Saturday, 18 July 2009
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He Think I Should Give Him A Key.
I have a complicated issue. I will try to streamline as much as possible.I have been dating this guy for almost a year. A few months ago he moved in with me because he found a job closer to my apartment than to his mom's, where he lived before, which is an hour away.
We work opposing shifts - he on 1st and me on 2nd, leaving him to his own devices most evenings. At the end of March I found out he cheated on me, in my own apartment, one night while I was at work. The following week I found out I was carrying his child.
He is still staying with me because I don't want him to give up his job now that we have a baby on the way. We have been trying to work through our issues for the sake of the kid. However, I won't let him have a key.
This has turned into a huge argument at least once per week. He claims that he can't earn my trust back unless I give him a key. I contend that allowing him access to my apartment when I have no idea what he is doing in there will not help to earn my trust back. He also says that since he pays me rent he deserves a key and if I refuse to give him one, I clearly don't care about him and he is going to leave (he meets me there when I get off of work).
This all happened less than two months ago. He refuses to accept my boundaries and will not stop asking for the key. He says I'm being controlling and selfish because I don't trust him alone in my place.
I'm not asking for advice here - because he simply isn't getting a key. I just want to know if I'm crazy or he is.
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- From: Manda@xanga
- Name: Manda
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Comments (53)
I think it's your right not to let him have the keys to your place. It does make things more difficult, but then again he did violate your trust in him. I hear you on trying to patch things up with him if only for the kid, but there's only so much that you can/should do. He can always just move out and get his own place; problem solved. But it's your place, and house rules, I say. Not like you need his rent money or anything, right?
I think you're being absolutely ridiculous. If he's living with you and paying rent, technically, he's not living in YOUR place, you're living TOGETHER. Not being able to get into the place I live would drive me nuts. I think you're just pushing him away even further. I understand that he's cheated on you, but you've chosen to get over that, haven't you?
"I contend that allowing him access to my apartment when I have no idea
what he is doing in there will not help to earn my trust back."
Um, hello.. do you need to know what he is doing at every minute? Give him some space. Learning to TRUST him is exactly this -- learning to trust that he won't be cheating while you don't know what he's doing. I wouldn't be surprised if he left you, or cheated on you again. You're just pushing him away.
Agree with Steph. If he's living in the same place as you and is paying rent, you're living together. He has all the right in the world to have a key to the place that he lives.
Yeah, if he's paying rent, DEFINITELY you need to let him have a key. Even if you don't trust him as your boyfriend, he's at the very least a roommate- can you imagine renting a room you don't get a key to? The way you're acting sounds kind of retarded. I can understand why you're upset with him, but you have no right to control his comings and goings from his own home.
Crazy is not a term that I would use. You are in a stressful situation. Having to make difficult choices in an unclear mind can test a person's sanity.
I would like to point out you are unhappy. You say that you are staying with him for the sake of your baby. Why can't you move on and be happy for your baby's sake? A mother's stress is the child's stress. In addition, don't you think your baby will grow up and know that his/her parents do not love each other?
It will become inevitable that you will need to move on. Do it now and you can begin healing and living again.
You're a fucking crazy psycho bitch. Why exactly isn't he getting a key?? You want him to keep his job but you're making it 100x more difficult for him.
if he's living there and paying rent, he deserves a key. either give him a key or tell him to get his own place. you're being crazy. if you dont trust him end your romantic relationship but if he is living in the apartment he needs a key. its not the same as if he was just visiting/crashing with you, he's paying rent so he's clearly living there, he needs a key! treat him like a roommate.
Let's see... You don't mind him living there, you don't mind him paying his share of the rent, you are not eager for him to move out, and you are not giving him the key... Because he cheated on you. And you are having his baby. And you are not about to kick him out anytime soon. So you figured that the best way to get back at him is not to give him the key to the place where he lives... Well, as long as it makes sense to you... But since you asked - yes, you are the crazy one, not him.
I agree with Steph.
Also, you don't owe him any favors. If you don't want him to live with you, then ask him to find another place to live. You are not obligated to care for him, you are only obligated to care for your child.
He can't earn YOUR trust back? I think the key is an underlying issue for the whole cheating-baby-disconnection problem. Are you really staying with him because of the baby? And if so, what are the boundaries? Are you still a couple?
he cheated on you, you have to end it. get a roommate if you cannot afford the rent on your own. he will never earn your trust back, and frankly, he doesn't deserve it. I don't think having a baby together is a good idea either.
staying together for the kid isn't worth it. the father can still be in the baby's life without the two of you being a couple. my parents "stayed together for the kids" and I hated it. they clearly hated each other, and all it did was create stress. nobody was happy.
lol @ at all the above bitchy comments.
