Sunday, 12 July 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Why Can't I Be Happy?
At the risk of sounding like a paranoid, possessive, clingy girlfriend, I'm submitting my woes for your advice and judgment.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We met in college and have since graduated, and while neither of us are currently working where we dreamed we wanted to be, we're making do. He recently moved about a 40-minute drive away but stays over during the week because I'm closer to his workplace.
Almost every Friday night, he goes out with his work friends. I've met them once or twice, and while we're not "close", we're friendly and they've seemed really welcoming of me at their parties/dinners. When he goes out with them, I don't usually see him - he doesn't stay over because he doesn't "need" to, and I understand he's got his own place and stuff.
The thing is, I'm not invited to these get-togethers. Now, before you start jumping down my throat for being over-controlling, I HAVE been invited before, those one or two times. And his friends have come out and asked me, "Are you avoiding us? Why don't you ever come along?" So apparently, it's not that *they* don't want me there. They also say, "I thought [boyfriend] was making you up!" which begs the issue of why he's trying to "hide" the fact that I'm his girlfriend or that I even exist.
The question is, Does HE not want me there? I understand we each have our own lives and circles of friends, but it bothers me irrationally that he goes out three, four times a month with these people and he never asks me if I want to come along.
Perhaps I've got a screwed up sense of what couples do together, but isn't going out together one of the normal activities? Most of his friends are females, so it's not a "guys' night out" type of thing, either. I can't even figure out why this bothers me so much because I'm not much of a partier, so it's not even that I *want* to go. So what's my problem, right? But it's come to the point where I grit my teeth and bear out Friday nights, because I've come to hate the start of the weekend.
What's wrong with me? Am I just being stupid and insecure? And what could I say to my boyfriend when I don't even understand what I'm feeling or why I feel this way?
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Comments (22)
Oh I have been here a time or two before (with 2 of my ex boyfriends) and I couldn't figure it out either...
My thought that always popped up was "he is embarrassed of me" or something like that. When I confronted them about this they always had the same (exact) answer "I'm not embarrassed, I just rather keep you separate from them"
I think that is pretty shitty on their part, because I would always invite them to hang out with my friends.
So, I am pretty happy that they are both out of my life.
but I think you should voice your thoughts to your boyfriend and see what he says, let him know how you feel about this.
Maybe he just likes to have friend time without a girlfriend tagging along.
You could always just ask, honestly, if he wants you there or not. Just don't turn it into a big fiasco.
Guys need time to themselves. Without you.
I can understand how you'd feel ostracized - I'm the exact same way. I think my boyfriend should want me with him all the time! But alas, such is not the case.
And you say three to four times a month??? That's nothing! Really!
It's easy to be paranoid. I know because I too get that way. But guys really do need their away-from-the-girlfriend time. It's good for them. So try to stay strong!!
YOU'RE JEALOUS!
I get this all the time. Whether I'm with someone or I've just peed on him. I want them all to myself all the time whether we always see each other or not.
I suggest asking to come along because you're bored or whatever and see what goes on. If that doesn't work try making your own Friday night out. Don't tell him what you're going to do necessarily but just have some fun. Maybe he'll want to join you instead one night. If not then at least you guys are having space and having your own fun.
This is an important aspect of a relationship. There are a few things to consider, because I don't think you're over reacting.
It's not that hanging out with his friends 4 times a month is a lot, but how many times a month does he take you out, alone? There's a difference between spending time together, and spending quality time together. I think that's where you're worried. Just because he spends the night over, I know that at times it might feel more like a routine or a convinient thing for him to do, and that's a realization that's hard to deal with.
You can compromise. The communications should be there. The compromise could be that out of those 4 times he goes out to hang out with his friends, you go with him every other weekend.OR If he only goes out twice a month and then takes you out on those other two fridays that could be nice too. It all depends on what his response to you is when you talk to him about him going out.
I don't think that you're being possesive but maybe you're afraid you're outgrowing him. Another thing is that you could also be enjoying a personal activity at home or outside, while he goes out with his friends, and that can help you look forward to the weekend rather than dreading it!
Every woman has their needs and it's important to voice them or else he'll never know that you feel the way you do. I hope this helps! ^_^ Good luck!
OMG I was just going to write something about this...I have the exact problem..just that I'm not ever invited. My boyfriend recently started going out with this one group of people a lot, and I was never invited. We have a LDR, and even when I was in town, he would actually leave me at home and go out with them and then come home to me. They're mostly girls as well, and sometimes I wonder whether they even know he has a gf. When I asked him, he said it's because he's still trying to make friends and he would introduce us once his friendships with them are stable...I don't know whether I should believe it or not...
