Monday, 13 July 2009
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Being The "Other Guy"
Over the years, I seem to have had a sort of curse clouding my relationships with women. You see, I haven’t necessarily been with a massive number of girls but when I think back, there are only a few cases I can think of when I have and the lady in question has not actually been in a relationship at the time. On several occasions, this has even resulted in the boyfriend being dumped in favour of myself. I guess that makes me something of a home-wrecker, right?The thing is, on almost all of these occasions, I have been none-the-wiser. Seriously, I mean how am I supposed to know or even suspect a girl has a significant other unless he’s actually there or someone, specifically the girl in question, tells me? I just don’t know how it happens; I seem to attract and also unwittingly be attracted to girls who are already in a relationship.
Okay, so the current girl I’m kind of seeing is kind of in a relationship but she swears he’s not her boyfriend and they're not exclusive, or at least she says so. But this is the first time (okay, maybe the second time) that I’ve been aware that I am the “other guy”, so it’s not like I intentionally go out of my way to find women with boyfriends so that I can confuse them immensely and ruin their relationships.
Maybe it’s just something about me that some women in relationships find appealing. I don’t know, I’m just warbling now. Many of the cases, the situation has been that the lady in question has been in an unhappy relationship or is even kind of looking for a way out from one. I guess I must come across as a good escape route or something, as if I’m sitting in the love-plane and the stewardesses are all pointing at me for the emergency exits.
I don’t have a lot of qualms with this, though. I mean, I get some good loving out of each experience but it rarely lasts and often results in seemingly random guys being quite angry at me down the phone. I remember one guy threatening to kill me if I didn’t stay away from his girlfriend but then refused to tell me who his girlfriend was! Hmm, what a predicament...
I’ve stopped counting the number of times I’ve been told, “I kinda have a boyfriend, so please don’t tell anyone about this” or “Oh, I’m definitely going to have to dump [name] now”. I discreetly roll my eyes and silently tell myself, “Ah crap, not again”. I should just up and leave there and then, avoid all that rubbish aftermath and let the girl deal with all the baggage. After all, it was she who cheated, not me, right? She didn’t tell me, so it’s not my fault. I swear, I usually don’t know.
However, I’m a nice guy, so I stick around (most of the time, if I’m able to). I talk her through the whole thing. Help her make the tough decisions. I honestly don’t like treading on other people’s toes, so if it was just a mistake, that’s fine, I won’t let it happen again. But there’s always more to it, there’s always the underlying problems. If the relationship is emotionally or physically abusive, I’m always happy to help and be the knight in shining armour, if I can. Even if I don’t end up with the girl afterwards and I’ve made a new enemy in some guy I didn’t know existed, I do get a certain amount of satisfaction from knowing that I have helped someone free themselves from a shitty relationship.
I would rather not have to deal with all the drama that comes along with these situations but it seems to happen time and time again. What is it about me that brings these situations? I’m torn between feeling like the “evil other guy” and the “shining knight”; what do you think?
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About the Author
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- From: MelancholyRambler@xanga
- About Me: I like semi-colons and proper spelling and grammar. I like reading mundane blogs with no agenda. I like to go down the pub, even if I'm on my own, and make friends with the bar staff over a scotch on ice. More often than not, there is someone I know there I can hang out with. I don't like people who incessantly go on about their weight or only talk about their supposed problems with drugs or alcohol and my pet peeve: the tragic love lives of the "lonely". Okay so all these things are very sad but it's all I ever seem to hear about. Aren't you people bored of talking about the same stuff all the time?
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Comments (27)
Sucks to be you, I guess.
I think it's the girls faults. You are just singlin' and minglin', they are the ones that get wrapped up in you when they know they are already committed. Not your fault =]
I think I'm on the fence about your situation... Since you have history in being the "other man" shouldn't you be more clear about what your relationship stand point is and what hers should be? And if she says she's seeing a guy but doesn't have a boyfriend, you believed her because it's easier to, rather than it is true. After all, you've admitted that you are, of countless times, the "other man."
When you find yourself attractive to someone, MAKE SURE. I think you don't have much qualms about it because it has never happened to you but what if one day it does, what then? Would you just roll over and say: "ah, it came around to bite me in the head for karma?" or would you blame yourself?
