Miss Walrus
Right now, I'm vacationing with my fam on a pretty little island off the coast of Cape Cod. Even though it's only about 70 degrees, those New Englanders sure do know how to milk the sun and warmth for all it's worth. However, heading east as a family is something we haven't actually done together in like, six years. Needless to say, being on vacay with the family at (almost) 23 years old is quite a test of my willpower.
When I'm in my college town in my own pristine little corner of the world, everything seems to fall into place. I choose what to eat for dinner (hello 99 cent bean burrito!), when to pick the dirty clothes up off my floor & how many girls (okay..and guys) can pile into my room for a sleepover on Friday night.
Now, though, I'm hanging out with my both my parents 24/7 & this means that I basically don't get to choose, well, anything. Especially not who gets to sleep in my bedroom on a Friday night. Slowly but surely I feel myself becoming that girl who once lived in the lilac-painted basement room of my parent's house; minus the ungodly thick black eyeliner and super-short, bleach blonde, spiked out hair. I can slowly feel myself slipping into that Princess-Piss-And-Moan role that I always seemed to live up to in my earlier years, tantrums & all.
I feel myself becoming "Teenage Miss Walrus" - & although it feels familiar, it also feels pretty juvenile & unlike me now.
This got me thinking about how falling into a role when I feel super comfortable around someone (like my family) could translate into a relationship situation (like with a boyf). When we first enter a relationship, we're a specific person. We have certain likes & dislikes; we really love 1/2 price sushi nights but we hate Monday night football. You know, stuff like that. However, while we're in the relationship, time passes - whether we want it to or not. And obviously, things about us will change. We (hopefully) will grow & learn & become better people, yadda yadda yadda. But even though we're changing, I truly believe it's possible that our role in the relationship might not. Are you always the one who gets mad & starts a fight first? Are you quick to get jealous? Are you the one who has to make like, every little decision or you go bonkers?
Humans are definitely creatures of habit. Even though something might not really feel like us anymore - like you know, getting that knot in the pit of your stomach every time you notice your SO's eyes wandering a bit - it might seem normal because it's how you are so used to reacting. You might respond to a situation in a certain way just because you have a million other times & not because it's what you really truly believe in anymore.
I did it with my family & I KNOW I've done it in my relationships. But I'm not the only one, am I? Do you think we fall into "roles" in relationships that are hard to break free from?
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Comments (15)
Absolutely. I think that when any two (or more) people interact for a while, they start to assign roles to each other. Most of the time I subconsciously assign someone a role in my head to know what kind of behavior to expect from them.
I think people assign roles to eachother for almost anything. Its life, people assign roles to people who has a job, friends assign roles to other friends. My friends always think of me as the person who does all the setting up and invitations for whenever we get together, while totally capable of doing so themselves. I think assigning roles to people in relationships can be okay as long as it has been talked about with your SO.
I don't think it's as much assigning roles as knowing what to expect. When you get to know people really well, you learn how they act, and so you deal with them accordingly.
I completely agree with you! People DO assign roles to other human's. That's just a part of life. I know I do! It's just a part of life... Although, I hate it, but, I shouldn't be talking! lol
Oh, and enjoy your vaca!
YES! i think, too, we often find people who will play the opposite to the role we are most comfortable with- like how people fall into pursuer/withdrawer roles in couples, or how people keep finding screwed up guys so they can "save" them, or keep finding abusive relationships....
although it's hard to say WHY this happens exactly, it most certainly does.
yeah, it's natural. whats wrong w/that?
of course we fall into roles in any relationship. we were each individually created with certain strengths so when we come into contact with someone who needs your strength, we start to play that role with that person and then build on from there. it's part of life, it was designed this way so we can help each other out.
yes we fall into these roles and I believe, these roles are essential to keep the relationship in tact. If we assume the role of our partner, the relationship may result to a chaos, an eventual battlefield. as women, we have our specific role, although we may have evolved through time..
Depends if you think roles are evil. Although there are some roles that we'd like to avoid, odds are that most of them are generally a friendly way of thinking about somebody else, with the exception being "workplace asshole (my title at work, which I proudly defend!!)"
Humans have a need to classify. Be it lovers or friends, we classify our relationships with people based on their behaviors and what to expect. While it is stereotyping, they tend to be accurate. For example, I have my two best friends who I call my brother and sister respectively because I honor and cherish them like the siblings I never had. Others, like my best friend Clary I consider to be a sage (literally, he's quite intelligent and he loves to drink as well!).
In summary, a role isn't evil, but rather a typecast. It's like stereotyping people: You don't want it to be true to all, but it's damn hard to defy when your actions fall in line with them.
People do tend to fall into roles that comes when (I think) people get "comfortable".
When my boyfriend got "comfortable" with me, I learned that he
(1) is a lazy slob
(2) hogs the bed
(3) smokes
(4) puts his coaching baseball over anything
(5) likes really weird foods
When I got "comfortable" with my boyfriend, he learned that I
(1) am too picky with food
(2) am hardcore OCD
(3) am a neat freak
(4) get worried far too quickly
(5) hide my true emotions
Whether or not these things are good or bad, it comes with the territory. It's very hard I think to change these, but it's something that grows with the relationship.
Up through high school, I was the shy kid. And then I got into college and somehow girls started looking at me. I started dating extraordinarily hot girls. And at some point I turned into a cocky asshole. I don't realize I'm being an asshole. I guess it's sort of my defense against being looked at differently when I need to be an asshole.
But when I get comfortable in a relationship, they start to see the shy, insecure side of me come out. I am an especially jealous person and always worry about getting cheated on.
Apparently its working though, because I break a lot of hearts.
I'm 30 years old, married and have lived in nyc, la, tokyo, etc., a bunch of big cities. When I go home to my parents' house I immediately feel like I'm in high school again and they have to drive me everywhere since they think i don't know the environment well at all.
@Sammyhellsyea@xanga - you sound proud of that. break em before it happens to you, right? where is the actual joy in that though? it's going to happen to you when you finally let your guard down to let someone in. hope it hurts like hell.
on another note, yes, i do believe that we assign each other roles in any kind of relationship. i've got a specific and unique role at work, with my boyfriend, my sister, my son, etc. i think it's needed to have some sort of balance.
@VodkaTonic - Who said I was proud of it? And it already did happen to me. Yeah, it hurt like hell. Thanks asshole.