Thursday, 16 July 2009
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Breakups: How Many Times Is Too Many?
So I have broken up and gone on break with my SO at least 5 times in the one year we've been together. Each time, I'm serious about ending the relationship, but we end up getting back together within days. We never fight, but rather, my reason for breaking up every time is I don't plan on marrying him, so I don't want to drag on and on and make it even more painful at the end. But the every time, he comes to visit me and we're just so in love with each other that I can't help but let him hold my hand...I know I'm being really clingy and dependent on him, but is this normal? This constant breaking up and getting back together pattern? Is breaking up supposed to be final or is it all right if you learn through each experience?
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- From: jzrocker@xanga
- Name: Jingna
- About Me: "The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."-Pearl S. Buck
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Comments (38)
I really think that your age will play a huge factor in this.
From the sounds of it, you sound younger. If you were out of college/mid/late 20s, you'd know what to do.
Are you looking at this point to be dating the person you plan to marry?
I mean, I've been seeing this guy for almost two years. We did not start out engaged. We took a slow, bumpy, confusing ride. Neither of us at that point were ready for marriage at the beginning. That's not what we were looking for. Both of us were fairly new to the area and wanted some company in experiencing a new town. It's slowly developed into something that I hope will one day lead to marriage.
While it might not be the same for you, look into what you are needing right now. If right now you are looking for the company of someone that you love, then so be it. Stay with him. If you're looking to dating your future-husband, then you might need to look into yourself and figure out if the guy you're with right now is it or not.
On another note, if you're questioning what he means to you at this point (you say that you don't plan on marrying him, this means that you want to marry at some point, then why waste time with him?), I'd recommend taking a break from him. Take some time for YOU, to focus on YOU.
Um...if you don't see yourself marrying him, why date him? If you love him, why don't you want to marry him? If you break up with him at least five times, then why go out with him again?!
I think every relationship should have at least one get-out-of-jail-free breakup. It would have to be something very serious for my boyfriend and I to break up, and we don't plan on getting back together if we do. But if it happens once, that's one thing. If you're doing it all the time, that's completely different. It sounds like you're using the breakup as a "way out" when things get hard. And you're teaching your boyfriend not to take you seriously when you break up with him. You need to decide where you are and go with that. No mind-changing allowed, unless it's final.
It's a little funny that by not wanting to "drag on and on" you are actually making it worse.
And how can you be clingy and dependent while you're the one breaking up with him?!
You are confused and confusing.
Is being with him preventing you from meeting the man you're going to marry? Have you turned down any proposals just because you're with him? Chances are no....so why not just have a little fun with him while you can? You obviously are happy with him, and keep going back to him for a reason. Do what you feel is right and what makes you happy now, don't worry about whether or not you're going to marry him. (Why, if you don't mind me asking, wouldn't you want to marry him, if you're so in love?)
I disagree with some of what folks have said here. You break up BECAUSE you're not sure you want to marry him? I think that what you should do is ABANDON that idea.
Trying to magically find the person you're going to marry only works flawlessly in fairy tales and romance novels. You can't predict the future and while you can WANT to get married, I think the chances that you'll know that at first sight are NONE.
So if you're crazy in love, I would ride it out. As the relationship deepens, you might find that you want to get married and make it permanent (well, as permanent as marriages are). Great. Or you might find that you become irreconcilably different in some way that's in the present rather than in the future, and you break up. Also great.
This way you don't end up breaking up in the present because you THINK the future might have different ideas for you. You can't tell what the future thinks, so let it figure itself out.
Been there. Done that. Very similar situation. I wish I had something better to tell you.
My boyfriend and I did not consider marriage or even played around with the idea until eight months into the relationship [go figure, we were in high school. Broke up after two years. Got back together after nine months. Broke up before an accumulative four and a half years. Got back together after two months. Hah. We're going by "third time's the charm" sort of thing.
If it's not entirely serious yet, why even bother thinking about marriage? Just have fun and go with it.
I think if a relationship fails twice, you know it's never going to work. The first time it ends, the couple might change for the better and start to appreciate each other more, and things will work out well when they get back together. But if breakup 1 doesn't change anything, breakup 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. won't change anything either.
Unless he's pushing you to marry him, don't worry about marriage. Have fun.
However, the fact that you're not fighting and instead just breaking up shows that you aren't dealing with your differences properly. (Assuming there *are* differences instead of just always thinking, "I don't want to marry him.") Every couple fights. It's *how* they fight that will show whether or not they're good together.
If you're so in love with him, why are you breaking up with him because you don't see yourself marrying him right now? Most guys will grow up...and he may become the guy you wanna marry someday. Trust me...it takes a LOOOOONG TIME FOR men to grow up sometimes. :P
well if you love him that much, why cant you see yourself marrying him. Does he know that you dont want to? Well, if your going to break up with him because you dont see the relationship going anywhere - you either need to see eye to eye on how to make it go somewhere or when/if you do break up with him...tell him that you could be friends but you cant talk for a while (being a few months to half a year at LEAST) I broke up with a dude for the same reason, didnt mean I didnt love him...but there were things that couldnt be settled between us and low and behold, the only way I ended that relationship and was able to move on - was because I didnt have him constantly over my shoulder and scince I lost a lot of my friends in the verge of dating, rebuilt those relationships.
