Sunday, 12 July 2009

• It's Just a Number... Right?

  My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over half a year now.  And things have gone great.  We met under the most random of circumstances after both having been single for over two years.  And our relationship has grown to greater heights than I've ever experienced in my dating history.  To be clear, I love this girl.  With all of my heart and everything in my being, I L-O-V-E this girl.  But something happened a couple months ago that still bothers and disturbs me to this day. 

  We had the conversation that no couple should ever really have.  Yes, I'm talking about that oh so dreaded "how many people have you been with?" conversation.  The fucked up part is that this conversation actually came up as a result of just a string of jokes.  Neither of us actually initiated it.  So I didn't even have a chance to brace myself for this.  Anyway, it became clear that my girlfriend, now 26 years old, has a pretty colorful sexual history.  She didn't give any specifics, but it was alluded to that the number of partners she's had is somewhere in the neighborhood of 50-70.  God, it my makes my stomach turn and drop just writing that down.
  
  I've known some pretty notorious tramps, and even their numbers weren't that high.  I had originally thought she was joking, but when she noticed I was obviously disturbed and disgusted at even the notion, she broke down into tears.  She buried her head into my shoulder, tears flowing, lamenting her past as being "filled with mistakes" and how she "hates who she used to be".  She explained that in her younger days she had severe emotional issues, lacking all self esteem and confidence, and that it wasn't until a few years ago that she decided to grow up and treat herself better.  I couldn't bring myself to beat the horse any further with her being so distraught.  So I comforted her and reassured her that this wasn't something I would end the relationship over.  Change of subject, and move on.

  The reality of this, though, is it still disturbs me.  And if I had found out about this in the beginning of the relationship I would have walked away, never to be seen or heard from again.  But I found this out after we fell in love.  After I realized she was "the one."  So now I have no choice but to deal with it.  It's been very easy for people to tell me I should just get over it. 

  "What does it matter?  You love her, right?"
  "You've been with lots of girls.  Should she hate you?"
  "The past is the past!  Let it go!"

  Easier said than done.  I did a lot of soul searching trying to get to the root of why this bothers me so much.  It isn't the fact that I haven't been with as many.  My number is well into the 25-35 range.  It's not as high as hers, but it's enough.  And I'm not exactly a virgin myself, obviously.  I can accept the past is the past.  SO what is it?  Then it hit me.  Like an upper cut from Iron Mike, it hit me!

  "I've lost my respect for her.  I still love her and I still want to spend my life with her.  But I don't respect her."

  Is this even possible?  Can I truly love and be with someone that I don't respect?  It's come to the point where I still have nightmares about it.  Dreams of her being with other people, doing things that I never want to see in my head ever again.  When she shows me old pictures of her I can barely look at them without feeling my heart sink.  She sees them as just photo memories.  All I can see is that young girl I hate.  Screams of "whore!" and "slut bag!" run through my mind every time I'm forced to see anything even a day older than the first time we met.  Whenever we're out together and she runs into someone she knows I can't help but wonder to myself if he's someone who's had his way with my girl.  If she suggests hanging out with some of her friends I make an excuse not to go.  I hate the idea of being in a room where there's a chance some of the guys have slept with her.  It makes me want to puke.  Let's be honest with ourselves.  No one likes knowing the love of their life was once the town pump!

  But it still haunts me.  In the wild throws of our passionate love making I find my mind still wanders.  Her moans of pleasure hurt me, because I can only think of how many others have heard it as well.  I worship her body, yet I can't help but feel it's a mountain too many have climbed and just doesn't feel like I have something special.  I no longer feel special.  It hurts.  Every day. 

  Am I destined to live with this hate and pain forever?  Like I said, I'm not willing to give her up over this.  I just wish I could find some way to deal with this.  To respect her again.  To feel like I have something special again.  To look at her the same way again.  To love her the same way again.

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