I recently asked my father how he would feel if I married a Muslim, and my father absolutely balked. He said: "I wouldn't be happy if you married a Muslim. He'll face pressure from his family to make you submissive, and then he'll beat you. He won't treat you right. And I'll tell you not to marry him, and the family will tell you not to marry him, and even after he's hit you, you'll still say that everything is all right because you don't want to lose face. And if you ever go to his country, I'll never see you again because you won't even be able to leave the house without his permission. It's happened." There was more along the same vein, but I'm trying to keep it concise.
So I asked him how would he feel if I married an Indian. "It's the same thing with Muslim men, they won't treat you right. They don't treat women as equal, and you'll be beaten down."
S is an Indian-Pakistani-American Muslim. I am a Colombian-Chinese-American Roman Catholic. My father isn't even strictly religious. He practices Tiende. This clearly isn't looking wonderful for approval.
(I've never straight up told my father that S and I are dating, but I'm pretty sure he knows what's going on.) I told S this, and bitter, he told me to assure my father that he doesn't have a family. (S is estranged from his father, and technically his entire family. The details aren't necessary here, but they might come out later.)
S has assured me on many occasions that he would never want to see me wear a burqa, or ever go to Pakistan, or ever try to silence me. S knows how I feel about being treated or viewed as inferior, and that's one of the things he loves about me. And yes, the
pork thing can be an issue at times, but I eat it whenever he's not around. And for an update about the
threesome, he said that in the end, my happiness is his happiness. Clearly, the threesome won't be happening anytime soon :).
And now, I'm wondering, has religion, or race, ever gotten in the way? If not religion, was it something else? Did you move past it, or did you move past him/her?
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Comments (41)
Usually it doesn't conflict in any of my relationships, but I tend to go for guys who normally have the same beliefs as I do, regardless of race.
My friend, "E" married a man from Egypt that she met in college. This guy was totally liberated from his culture (as far as women go) and he would laugh at making her wear long sleeves and not leave the house, etc. To make a long story short, I went to see her about 2 years after they were married, and she walked behind him with long sleeves and pants on and her beautiful long curly hair up in a bun.
If you KNOW in your heart that he will not do this to you, then ultimately you are the one who has to live with the guy, not your dad and it's ultimately your decision. As long as you feel safe and secure with him, have fun!
my dad and step mom tend to push me away from dating outside of my race, but they allow it. it's happened before and it will happen again, regardless of what they say. they don't object but they do say that maybe i should also date within my race (and i do that too...?)
My mom would never admit it but she's pretty racist against blacks. It's not active.. like she doesn't forbid us from bringing them over or hanging out but she does make judgments on friends based solely on their heritage (Of course favoring white/European and Hispanics above all others). It was pretty obvious me and this Jamaican kid were dating but since I never outright admitted it she never said anything, but she was cautious about letting me hang out with him or his family.
I don't think my dad would make a big deal but I'm sure he'd prefer if I kept off black guys.
Though to be honest it's alright because I'm attracted to white boys anyways. lol
My parents don't approve of my boyfriend because he isn't the same religion as I am. :/ It was difficult at first, but now that I've been with him for so long, they no longer degrade him because of his religion. But they still don't like him very much.
your father is a moron
your father sounds very ignorant. i fight with my mum about all sorts of dumbass prejudices she has everyday. on the other hand; based on your other entries, your relationship sounds sort of weird...i hope it is true and well balanced.
idk what to say but good luck
those factors do not define anybody the person defines themselves
My step mom told me I could be with anyone I wanted... just so long as I didn't produce any "half-breeds"... Yeah...
My dad's response was to roll his eyes and tell me something along the lines of "Do whatever the hell you want. Just think your decisions through, and, most importantly, be happy that you made them."
I like my dad. : )
@MilkyWhitesezMoo@xanga - i wouldn't say my father is ignorant, just an old school chinese man who wants the best for his daughter. he saw this documentary about a woman who had married a muslim and had two children with him, and when they went to visit his family in the middle east, it had become a "trap." she wasn't allowed to go outside without her husband, and she had to cover herself up -- even though she wasn't muslim. i think it either took her a few months (or years, i can't remember) to finally be able to sneak off to the american embassy, but she couldn't bring her children with her. i mean, i know and understand that this relationship is up to me, and in the end, my father said that it doesn't matter who i marry as long as he makes me happy and supports me.
Religion and race has never been an issue with my father; if he doesn't like a guy he'll tell me and he will tell me the reason (this has happened twice and it was the same reason; he wasn't respectful enough to me, didn't deserve me, and had a bad past...which were all true of both men...well okay only 1 had a bad past, but the other's were true).