Just because it's his baby doesn't mean yall need to stay together. He violated your trust, and he wants to be, metaphorically "closer" to you by getting a key and being able to come and go as he pleases. As a manifestation of your anger and the fact that you couldn't control the previous affair, you won't let him have a key- what he really deserves, as the roommate, not as a cheating boyfriend but just as a roommate- and he won't listen or even try to understand or make things right.
It's like two goats butting heads because they won't discuss the big issue. Why do you want to stay with this person? Staying together for a child and being unhappy is worse for the child. Why isn't he listening to you? Why do you think that being able to control his comings and goings means he won't cheat again? I'm assuming he got to know The Other Girl outside of yall's collective apartment.
Honestly, both of yall seem like you're avoiding the main issue, and you're creating a non-issue so you don't have to talk about it. Stay together if you'd like but be real with each other. He hurt you and you want to control what happens. I don't think you're crazy.
If you don't give him the house keys...that means he can't get in w/o you. And what if one day he just really, really wants to go into a house but you aren't there. He'll end up going to someone else's house...and that could mean he's cheating on you at their house. Either way, he could cheat. Why not just stop the arguments? If you're staying together because of the kid...what if you guys end up fighting throughout the kid's childhood? What a beautiful childhood. Just saying. xP
If he wasn't paying rent I'd agree with not giving him the key. But to have to pay rent for a place you don't have the freedom to go in and out as you please, that is ridiculous. What would make a better reason for not giving him the key is "you cheated on me, you're out". More than anything you're being way too forgiving about the matter. Let him take care of himself, he's a grown man. I understand that he cheated on you, and that is unforgivable. Ever hear the old adage "once a cheater, always a cheater"? If he's that idiotic to cheat on you, chances are he will be that idiotic again--in which case, do you really want your child to be raised with a bum father like him?
I can tell that you are making your decision for the baby's sake--this is a good thing. However, your idea of "what will be good for the baby" is incredibly skewered. In my opinion you are better off going the single mom route and see if you can meet a guy who deserves to be your husband and the child's dad. This prospective man may never be your baby's father, but at least he could be the child's daddy (there IS a difference!) I truly pity the future you and your child will have to endure if you stay with your current male.
Take your pick. Either get him OUT, or give him the key.
@ershnuff@xanga - I agree with you.
yeah at first i was thinking: hell no that cheating whore does not deserve a key.
but he's paying half the rent?!
youre crazy. give him a key.
If he pays part of the rent you owe him a key. Sorry babe.
You're crazy. Either give him a key or get him out of there, and your life. I don't care if you're carrying his child. If you can't trust him enough to give him a key to the apartment where he's paying half the rent, then how the hell are you going to trust him to be a good father for your child? If you don't trust him, what are you doing with him? Moreover...what the hell's he doing with you?
He pays you rent and LIVES WITH YOU. Not to mention you're carrying his child...sorry, but I think the guy should have a key. If you refuse, then you need to kick him out, and THAT will give you a good reason not to give him a key. He might be a jerk for cheating on you, but in this case he certainly isn't crazy.
if he`s giving you the money, give him the key.
if you don`t want to give him a key, kick him out.
i guess money does make the world go round.
just out of curiosity, i have a question;
doesn`t god say something about no sex before marriage? are you two married?
are you two together just because of the baby? because that`s no good.
he pays rent and he doesn't even have the key? if he can't even earn your trust back, why are you staying with him? Because of the baby? Then what's the point? Let him earn the trust back and give him a key, or break it off.
if you want to build a trusting mature relationship with a kid. give him a key and stop being an immature bitchy baby.
if you want revenge, dont give him the key.
he pays rent, but he can't have a key? now this is a good reason, i'm not a guy, i'd have changed the locks on your ass and let you "wait" until i get home from work to see how you like not being able to leave and be like a caged animal for a week or two.
and by the way, do you know, that he can HAVE someone come..and fuck them..and not have to leave the place, right? i mean, there is no sense in your reasoning. if he is going to fuck someone else again, he is going to do.
if you don't want to be with him, HAVE HIM MOVE OUT.
why keep him around? i hope not for the baby's sake. he needs to find a place of his own. and you need to get a roommate if you need help with the rent.
good luck.
xo
I'm going to have to agree with the above comments...he lives at your apartment. He is paying to live at your apartment. Which means that the apartment belongs to both of you now, and both of you should have access to it. It's lame not to have a key to your own place.
And as far as cheating goes...he could just as easily cheat on you somewhere else while he's waiting for you to come home and let him in the door, so how is not giving him a key going to stop him from cheating on you? If he's a bum, he's a bum, no matter where he is.