When you are regularly seeing someone, there is one excuse that I just cannot tolerate at all: any variation of the "I've been too busy" excuse. You know, the "Sorry I haven't talked to you at all in the past week; I've been so busy that I haven't had a second to send you a text or had even five minutes to call and say what's up."
Now, I'm not a particularly needy person. Yes, when I'm dating someone, I prefer to have a close relationship where you talk every day and see each other as much as possible, etc. I think that's the way it
should be. But I'm not talking about hours and hours on the phone, just a few minutes here and there just to say what's up. I don't need to see someone every day, but once or twice a week is not asking for much. So when we go for days/weeks with minimal contact with him claiming that he's "been busy", that is my #1 sign that things are going downhill.
Because hell, I've used that excuse too.
To belabor this point, take for an example:I was dating this dude a while back. We had been regularly/exclusively seeing each other for about 2 months, then we hit a rough patch. I was trying to make plans for something and suddenly, he had this to do and that to do and didn't seem to have any time to see me. He said "I'm going to start getting really busy." So I said, "Look, if you don't want to see me any more, then just say so. I'm not going to go chasing you around." He paused for a moment, said that he didn't want to call it quits, and then suddenly, his schedule completely freed up. Go figure.
As females, we want to give the dude we're seeing the benefit of the doubt. We want to believe their excuses and then we want to make some more for them. But "being too busy" is never an excuse that I can understand/accept/support in any of my situations or my friends' situations (unless of course you're like psycho and clingy and need 24/7 attention...and your dude actually has a job and stuff...then maybe it's less of an excuse and more of a valid reason.)
Maybe my intolerance for this particular excuse is because I'm a narcissist and very busy myself and if
I can make time for someone, then he sure as hell had better be able to make time for me, lol. But really, we all have too many things to do and not enough time to do it.
So you MAKE TIME for the people that are important to you.
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Comments (36)
Uh, der.
Eh. I've been dating a guy for a year now and I've never seen him much more than twice a week tops, and never *ever* talk to him every day at a stretch. And it works. The busy, it is true when both parties are engineers. :D
I know I sometimes have a problem because if I do get busy, I'll focus on what's eating up my time (be it reasonable things like a project or homework, etc., or less reasonable things like a game, or whatever is immediately on my mind). If I forget to call/text/say hi to someone, though, I'll apologize for it, and try to make it up to them. Just, with how my mind works, I can either super-focus, or super-not-focus. @.@
My SO is actually too busy right now. He's been working two jobs for about a month. Work Schedule is 9am-12am. No time to see each other. He just lost his phone the other day at work so there's been NO contact besides 2 messages on Facebook. I'm needy, but not psycho needy. We work shit out.
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@GiantUnicorn@xanga - Lol, props to you!!
I dated a guy who really did get super busy...like, I didn't see him for a month until his roommate asked him if we were even together still. Then he remembered he had a girlfriend. It wasn't that he wanted to break up, he just got focused elsewhere.
We didn't last long.
But there was a point when I was dating my husband that he had to take about a month and spend it working on his master's project. He warned me about it, and we'd try to take time to spend together when we could, but for the most part, that month was spent with him buried deep in his project and us barely seeing each other. Obviously, it worked out in spite of that. I moved in with him after he graduated, and were married three years later (almost four, actually). I wouldn't always assume they're blowing you off. But maybe it's different if he warns you? I dunno. He's never been "too busy" for me since then.
-Katie
I think my first relationship wouldn't've lasted much longer if I hadn't screwed it up, anyway, because she was always soooooo busy. And it was a legitimate excuse, albeit frustrating and sad. She had college classes, part-time work, theatre and was involved in organizing one or two LGBT groups. We didn't get to see each other often enough for my liking, and then I moved across the state for college. :( That's when it all went down hill.
If both parties understand that they will get busy sometime during the relationship (unless you do nothing with your life), then everything will be fine. Unless someone is needy/clingy, they will be the ones with the problem. Now, I'm not saying I go without talking to my guy for weeks, cause I don't. A few times a week is fine. We can't see each other as much as we'd like, but that may change, but it hasn't been a problem.
A relationship is a compromise. If you know you are a needy person (and if people paid more attention to themselves) and gets into a relationship with some who gets busy, then you know there will be problems. You have an obligation to tell who you're dating how you are. And this goes for anyone.
I don't tolerate the "I'm busy" excuse either. It's total BS! A person who cares about you is NEVER too busy to contact you!
Oh I know exactly what you're saying. I've been on both sides, and almost all of the time, "I'm too busy" is not true, especially if "I'm too busy" lasts for months.
Whenever I hear "too busy" that sends up red flags, turns on stop lights and the warning signs start to flash. My current boyfriend and I barely get to see each other. We both work full-time, go to different schools, live quite far from each other and we've never had that kind of issue yet. We text each other, call each other, e-mail each other, go out of our ways to see each other even if its for a total of 3 minutes. "Too busy" is absolutely not a valid excuse for anyone in a relationship. We live in an era of rapidly growing technology and, besides that, if you really care about a person, going out of your way to communicate with them in some way, shape, or form will feel effortless.
The busiest schedule I had in life was when I was in college. I went to school full time 8am-1:30pm. I rushed back home, ate brunch, change over and off to work I go from 2:30pm-12am (I actually didn't work until 3pm but the 30 minutes driving to get there and coming back home and I actually got off work at 11:30pm). When I'm back at home, I'll snack on whatever I have, stay up to do any homework, papers, or project I have that is due that week, and at last.. call the boyfriend (then). No matter how busy life gets, no one is too busy to contact someone they love.