I think that if, after a breakup, you learn something and then decide to get back together, that's one thing. But in your case, it sounds like you're not learning anything new, you're just going back to what you've known, and you know that you're going to break up again in the future.
I would recommend that you decide to either call it quits for good, or decide that you don't care that you're not going to get married to this guy and just have fun with it.
When I dated my last ex, we were technically together for a year and... 3 months? Anyway, we started dating in April... broke up/went on a break in August, November and March, and then finally broke up in July, I believe. From day one, I knew he would never be the one I wanted to marry. But I was 19, so I figured, duh, I just need to date for a while.
When we broke in that March, he actually said to me, "I need to start thinking about marriage." And I stared at him, dumbfounded. You've been in ONE relationship, you JUST turned 20... and you need to start thinking about marriage!?!?
You can be in love with someone completely and entirely... and not want to marry them. And that's ok! You definitely need those relationships to learn about what you want, what you don't want, and to figure out who you are.
@dandymandie@xanga - Exactly right. If you're younger, stop worrying about it! Just enjoy his company and your time together. Things may change down the line, you may find you WANT to marry him. But if not? That's still ok. You still should want to spend time with him. Every relationship does not need to be the one that leads to marriage. So if you love him and want to be with him... than be with him! And stop worrying about marriage :)
@abh816@xanga - Agreed.
apparently it's not him, it's you... really, it's you... especially since you broke it off with him and then allowed him to get back with you... and it doesn't seem like the problem ever got fixed in the beginning or in the progress of getting solved... also, it doesn't seem like he even knows why you want to break up...
and if you don't plan on marrying him, do you plan on marrying ever? and if you plan on marrying, do you love him, and what's keeping you from marrying him?
If you broke up FIVE TIMES and you haven't learn anything through that experience then no, it's not normal. It's just immaturity and indecisive on your part. You either want to be with him or you don't. It's just that simple.
If you don't see yourself marrying him, why did you date him? Or give him chance after chance each time you break off with him?
Seriously. If a guy broke up with me five times and each time give me another chance, I would seriously question his commitment to me in the near future. Is he really ready for a real relationship or does he just like to thrill and chase of it while it last?
I think if it don't work out the second time then it's not going to work out. I think you just keep on giving him chances because you realized that you miss his presence when he's gone. And ka-bam! You two see each other, spend time with each other, and it's all lovely dovely again until you realized that giving him a chance was wrong.. again.
If you really don't want to be with him or see him as your partner 'till death due us part,' please distant yourself from him next time you end it. You're just wasting your and his time all together.
I just know that it takes many times of breaking up to be a real break up. How old are you anyway, just because you don't want to married him now doesn't mean later in life that you are going to be unchanged? Also, if he knows that's how you think and he still sticks around, then that's his choices.
You do realize that you don't have to marry every person you date, right? In fact, I highly advise against it. You need to just go with the flow and enjoy your relationship for what it is. He obviously cares about you and you obviously care about him. Why stress?
what are you actually learning from each experience? from the way it sounds i'd say you're probably not learning anything at all. from his point of view breaking up just means you're not gonna see eachother for a few days. he knows you're too weak to say no to him so in his mind he owns you. i hope next time you break up with him he gets sick of it and finds someone else. i wonder how you're gonna feel when he doesn't come back to you because he's in the arms of another woman... do you think you can handle that?
Hmm don't mistake a huge argument as a break-up? Maybe your definition of break up is different from mine...
You're fickle and selfish.
He obviously loves you and you obviously don't want to be with him. Stop leading him on by letting him hold your hand. You can't fuck with people's minds like that, you're going to miss him when he realizes that he (and anyone else) deserves better than that...
I'm going through the same thing, except I have never broken up with him, or taken a "break." I can't see myself marrying him either, for religious reasons (our faiths don't match up). But I whole-heartedly love him. Sooo...yeah. I'm going to continue being with him because he makes me happy. We'll see what happens, I guess.
It sounds like you really are dependent on him, and you just need to let him go if you don't want to marry him.
I could follow my own advice, but I'm not going to..yet. Do what you want, but seeing as how I'm in the same kind of situation, that's my advice for both of us.
@jeezshoua@xanga - What she said!
@music_of_the_heart08@xanga - You are definitely not going through the same thing as the op here. Your situation is totally different from hers. Your reason for not seeing yourself marrying to your significant other is reasonable, important, and a personal matter between you and your God.
I was once in your shoes and I made my decision three years ago on that matter.
i may seem old fashion, but what's the point of dating someone if you know that in the future, you don't want to be with him? but yet you are clearly, so attached to him. you are just planning to get hurt no matter what. sounds like it's best if you guys just stay broken up.
xo
It must be because you Really do love him. My current amazing boyfriend & I have been through the same...I'm still with him after 4 years! And everytime we ended up getting back together I was so happy because I love him and we know we cant be without each other.
Are you sure you do not want to marry him?....