Friday, 17 July 2009
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My BF Confessed He Was Using Heroin
My current boyfriend is my longtime unrequited love, and boyfriend for over six months now. We were the picturesque couple and the envy of all of my friends. I was blissfully, blindly in love until about a week ago. My boyfriend had a falling out with my friends and about a week later they started texting me telling me that he was on dope and that everyone knew but me. I asked him, and he denied it up and down. Swore he wasn't...over and over again. After these persistent messages I began to get frustrated that my friends just couldn't accept my choice of lifestyle, our relationship, and the fact that we live together. I defended him to the bone and, in the end, lost my friends. I had been having issues with them prior and they live several states away so I figured all would be okay as long as my boyfriend and I had each other. This past weekend, I got more text messages which I frustratedly told him about again. "I trust you though, I know you wouldn't lie to me."
He then EXPLODED. I mean literally people, explode. Flipping things over, slamming the doors, throwing a full blown out 20-year-old temper tantrum. Finally, as soon as I was able to gain some composure I asked him, "Why are you getting so upset over something that's not true?" With that, he started screaming that it was true and he was tired of lying. He then stormed out of the house to go get high and left me begging in tears. (Ugh, pathetic.) So an hour later he comes back and I'm still crying. I trusted him, I lost my friends, he's been lying to me directly for months and did something he knew would hurt me but had the audacity to say that it wasn't affecting our relationship up until this point, that he has a job, pays the bills, and only does it once a week. Does that even make a difference at all? Seriously. So after more arguing and crying he promised me that he won't do it again and he felt awful that he did this to me.
Well, two days later I mentioned that things aren't entirely okay that I'm still really upset and hurt by all of this and it's hard for me to trust him, needless to say, trust the fact that he loves me. Once again, he exploded. Ran out to get high and came back again an hour later. I told him that I would never condone, accept or tolerate what he was doing regardless of how much or how often he does it or how functional he is. Why would I ever compromise my morals and feelings so HE can have fun!? Worse yet, it has affected our relationship.
I'm angry, I don't trust him, and I'm constantly wondering where he is or if he's doing it behind my back. Not only has he dumped our relationship upside-down, but as prideful as I am, I know I could never ask my friends for forgiveness. After the way I acted, I'd be humiliated to admit that they were right, that he is on drugs, and I'm staying with him.
This time, he dumped out all the bags of heroin into the toilet and broke the needle in half. He said if it'll save our relationship and make me happy - he won't do it. I know I should be happy, but I'm not yet. How do I get over this? How do I even attempt to fix the damage? We live together so it's a little more complicated then just breaking up but I don't think thats the answer anyway. I feel like my life is totally out of control; have you ever dated anyone with a drug addiction? If so, what was the outcome?
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- From: MaddiGoLightly@xanga
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Comments (60)
The trust is def gone in this relationship. Do you really think that just because he got rid of all of the heroin he had, he won't get any more? He may talk the talk, but may not walk the walk. If he was my boyfriend I would dump him.
Well, he certainly made a show of throwing everything down the drain, but that doesn't mean he can't find more if he wants it. The first time, he promised he wouldn't do it again, but threw a fit shortly after and did it anyway. I think, if you stay with him, he'll have to walk on eggshells for a long time. I don't know if it's entirely up to you to fix the damage, since it was mostly his lifestyle change that threw everything into disarray in the first place. The thing is, you'll never know if he's telling the truth all the time. I think it might be a good idea to stay with a friend for a while, because distrusting someone all the time can't be too healthy for you... Good luck!
if he's not quitting for himself and merely to "make you happy", chances are, he'll do it again but he just won't tell you.
I am sorry to say if he is on heroine he may never get off of it. I know this is hard to hear but you may need to move out.
As for your friends...if they are true friends they will understand and forgive with no hard feelings. You should not be so full of pride that your friends can't be turned to in times of trouble...that is after all what friends are for.
I think that he needs more to get some professional help. Heroin habits are not that easily broken. If they were, heroin would not be known for being addictive.
Of course, that may be financially hard if you guys are 20 something and living together. In the end, though, I believe that some rehab would serve him well if he really wants to quit. There's no easy way to quit, but rehab makes for a safe and controlled environment to do it in.
He lied to you. &Did so well that you beleived him. How do you know he wont do it again? I dont think you should break up with him, but don't let him think that everything is okay, because obviously it isn't. He hurt you, and he shouldn't just be let off the hook.
Put him in councelling or rehab. DON'T ask him, just put him in it.As for your friends.. It does suck having to admit that you were wrong, but its the right thing to do. It's not like you were purposely disagreeing with them, you honestly thought he was telling you the truth. Well when it comes down to it, your friends are normally telling the truth. They don't have reasons to lie to you, where as your boyfriend does because he didn't want to hurt you.Talk to your friends, tell them that you didn't mean to act that way and that you're just shocked and hurt that he would do this.. and lie to you about it. They'll understand.
