He Might Be Talking to His Ex...Is He?

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

He Might Be Talking to His Ex...Is He?
I have been dating this man for a little over a year. I knew he had major issues when I met him (he's my best friend's boyfriend's best friend...if that makes sense). His wife cheated on him with one of his groomsmen. She now lives in another state. When things are good between us, they are amazing. I am madly in love with him. He, however, has a switch that makes him shut down and cut off all communication out of the blue, sometimes for more than a week at a time.

Now I'm somewhat damaged goods myself, so I have major trust issues from things that have happened in my past. When he does things like that, I automatically assume the worst. That he is either A: cheating, B: doesn't care about me and just wants to screw around, or C: is talking to his ex.

Here is the worst part. If option C occurs, they are still legally married. When I confronted him about it, he said the only reason that they've never divorced is because of debt they had together (which I think is a total bullsh*t answer). So if indeed he does end up talking to her again I have no jurisdiction over anything.

I found out she has been calling him trying to "be friends," which he swears up and down could never happen. However, I am fairly certain that she is just trying to mess with his head now that she sees he's with someone else, not pining away over her like she imagined.

I don't take love lightly. I truly and honestly love him with all my heart, but when he shuts down on me like that it kills me. Should I try to stick it out and take the good with the bad or cut my losses and bail out? Help!

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What happens more, the good or the bad?
Does the bad outweigh the good?
Is the bad worth the amount of good you receive?
Does being with him make you unconditionally happy 99% of the time?
things to think about before you decide anything,
- 7/14/2009 4:10 PM
- GiantUnicorn@xanga (message)
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Cut your losses before he really gets the chance to hurt you.
- 7/14/2009 4:10 PM
- Luvlystarr@xanga (message)
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Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about all this?
I don't know what you should do, but his answer as to why he never really divorced her is a bullshit reason and should throw up a red flag.
- 7/14/2009 4:10 PM
- givemecoke@xanga (message)
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I don't envy your complicated situation.
- 7/14/2009 4:17 PM
- methodElevated@xanga (message)
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that sounds waaay too messy for me i'd bail
- 7/14/2009 4:21 PM
- Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga (message)
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it sounds downright painful. and it must be so confusing. do you feel that you could move on? do you two live together? do you have access to his email and cell phone and stuff to know what he's up to?
- 7/14/2009 5:12 PM
- Loonsounds@xanga (message)
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break up with him. if he truly loves you then he will realize what he's lost and come back, if he's talking to his ex then he'll just go right back to her. so either way you would know the truth.
- 7/14/2009 5:45 PM
- oh_no_alabastro@xanga (message)
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I'm sorry, but he's still "legally" married, so whatever happens, I still think you're at a loss. If you stay with him, you can't marry him b/c he's not divorced yet. Although things are good now, but he's still married by law, so you are actually considered a third person. You are currently with him, but you will always have this barrier between you and him. While you love him, you also have to think from your standpoint. Think about what is best for you.
- 7/14/2009 6:08 PM
- xSayakax@xanga (message)
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bail, it might end up sticky.
and if it's a financial problem, you might be dragged into it.
- 7/14/2009 6:59 PM
- ordinary_gir1@xanga (message)
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Bad Credit Bad Credit WOOP WOOP.
Look out for that one, even when he finally divorces his wife. Bad with money, eh? Can we say prenup? Right now though, I would just tell him everything you're feeling at the moment.
- 7/14/2009 7:12 PM
- Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga (message)
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Bail, until he gets an official divorce. YOU want to be the one he's obligated to, both emotionally and legally (I mean, even if you don't get married to him, he's still "legally" bound to SOMEONE). And this hot and cold stuff, especially when he's not "officially" yours, is BS.
- 7/14/2009 7:15 PM
- Jane
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You should talk to him about this. If he acts like he doesn't care, if he makes more bullshit excuses...then end it. You can totally fidn someone else who will be perfect for you.
- 7/14/2009 7:16 PM
- discoxapples@xanga (message)
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I don't know.
- 7/14/2009 7:17 PM
- ViciousGrin63@xanga (message)
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if he's talking to her and goes back to her then he's a bit of an idiot, but you just need to talk to him, find out more about the so-called-debts they have, and if it sounds legit then i guess he's telling the truth, dont do too much questioning though, because in the end he'll just think you dont trust him at all, and we know how that tends to turn out...
goodluck x
- 7/14/2009 7:35 PM
- CynDynamite@xanga (message)
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Sounds stupid. If he really did not want to be married to her, they would get a divorce. It sounds pretty sketchy myself. And what's the fun in having someone randomly ignore you for a week at a time?
I think you could do much better. Find a legally single man!
- 7/14/2009 9:11 PM
- xjadersx@xanga (message)
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if you're feeling that already, it's time to move on without him.
- 7/14/2009 9:27 PM
- superGchik@xanga (message)
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Cutting off communication for days (or even weeks) at a time isn't good. :/ You should try talking to him.
- 7/14/2009 9:37 PM
- a_single_raindrop@xanga (message)
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yeah.... thats not good... i'd be suspicious as helllll.. why does he cut communication like that? he shouldn't want or need to if you two are so in love.
people are just messed up i think ....
- 7/14/2009 10:56 PM
- Passion_Star@xanga (message)
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he shuts down.. sounds like me. he should try to see someone about it
- 7/15/2009 12:15 AM
- UnopenedSuitcases@xanga (message)
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I had a boyfriend who ignored me for three weeks straight and it killed me too. We were in a relationship for 3 years and 7 months, and him just ignoring me for those three weeks (no talking, communication, nothing.. and we lived together so it was very awkward and heartbreaking for me) made me feel less for him. He had his reasons, but eventually I broke it off with him because he didn't show he was there for me even when he was having his problems (and he did have financial problems as well).

