I can't seem to stay interested in someone for longer than a couple of weeks, or at most, a month. The scary thing is that, how long I am interested in someone is directly related to how early/often I have sex with them.
Before you think "asshole," I would like to say that I truly, truly want to be in a committed relationship. I really do. I mean, what girl doesn't want to be madly in love? And good sex is a crucial part of a romantic relationship (in my opinion).
I'm sick of always being the heartbreaker. I'm always so optimistic about new relationships, and I am completely devastated each time I start to lose interest in them. By the time I lose interest, the other person has fallen for me... I'm a decent human being, but I've broken too many hearts to feel like one... I don't know how to deal with the guilt. I really don't. I'm always wishing desperately that things will be different with the new person... Maybe I just need a shrink? Do any other women feel the same way that I do?
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This used to happen to me a lot too. It changed when I started to find women that I actually had a genuine interest in. But of course, it takes time to figure out if your special someone has the qualities that you're looking for in your SO.
I'd suggest that you become FRIENDS with the people that you're looking to date, get to know them first and figure out if they have what it takes to keep you happy. Then when you get into the relationship, work at it. And when you do get into a relationship, make sure that it isn't because you're just looking for sex. You can get sex from anyone, but a person that can truly satisfy you in other ways is a little harder to find.
At any rate, thank you for posting about this. I always did wonder if I was the only asshole out there...
Perhaps your idea of sex being the major point in your romantic relationship isn't working out for you.
I've had a few relationships in my time, and I've found that the ones that I've found worth my time I'd spent a while getting to know... and by a while, I don't mean a week or two. It could be different for everyone, but by waiting AT LEAST a couple of months I was able to see how things were going to go. You're less likely to get bored, because there's still the excitement of not having had sex..... and you grow attached to the person you're seeing at the same time.
If the time you have sex correlates how long your interest in them remains, and your relationships last like a week to a month... I think that might show your problem there.
Plus, if you think he's going to ditch out on you because you don't have sex right away.. you are with the wrooonnng kind of guy.
It means you love the attention and you love the challenge of a chase. As soon as they show interest, you wanna bounce. That means you weren't interested in them as a person in the first place. If you want a serious committed relationship, you have to force yourself to take it slow and that person should be on the same pace as yourself...meaning keeping you interested while pulling away when he thinks you think you've got him.....
Take it slow! Build a decent friendship with him before you decide to take the plunge. Its not that hard to wait to have sex before you know each other on more levels! Sex is great but a really good, loving relationship is better, and that takes some time. And he will probably be less attached the slower you take it. I don't know. Leave some mystery in it, go on dates, just try to keep up the spontaneity, that way you won't "lose interest" as quickly.
It happens. Its not your fault. Sometimes you can't control how you feel. At least you are aware of it and want to do something about it. But trust me, you're not a bad person for it. If you feel this way, at least be honest with the person. Leading someone on is the worse thing you can do to someone.
hmm... i don't think you're an ''asshole''. i think you're pretty narcissistic though. i know that nobody likes to be dumped, but i after a couple weeks, or a month at most, its not exactly a heartbreak. just because you can't get over yourself doesn't mean they can't get over you.
Maybe you should stop leaving people just because you've lost interest in them. If you want a long-term, committed relationship, realize that you ARE going to go through points of losing interest or falling out of love. The thing you do then is to rekindle interest and while you will not necessarily fall back in love, if you faithfully love with actions you will love and be loved by the person in a way that will supercede the original purely feeling-based love.
Watch. . .when you get old your going to want to settle down, i guess you feel you just have "options" at the moment but when those options start to wear thin. . . .ur going to find that you'd do anything to keep interest, uh huh, keep playing.
Well, first we have to factor in your age. Depending on your age, you might need some time to develop and mature some more and learn what it means to date someone you really like.
I get the feeling, you are not dating people you truly genuinely like from the get go. You have to think about what's important to you in a guy, and really get to know him. Forget about jumping into bed....(like many other people said)....try waiting a few months. To see who you really care for. You have to go to places where you can find someone you can truly fall for.
You might also be afraid of commitment and intimacy...so you might wanna really look at yourself and figure that out.
What I basically do is, I go out with people non-exclusively for a long time...without the title for a while to see how long I'd be interested in them even when I've just met them...and it doesn't matter for me how soon we have sex, although this next person that I really like, I'm going to wait for quite a while.
