Saturday, 11 July 2009
-
Fighting: Thirtieth Time's the Charm!
Miss ToucanMy boyfriend of a year and a half has this annoying habit of getting angry at me whenever I'm upset. He's always done it, but we've hit a bit of a rough patch the past few months, so naturally it's increased.
He will say or do something hurtful and the second I try and talk to him about it (explain that I'm hurt, why, etc, NOT yell at him) he gets EXTREMELY angry and defensive. I've questioned him about this response several times and usually he just gets mad at that too, but the few times he's actually stayed calm he's explained that he's just a pretty insecure person and perceives anything like that as an attack, thus he dives in to defend himself.
I've talk to him about this problem time and time again, and he consistently says he will work on it, but nothing ever changes, not even in the slightest.
Earlier this week, when he was starting in on me (again), I reached my breaking point. I explained to him that if he can't control himself and keep his promise to stop it, then I'm going to have to assume he simply cannot fix it and leave him because I cannot handle my trust being violated and being let down again and again and again anymore. To this he replied that he would work on it, really try and work on it (What was he doing before, exactly? Fake working on it?), and he apologized and such, all the things I had heard a thousand times before.
My question to all of you at the Datingish community is: Is there a point (and if so, where?) that you stop letting someone let you down and let him go??
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (30)
That is what broke me and my boyfriend of 3 years. I kept believing his promises. I kept believing everytime he said he would change and be better. Did he? No. I don't believe that people can change anymore, I was so naive. People can't change what make them THEM, their core is rock solid, so I doubt your boyfriend will change. He says it just to get out of a situation and he knows that the next time you will forgive him again and again. After 3 years of so much emotional abuse from my boyfriend, I cut him off. It hurt like hell but it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. I saw it after the tears dried. Only you know what is good for you but this doesn't seem healthy at all and it's not how a relationship works, I honestly don't see how you two can make it, maybe just accept that it's not meant to be and you'll find someone who will soothe you when you are upset and who will care about what you have to say and not attack you. goodluck!
..so this is happening to me.
answers seem so obvious when we put the situation and the questions out there
@icze_einjhel@xanga - Haha, me too...Though I don't think it's at the OP's level.
He gets angry if we're arguing and I cry and later tells me that he thought I was crying *to* make him angry?!
I think that some guys have real difficulty accepting their faults. Their first response is to chime in with, "Well you did this!" Explain to him that it's not a competition. It's a relationship. And you both have to be willing to talk calmly about your problems. I would say that if you love him, wait a little while longer. Up until this point (and I know this might be hard to believe) he may not have been taking you seriously. He may have just assumed that that's how your fights progress. "Oh, I yell, she cries, and then the next day everything is fine."
Let him know that it's not acceptable, but don't wait around forever.
Honestly, character is the hardest to change. Your SO's insecurity/getting angry during arguments is part of his character. Although he may have tried to change (being the few times her was calm), it's really hard to change. Just as you are trusting, can I ask you to be more insecure/more jealous? The answer is probably no. If you really so "zero" effort to change and it's upsetting to you, and you see way more "pain and heartache" in this relationship, then that's your "breaking point."
I have been and still am in a relationship for almost 1 and 1/2 years. Since the start of our relationship, I've realized that my bf is very sensitive, moreso than I am. We had a few arguments because the things that bothered him didn't bother me. He realized it and said he would change and on my end I would try to somehow reduce his sensitivity (like if there's teasing btw friends, then I'd back him up, I'd show him more affection, so basically, I'd try to somehow reduce the amount of things that bothered him....if this makes sense at all). This went well for a year, but of course I still see his sensitivity kicking in. Although it upsets me sometimes and I know he feels bad too, I knew from the start that this is part of his character and it's hard for him to change, so I've accepted his flaw a long time ago. He did put effort into being less sensitive and I also put effort into helping him. The results are better when we worked together on this.