You're right, you wouldn't know unless the girl in question TOLD you but you should also take responsibilities in ASKING the questions if you notice the same signs as other girls before. Make sure that you aren't attacked at some alleyway because of an emotional boyfriend that came at you with a baseball bat. I had a friend who did that to the guy who dated his girlfriend. He was upset with her too, but he was more upset with the guy because he probably just 'believed' her when she said "I dont have a bf" or "I now have to dump so-and-so" . How fair is that, eh??
I know where you're coming from. Several times, I found out I was the other woman...though, I am definitely NOT attracted to men already in committed relationships.
I always ask the guy if he has a girlfriend.
Here were my responses
-we're kind of broken up...whatever that means
-no...
BUUTTTT just because a guy says no to not having a girlfriend, doesn't mean they have a significant other.
While I was kind of hanging out with this one guy, I asked the 2nd time we were hanging out if he had a gf, to make sure...and he said no.
Later on down the line...the last day he was in town, I found out he has a wife...yeah, a wife is not a girlfriend alright that's for sure.
THHEEENNN another time, I met this other guy.
To ensure I wouldn't fall for that trick answer again, I asked the guy, does he have a girlfriend or a wife and he answered no to both of those...
Later on down the line again...I find out he has a FIANCE.
I swear to God I attracted men in relationships, but I sure as hell don't like being the other women.
When I go out with someone I prefer to be the one and only woman on his mind.
First thing first, always ask if the other person is single. If it's a "yes," go for it. If it's a "no" or "Well, we're sort of seeing each other but not exclusive or anything jumbo-shit..," RUN.
It don't matter if you got her out of a bad relationship or not. You're still the other guy and that ain't nothing to be proud of, son.
haha looks like this is going to be a tl;dr post
sounds like you're both- you have good intentions but the method that you're doing it is clearly wrong. if you really want to help them (from the guilt that they're cheating on their boyfriends) and protect yourself (from their boyfriends), you're better off breaking up with them THEN helping them on the sidelines.
however, ultimately, i dont think you should take it as your responsibility to "save" them- it's their decision to cheat on their boyfriends and perhaps it's just the cynic in me but, even after all of the help you've given them, most likely, they'll just do it again. it's hard to change people and to help them especially if they're messed up on the inside which is why i'm guessing they not only lied to you/avoid the topic about not having a boyfriend but also played themselves off as the victims. i guess i'm coming off as really harsh but i see some similarities between us in that we love to help people that are in need and easily forgive others when we find out that they've been lying to us the whole time. honestly, i think you're just being set up to be used by them as emotional support- dont buy into it, just leave.
Haha I love this post.
I know exactly the feeling. Its happened to me several times too. I've also been on the other side once. It was miserable. I couldn't stop wondering why, out of the 3 billion girls on earth, did they need MY girl.
And now I've realized that any girl willing to cheat with me, will cheat on me. Except surprisingly that hasn't happened yet.
Kudos to you man. If they can't keep their women satisfied, I SURE WILL!
Haha I laughed at the stewardess metaphor thing you said, never would have thought of it in that way. Maybe the reason it keeps happening is because you let it. I'm not judging you because it's your life (and I try not to do that haha) but I think that you let it happen. I think it's nice that you help the girls out who need it though. I believe if you were truly frustrated or just tired of being the "other guy" you would stop it. So let me ask you/ask yourself this: is there something about these situations that draws you to them? Do you like being the hero, or knight in shining armour, get satisfaction that she likes you instead of her other guy?
And my opinion (gasp is this judging? D:) is that if they say they are: 1. kind of in a relationship 2. just broken up3. in an on/off relationship4. "well I am single but my ex is the omega jealous kind"
then say, "NO go away and stop being attractive, and tell all the other girls on your way out kay?" Basically, if they say they are single without any of those things and then some, you're good to go =] but seriously, ask yourself that question kay? Just here to help :D or at least try
that's great to help girls out, especially in abusive relationships and what not... :)
but you might want to ask if they're single first so the random guys won't get mad at you for no reason :( that stinks, though that you have that "labe;", even though you don't know it.
Ahah as soon as the girls come on to you just say "Are you for sure single? I don't want to get into a mess". Those other girls are bitches. Getting you in trouble like that. I would be so frustrated if I was in your position.