Remember to ask them why they didn't tell you until their friendship ended with your boyfriend. Because honestly, thats kind of disrespectful too. Its like they were just trying to get back at him, not thinking about your feelings.Good luck. I hope you guys work it out.
Have him tested for STI's before you ever have sex with him again. Test yourself. That should be the first step. He can swear up and down that he always used clean needles, etc, but how do you know? And how does he know? Truly. When people are high (or drunk for that matter) they don't always make the best decisions. Testing first. Seriously. You shouldn't die because of his selfishness.
It is your choice to stay with him or not. I'm a stranger to you so I can tell you that if you stay you're crazy and have no respect for yourself, but I'm a stranger so why should you listen to me? I know.
My best friend and another very close friend are going through this. My best friend met her current husband at church. He was in a halfway house after getting out of prison. He had been clean for 5 years. (I do believe in the ability to overcome addiction, but I also believe it's devastatingly difficult.) He confessed to her that he had hepatitis B and C. He doesn't know if he contracted it through injecting drugs, or through getting his tats in prison. She has been vaccinated against B and C is very very rarely tested through sexual contact, so most likely she'll never have to worry about getting it. However, she never had him tested further. I told her she was crazy but she didn't listen. 2 weeks before their marriage, he relapsed. She went ahead with the wedding. After their marriage he was using every other weekend, then it became every weekend and soon it was nearly every day. She would come back from work to find things missing that he had pawned for money for drugs. They were just married for 2 years this month. He has spent almost half of that time in jail. She continues to have sex with him and even had a baby a few weeks ago. The baby could be infected. She's never had him tested again, and she had an irregular pap before she got pregnant. She could have something now, and he is the only one she has ever had sex with. She is still with him (sort of..he's currently in jail). Every action and decision he has made has proven he loves the drugs more than he loves her. An addict, until they get control of their addiction, cannot love another person. They are choosing the addiction over anybody and anything else. Getting clean is a difficult task, but it can happen. But only if the addict decides to stop being selfish and make a very difficult sacrifice. Most aren't willing to.
My other friend had a very similar situation, but never married him. They were living together, but she recently packed up her daughters and they moved out. It was the most difficult thing she'd ever done, but it was necessary. Her boyfriend had no desire to change. She is a hero to me. She thought of her daughters and herself and decided not to put them through that any longer.
If he never changes, be prepared for a relationship that you put everything into and he takes everything out of. He will always put himself and his high ahead of you and your needs and feelings.
But regardless of whether you stay or not, I cannot stress enough that you NEED to get tested. And I wouldn't touch him again until he is tested.
I would bet that he is not off the drugs. Just because he dumped his current supply and one needle doesn't mean he doesn't have more. Rehab, or nothing. Seriously.
Your friends are probably waiting for you to find out and talk to them.
If he manages to quit heroin, wow.
Uh, forget the heroin and and the lying for a minute. I know that's saying a lot, but seriously:
The way he handled you raising the issue is completely and totally unacceptable. That'd be grounds for me to end the relationship right there.
You: Honey, you know, I'm hurt that you destroyed the trust in this relationship. We should talk.
Him: *TEMPER TANTRUM*
Does not sound healthy to me.
As someone mentioned, get him professional help (whether he wants it or not), end the relationship, be there for him as a friend, and find yourself someone new.
This is just my two cents so take with as much as salt as needed.
This happens all the time. If it was something else I would say do not worry, but something so addictive as thus can be the prime reason for relationship failure. Eh. I'm sorry. Stay if you feel you must, but be warned you will begin to die inside with this. Seek out help for him, be there. But disengage your love or you will loose too much. And that shit's expensive, so more bills. My truest apologies.
You should seriously consider checking him into rehab. Heroine, as stated before, is very addictive and depending how long he's been on it, (by the way you wrote this it implies that it's been a while), I really doubt that he's completely gone cold turkey.
dump him.
So, you lost all of your friends for this guy you were dating for six months? Blind was the right choice of words. However, you wouldn't be the first person to estrange herself from her friends to hold on to a lie. Won't be the last, either.
Apologize to them. You should not flush your relationships and your life down the drain for this man who has lied to you from the beginning. It's obvious your friends just wanted to see the best for you. They could have just kept quiet about it. I highly doubt he will quit heroin for you. I highly doubt he could quit it by himself cold turkey if he wanted to. And the way he throws tantrums is just pathetic and scary. How can you communicate with a man who throws things, leaves, and then gets high? Communication is key in a relationship. I suggest you move in with a friend until he can get some help. It may sound noble to sacrifice yourself to help him, but really, you need to look out for yourself. Sometimes you gotta love people from afar.
This is a really dangerous situation to be in. Heroin, temper tantrums, and lack of trust do NOT mix.
"Too humiliated" to admit to your friends that you were wrong? Please. Or are your friends really not that important to you? Believe me, if they're true friends, they'll eventually forgive you, and you'll eventually get over the humiliation. Friends are what you need right now, because your relationship with your boyfriend is swirling down the drain.
