Miss Rhino
A lazy Sunday spent floating in rafts in my pool with my friend Michelle led to conversation revolving around standards, attraction and dating. We had spent the night mingling with two of the most horrid couples we had seen in a long time. No, that's an exaggeration. The girls were fine. Their boyfriends on the other hand were simply tragic. To spare you the details I will just tell you that these couples were as mismatched as stripes and polka dots.
After talking about all the things that irked us about these two guys, we just couldn't pinpoint what it was that attracted these girls to them in the first place. This may seem shallow but first impressions do count for a lot, at least in my book, and they had not made a good impression on us, that's for sure. My only resolution was that these girls had spent time with them and grown to love them for who they are. It's what's inside that counts... blah blah blah.
Michelle couldn't get a handle on this concept. "If I'm not attracted to the person, I'm not going to date them." I couldn't really argue with that.
I stopped dwelling on the strangers we had met and thought about my own life. Unless there is an initial attraction, it's truly once in a blue moon that I'll give someone a chance. And not only that, but my standards are impossibly high. Not only do I have an ideal physical prototype for my mate, but there personality has to be to my liking as well. I'm looking for it all. And that's rare to find, especially when you aren't exploring all the options.
Every year I resolve to lower my standards a bit, to give everybody a chance. But I could never follow through. And that day in the pool I started to make the same resolution all over again, but I stopped myself. I don't want to settle. I have seen too many people fall into relationships because it's convenient and easy, but it never works out because their heart wasn't in it. So what's wrong with being a little picky when it comes to guys and dating?
So my standards may be high, and I may spend many nights home alone because of it, but I think I'm OK with that.
What are your thoughts? Can you date someone you're not attracted too? Have you ever found yourself settling? Or have you given an unlikely candidate a chance and found yourself changing your mind?
Comments (60)
i have really high standards for the guy's personality. for the looks my standards aren't nearly as high; people are surprised at some of the people i consider "cute". if the guy meets my personality standards and i have some level of physical attraction to him, then i have a keeper cuz i'll go from thinking he's "cute" to the "most beautiful boy in the world" because of his personality. i haven't dated anyone yet. i'm 16.
As you get to know someone more they become more attractive. I understand your argument and I share it to some extent. However, I ask myself. If I found my soulmate and they didn't turn out to have the picture perfect physique would I just be friends with them or blow them off? I suppose it matters if you believe in soulmates or just being able to connect with someone beyond physical attraction. We always see it in extremes, the person is super ugly etc . . . But it doesn't have to be that exactly. And also, what happens when you are 40, 50, 60 years old? Do you end your relationship with that person because they are no longer physically attractive due to age, physical deformity etc ? If thats the case then you just justified why older men cheat on their wives for younger women. They aren't physically attracted to them anymore why should they continue being with them? Its because we are human beings and though physical attraction is one part so is the person's mind and personality.
Lots of luck to your search. You will need it and even if you find it good luck holding on to it. Because if I had a gf with that mentality I would drop her faster than a ton of bricks, I don't care how hot she is. Because sooner or later she would probably leave for someone more attractive. And there will always be someone more attractive, what keeps you with that person is the stuff thats beyond physical attraction. And if it takes physical attraction for you to be able to talk with people honestly and get to know them. Then you are gonna need more than luck.
My first boyfriend was unattractive, but he was very intelligent and sensitive--a bit TOO sensitive, as I came to find out--so I gave him a chance. The relationship ran its course. I now have new standards, more specific than the ones I had before.
Live and learn, indeed.
Keep on keeping those standards high! More people should, I think.
i think you can have high standards if you deserve. like if you're stinking rich, you should expect a stinking rich bf. if you're a doctor, you should expect someone who's equally smart. if you're gorgeous, your s.o should be a hot piece too. if you're a jerk, you only deserve a jerk.
or like u know, it gets compensated. like if you're shallow, your bf might be ugly. or if you're poor, you might get someone who's fat.
@steph - exactly. :D
I always give people a chance, but when it comes to dating them and going further, I do have high standards because I want to be with someone who will be of a good influence.
I go with initial attraction. If there's something, then that may turn into more but if it's just a friendship feeling, that'll never really change.