A significant other should always be able to communicate with you, no matter what the situation, because at least it shows that he still cares about you even when his emotions are off. He should at least have the courtesy to tell you what's going on with him. I can't say that he's cheating on you or talking with his ex, but your deductions show that you don't really trust him completely either, which will cause other problems in the relationship as well.
So my opinion? He's not ready to handle another relationships if he's straight out ignoring you, and he still has current issues with his ex. He really has to break it off with her in order to make things work with you, otherwise he's not really committed to your relationship with him. Also, the trust issue will be brought up again later between you two if you are assuming the worst from him. You should ignore him for a couple weeks and re-evaluate the situation. I was madly in love my my ex and we planned to get married and have kids, but because of him not speaking with me (among other unresolved issues) and I wasn't feeling appreciated for what I did, it was enough of a reason to move on because I felt I shouldn't be treated that way, no matter how in love I was.
Tough decision, but none that should be taken quickly . Take a break from him and see what you really want in your life and see how you really want to be treated. If he's not respecting you, your feelings, or your decisions, then it should be enough of a reason to find someone who does.
- 7/15/2009 1:25 AM
- yinyeang@xanga (message)
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listen to case of the ex by mya.
- 7/15/2009 4:37 AM
- xxsuga_sugaxx@xanga (message)
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Oh, dear! Not talking to you for an extended amount of time? He could be doing ANYTHING! You definitely need to bring that up to him specifically. You can't have a functional relationship if he continues to shut you out like that. If he's not divorcing her because of "mutual debt" then they DO have to have some kind of functional relationship (not anything beyond civility). After all, they do have to talk about how to pay it off, etc., so that they can finally get the divorce official. If he is dating you now, he needs to be taking MAJOR steps in that direction. If he says that they are by no means communicating at all (even about divorce settlements, etc.) then that's a red flag that he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Good luck!
- 7/15/2009 5:46 AM
- T0m03@xanga (message)
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wow, i know you love him, but if he doesn't even have the decency to talk to you about things that are important in your relationship & sometimes doesn't talk to you at all? please, thats not right.
- 7/15/2009 3:00 PM
- icebreakers_38@xanga (message)
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If he is still "legally" married, I would bail out until he is officially divorced and single.
Whatever his issues are, it gives him no right to shut himself down and cut off all communication with you. You are his girlfriend, aren't you? There is supposed to be communication in the relationship regardless if one party wants to speak or not.
He can't just turn himself on and off whenever he likes. Seems to me like he needs to find and work on himself even before he can get into a relationship with someone else.
- 7/15/2009 3:54 PM
- jeezshoua@xanga (message)
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I say if you dont see a divorce in the near future go ahead and leave. Also sit him down and let him know how his "marriage" makes you feel. If he truly loves you he'll do something about it and if he refuses to then it just shows his lack of consideration towards you and your feelings. In other words he might not care for you as much as you would like/want him to.
- 7/15/2009 4:23 PM
- votedmostwanted (message)
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