@deepcreekkid@xanga - A relationship is not a compromise. Its a romantic bond of two people who truly care for one another completely. That is the kind of relationship I have experienced and I do know that this exists for everyone.
I'm seeing this guy who works on the avg of 60hrs a week and that's basically a workaholic in my books. I see him, usually, on Saturdays, and we text to communicate every two days or so, mindless banter if you will. I like the idea that RIGHT NOW, since it's so new, he's making time for me, but I know further down the road, it might not be so. I guess I'm kind of prepping myself although it's kinda hard. Anyways, talk to him about how you are busy as well but you wouldn't snub him so he shouldn't do that to you either. I don't work as many hours as my guy but my hours are later and all over the place; often in the weekend, so if I'm not careful, we'd never see eachother during a busy season. lol
I'm using the "too busy" excuse right now, actually. It's not total BS, sometimes it's just how the events of a day line up! Honest! And if he wanted to just spend a few hours w/ me, it wouldn't be "quality time" because all I do lately is work and sleep. All eating, if there's any, happens at work, lol. My free time is spent running errands and doing things like that. I can't remember the last time I went out for something...
@GtSugacane@xanga - Maybe I phrased that wrong, in a relationship there are compromises. I don't care how much you love someone, there are things you will not agree on, thus forcing a compromise or complaining for not getting your way.
i agree! my ex used that excuse on me and it made me feel terrible. especially when our mutual close friend, who is busy ALL the time doing twenty different things at once, would make time to talk to me about it. my own bf couldn't make time for me but this guy could? tsk.
i agree that if you really are busy you can make compromises. my current bf had a deadline for a huge project two months ago and he just stayed in his office all the time. he even brought a toothbrush and toothpaste there. did we not see each other during this time? no. i brought him food and snacks and accompanied him to keep him awake during the all nighters.
I agree.
I'm sick of all the games.
yeah...to me, "i'm too busy" means "you are not my top priority". that may be legitimate (if work, school, etc. is their top priority at the moment, and you know and support that) or illegitimate (they put their friends, games, everything else above you). i have a bouncing social life, tons of hobbies, but i MAKE time for bf
@JennyGee@xanga - I don't believe I'm too busy means your not my top priority. My boyfriend is in the army and he is going overseas. We can't talk because he literally is too busy. That doesnt mean I am not his top priority it just means that we have enough respect for eachother to know that we are gonna make it. We understand we are both busy and we talk as much as we can. A relationship is not doomed by the I'm too busy. A relationship is what you make it.
Thank you. haha <3
I'd have to agree with you. That's a pretty BS excuse. There is always a minute or two in the day where you can text someone or just call to say 'hi'. To not be able to talk because you're "too busy" is completely ridiculous.
When it comes to that lame excuse I always think of the whole "If [insert favorite actor/actress or musician here] called would you be too busy for THEM?" It puts things in perspective. If someone actually cares about you.. but they keep putting you on the back burner for everything else, then they either don't like YOU as much as YOU thought they did or THEY don't like you as much as THEY thought they did.
@GtSugacane@xanga - Relationships ARE about compromise if you have SO MUCH going on in your life and you also want to be in a committed relationship then you owe it to the other person for said relationship not to be one-sided. If they don't respect your intelligence enough to tell you they havent been able to/don't want to make time for things to work then its time to move on or rearrange things.
Dated a girl that was super anal about schedules and planning and she
would set it up to talk when she KNEW I'd be in the office at work. Its
like.. ok, its cool for YOU to test ME to see how much I want to talk
by if I take my break early to talk to YOU when im at work(and my job was CRAZY about deadlines, there was one deadline at 130, another at 5, and then final deadlines at 1030 and 11)... but when
you're at home, and im at home you find all sorts of reasons (grocery
shopping, chaperoning the cat outdoors in the fenced off back yard
ect.) and I should just understand? This girl was so sweet about apologizing that she had me second guessing MYSELF asking if I WAS the clingy one.. then I was like.. wait, 3 days a week, 15-20 min phone call would be FINE and she couldn't manage that. So not to be played for a fool I forced her hand into telling me whats up "If you can't find time then you clearly don't want to do this. Give me a call when you're not so busy and if I find time to hit you back then we'll talk"
It was a dick move on my part but after 2 months of the "im busy" routine its easy for someone to bring the uncharacteristic jerk/asshole out of any normally sane/self proclaimed "nice" person.
To the girl with the boyfriend in service : thats a completely different circumstance than just some random shmuck with a regular 9 to 5 leading someone on because they don't have the common decency to end it, so they make themselves unavailable to force YOU to end it. Your textbook "dont shake the shit off, let it slide down" lazy break-up technique.
I dont WANT to be top priority. I want my S/O to have a life outside of me, but I'd like to be a part of it. Even if I'm 3rd priority under family/friends/job I'd be ok with that. But saying you're too busy, or "ive been busy" in a semi lengthy email? When they could've just called instead of writing an email? Clearly games are being played and its best to break loose before you go insane.
I also understand if it shapes up to that person actually IS busy, but you can take a few seconds out of every hour to handwrite a note or something and snail-mail it. Just that sentimental gushy bullshit to let your S/O know that you're still on their mind... if not it just seems like a person is trying to juggle and "have it all" ...when that other person could be with someone else that would treat them better and had more time.
..hahaha, its obvious im the seasoned veteran here on the subject at hand ahahah :( lol