Wednesday, 15 July 2009

  • Should He Be Asking His Ex About Relationship Problems?

    So I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and as much as I don't like to admit it, I get jealous, which is totally normal, right?

    He's had a girlfriend before me, of course, but she is not the one I feel uneasy about. The girlfriend before the last is the one I can't stand - she just always seems to be there. As soon as he broke up with his last girlfriend, she followed him around like a lost puppy; his parents loved her and for the first few months of us dating, his mom would always accidentally call me by her name! They dated for a little less than a year, but it seems like they were really close even though he says that they weren't.

    When he brings her up in conversation, I can't help but be in a bad mood. Am I crazy here? Well, moving on to the real question...is it really necessary for him to be talking to her, of all people, about our relationship problems? It drives me crazy. I recently found out that he was talking to her about how I am jealous of her. I don't know but being a girl, I know if my ex-boyfriend told me his new girlfriend was jealous of me I would feel satisfied with that. If anything, I don't want her to feel satisfied.

    The other weekend when we went camping, I got angry because he screwed off and went to her campsite (apparently not to see her) - I got a little angry but nothing over the top, really. But then he came back at me with, "I don't understand why you can't be friends with her". The truth is, I am embarrassed that she knows I am jealous of her; even if I stop being jealous of her, she will always have that power over me in the back of her head. I have no interest in even talking to her. Now he gets mad when he notices me avoiding her.

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Comments (43)

  • wolvenchic@xanga

    well he needs to learn not to talk to his ex about your buisness, it makes you uncomfortable and you have a right to be. Thats one thing he has to realize, not every girlfriend you have is going to want to be friends with your exes...or for you to talk to your exes...he should not make you feel uncomfortable about that, if I were you... Id be talking to him about his priorities and where you fit in. Just so both you and him know where you stand.
  • AngelStarr@xanga

    i think u probably need to let things go. you girls dont have to be friends but theres no reason to be jealous of her. let ur bf talk to her - who cares, as long as he doesnt have any romantic feelings for her. just know in your heart that you are better than her cuz you have what she doesnt -- ur bf. ;)
  • atmaster@xanga

    yeah you're kind of going too far.
  • GaMeGurLsH@xanga

    Your boyfriend need to control his mouth. If you feel uncomfortable with him sharing problems between you two to his ex, he should respect that. He can go to a best friend...that's what they're there for...(now it's another question if she's his BFF). You don't have to be friends with her but no need to be jealous of her since you got the guy now...not her.
  • Dobserver@xanga

    Hmm let me put it this way: if this girl was not his ex, would you mind as much? If the answer is no, then you might want to rethink your take on things.


    It's not unusual for a guy to ask another girl for help on some of his relationship problems...because it's nice to get a view on the problem from a girl's perspective instead of just using his own because guys see things differently.


    You shouldn't be jealous of someone else in his life, from what you describe this girl seems to be his really close friend (maybe even childhood friends - which also explains why his parents like her) You shouldn't be jealous because you are in different positions. She is his really good friend. And you are his girlfriend and that's what really matters.


  • kiera181@xanga

    No.
  • depp_and_meaningful@xanga

    I guess it's normal to be jealous, but he's with you, not her. He just needs to listen, and you should just try to understand. Both of you need to compromise somehow
  • Lushy@xanga

    I am the ex-girfriend in this situation pretty often.  I'm now married and have not been with my ex for over six years, but we are still good friends and talk pretty frequently.  He is still single and if he is dating someone new or has a problem with a girl, he always talks to me about it.  To him, it makes a lot of sense because I am the only one of his ex-girlfriends that he has remained friends with and I have a lot more insight to how he acts in a relationship than other girls might.  His last serious girlfriend was jealous of me, and to us, it was the most hilarious thing either of us had heard.  It didn't make me feel "satisfied," it made me annoyed that I couldn't help him with a problem without her freaking out about it.  If they truly are just friends, your jealousy is just going to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend and make things worse.  Hopefully you and your boyfriend can find a way to compromise and work through it.  Good luck! 
  • black_lie@xanga

    it sounds like they have reconciled their relationship so far that they are now completely platonic friends and he is frustrated that you can't see that. it happened with me and my first ex - we broke up, but then a year later we were inseparable as friends. my bf at the time knew it and didn't mind that i hung out with him all the time.
  • chiro333@xanga

    i'll probably would be jealous too, but i'll try to talk to her and see how she is.. she could be a cool person. 
  • ConfusionwithaK11@xanga

    To me it doesn't sound like they're "just friends".

