I recently got out of a four year relationship that ended badly.
I was in the middle of my high school career when I met him. I didn't get much attention from guys at the time and I was so happy to be in a relationship that I just soaked it all in. My ex was very affectionate and was constantly hugging me, holding my hand, kissing me, cuddling, etc. and I loved it. Towards the end of our relationship I didn't love it so much and felt like he was invading my personal space and suffocating me, but I just associated it with the problems we were having.
A few months have gone by since we split and I still find myself mentally cringing when I see a couple being affectionate or imagine someone hanging all over me. Don't get me wrong, I've been lonely lately and want to get back in the dating scene, but I think my ex may have actually "broken" my ability to be affectionate with someone. I can't know this for sure as I haven't been with anyone else yet, but I just have this feeling that this is how it's going to be. I feel he used up all of my capacity for physical affection. He was also overly sensitive and probably cried as much as I did. Now sensitive guys kind of weird me out too.
What are your views on my situation? Do you think I'll get over it?
Comments (34)
I am certain that your problems will vanish when you meet someone you definitely want to be affectionate with again. Make sure to pick a good one this time, yeah? : )
omg i am totally in your situation!!! for some reason i feel "disgusted" when i other guys shows an interests in me. i'm not sure what will help heal our hearts except for us believing in ourselves. patience my dear
I think you'll be fine, you just have to wait for the right person and you'll crave the very same thing from them.
Dating is a learning experience ... so maybe you've just learned that sensitive, touchy-feely, over-sensitive guys aren't your type. That's okay! The same thing happened to me when I broke up with my last ex, who sounds a lot like the guy you describe. Even two years after our split, I still don't like touching/physical affection except at certain times. When my boyfriend and I are out in public or hanging out with our friends, we both like to have our own physical space and the ability to be two separate people - not one person attached at the hip.
I'm sure when you find the right guy you'll have a desire for some physical contact again, haha. Just try to find someone who's willing to keep it at a reasonable level and won't suffocate you 24/7.
Long story short, I don't think you've got anything to worry about.
After a 4 year relationship like that, it's not surprising that you're still feeling the effects of it just a few months later. Yeah, things will be better eventually.
@ELIZerson@xanga - Well, it's obvious he affected the young lady in some way, and healing froma bad relationship is always a process. A person will know when they are ready for round two but in case any guy is showing serious interest, she should be honest with him and tell him she is are not ready. If she jump into another relation just because the guy is nice and she doesn't want to come off like she's a stuck-up b****, then chances are it'll be the guy getting hurt this time and that's no good for her either. Hanging out with a guy friend would probably be a positive first step to getting over her intimacy issues.
I must agree with roadlesstaken. it was just a few months as you say. you need more time to heal especially because your relationship lasted for four years, wasn't it? mine was more than three and after a year and three months of not being together, i am still wishing he were around and i am still not fine with the idea of dating somebody else. sometimes i get myself believing that i also have lost the capacity to be attached to other men. but this will not be the case for the rest of your life. you will be fine after some time. however, it will really help you if you go out with other men and try being affectionate again. i mean, you do not have to rush, but you cannot actually refrain yourself from doing this just because you're weirded out. you soon will find yourself ready to be attached again, and when that day comes, i wish it will last throughout your lifetime.
Well, the question is, if it bothered you that much, did you bring it up to him while you were still in the relationship? There are girls who complain that guys are not as affectionate to them anymore and maybe he took it to himself to show you he cares. But if it bothered you, you should have told him and maybe just have him tone it down a bit.
As for sensitive guys, just because they are in touch with their emotions doesn't make them less of a guy. We are all human. You'll probably get over it, but just make sure that if something he does (or just anything) is bothering you, bring it up. Don't just be passive about it.
Every relationship leave it scars on you. But like all wounds they heal give it time.
Maybe you've just realized that you would prefer date someone who's not overly affectionate and sensitive. You can always find a well-balanced guy that will be affectionate but not smothering, so don't worry about it!
@OverBeingUnder521@xanga - Good answer, it's kind of what I was going to say!