Well, sounds like you could be jealous, for one. The fact that he's hanging out with a ton of females on these friend nights without inviting you. That probably sparks a little anger in you. If he were hanging out with JUST guys, would you feel this way or would you be more comfortable with it?
So, talk to him about it. For all you know he could be forgetting to tell you that they invited you. Maybe he thinks that you would bring it up if you felt the need to go with him. Just talk to him about it, maybe next time ask if you can go with him.
i've always believed that relationships that are from high school and college never really last. don't get me wrong, i know lots of people who are still together from high school or college but the other majority is not. after college, we get into our careers and we start to find other things that interests us and we start to maneuver that direction. i've noticed a big change in me, the girl was at 22 when i graduated isn't the same girl i am today at 25. i know it's only been 3 years, but life happened within those three years that i don't think i would have reacted the same if i was 22. maybe things are just changing between you guys, opportunities are just approaching you two.
If my husband's was hanging out with quiet a few female co-workers and they end up making those comments and asking those questions that they ask you, I would be curious too. I don't think you are insecure, jealous, or stupid. I think you just want to know an answer to why he (the boyfriend) never invite you to these get togethers and what are his reasons.
Seriously. Since he has his own place, he should stay at his own place even if his workplace is closer to your place. That way, he won't feel like he's already tied down or that he should spend the weekend without you.
Best you can do is talk with him and tell him how you feel.
it's the same feeling where, even though you can't go to a birthday party/wedding, it's still nice to be invited. talk to him about it
Ok! well you do not sound insecure... I think that you should talk to him about it...I bet it's not nice to not even be invited and maybe he has a valid reason for it! :) Good luck!
He just needs his own thing. I know even with some of my best friends...I love them dearly but I need a separate set of friends or something just to keep feeling like an individual. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.
I think it's essential that couples have their own interests that don't always involve each other, but that doesn't mean you don't want to have an active role in some of said interests. I also believe it's essential that couples have some time to themselves and what not. That I do firmly believe. However, I do believe you should voice your thoughts and feelings on this matter to him, because if you don't he isn't going to know and he's going to assume you're okay with him hanging out with his work friends and staying home by yourself on these nights.
@xica_iris@xanga - Well said
I think you should figure out what you want to do for fun on those friday nights when he goes out too. I think he goes out without you to keep his individuality. I get peeved sometimes when people asked about my boyfriend all the time, its like, what about me? hehe
Just ask him. You can tell him "it seems like you don't want me to go with you or something ..." and hopefully he'll tell you why he isn't asking you to join him.
If not, you can invite yourself with him and see his reaction. :/
Whether you actually want to go or not is irrelevant, and if he ever says, "Well I didn't invite you because I knew you wouldn't want to come", don't buy it. The invitation is what's important. Just ask him what's up. It is that simple. And don't accept "It's just my guy-time". The point of a relationship is involving another person in the important parts of your life.
That doesn't mean every time he goes out he should take you, but if his friends don't even know you exist, that's a problem.
oh, man. I have this same problem,
my boyfriend ALWAYS says "I didn't invite you because I knew you wouldn't want to go."
And I've always said "Okay."
But, he just assumes I don't want to go without even asking me, and that's what bothers me.
This is a problem.
Just ask why he never invites you along, and that you're concerned that he's embarrassed of you.
Meanwhile, you said you have your own circle of friends--do you invite your boyfriend to hang out while you're with them? Does he ever express interest in doing so? Perhaps he just wants to make sure he has his own time and you have yours. The best way to find out is to ask.
"The question is, Does HE not want me there?"
No, he does not want you there; that's why he did not invite you. If he just got this job, he may be hiding the fact that he has a girlfriend, and hoping that his new female friends will hook up with him.
Maybe because he knows you're not a partier, that's why he doesn't bother asking you. It'd be nice, but some people are just like that. If you want to join him, ask him to ask you next time. Or since he sees you M-F, he wants to have alone time with his friends.
because you're not a party animal like you said so yourself?
nah, guys aren't that considerate. he's out there flirting with girls and pretending he's single.
Why not consider that maybe... JUST maybe, he wants to spend time with his friends WITHOUT you? He took you out before, he maybe thought the dynamic was off due to you being there, whether it was intentional or not, he didn't like it. So he decided not to bring you out....
now if he lied about it to you and said: "so and so made a comment so I decided to be considerate" and that so-and-so wondered why he didn't bring you around anymore... then fine, he lied, you should be suspicious, kick his door down and see.
HOWEVER if he just didn't like bringing you around the one day a week that he gets to spend it with his friends (whether it's work ppl or not), then why not let him have his way? You can have YOUR girls' night out with your friends, you can go for a spa, pick up a hobbie, whatever... I think you need to give him his need to be away from you. It's a healthy thing...