Sunday, 19 July 2009
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Blame Your Parents For How You Treat Your SO?
I'm talking to a friend about her situation with a commitment-phobe boyfriend. All of a sudden, I remember this interesting theory, after hearing Chris Rock's comedy: any relationship or thoughts on your boyfriend or girlfriend stems closely from your relationship or problems with your parents. Chris Rock opened his comedy CD "Never Scared" with the idea that his placement and his actions as a father to his little baby girl is going to affect her relationship, and possibly her sight of men for the rest of her life. After thinking about a blog I saw on Netscape that once read, "if you have yourself a good guy, thank his mama," I wonder, would you blame your parents for your fear of commitment or your sight of the opposite sex?
Let's talk about the bad guys, the commitment-phobes, the bedhoppers. Good guys that don't always get the girls are taught to respect women. The good guy mostly respects his mama or somewhat fears his mama as a child. The jerk may have done the same thing, but now his hatred for his mother carries on into either finding a better girl to give love to or just letting go of women in general. According to psychology, if a man turns out to be bad or a commitment-phobe or doesn't really like women, then that stems with rough problems having to do with their mom growing up. Same going with women and their dads.
The idea is that all that it takes to respect a certain type is unconditional love from the opposite sex parent, and no amount of respect or love as a child can affect your approach with the opposite sex for the rest of your life.
Do any of you believe in this idea?
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- From: mynameisblueskye@xanga
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Comments (13)
I think it's not just parents, but siblings also. Your immediate family growing up shapes you as a person. What I look for in a guy is a combination of traits I admire in my dad and my older brother.
I never really had a lot of problems with my parents, so I can't really say. However... My dad is pretty quiet and distant sometimes, and that tends to frustrate me about my boyfriend, too... Though that could just be the fact that guys are a little bit more closed up about emotions than girls are.
Yes.
i dunno, there must be other factors as well. what if i didn't have a dad when i grew up?
You obviously can't blame everything on the parents, but they are a definite contributor. My boyfriend has a really healthy family, not perfect of course, but he has a good relationship with his parents. Whereas my family is really messed up (even therapy didn't help us much) and my parents and I don't have a close or trusting relationship at all. I can see that my boyfriend has a much healthier attitude toward our relationship than I do. It's really hard for me, but easy for him, to be a good SO. I try to model his behaviors and not my parents'.
@snapeful@xanga - Let's say I dated a girl who had no father. She had no idea about what a man is like. Heaven forbid whose without dads grab anyone based upon first impression.
Perhaps, the sudden misfortune of your boyfriend secretly being like a father figure to you?
i disagree with that, i came from a very messed up family. i did have my issues to sort through but i never saw any of my SO's as my 'father figure' so to speak.
my dad is an alcoholic and my mom left us (me & my brother) for her bf. and when they both were together and around it wasn't a kodak moment.
i learned that i could continue this cycle of abuse or find a man that would treat me right and i did.
he also has his share of issues, but that doesn't mean he sees me as the embodiment of his issues he knows that i am myself.
sometimes when i do have slip ups we talk it out
you can't blame your parents for the wrong they did, however you can take the time to fix yourself to be the person that you want to be.
my relationship w/ 'mom' is rocky and it does still bug me when she tells me how well she takes care of her bf.
but that is, what it is.
all you can do is take care of yourself and move on with your life.
good luck to everyone who has issues
YES.
i mean you can't blame your parents for everything but I defiantly see a connection between my family relationships and other relationships, not just significant others.
I think it definitely plays a huge role. Sure there can be other factors, like maybe a guy is a jerk because his friends are jerks, but generally, yes, I think a good guy will have a good relatioship with his parents. And they say, "If you want to see how a guy will treat you, see how he treats his mother." It has always been true in my relationships.
My girlfriend's a commitment-phobe and it all started when her dad said that he wasn't in love with her mom anymore but they decided to stay together anyway because they're so far along in life.
She says she's terrified that'll that happen to her, and she's scared of it from both sides. She thinks she's going to end up in that situation, as either her mom or her dad, and now lately she's afraid to move in with me in two weeks, which we've been planning for like a year, but she only started freaking out about around the time this stuff with her parents all started. She gave me back my promise ring and told me we aren't allowed to talk about the future; we just have to live in the moment for the time being.
She has a very close relationship with her mom. Hell yes it affects things.
I think your upbringing and childhood reflects a lot in your personality and your relationships. I'm not afraid of commitment, but I have trust issues. And that's partly due to personal issues.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - well "father figure" is a bit vague. careful observation.. heaven forbid. and sorry hon, i dont really have a boyfriend, and even if i weren't single it woudln't be with a guy. :o
a man who holds his mom in high respect, and loves her dearly (but it not a psycho mammas boy) will treat you the same, with respect and loving you whole-heartedly. i know this from experiences. any bf i had that would curse and defile his mother, was an asshole. my fiance, who i love with all my heart, loves and respects his mom. she taught him how to be a gentleman and how to treat a lady right. he still holds doors open for me, etc.
Hmmm..I think I agree somewhat. I'm with a wonderful guy who has a great relationship with his parents. His dad didn't really spend much time with growing up due to military obligations and such. He says that I remind him of his mother and sister in a lot of ways. It's so easy for him to treat me well. Now me on the other hand. I was raised by my great aunts and my mom. I don't know much about the male species aside from what I hear other people talk about. I seem to gravitate toward them more than females, maybe I'm just curious. Girls tend to get on my nerves sometimes because I find myself always helping them with their problems and whatnot..the same way I went to my great aunts for advice when I was younger. I think my SO is filling quite a few spaces in my life...i.e the father that wasn't in the picture, the older brother, and the SO. He's nothing like the average guy and is in touch with his feelings way more easier than I am. We sometimes joke that I'm the "guy" in the relationship. So I'm not quite sure how this whole "what you look for in a guy or what bugs you about one is based off your parents and siblings" I'm an only child and it's always been me and my mom. I guess what I look for is a guy that's not like everyone I've heard the women in my life complain about, and I've found him. I wonder what the sociological perspective is on my situation.