Don't rush into a new relationship; give yourself time to heal. I spent like, 2 years trying to get over my 1st boyfriend, because I jumped into another relationship after about 3 months.
i know how you feel and honestly it's best to take a step at a time. you'll get back on your feet eventually. and a lot of people who already commented are right.
1. dating is a learning experience. you'll find that right person. :]
2. yes, it's normal to act the way you are right now. but like i mentioned: baby steps. as much as you do want to get back out there, don't rush it.
i hope you feel better and i'm sure you'll find the guy you've been looking for :]
This is emotional rebound. What you wanted/had, now makes you "ill." Basically it's a relationship hangover and works just like one from booze. Sooner or later, you'll (ahem) open that bottle again.
Good luck.
I think after enough time has gone by and you're comfortable with guys again, you'll be able to express your affections without gagging in reflex.
don't go back to dating because you've been feeling lonely; wait until you meet someone that you'd LIKE to date because you are interested. don't let 'rebound' feelings get the best of you.
I do not think he has "broken" you, in fact I do not even think it is possible to be broken thus. I do not think it is possible to "use up" someones capacity for physical affection. I believe you have just learned to associate these things with being in a bad or unstable relationship. I wish I could offer you help with how to over come this, but I can only try to set you on the right path. The first step is determining the problem and admitting it is a problem.
Being a sensitive guy does not mean crying. Being a sensitive guy means just that, being sensitive. Sensitive to your needs as well as his own. Being wary of the overly sensitive certainly, but there is a distinction between sensitive and overly so.
From personal experience, I would wait a little before going back out onto the dating scene. If you do start dating again, do it for the right reasons. Do not do it because you need someone in your life. You don't need just anyone you can get "on the rebound" you need someone who you can (hopefully) spend the rest of your life with, or lacking that someone who you get a long with and who needs you as much as you need them.
No he didnt break you. The reason why you're feeling that was is because you're single and have no one to do it with, so the thought of it is unfamiliar with you right now. Once you get back into dating and whatnot, i gaurantee that you'll warm up to it
I kind of related to your story. It sucks.
My first boyfriend was really emotional and affectionate too. I loved it at first, then felt suffocated, like you. I felt sad/ cried a lot of times because it seemed like most of the things I did or joked or said would hurt his feelings, and then he'd do the same and be all emo. That was the 2nd year.Anyway ever since I got out of that relationship and dated others, I noticed that every time they would start to get more affectionate I would push them away little by little. And then, I wouldn't want them anymore.
I guess my only advice would be to find someone who will give you space, but still shows that they care. It'll make you want them more, and you'll show your own affection first, or something along those lines... :x
Maaaan, I LOVE sensitive guys. When they cry (rarely o.0), I just want to hold them. It's so cute! Ooookay, but uhhh, yeh lol.
I say just give it time. Let the wounds heal. I'm sure you'll meet someone who's perfect for you, out there! Someone not so sensitive and affectionate, since you seem to not like it as much.
that's kind of how i felt after one breakup... i had just about no interest in guys for almost two years
I know you can get over it. It's just a boy. I know it was four years, but you deserve a guy you want! Good luck! <3
Xoxo
AllTimeLow96
You were in high school when you started dating him. Naturally, you will make the situation sound worse than it really is. I'd advise you to get over yourself before you miss out on perfectly viable opportunities around you.
And yes, either you will get over it and grow up, or be single for the rest of your life
You feel that way now, but I'm sure if you meet someone new, then you'll be alright again. Just make sure you don't let your memories of your ex get in the way of any new potential relationships. =]
It's okay to be wary of super-sensitive guys. sometimes you can't help your aversions and they're there for good reason! I'd wait until you feel ready and you're actually wanting to be affectionate to someone. Everyone goes through periods where they want to only focus on themselves and not a boyfriend. After my first "sensitive" guy (aka trying to control me with hysterical breakdowns whenever I'd make a decision without him), I hated the idea of a boyfriend. That lasted for about three months, and now I'm with a great guy. (However, any guy that types 'hehe' or wears whatever designer perfume OR yells at me when I want to go out with my friends I avoid...sometimes, you gotta trust your instincts). This will pass! No worries. :)
things wil get better... in time... and if you meet the right person
You'll get over it, with time.
And you'll one day meet the right person that will also help you with that.