As soon as I start losing interesting so soon, I'm thinking to myself I'm really glad I never actually went out with them in the first place because the relationship would have been so short and pointless.
Luckily, I didn't have to stop talking to them or anything like that.
I just became busy with work and school so I do have legit excuses, and eventually they've forgotten how much they supposedly "liked" me.
are you looking for love or sex
I know what you mean. Although I last longer in relationships, I still seem to be the one who goes with the flow, the object of the obsession. My current boyfriend and I are trying a long distance thing, and he just confessed how he "just realized how much he needed me..." Meanwhile I'm at home losing interest..and finding interest elsewhere. I don't know what to do either.
And the new interest is falling quickly for me too, when I know what we have will never be serious... Idk what it is about me that is so fascinating, but I never fall as deep as my man does. And it sucks...
Yeah, I'm a horrible person.
"I would like to say that I truly, truly want to be in a committed relationship. I really do. I mean, what girl doesn't want to be madly in love? "
Sadly being madly in love is not the same as being in a committed relationship. The part about 'madly in love' only lasts the first couple of months (or weeks as you have just described.)
So you have kind of just answered your own question. You are someone who enjoys the passion and the feeling of being madly in love which is the initial part of the relationship. Coincidently it is also where the couple has sex most often (usually)
A committed relationship is something you won't understand until you take the time to get to know the people you are with. It's more about the person being your best friend - someone to talk to, go out with and share your problems with. Sex can be important depending on the person, but it shouldn't really be a key part of it at the later stages of a relationship...
I feel EXACTLY the same way, minus the sex part which is probably a huge contributing factor to your problem. I have, lately, been trying to eliminate all romantic thoughts from my mind when I meet a guy and just take being friends one step at a time first. It's helped a bit.
@Jilofalltrades87@xanga - Great post.
My girlfriend and I clash sometimes about how important sex is, but we don't let that be a defining aspect of our relationship and commitment.
It's like a hit and run.
Once you get it, you're no longer interested in keeping it around.
Next time, slow down. Get to know the person for him. Maybe after you sleep with him, you will still be interested in him.
I've been with my husband for six years. I wasn't in love or interested in him all the time during those six years. I lost my interest in him. I fell out of love. But I wanted it to work. I learned to love him again. I learned how to keep my interest for him going. Wanting to be in a committed relationship, sometimes you gotta do what it takes to make it work.
My problem is very similar... except I just don't date. I've never dated... they come to me, we become great friends and then I get scared and shut them out of my life. im trying to work on the fear...
Nah, don't think anything is wrong with you. However, I do believe that you need to stay single for a while. If you must/crave: Have casual sex with the guy but no commitment or label of 'gf/bf.'
Learn to understand your need and want.
If you take sex as an approach to all your needs and wants, then let it just be 'just sex.'
Leave the emotions aside and let the guy know before hand.
It is almost in the theory of 'having sex like a man.'
I think you should try holding out on sex for 6 months or more and see how it changes your interest in the person. just think of it as a challenge.
how about listen to this
EASY COME..
EASY GO...
=)
ho ho ho, merry christmas. my friend is like you. god damn, it's strange.
I'm sorry to say this but....it's not them, it's you. Maybe you should start occupying your boredom with other things instead of boys? It sounds like you have a case of ADD in regards to them. I mean all of this in the nicest way possible, I really do.
@Dobserver@xanga - meh, i disagree slightly.
i mean; i guess SOME of the passion dies down. but its been over a year for us, and i still get a big swoop when i see my bf. or if he hugs me or does something sweet. or even sends me a nice little text. idk. i'd be sad if i really felt "whatever".
but - we were best friends for over 5 years before we kissed and started dating. so yeah i agree pretty much what everyone else is saying - take it sloow! that way, also, if you stop being attracted, people's feelings will be less injured. cause sex i think also messes things up if its not the right timing
This used to happen to me a lot. It's not that you don't want a relationship, you're just not being selective enough when you start one. It all stems from settling for less than you should for the sake of companionship. Set your standards, and don't settle for close enough. Find someone who captures your interest in every way imaginable so that you stay interested in the long run.
Mm, I'm in the same boat. Excpet that I don't care for sex (not at this age xD).
maybe you need to not have sex with these guys and just try to be their friend and see if you're still interested with them even without the sex. sex always changes the relationship no matter what you think.