In the past, I have always been a person who suffers from abandonment issues. Once I get attached to someone, I'm always terrified that said individual will run in the opposite direction and leave me to face the music all by my lonesome. In the past few years, I started to become a much more independent person. I learned that I
can be okay on my own and that I don't need a man in my life in order to succeed.
Then I met him.
We've been together for almost a year, and I've grown to emotionally depend on him in ways that scare me. What happened to all of the progress that I made while I was single? Ever since we got together, I've noticed how increasingly terrified I am of losing him. I know that he isn't the type to just bail and leave me hanging; however, despite his constant reassurance, I still find myself concerned. How can I stop being so paranoid and just be content in my relationship? Any pointers?
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I am the same way, everytime someone comes into my life they always seem to walk out and it hurts so much. Im still going thru that with my husband and we have been together for 6 years and married for four and still to this day im afraid he is going walk out of my life in a snap of a finger. Even tho i feel that way i dont let it get the best of me or let it take over my mind and life and relationship. pretty much all i can say is dont let it take over your relationship because that can cause big problems then that will be the reason for him to leave. Everything is going to be fine. goodluck hun!!!!
I'm the same way =/
Amen. I'm in the same situation. Ack.
Do the same thing you did when you were single.
When you become dependent on someone and they leave you, you will sink very, very low.
Just trust him. Know that you gave him your heart and if he still leaves you, then it's his loss.
Agreed. I know it's hard i would know to always have this gut feeling that something might happen. The only unfortunate difference is that my boyfriend did leave me...but heck it's only highschool despite the fact that it has been....a while. Plus it turns out he's a jerk....
I honestly wouldn't worry too much about it or else you wouldn't fully enjoy your relationship with this special guy. The purpose of a relationship is to be with that special someone and getting to know them more. I don't know if that helps...
:] i'm sure you'll be fine.
i know how you feel.
my mom left me when i was a little baby and im not very close with my parents so my bf is all i felt like i had.
I learned in the end not only do you have to trust them but you have to trust yourself. You need to know you've survived without him before and you will be able to do it again.
You'll eventually be able to develop the mindset that you can live on your own =) It took me 4 years to get mine lol. It's not easy to develop but once you get there, it's an amazing feeling!
Best of luck !
i've been here too. give yourself a chance to love and be loved. what-ever happens next is anyone's guess. you can only control your actions - not his.
Don't worry. Find something to focus on that is positive, maybelike your career etc. I know that when I get my mind off of things like this, I feel healthier. I think its all in your head like it usually is for me.
I know how you feel. My boyfriend adn I have been together 4 years this monthand last year right before Spring Break he almost broke up with me. It was the worst 5 days of my life, but we got back together and worked things out (and actually have greatly improved in our communication, handling disagreements, etc). However, now that is has become 'real' to me that one day I could loose him, I get paranoid at times.
When we get in little snips (not often), I get scared afterwards that, "what if he's rethinking our relationship". Or if I'm having a bad day and try to call him and he doesn't answer or call me back within the hour, I start to worry as well (though I don't txt or continue calling because then I get scared I will drive him away).
To be honest, it's gotten a lot better with time and I don't freak out as easily, but it does happen. I truly cannot see my life without him in it and if he ever does leave me...I have no clue what I will do.
Just try to take a few deep breaths when you start to feel paranoid and really rationalize with yourself. Take a step back and evaluate whether your fears or worries are 'sane'; I know it sounds crazy, but I found talking myself down or preoccupying myself with another hobbie really helps to get my mind off those thoughts. You don't want to keep bugging him about it though, because that could drive him off or something.
Yeah I know what you mean, I'm the same, even though I'm saying to myself if it's meant to be then it'll be, I know that if we break up, I'll probably go crazy.
Be careful, if you worry too much about that, IT WILL happen, it won't be a matter of if it will happen it will be WHEN. You will become so desperate and needy that it will push him away.
I think most people have some fear that the ones they love will leave them but if you obsess on it then you make it happen by being someone you don't want to be, someone the other person can't be with or love, someone that isn't really you.
Just be careful. Enjoy all the time you have, hope for the best, stay strong like when you were single and NEVER become the clingy, needy, desperate type that pushes others away and all should be just fine.
Yeah, one must afraid if it happens.Have you heard of the recent news about couple personalities in showbiz??The internet is buzzing over Jon Gosselin's girlfriend. The reason as to why anyone wants to know anything about Jon Gosselin's girlfriend or the Gosselins in general is because they might not have enough time on their hands, but at any rate, he is already dating again, a 22 year old named Hailey Glassman, and a lot of people are consequently looking for a Hailey Glassman mugshot, as few pictures of her are out there. Jon Gosselin is about to launch his own fashion line – because there aren't enough companies that sell jeans and t shirts. Still, enough people will still flock to payday loan companies if they can buy s shirt designed by Jon Gosselin's girlfriend.
i understand your feeling..that is when we truly love someone, we just cant afford to lose him^^
Your insecurities will soon be what makes him leave you.. Unfortunately, you might not be able to realize it until he has left you.
Live with what you have now, stop thinking about the future, when its the one thing that you should be kept unsure of.
