.) He confessed to liking me pretty early on in puberty. In a pubescent boy kind of way, it was sweet...but I was never the kind of girl that went along with the juvenile hand holding, book-carrying kind of puppy love as seen in fifth grade through eighth.In theory, if we’re going by his reasoning, he dated those other girls because I was unavailable, while keeping me close “just in case”. See, it’s pretty genius. He gets, not only the sex and attention, but also his best friend.
Fast Forward: Finally we got into a relationship. He knew that I'd never had sex with any of my previous partners. He knew that I was saving it for marriage. He also knew that as far as sexual experiences go, in my twenty years of life, I had none aside from kissing and making out.
I picked him up drunk the other night from the bar, something I’d regularly do. He never really gets drunk, so I thought it would be okay to head to his place, go in, and watch a movie.
Knowing what he knows about me, however, should have told him that I would, under no circumstances, sleep with him. As it was, the chances of us doing more than making out were already pretty slim. Knowing this, I thought it was pretty strange when he suddenly pinned me down and tried to, literally, get into my pants, all the while shoving his tongue down my throat.
Not impressed, I attempted to push him off. I’m a naturally petite person, weighing in at barely a hundred pounds, and even then, not much more soaking wet. He’s bigger than I am, and probably has my weight in muscle alone. As you can very well tell, he didn’t go as far as I anticipated when I shoved him.
He eventually got into my pants, with only his hand, thank God. It hurt, it was unpleasant, and it makes me wonder why people seem to enjoy sex so much. With his tongue still shoved down my throat, I managed to get his hand out and away from me, and curl up, away from him.
I never meant to lead to him on, although I don’t really see how I could have. He’s been my best friend through everything, and I know he knows me better than himself sometimes. So I guess my questions are…
What happened? Did I lead him on? What happens now- what should I do? I know that a second chance is slim. Very slim. As in microscopic - smaller than a freaking proton. Should I tell his mother that I won’t be coming to help her garden on Wednesdays and Fridays anymore?
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Comments (51)
Uh, you should talk to him.
you definitely were not leading him on. but he was drunk, i wouldn't shut the door on him just yet. i'm very happy that you got him off you, though.
definitely sit him down and have an intense talk.
Yeah, I'd stay the fuck away from that stupid drunk bastard.
But before you stay the fuck away, seriously, kick him in his junk and run. He deserves it.
It sounds like for some reason you are blaming yourself for what happened. Don't. You didn't do anything wrong. You had made your boundaries/expectations known to him from the beginning. By the way, you never do anything drunk that you haven't at least considered while sober. Drunk or not, he tried to make you do something you clearly did not want. That still counts as sexual assault. Alcohol is never an excuse for trying to do something like that.
seriously. just stay away from him. break it off.
you already got turned off by such rude actions by him.
and he should know better then to try anything
drunk...and especially without making sure the girl is okay with that.
@LlothoftheDrow@xanga - Completely agree.
Alcohol or no alcohol, he should have never done that. I'm pretty sure he wasn't drunk and he may or may not use that as an excuse for his actions.
Neither way, he crossed his boundaries. Personally, I don't think I could look and talk to someone who did that to me the same again regardless if he had alcohol in his system or not.
People tend to use the "alcohol" excuse for way too long now. It's time to owe up to their actions alone.
@LlothoftheDrow@xanga - Agreed! Exactly.
Not your fault at all.
By the way, people enjoy sex because it feels good and doesn't hurt- don't let this one experience ruin your perspective of it or cloud your anticipation of the real thing. He was drunk and rough. Alcohol is no excuse whatsoever- it just helps explain his selfish manhandling of you. A real man, not clouded by alcohol, will treat you tenderly even in the throes of his passion for you and make sure you want what he is doing and that you feel good. Lovemaking is not an awful pit of men smashing unwilling ladies beneath them while shoving obtrusive tongues down their throats. I am sorry you had this experience!
Yeah, you might want to give his mom that call if your gut tells you to back off. You can stay the heck away from him if you so choose- at least, now that he's shown that he his this capability, never pick him up drunk again- or you can perhaps have one serious talk with him experience and he had better take it seriously. If he doesn't, bye bye to him. Maybe bye bye anyway. It's your call, he did the jerk caveman thing and it's totally fine for you to not want to see him again.
this seems like a hard place to be in. i mean...he's been your best friend forever! maybe you guys could just go back to being friends...all i know is, i wouldnt be caught dead with him if he's been drinking. some people don't realize what they do/how they act when they are drunk. not that this is an excuse!! i'm just saying perhaps you should talk to him -when he is sober- and explain to him how it made you feel. in his intoxicated state, he could have perceived that you wanted him to try to have sex with you. it could be that he feels like a total doucebag about the whole situation (which he should!) and wants the chance to apologize. in any case, you should do what your heart tells you. and if you like his mom, you should help her garden. she wasnt the one who tried to pull a fast one, after all. who knows- maybe you could talk to her about it if she's that kind of mom and you have that kind of relationship.
maybe i give second chances too easily. but i think you should at least talk to him before you throw away such a long history together.
