Miss WalrusWhen I moved into my humble little abode (aka my 3rd floor dorm) my freshman year of college, I fell in love with exactly three things: the "snooze" button on my alarm clock, the Wacky Wednesday pizza special & Ani Difranco.
However, my love for Ani definitely exceeded my love for extra sleep & extra pounds. One of my favorite Ani songs, "Not A Pretty Girl" also contains of my favorite lyrics ever: "I ain't no damsel in distress/& I don't need to be rescued".
I'm kinda going through a bit of a rocky time in my relationship right now & after reading an extremely long, drawn-out, overly-dramatic FB message from the boyf, this line came to mind. Basically, within his 10-paragraph love/hate letter (yes, it really was both at the same time), he touched on two important things: 1) he wasn't sure if he could be in a a relationship with me & 2) he felt that I needed his, um, "help" with a few issues.
I'm not gonna lie, in the month or so we've been dating, the boy & I have touched on some pretty intense, emotional issues. I think that's just the place that both of us are at in our lives right now, so it seemed right to discuss these topics with each other.
However, I think my boy is taking the fact that I am personally trying to work through some of my demons as a way to make himself feel "needed" in my life.
But the fact of the matter is, they are MY issues - & they always will be. I fully claim them & never asked for his "help" with any of them, though obviously, if he's my boyfriend, he is gonna hear about them & need to support me while I'm figuring myself out.
But, from what I gathered from the letter, he is definitely prone to seeking out "damsels in distress" - women who are going through obvious emotional issues - & trying to "help" them. Chivalrous? Maybe. But realistic? No way. Boyf is just drawn to women with "problems," he said. But the only real problem here is that there's not really any real problems I need him to help me with. I think he is trying to create them in order to make himself feel needed & special in my life. But the fact is that he already is those things - without having to be my personal therapist/life coach/tutor.
So this is a question I wanted some feedback on: Is there really something attractive about being a
damsel in distress? Do men really still think this way? Aren't we taught that confidence is what makes a woman attractive? I'm getting some pretty mixed signals!
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Comments (24)
It is mixed... because our society tells us two things at once: guys love to rescue damsels, and confident women are the ones who succeed. I believe this is the balance: be confident enough in who you are as a person, but let him help (not rescue!) you. Guys need to be needed - I truly believe it's how they're wired. But by being confident, you win on both fronts - because 1. you're confident in yourself and that's always beautiful, and 2. by letting him help you, you're showing that you still want him in your life. The key is to want, but not need. Neediness makes a woman the damsel, makes her sniveling and a doormat... but wanting without needing is empowering. You want him - great. Go for it... carpe deim! But you don't need him - you can still stand on your own two feet. Sounds like your guy needs you to need him - are you willing to put up with that? We all have problems - but maybe you need to step back and figure out why you're drawn to him (and why he's drawn to you) before you keep moving forward in the relationship.
I think it depends...the damsel on drugs and spiraling into depression is less attractive than the one who pouts from time to time because she just didn't get things to be her way.
It depends on the guy, really, although I would say they're more likely to be attracted to girls who need simple things like tutoring or having someone fix her laptop or car. No normal guy will go chasing after girls who are in serious emotional trouble.
I'm guilty of that but I don't seek out the damsel in distress, the tend to find me. I try my best to help and in the process, we sometimes become emotionally attached. Once they get back on solid ground, I often feel like she no longer needs me and that it's time to move on. There's no anger or resentment, just a quiet goodbye as I slowly let her drift away. I will check in from time to time, just to make sure she's doing well.
I couldn't tell you why I fall for the girl with the broken smile, just that my heart melts for the girl that finds comfort and warmth in my arms. Perhaps there is some truth in needing to be needed, as I often find affection from women who are as damaged as I am.
i think it's really personalities. some people (men or women) seek help from others, they need support and guidance. other people like to be that support. i think those people are the minority, though.
i think it's much healthier to want to figure out your own problems without relying on somebody else to help you along. it's great he wants to be there for you, but he really has to back off.