So the point is, if you feel that your bf is insecure and keeps picking fights with you, can you somehow make him more secure? Can you accept this flaw and help him change? Or would you just give up on this relationship?
... I know how it is... from your boyfriend's point of view...
I'm like that, too. It's gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion. My mother always complains that I hurt her feelings, then I get deffensive because I have no idea how what I am doing would be hurtful. Things that I view as normal. It gets really frustrating because I really do try to change my behavior, but still she find the same things to complain about, sometimes even things I thought I'd been doing better on.
Your boyfriend may not want to admit it because he's supposed to be a big, tough guy, but it might be hurting him, too, that he's like this. I know it hurts me. Maybe his improvements aren't obvious because he's still working on the mental part of it, but he's working on it for sure if he's the guy you think he is.
Either way, maybe it is best that you separate. I don't know. Don't take my words for gospel just because I might know what HE's going through, but I know that it always hurts me to hear my mother critisizing me for how I'm not fixing my faults and the more she tells me I'm hurting her the more hurt I feel because it feels like she's attacking me the whole time, which is why I end up hurting her even more (though I don't want to) and before I learned to accept myself it would hurt me so much to see her like that I actually became suicidal. It hurts to know you're causing pain to someone you love. Which is why I do not plan on living with my mother for longer than I have to, so I can get away from her and stop causing us both pain. Maybe it's better for both of you to just go your seperate ways and hopefully he'll find someone that can handle this side of him, like how my boyfriend understands where I'm coming from and the meaning behind my muddled message rather than what I seem like I'm trying to say but really am not saying at all.
If you can't take it, then maybe you should leave, but try to keep in contact with him if that isn't too hard. At least for a little while.
Once again, I'm not an expert or anything and I'm only 18, so don't take my word for gospel. Look into other options, like maybe some kind of psychological exersize? I don't know.
i think that you guys should just break up. i realized after a couple of relationships that you cannot change a person. only they can chance themselves and if you don't like him for who he is and can't handle the way he copes with things you shouldn't be with him. it's all about understanding that the two of you are different people. you can't tell someone how to cope with problems. it may be different if it were another person giving him the advice or solution you're giving him, but coming from the person who is on the opposite end of the situation.. it would only make it harder for him to try to deal with it and in the end might push him away because he's going to feel that he can't make you happy.
Yep.
If you let someone run you over again and again, they will run you over as long as you let them. If he is really going to try, you will have to see some improvement in his character. If it's still the same and happening again, you may want to reevaluate your relationship and decide what's best for you.
I don't know so much if it's a certain point I think about that I just can't do it anymore. It just kind of... happens. I'll try, and I'll fight, and I'll cry and get upset as long as I have it in me. But there just comes a moment when I realize I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I can't yell. I can't cry. I can't even try to explain myself. I just can't do it anymore. And when I feel that lack of energy and apathy... I know.
The boy got issues. He can't even talk to you about why you are upset? Yeah, there's a breaking point. And you are close to it, if you stay. Beware if this dude captures you, before you leave.
Leaving is the best decision since he already failed twice to make the improvement. Why do people doubt? When they should just leave. The longer you're in a relationship the longer you have attachment to it and it will hurt more things far apart. Better be happy and alone than be miserable in a relationship.
99.99% of the time, people won't change. That's a fact I can probably swear on.
@BeBiJeSs@xanga - I agree with you.
I thought having a relationship was about accepting the faults of the other person. Can't do that, can't board the plane to fly. Also, does anybody else think the picture posted in this site is of a guy peeing with the girl in the bathroom with him?
i dated a guy who was exactly the same way.
no theres no way to 'fix it' and he definitely won't change. do yourself a favor and leave; you will look back and be glad that you did. a guy like that isn't worth it.
I've been in a marriage like that for almost 20 years. Get out now.
He seems like an asshole. Just leave him.