    I think its wrong that he's going to her for advice, because when they're is a weakness in your relationship hes talking to her and not you. which may lead to him feeling more connected to her, and wanting to be with her. I've had that happen to me!I don't know the full story or the tones of your conversations but I think you should sit down and talk to him about this. so she doesnt find it hilarious and laugh at you behind her back. Just talk!
  • megface54@xanga

    I was JUST dealing with the same problem. My current boyfriend went to his ex- fiancee when him and I were fighting. I personally think you have/had every right to be upset/angry when your boyfriend went to his ex. You're his girlfriend, you should be the one he talks to, not his ex. It's just a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. It was definitely wrong of your bf to tell his ex that you're jealous, it's none of her business. You should talk to him about how you're feeling. I had a long talk with my boyfriend and we sorted it all out, hopefully you and your boyfriend can do the same.
  • ELCIINE@xanga

    I have a friend who's comfortable with like ALL his exes. It's kinda weird. But it's a good thing I guess. I don't see any reason why you would need to be jealous of her. You're with him now. :) Though talking to her about yall's relationship is a bit um.......Buttttt, wanna shock everyone? You should go up to her and ask her to hang out. Prented like she doesn't know you're jealous of her. Forget about it all and let it slide. Be her friend and then maybe--if your jealousies are because you're afraid he'll go back to her--let her know how much he means to you. And maybe because she'll be your friend, she will be less likely to do something with your boyfriend. xD Good luck!
  • jeezshoua@xanga

    I would be pretty annoy and uncomfortable if my husband was talking about our problems to his ex yet alone, I was pretty annoy and uncomfortable when my husband was talking to a female friend of his about our problems.  This typical "female friend" of his would always come by his personal page and leave him comments such as, "I miss you," "Call me," etc., just to annoy me.  Pfft.  But whatever.  I think you have to right to feel what you feel if your boyfriend is telling your business to another girl and who would want their big mouthed boyfriend to tell his ex that his current girlfriend is jealous of her?  Not anyone.  If both of you are having problems in your relationship, he should be talking to you about it and vice versa.. not to his ex girlfriend.  You don't need to be friends with her or even be jealous of her.  You got him but hey, maybe if you talk to him about it and he still don't get it, maybe he's not even worth holding onto.  I'm sure he would feel the same if the table was turn around.
  • FORGOTTEN___LOVExx@xanga

    my ex boyfriend always comes to me with his girl and relationships problems.
    ill always wonder and ask him when he seems to always come running back to me about it ad he tells me because i understand and know him better then most.
  • ToBeHappyy@xanga

    thanks so much everyone! i totaly understand the whole good friends with an ex thing but the thing is he says he gets annoyed that she follows him around all the time and he is the one who created the "lost puppy metaphore" and all that was before i told him i get jelous of her, so i was just realy confused why he would say those things and then go to her with my problems, you know? but all your advice has helped. this did kind of make me sound like a crazy jelous girlfriend, but im not.. just confused. all i ask is for him to not tell me he doesnt talk to her, and then have me hear from someone else he told her about my jelousy. haha we did talk about it though, and he doesnt expect me to be friends with her. because they arent even close friends.
  • trustme@xanga

    Friends with ex's doesn't work.  period.  people say it works but it doesn't work for ALL people involved and if you love and respect the person you are with then you won't put them in the situation of maybe being uncomfortable about it.  I tried to be friends with my ex but it turned into more hurt and heartache than it was worth.


    your boyfriend shouldnt have told his ex that your jealous of her.  id be pissed if i were you.  how can he expect you to want to deal with her when you know that shes thinking, "ha, she jealous of me!"  thats your boyfriends fault.