LOL All three boyfriends I had dated who were on drugs and also addicted to them ended up in jail, two ended up in rehab. None of them have recovered yet. Not to sound so cynical and hopeless... but you have to be a strong woman to stay with him through this problem, not to mention hope that he will actually be willing to change. Maybe some counseling?
My boyfriend and I actually had a similar issue, but with alcohol instead of heroin. Long story short, I odn't condone heavy drinking, any kind of drug use, or anything along those lines. I like having control of my life and therefore don't drink or do anything that'll throw my life out of my hands. My boyfriend, though, being in the air force sees it a little differently. Though he only drinks socially and never downs more than two or three drinks, it has happened. He's abused the alcohol after coming home from a tour and not only lied to me about only drinking "socially", but put me second to the alcohol. And to me, that's not okay.
After these kinds of things happen, it's hard to regain trust. Now what your boyfriend did was MUCH worse than what mine did. Not only did he lie to you, but he ruined your trust and did not treat you right at all. I'm not saying that you should break up, but to me there seems like there needs to be some major reassessing your relationship and it sounds like you two really need to talk.
He needs help to make sure he quits forever. Go to some counseling with him. Hopefully he used his own needles by himself each time. You might want to get him to get checked for STDs. If he keeps doing it he is risking a lot. He could lose you, go to jail, or OD. He really needs help. If you really do love him and are willing to be there for him, then go with him to get help. Maybe he'll need some rehab or something.
Your boyfriend should have the decency to tell you that he was using heroin himself, instead of having your friends telling you this habit of his.
Once the truth is out, your boyfriend is back into a corner...his way of dealing with this? He exploded and got away to get high. No chance to talk, and he left you crying.
You told him his action is hurting you. His reaction? Exploded and got away to get high, again.
He has the choice to NOT do drugs. What good reason does he have for choosing to do it? Additionally, the money he spent on heroin could probably buy him or you something very nice. Dammnn...all those money down the drain...
Plus there's no way he could get along with your friends now. Imagine what would your parents think..
He sounds like quite a catch. Can you imagine being with him for another year, 5 years, 10 years?
You can never trust an addict. They are going to tell you that they're not addictive to it. Then how come they've been doing it for years, some, decades? If it's not addictive, they can quit anytime right? Nope, quitting things like these takes a certain strength in character. My ex-boyfriend didn't have such strength. Whenever I confronted him, he would cut out all communication and come out with excuses to get away. Nothing gets solved and it was a vicious cycle. He blamed me for feeling upset that he does drug, accused me for not loving him the way he is.
Eh, if he's not man enough to solve this relationship/personal problem with you, he's not going to go far with his life. Same job, same place, nothing new and a bunch of hurt and mistrust - you know you deserve so much better!!!!
I was once in a relationship like yours. I'm much happier now that my ex is out of my life. Things are guaranteed to get better from here. Your friends care about you. They're going to be there for you for the tough times to come. Girl, you're still young. Don't gamble your life away with this boy.
People with addictions can rarely just quit...especially if they are doing it for someone else. If he happens to be telling the truth, and did quit, he will relapse. But the more likely possibility is that he's still doing.
I would suggest ending it, merely for the fact that, if he doesn't want help then there is nothing you can do. Nothing will change until he wants to change.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry.
The same thing happened to me with my boyfriend except it was weed and it was 11 months...
But it was a little different because he had been planning on permanently quitting when we transferred, which was supposed to be this year because he plans to get through the rest of college on a scholarship from the airforce, which means weed is a no-no.
However, we're not transferring until next year, and he started again, which is when he realized he'd have to tell me... I don't know what to say, cause he didn't get angry, he got really depressed, and I realize weed is nowhere near as addictive as heroin...
But the general trust thing... Do you know it's the only thing he's been lying to you about? Do you know him well enough to know if he's probably been lying to you about other things?
Whatever you do, don't stay together with him because of pride.
Find somewhere else to live and leave him, because he's likely to find more heroin. If he's been doing it for this long period of time, I guarantee he's addicted. Just because he breaks ONE needle in half and throws his current (or at least PART of it) stash down the toilet doesn't mean that he won't do it anymore. Chances are, by now he's got more. So unless you want to continue going down this road..
And no, I've never been with a druggie.
He can't stop heroin addiction by himself. He needs to go get treatment and in the meantime.. you should move out. I'm not saying break up, but heroin addiction is one of the worst and he seriously needs to go to a treatment center.
How did your friends know that he was using?
I dont think you have a future with this guy....
He's mad because his secret came out, and he doesn't sound ready to quit. People with addictions can only really quit if THEY want to- and it doesn't sound like he wants to. He's also not dealing with it well at all. Throwing stuff is not a good coping mechanism. You're going to get caught in the crosshairs of this and honestly, unless you're ready for that long battle, it's not your problem. He needs to go to Narcotics Anonymous, HE needs to want to quit, and he needs real consequences before that will happen. One of those consequences could be losing you.
And if you're willing to stay around while he tries to get some perspective on this, good for you. It's just...your age. You're really young to have to live the life of getting perpetually lied to by a drug user, attending NA meetings and constantly doubting.