Sounds like you're quite insecure. I'm sure I'd feel the same way cos I've been becoming more independent and all that single-ness stuff. (=
But you should get used to it, right? And if you liked feeling independent ... you could still keep that within your relationship. Having your own space, and not spending all your time with your boyfriend. Maybe that might help you feel not as attached, and therefore worry you less?
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - The way I see it is.. if you give him any sign that you doubt yourself to be the best for him then he'll take it the wrong way and complications will come with.
Just believe in yourself and start doing things without his aid if needed. Every person in a relationship needs their space. =)
@AznFier@xanga - @MaisyMouse@xanga - both of these guys are correct.
Careful. If you let yourself get bent out of shape with him, you will end up breaking yourself, your confidence and your self-esteem when you end up completely relying on him. If you keep pushing these fears onto him, he's going to get fed up. I have a friend like you who is afraid of losing people she loves such as her boyfriend or myself when we keep reassuring her that we'll always be there for her.
It's going to be a metric fuck-ton harder to do what I suggest, but you have to put your fears to rest and enjoy the relationship while you got it. Once you two start getting into fights, you'll end up thinking "Why do I need this?", even if it's only temporary. Learn to rely on yourself again and try not to be so dependent on him. Ask him for help if you need it, but don't break yourself over him. Shit won't last forever, but if yours does, awesome!!!
you're insecurity and paranoia, if you're continually expressing it to him (which i'm assuming you do since you state that he constantly reassures you) will be what drives him away in the end. so just let go and enjoy him, enjoy yourself and that in itself will make you more attractive and appealing to your man.
men like to be with women who are secure with themselves. i dumped my last boyfriend for being too needy and insecure because i realized that i don't want to be someones only happiness, i want to be a complement to an otherwise happy life which is why my current bf and i are so solid, we were both satisfied and happy in our lives before we even found each other and that makes our relationship that much more fulfilling and wonderful.
and don't get me wrong, i have fleeting moments of worry or irrational thoughts (what girl doesn't?) but i've learned to refrain from unneccesarily expressing them. it's almost like constantly accusing a bf of lying or cheating even when they aren't. they'll get tired of it and realize that you'll think it regardless so they might as well go ahead and do it. if you're in a happy and healthy relationship, just enjoy it and stop worrying so much until there's an actual problem. your worrying will only be detrimental to what you ultimately want (him).
I have this exact same problem. My advice? Relax, pick your battles, live as you would being single (minus the trying to find a guy, of course), and don't worry about the future, or let your past dictate how your present and future relationships will be. I understand how you're feeling; like he's the best thing to ever happen to you. If it's meant to be, everything will fall into place. "What if it isn't?" Well, that's for you to find out. Throw yourself into activities when you can't see him. Anything to keep you from worrying. I literally tell my negative thoughts to shut the hell up and I think positive thoughts. It's very hard, but it does help.
Best of luck.
You need to build more trust with him. Right now, the lack of it is the problem.
If he's as great as you say, then he'll take care of your heart. If he leaves in the end, it's ultimately his loss.
None of your relationshipping has "undone" your "single" independence.
If your problem is that you get "he's gonna leave me" anxiety when you're dating and involved, then OF COURSE that won't show up when you're single. I bet that when you're next single, you feel more confident, because it's RELATING that makes you anxious...get it?
You realize of course that your anxiety is about YOU and not about your relationship, right? At least based on how you've described it here?
I'm not sure where this came from, but if you know you get "please don't leave" anxiety, then that's what you need to address when you get involved with someone. It's not the guy's fault that you feel that way, no matter how hard you fall. That has absolutely nothing to do with it. Think of a relationship as a capital letter A. The two people involved are the legs of the A. Each one leans in a bit and each one is supported by the other.
Emotionally, it seems that you set up something like this: !\ where you do all the leaning and he does all the standing, so that if he stops "propping you up," you fall over. This would make anyone anxious.
What I'd do is first, see if that actually IS the relationship dynamic. I suspect it isn't, since you wrote this about your anxiety and not about your relationship. Second, assert your independence while you're dating. "Stand up" more, if you will. Do things without him. See where you two are different and then take pride in that. NOT "keep him at a distance" or "be standoffish," that's not what I mean. STAND on your own differences, for your own self-esteem, but without pushing him off. There's no need to replace him with yourself.
I've put this clumsily. I need an example and can't think of one. Basically, stand up enough that if he WERE to leave, you'd still be standing. This skill--sort of like emotional core strength--should reduce your anxiety.
i don't know. but i KNOW how you feel.!
hm. makes me feel better that others feel this. i think its just a bit of humanity. and i myself, consider myself strong and independent as well.
i think though, mine also relates to the fact that a lot of my other relationships have faded through the years, i barely talk to my best friend anymore (and she lives closer than my bf) and since i've moved back home i've had trouble making other new friends. i dont really rely on my bf, i just hate feeling like i have to sometimes. idk. i'm only a year in, i feel new to this long-term stuff lol
Get to know all of him and trust that he loves/likes you just as much and that he's also scared of you leaving him behind. Falling in love is like a gamble sometimes. You risk the hurt but the happiness that comes with being with the ones you love is a very awesome feeling!