    I know a guy who is friends with his exs.  but the more odd thing about it all?  his last 2 exs met through him and became best friends.  and then his current gf joined the gang.  so now the 2 exs and the current gf can sit around and talk about how good/bad he is in bed, and how good a kisser he is...or whatever.  very weird if you ask me.  itd gross me out.
  • Mommie_Eesha@xanga

    There is a huge difference between remaining friends with an ex.. and taking relationship problems to them.. If it makes you uncomfortable, he should respect that.. My current bf has ex's that he talks to quite frequently, and honestly it doesnt bother me, cause it doesnt cross the line.. Hell I went out for drinks with his ex, and she's going to be walking our daughter down the aisle at our wedding..   However, My ex husband, cheated on me with the ex he talked to about our relationship problems, both emotional and physical cheating.. ya know.. he told her he loved her ect.. So you have to evaluate which situation it is, and make the decision on your own.. best of luck!
  • ChuuCheee@xanga

    I think it's normal that you're kinda mad cause he's talking to an ex..about YOUR guy's relationship problems. I also think he's being rude just because you're advoiding his exgirlfriend. Would he prefer you to be a smart mouth to his ex instead of just being quiet and advoiding problems?
  • linguistic_nonsense@xanga

    He's entitled to talk to her and be friends with her as long as it is only that--friends. However, that doesn't give him the right just because he's your boyfriend to be dishing out stuff that is personal to you and that you feel is none of the other chick's business. Of course, I can understand where you would be jealous of some ex-girlfriend of his especially when he constantly talks about her to you. He definitely shouldn't have told her that you were jealous of her even if it is the honest truth.

    He just ups and tells her you're jealous of her and then expects you to want to be friends with her? That's messed up. I, too, would be afraid to show my face to one of my fiance's ex's if he had gone and told them something like that. He needs to respect your feelings that you don't want every ex he's ever had to know all about some chick they don't even know's (aka you) business. That's some sort of social ethics breach or something.
  • jzrocker@xanga

    tell him everything and then let it go
  • superGchik@xanga

    if it was me, i would be pissed if he asked his ex about relationship problems because it's really none of her business and to me, it opens doors for her to come back into his life again.  or i would think that he's not completely over her, that's why he's asking her for her opinions, unless they're really good friends.  but i would still be a little upset.
  • kor_girl@xanga

    you cant stop him from talking to her, whether you like it or not and whether you deign it a true friendship or not, if he says they are friends, they are. You don't OWN each other and you don't OWE each other anything in terms of who they can be friends with and who they can't be. You aren't his mom....and even if his mom said about it, he'd be shouting about the same thing to her. 


    HOWEVER he needs to stop telling her shit about YOU. Telling her things about how he's feeling, fine that's his end, but to gush at her about how you feel is completely out of line. I think you should sit him down and explain to him the complicated situation in which he has placed himself by sharing your jealousy for his ex gf. That's none of her business, that's YOUR business, PLUS your pride hurts too. It's no fun showing your weak points to another woman, nevermind another woman he used to date. And if he keeps up, maybe he doesn't understand english very well and you have to draw him a big chart with colored pencils and colorful labels. That might help./
  • HeLLo_Bianca@xanga

    That was pretty messed up that he told her you're jealous of her.  It does sound like they are honestly just friends, so while she may have gotten some satisfaction out of it, she probably doesn't want things to be like that. 
  • turtletastic

    I think you're very justified in how you feel. To me, if you're in a serious relationship, then your problems should stay with the two of you as much as possible, and you should really try to talk it out between yourselves instead of constantly relying on others to fix your problems. I understand big fights may need some talking to someone else to cool down, but it's my opinion that complaining to someone else about every little thing only validates and intensifies those problems.

    I wouldn't want to even try to be friends with her after something like that, either. It's just flat out embarassing to know that this girl, who not only used to date and probably still pines for your boyfriend, also now knows some nasty things about you because your boyfriend decided to complain to her about you. Does your boyfriend talk to you about his problems with her and their friendship even?

    Ugh! I totally understand where you're coming from... :(

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