It's a fact that you can't change a person. It's also a rule of thumb that if they don't want to change, or don't know how, that there's very little chance of them doing so. What he needs is to trust you, to trust that you aren't trying to hurt him or offend him. You're his girlfriend, therefore the last person to want to do him harm. He also needs to grow some patience. He's hurting you, and then yelling at you because of your reaction. He needs to be able to look at himself in a thoughtful manner and come to the conclusion that he needs to change. It seems to me that he doesn't think there's any reason for change. He'll probably have to come to that conclusion by himself.
You, ma'am, don't deserve that. You're trying really hard, and the thing is, there's no way for you to make this better on your own. The only thing that would fix it is if you were to pretend to not be upset just to keep him happy; and frankly, that's not fair to you, nor is it healthy in the least. You're being truthful, trying to communicate with him, and he's basically throwing it back into your face.
I'm not ragging on him at all, because you know, what he's doing is human. Most of us need to realize "Hey, I have a problem" on our own before we choose to change.
There is definitely a point. You've told him that you would like him to change at least twice now. He hasn't shown that he's going to. That kind of says to me that he doesn't believe that you'll leave him if he doesn't change. This relationship isn't particularly healthy, in my opinion, because the two of you should be able to communicate your feelings calmly without anger; and he's not upholding that. I think that once you see he's not trying to change this time either, that that will be the point. Or, you could go with the point most women do, and just wait until you're totally, absolutely, fed up.
I wish you the best of luck, you truly are in a horrid situation.
I don't think he's an asshole, some people naturally are defensive. Some people can argue for years, It just depends If you feel like the love you have for each other Is worth It or not.
i once went thru this not too long ago. it got to the point where i was so fed up that eventually i left and then he came back to me begging me to come back to him but to me, it was abuse, i was taking it for so long, i didn't realize it, until i was so bruised and the wounds kept opening and not healing, i realized that it wasn't healthy for me anymore and i had to get out. i'm not telling you get leave him but think about you and your situation and if it's healthy for you to be in this relationships. only you know what's good for you.
My bf does that when I get EXTREMELY angry at him. We will just fight mercilessly and then get over it.
If he does want to change it, it's going to take time because it's been a part of his personality since birth. He can't change over night now if he's still like that after 1/2 year, obviously there has been no progress...up to u on what you want to do with it.
Maybe to put everything in middleground, instead of fighting right then and there when you're both angry and feel the most hot headed....fight over it in 1 hr or even overnight so the heat is gone and you two can talk it out with some logic involved.
My philosophy is, if you NEED someone to change in order to get along, then you aren't right for each other anyway.
Love someone for who they are, not what they could be.
@pillowpixies@xanga - I have been on the receiving end of this, and it hurts to be told I need to change. I tried and tried, but like you said, it doesn't happen overnight. It's part of the personality and nature you had before you met this person. I tore myself apart trying to change, and then he left me anyway. It took me a long time to recover the scraps of myself that I had torn off for him. Still, after I had put myself back together, like I always had been, I came to the conclusion that I liked myself the way I am. I didn't need to be with a person who was always telling me to change. If he couldn't love me for all my quirks and faults, then he just couldn't love me, and breaking up was the right thing to happen. I am now much happier with myself, more secure with who I am, and with a man who loves everything about me, and who does not want me to change myself for him. When we fight, the things that we discuss changing are not major parts of each others' personalities. There is no longer any "I can only enjoy being with you IF YOU...". There is only, "I enjoy being with you the way you are, but we could make this even better if WE..."
It is my opinion now, that if a person absolutely cannot get along with someone without a change in that person, then it isn't meant to be.
@aLLy_138@xanga - Being the one that was asked to change, I can tell you that it's not always the fault of the person on that end. I wanted to change so badly, because I loved him, but I just couldn't make it stick. It is a dual responsibility; he couldn't accept me, and I couldn't change. Still, I agree that whichever the side you're on, situations like this should come to an end. I'm glad it did for me, even though I was the one being told to change, and the one eventually left behind.