Guy do like to be needed and I think the attraction of the Damsel in Distress is that she is appreciative. The girl who needs nothing has no reason to appreciate you. The flip side is the girl that needs EVERYTHING. Even if the guy is nice enough to try, nobody can do everything two people at the same time.
no, the "damsel in distress" concept disgusts me. and it's infantile and kind of offensive.
When you write a post that's as long as this, is it really that much of a chore to type out "boyfriend?"
My opinion is that guys want to hook up with girls who don't take any crap, but they want to marry the damsels in distress. I know it's obviously not that black and white, but there must be some truth in it.
It drives me crazy, though. It's like Bella in the "Twilight" series. NOT necessarily in the movie, but in the books, all she does is do what Edward tells her and sits around and mopes and shrivels up if he goes away for a minute. I love those books, but I did want to slap her more than a few times for being such a big wuss. Grow a spine!
I'm not around to fawn all over a guy just so he'll rescue me when I'm in need. I mean, I'm not swearing off being helped when I need it, but this isn't a fairy tale. Even if it was, I'd be the one tearing the countryside on horseback and killing pirates, etc. How awesome would that be?
@ViciousGrin63@xanga - I agree! Haha.
i want to marry someone who does not need me to save them but will ask for my help if they do find they need it every now and then.
yu know like a person who knows how to handle what ever comes there way and can on there own but also knows when they would be in to deep cause who really wants to marry someone who is always needing to be saved but at the same time who wants to marry someone that never needs any help
To me, it's not necessarily the damsel in distress herself. It's moreso the feeling your guy gets because of it. My boyf loves to feel like he's my protector, the one who watches over me and fights off all that is bad. It's not because I have a problem or because there's an issue that I need to work through, it's that he gets a good feeling from helping me out of a rut. It makes him feel more masculine, more needed so to speak. I'm just going to make a guess and say that that's probably how it is for a lot of guys, maybe even yours.
I think the general consensus is that it depends on the people involved, but mostly she should be able to hold her own, but still want help.
A whiny, clingy, self-depreciating girl is not very attractive to me (though I've dated them), however a person that doesn't need me in some way or form is not a girl I couldn't work a relationship with for long. I want something that I can do for her to make her feel loved and appreciated, and make me feel useful and wanted. Relationships are two sided. Both sides should give and take.
this is a totally classic relationship pattern- people who are "Rescuers" seek out partners who need "help", and people with issues can be "Victims" who seek out Rescuers. Take for example the war vet who falls in love with his nurse, patients falling in love with doctors and therapists, police officers falling for people with severe emotional trauma...the list goes on and on.
Some people- both male and female- just love to feel needed. It may have something to do with sex roles, but i think it has more to do with personality types.
As the first person said, there is 1) the damsel in distress who is a drug addict spiraling out of control, then there is 2) the damsel in distress who throws a temper tantrum because she didn't get what she wanted, but I think there is a third type of damsel--the one who has issues but puts on a brave face and tries to overcome them by herself even if said issues are too big for her to handle.
1) is in need to serious help, not attractive at all.
2) is a annoying and whiny--NOTHING attractive there
3) I don't know. I would say more attractive than 1 and 2
Some guys have a 'savior complex' and they want to save the girl whether she thinks she needs it or not. I feel like its more common in younger guys, teens, college boys, recently out of college boys. And there are girls who lean toward the dramatic.
Eventually the boys figure out that the women who need saving, there's nothing they can do for them. And eventually those girls will realize, hopefully anyhow, that no man is going to come along and magically fix everything for them. Eventually everyone realizes that Disney has been lying to us our entire lives.
I'm a huge fan of that song! I'd never heard of Ani until I worked at Girl Scout camp one summer and Not A Pretty Girl was the first of her songs I ever heard and I just fell in love with it!
Also, I love the line where she says "Don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down/ Whether or not you show up?"