I don't think my parents would care who I dated. When I was really young my Mom admitted that the only man she wouldn't feel totally comfortable with me dating was Asian. I don't think she every explained why, but when I went to college I met a lot of different people (Asian men included) and Mom actually lost whatever issue it was she had with them by that time. I never dated any though, because all I met became more friends than romantic interests, but yea. I did go out on a date with a guy from Saudi Arabi once (my roomate went with his friend). And they were very respectable, we ended up remaining friends, but the difference of race and religion never affected our dinner or our friendship.
Right now, one of my friend and his wife want to hookup me with one of their friends (she's Filippo), I told my mom about it and she was like "oh but filippo are kind of dark [skinned]" and then a day later she told me to decline my friend's good gesture. I am not going to listen to her but she used to tell me she will be okay with me dating other races beside chinese...
Your father is a fuck tard. The end.
Now that's just stupid of how your dad generalizes. I mean, my parents are somewhat racist in a sense, though they wouldn't really admit it. My dad had a hard time dealing with me when I went out with a white girl (I'm Chinese). It seems like the old traditional parents always want their kids to marry within their own race, so-called "keeping the breed pure."
Knowing that your father might have a problem with his religion, you should have introduced him as a person first, not a religion. Most people have generic opinions about certain things, but that doesn't make them bad people, maybe they just don't understand the reality of the situation. In the end, he might end up liking S very much and not even seeing the fact that he's Muslim if he doesn't seem or act like what you father pictures a Muslim to be, you never know.
At the end, it's your life. Choose whom and how you want to live with your as. If you follow your father, mother, relative, whatever choice in your partner till death due us part, the only one who is going to be miserable is you.
Religion had gotten in my husband's and my way when we first dated but eh, he is my husband now and my family and his family has accepted us. Sometimes it's about compromising, respecting, and accepting each other for who they are.. not who they are going to change to be.
My boyfriend is also a Muslim, and is from Saudi Arabia. My parents weren't exactly happy when they first heard about it, but they said they trusted my judgment. Once they met him they agreed he was nice, so I was relieved it went well and they liked him. He went back home to visit his family for the summer and said they all know about me, so I guess they don't totally hate it either. The different religions thing kind of bothers me sometimes, but we're able to talk about our religions to each other without being pushy.
Dang!!....S is complicated, no wonder you are on this site!
Once I dated a white guy. His race wasn't the problem, but the difference between our cultures drove a rift between us (among other reasons) and we eventually broke up.
I think my parents would have a problem with me dating someone who isn't Asian. They would be fine with me dating a filipino boy (im filipina), a vietnamese boy, a chinese boy, a south korean boy, a japanese boy, etc etc... they just wouldn't approve if I started to date or even married someone who wasn't asian.
lol? I'm a German/Egyptian American Muslim and I can say that Muslim men don't beat their girlfriends/wives any more than American men. It's abuse in our religion, too.
Wow, your dad sounds really ignorant.
What my parents would approve of has hardly hit the table, because most guys can't even get past my total approval first, and my parents are actually pleased about that. They wouldn't have a problem at all with race (my Dad is Black, my mom is Korean, and my older brother is dating a White woman) so that's a non-issue. However, I think religion might be a problem. My family and I are Christian--not Bible-thumpers or anything--but we are a family that follows God's Word. I personally want to be with someone who shares the same beliefs as I do, because it helps me to build an even closer connection. No matter how much I like that person, it would be difficult for me to share a life with someone who doesn't even have the same base principles that I do. If I were to bring home a non-Christian, my parents would surely be concerned, but they wouldn't go out of their way to stop me.
i'm a christian and my parents generally accept guys who are either asian or caucasian and believe in jesus christ. i once had a boyfriend who was muslim and my parents were hesitant to accept him
I had the exact same problem with my family. When my parents intialliy found out about me dating a Hindu, they disapproved. I'm a Cambodian Buddhist, so our religious views aren't very far off. My parents had the same predicament about the mistreatment of women and the rejection on his family's part. Although, I think if you can both enter a relationship and be happy, religion and race shouldn't be your greatest barrier. This all depends on the view-points on both sides, ofcourse. For my boyfriend and myself, it doesn't phase us in any way. Best of luck to you!
I'm an atheist who was in love with a Catholic. We never dated, and we don't talk anymore, but it had nothing to do with religion. I'm not sure how I would feel about dating someone religious currently, though.