Interesting reading! I wrote one a while back on being the other woman, so I'm glad you posted this one.
My opinion isn't the most popular, but I say if they're not married, it's not even cheating. It's just a boyfriend.
@sumeoj@xanga - What is " a tl;dr post " ?
Seems you're being used as that beacon of light in these girl's eyes. You're that DREAM guy that women SAY they want but are never selfless enough to pursue 100%
They date douchebags that trat them like sex objects, go off and hang out with friends not answering their phones but they have animal magnitism and can't help it... then there's YOU, she cheats on the asshole with YOU, so thats her secret revenge.. but never seriously considered leaving that "relationship" to be yours fulltime. Its like you're her healer, she comes to you to lick her wounds just so she can go back out there and get hurt again.
I dated a girl I didn't know was seeing someone else. We weren't SERIOUS serious, but enough so I stopped seeing anyone else ...you know, that pre-boyfriend/girlfriend stage where you start to tell your friends about her, or you sorta ignore flirting from other girls so not to accidentally start something outside of your real thing... then I go with her and her sister to drop her off at a friend's and she grabs my head and mashes me down like "oh fuck they're shooting get down!" when really it was the guy she was cheating on with me driving past slowly. She TOLD me he was her ex, but they just had a fight and I was her revenge. I was only 17(and was getting laid) so I shrugged it off(but was totally pissed on the inside) after she got OUT out of that relationship I told her I didnt want anything serious because I couldn't trust her.
Can't really condemn anyone for doing what I did, nor tell you to do otherwise because im definitely a more relationship-savvy person now because of all the insane women Ive dated... just be careful man. There's nothing like looking over your shoulder for a barrage of fists from a disgruntled boyfriend and his friends looking to put you out of commission. That home-wrecker shit is for the birds.
in my opinion if you aren't aware of the boyfriend because she lied and said she was single then its really not your fault. if you're not aware because you choose not to ask then its messed up and it is your fault. you should know by now to ask up front if she is single, but by not asking it gives you deniability. i believe that usually you don't know, like you said, but usually doesn't mean always. those other times, the ones that you do know she's with someone, those are the ones that make me hope that someone follows through on a threat and really beats your ass into the ground. maybe thats because i've been cheated on and the guy knew about me and didn't care, so i know how it feels.
@whisperitloudly@xanga - too long didnt read- er, i guess it's kinda like videogame slang
It happens. You just have to be careful in trusting these women and their words. Most of the times they can't be trusted. Anyhow.
(though again..i've never had that kind of experience =) )
is it me or is this guy full of himself?
stark contrast from some "other" girl posts.
I personally think you're enjoying this but are just caught up with the semantics.
@StabbedPillow@xanga - I agree
@Diedra@xanga - I agree
I waited to have sex till marriage..this is why. Casual sex, within or outside of a relationship usually ends badly because if they get tired of you, you're screwed. If you avoided this, it would not end that way. I assume this is the case because the only way one can "cheat" is by having sex with someone other than their bf or gf/spouse. That's just my opinion. I must say though, I loved your word picture comparing this all to the air plane idea.
@jeezshoua@xanga - you totally nailed this.
I think a simple case of, "Are you involved with anyone right now?" would fix this entire situation.
"Oh the girls don't TELL me they're involved with anyone." Yeah, ASKING might also get you that information, you doorknob.
@Diedra@xanga - this, I also totally agree with.
I think its your responsiblity to be fully aware of who you're gettin in bed with. Have you tried asking, "Are you currently seeing anyone?" And if they tell you no then its fair game but if they say yes then thats on you.
ask them and anything that sounds like an excuse, explanation, description or longer then it needs to be, leave.
most of the time its pretty easy to tell if someone is lying, especially about something like this. if all else fails, buy a book on lying and read it!
How about this: ASK her if she's single or not. Make sure. And then you won't have guys trying to cut you up! =]
Hmmm...I can't say much on this subject without being a hypocrite. So...Good Luck
A few things:
It's not your fault if they don't tell you. It just kinda sucks for everyone involved.
Recently I've discovered the polyamorous are a much bigger sub-culture than I realized.
You might want to start asking the women you meet if they are single.
It also sounds like you have a bit of a savior complex. Thanks for being the "good guy", but maybe it's time for you to do more than constantly save women from situations.