Well it was bad because it was not romantic or even erotic but forced.
You, my dear, were sexually assaulted. You should report him. At the very least, you should stay far, far away from him...
**hugs**
This is not your fault...he did exactly what he wanted to do...except he didn't get as far as he wanted to...if he had, I believe you wouldn't be a virgin anymore...
Sex is supposed to be incredibly enjoyable...and it is when one isn't being forced into it... I'm sorry this happened to you...
I say.......talk to him. but alcohol is no excuse. people do things when they are drunk that they probably wouldnt do sober because they have liquid courage. id be mad if i were you. no one has the right to violate you. and truth is, he knew better and violated your trust.
@xourlastendeavorx@xanga - true.
this was NOT your fault. you shouldn't feel guilty or blame yourself. you did nothing wrong. you told him from the start that you weren't having sex until marriage and he knew you have never done anything sexual with anyone. he was a drunken bastard.
you should talk to him about what happened.
xo
@DistantStarlight@xanga - Fantastic comment. And the comment of the person you were responding to (or simply in agreement with) was fantastic as well.
Sex isn't meant to be painful, but your body has to be in a state of arousal for it to feel good (which you clearly weren't). Please don't let this instance of sexual assault cloud your view of sex.
Also, what happened is no fault of your own. While he was clearly in the wrong, I still suggest talking to him. I dated an alcoholic for four months of my life (and only four months, thank God) who was entirely two different people (in every way) drunk and sober. Before we broke up, we talked it out, and while it didn't inspire me to stay by any means, it did create in me an understanding and awareness of the complexity of the issue that I still have with me today.
Alcohol is not an excuse, ever, but it is a powerful substance. And while it's true that one never does anything drunk that they haven't considered sober, not all that consideration is conscious thought or something commonly (or rationally) entertained. You should speak with him and see what he remembers and if he feels remorse. It might not be enough for you to stay (and probably shouldn't be), but his answer may surprise you.
what an unfortunate situation. here, you have your best friend and they did something you never would have imagined. It almost makes you wonder whether you knew them at all. Take some time to cool off from him and then talk to him when your head is clear.
talk to him, but next time don't go over his house when he's drunk!
Drunkenness magnifies one's secret intentions and desires. It's up to you to interpret how much of his action was his own fault and how much the drink was responsible.
You are blaming yourself for something that was beyond your control. He was the one who was drunk, and he was the one who came onto you in his drunken stupor. His actions are not your fault whatsoever. You need to sit him down and have a serious discussion about this.
@Meowmeowkimmaee@xanga - Agreed.
pfft young boys and their hormones. definitely not your fault, but now you know not to put yourself in situations like that --- but to reiterate, not your fault at all. however, shit could still happen to you even when you're not at fault.
He crossed the boundaries, clearly.
I think you should just stop talking/keeping contact with him.
You definitely weren't leading him on. I think you should have a talk with him. Obviously he was acting out of drunken retardedness but it does NOT excuse his behavior. If he apologizes, good, if not....bad....stay away from him. Now even if he apologizes, you have to see if you can forgive him and still be with him. You haven't mentioned how much you like him and how much you see him in your future. Has it affected how you viewed him since then...future wise?
If you feel you can't trust him anymore or for now...break up and tell him to learn to respect a woman before getting into a relationship with them....You have alot of thinking to do.
Whoa there. This is not just some "experience" or "drunkenness". This is complete sexual assault, by a trusted friend. Most sexual assaults happen through people you know.
While you may be reluctant to report him or do anything official about it, it is important to let him know that, with or without alcohol, what he did was wrong and ultimately, something the law as well as other people frown on.
This is not a friendship worth pursuing if one of the two becomes a victim.
Just because a girl wears a short skirt, she is not leading any men on. Just because a woman invites a drunken man in, while trusting him, she is not leading him on.
Sex is, in my own small opinion, something to be enjoyed. With consent and trust. With those two things, it is amazing and should not hurt. It shouldn't be anything pushed on to you, especially in a state of drunkenness. When you are ready and it's with someone you love, it'll feel right.
I hope you find the courage to do what you think is right, now.
XOXO, Yupgigirl.
you should definitely talk to him. he probably thought since u guys were going out and you've been friends for so long, you might be more comfortable with him with the sex issue, but you're obviously not there yet, so you should let him know he seriously messed up when he tried to get in your pants forcefully, and if he wants to work things out with you, he better be willing to wait.
I, too, am saving sex for marriage, and my bf knows this (even though he's been with a number of partners). I've picked him up from bars buzzed/drunk a great number of times, and he has never, EVER done anything that has made me uncomfortable, even when I went into his house and we started making out even! So I think being drunk is no excuse.
is it me...or does that sound like rape?