Ugh! I understand completely. its soo annoying. my bf told me that he likes girls with 'issues'. i was like wth? it made me kinda sick..i mean why would he like girls with issues? shouldnt you like someone who is content with there life and with themsevles and who is stable with there emotions and stuff? I mean idk it just seems weird.....but than again he kind of is the 'nice guy' like really nice. its just annoying how he wants to try and save everyone and stuff. but yeah...
People seek out themselves....[i think].
My bf has issues and he wants someone with issues.
Damsel in distress is all fairy tale. I believe what guys want is to feel appreciated. He wants to know that he's special to you and is capable of helping you solve problems. Guys want to be a man in the relationship; it's a pride thing. In a relationship, the couple depends on each other for something and it feels empowering to know that you are each other's strengths and/or weaknesses. Try putting yourself in his shoes and think, "if my gf is spilling her guts out to me and I want to support her, what can I do to make her feel better? My heart aches when my gf is sad or distressed, so as a bf, I need to console her." Yes, when you talk about your problems, your bf is there to listen and support you, but then he feels that your problem is also his problem b/c he feels bad when you feel bad. He cares about you and wants you to feel better, so he tries to help. That's how I see it. It's not that he always have to save you, but he wants to be there for you and he wants to know that he is part of your life and that you don't always have to deal with all your problems yourself.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but if you can deal with all your problems yourself and only want your bf there to share happy moments, then you don't need a bf in the first place. A relationship is always made up of happiness and sadness, good and bad memories, but as a couple, there are times when you should overcome obstacles together. All your bf wants is to be that special person in your life that you aren't scared to show your vulnerablity to at times. No matter how independent, confident and/or prideful you are, you still have moments of weakness and when that moment comes, don't be afraid to depend on your bf a little. He just wants to become an important part of your life
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i personally think the only thing men find really attractive about a damsel in distress is that she always needs saving. some men like to be the knight and shining armor and/or superhero.
This post made me wonder whatever happened to that Disney Rapunzel film thats in the image up there. Chivalry is dead because women killed it... and we're all better off.
Nothing like a woman getting offended because you tried to hold the door open for her... then her being a smart ass later and try to hold it open for you. But even worse is a woman who expects/demands you to do these things, which takes the special feeling you get from doing it away completely. SO yes, in a way its mildly attractive because its a means of passive aggressive "hey dumb ass, notice me and come ask me out" on the woman's part... but when its laid on thick and milked to death? Nauseating.
...But yeah, Rapunzel is going to "look" dope. But the whole "helpless princess" thing is pretty much dead. We don't need another generation of women with the princess complex. I'd like to see them spin it so SHE saved the guy's ass. That'd be progressive and new.
"I think he is trying to create them in order to make himself feel needed & special in my life."
Sounds like maybe he wants some affirmation? Girls AND guys like to feel like they're wanted and important. Have you ever told him straight up "that he already is those things - without having to be my personal therapist/life coach/tutor"?
Maybe there is a sense of chivalry in it, or maybe he just wants to feel important. Either way, it's not so much the damsel in distress thing that's attractive, I think. I mean, seriously, who wants to be Dr. Phil? Anyone?
some guys just have a savior complex. they feel like they can be the answer to all your problems if you just let them inside. there's a difference between helping where you can and wanting to be the knight in shining armor. i think one of the breaking points for my last relationship was that he couldn't "fix" my self injury. he finally realized that there was nothing he could do to stop me, and it really hurt him.
In my experience, guys want to be the big, tough rescuer of the girl, but they don't want clingy, drama-ridden girls to rescue. And when they've rescued you, they'd like some appreciation. If they need help, they'd like for you to listen.
I appreciate the guy who'll hold a door open for me, or step back to let me go first. It shows that he respects me, just because I'm female. He doesn't know me, but he respects me. That's important. And I like knowing that I've got guys that are willing and able to rescue me should a situation I can't handle (or several situations that if alone, I could handle, pile up and threaten to drown me) arise.
I think it's kinda like the knight in shining amor thing. It's a hard one to pin down guy's feel compelled to help women but don't want a needy woman. I don't know I'm a guy and I'm confused about it. lol.