Story of my life. :P Somehow I seem to adapt to this satisfaction.Â
i really wouldn't date someone that i'm not interested or physically attracted to or settle with someone i'm not completely satisfied with. i tried it once, i went out on a date with a guy that i didn't like so much, we didn't have any chemistry, but he thought i was in love with him so he kept calling me over and over again because he was glad that we went out and wanted to go out again. i thought maybe i would like him after i went out on a date, but it wasn't in me. it's hard, i don't think my standards are that high but i want to be with someone i'm attracted to and vice versa. i dont think your standards are high, you know what you're looking for and you're not going to settle for less.
i think as time goes on, even though you may not be attracted to them physically, if there is something about their personality that is very attracted, it makes the person more attractive due to their personality. and i think you shouldn't lower your standards, because if you do, then when will be the last time you do that. and as long as youre fine being single and having fun, that is really all that matters right? it's better to have higher standards than to have tons of heartbreaks or be in many relationships ending in failure.
I've met plenty of assholes who turn out to be good friends and nice guys who turn out to be jerks.
I settle about .97% of the time. It's pathetic and I hate it... I wish I could keep to the standards you're keeping to, but I can't seem to. I have this idea in my head that it'll be fine if we try it for a few weeks and the cards will fall into place over time. That philosophy is so wrong, and so is, I suspect, the way I spelt that p word that has one too many letters. >.-
i have such high standards. if nothing's serious and i'm just having fun, i'm more open to different people. but for a serious relationship, i have high standards & expectations.
I think you should stick to your high standards, settling is NOT an option for anybody.
I used to think my standards were too high until I got many comments from guys saying how intimidating my personality is and how they were too shy to say anything until I made a move. (I hope that made sense.)
Wow. Recently, my friends have been attacking me for my high standards for the ones I hold myself to, and the "world" to and also while looking for a mate, but what they don't seem to grasp is that i am FINE with who I am and what I am looking for.
I find it SAD they have "low" standards, or have LOWERED there standards to fit someone they are currently with. I would rather strive for something better, fitting and perfect than lower myself for something only half of what I truly deserve. If that means I have to wait a little longer, so be it.
@steph - Seriously. People's personalities literally changes their appearance to me, so...?
I can give bad first impressions, so I give people a few chances. If they're constantly giving me a bad impression, then I realize that it's not an impression: they're actually just kinda douchey, and then they become less attractive. I mean, I guess I have high standards for certain aspects of a person's personality, but not his appearance. And sometimes people aren't settling. Sometimes they readjust their standards when they realize that the person they're dating is only human. Not that I'm saying people should settle for someone just because they're there. That's not what I'm saying at all. I just mean that sometimes what looks like settling from the outside is just a readjustment of priorities. If that makes sense...
i agree with you 100%. i'll date who i damn well please.Â
@aurastar@xanga - You're willing to flex but you wouldn't let me come to your band practice?Â
High standards are good for weeding out dead beats and mannerless miscreants... but you have to give people a chance. You could miss out on a great opportunity or even a great potential relationship just because you marked them off of the list simply because they burped at dinner and found it hilarious. (Just an example - I'm hoping you get my drift regardless).
if the attraction is there, go for it! its more than just a physical attraction though, somtimes the hottest guys have the shittiest personalities which makes the attraction go down the drain. Getting to know the guy's personality should be part of the step before considering putting him in the friend pile. i have sort of high standards too.
I agree totally. If we didn't have standards. Well, What would we be? And plus some other people just to have different ways. Other's like giving chances, and some don't. I don't, but because I'm only 16 I totally understand it. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I'm not planning to til I'm 21 because i just wanna find the right one. I want my first to be my last. That's why i have high expecatations. A lot of people tell me that I'm not gonna get that. Well, they'll never know. I would never know eithe. It's kinda like a 50/50 chance. But I can make it happen. I have God. So yeah.
@KissKisstime2die@xanga - Hey, I said I'd love if you could come! =P And may I remind you I already have a boyfriend. No, I am not willing to cheat or look into other options. Haha, but the girls at my school are slutty enough I'm sure you'd find someone you could have a five-day fling with and then she'd drop you stone cold and it wouldn't matter cuz she was just a slut, anyway.
@aurastar@xanga - But but.. you left without me! I was bored all day!
@KissKisstime2die@xanga - No I didn't. I was sleeping. Band camp doesn't start untill the 27th. And would you really wanna be sitting around watching a bunch of band geeks march around a parking lot without even holding their instruments? From eight in the morning untill four in the afternoon? I'm only there cuz it's manditory for me to be on color guard. I kinda don't wanna go cuz my ex is in band and there's this rumor going around that me and my bf broke up that I'm going along with and he's already tried to get with me again.
@aurastar@xanga - All the more reason to take me. I could hit anyone that's mean to you.