Well, before I get into the details of this situation, there's a little backstory that will probably help you make a better judgment on all of it.
I have known my ex-girlfriend, let's call her Angela, since 7th grade. I think it's safe to say that there's always been some sort of attraction between us ever since we've gotten to know each other, really. We tried dating in 8th grade, and that ended awkwardly after a short week. We decided to try again my freshman year of high school, and I lasted a few more months before screwing things up on my end. We went our separate ways for a while, I going into another short relationship, and Angela into a more long-lasting one with a guy that we'll call Chris. When my relationship ended, I became the "best friend" that still had lingering feelings for her.
She continued to date Chris for a little over a year. In the summer before our junior year, she began to confide in me her doubts about her relationship with Chris. The details are irrelevant to the story, but more or less the more insecure she felt, the more we talked. Eventually, the "I still have feelings for you" conversation happened (initiated by her), and it all sort of turned into a mess. Eventually, she left Chris for me, and - go figure - our new relationship, which I thought was going to be perfect, ended up not working out at all... but we left each other on good terms, for the most part. After the dust settled, Angela ended up dating another guy; let's call him Mike.
Fast forward to today. They've been dating for about, say, 7-8 months now. Recently, Angela got engaged to Mike. Angela will be a senior in high school next year, while Mike will be a college freshman.
Before I ask my question, here are some tidbits I didn't include in my synopsis of our past that might be helpful (or just things I found amusing):
- Angela has known Mike for the same amount of time that she has known me.
- When we broke up the last time, Angela told me that she has had a crush on Mike since the 7th grade.
- At one point, Chris suspected Angela of cheating on him with Mike, although it was false (just kind of a flirty nature).
- Angela has always been a romantic. Reads romance novels like a fiend and is a Twilight fanatic. (By the way, Angela is 17. Bella Swan's not too far away...)
- When we first started our "supposed to be perfect" post-Chris relationship, she confessed to me that she had thoughts of wanting to marry me as well.
- Angela is moving in with Chris on her 18th birthday in February, and getting two jobs (Americorps, which is a during school program, and a job outside of school) to help pay for the apartment they will be sharing together.
- While she is engaged now, the wedding is going to be held 5 years from now, i.e. after college.
- Her wedding, as it is planned now, will take place at the same gazebo that her biological parents married. They are now divorced.
- Her parents have no knowledge of any of this.
So, readers, I pose to you this question. Is it okay for her to be engaged at 17? If not, should I say anything about it? Try to dissuade her? Or should I leave it for her to go through?
Part of me instinctively wants to reprimand her, not because of a "it should have been me" mentality (I no longer wish to be with her) but because I still feel that she's too young and the relationship hasn't gone on long enough. However, after seeing that she will have many years before actually tying the knot, I realize that she will have a decent amount of time to think things over. I guess I'm pretty conflicted. Thoughts?
Comments (102)
"Only time will tell."
I personally think 17 is a little young...Any age under 25 is like...red flag in my book. But that's just me.
Don't worry too much... If they're meant to be, they're meant to be. If not, then they're not.
To be honest, it doesn't sound like your friend knows what she's getting herself into.. It sounds as if she wants the label of being engaged more so then the actual resposibility. Being engaged is obviously something seriously, it's a commitment to one another.
I have been engaged for almost a year and yes, I was 17 when he asked me. I don't believe it to be "ridiculous or absurd" at all. It doesn't matter how old you are or how young you are.. what matters is if you actually love one another and you're mature enough to handle to situation.
What I believe you should do is just let her relationship run it's course.. Sounds a little harsh but that's what you get when you jump into a situation that's so serious.
I've known younger.
it's not really something you should worry about. "engaged" at 17, well.. she's only been dating him for like 7-8 months right? like who knows what can happen in that time frame leading to their "wedding". she just need to get her head out of romantic novels.
@ViciousGrin63@xanga - Sorry, OP here. I meant Mike. >_>
Using fake names is a bitch.
- John
I don't think you should be worried about it. 5 years from now is a long way off and a lot can happen.
I speak from experience. I got engaged 3 years ago and now I am single. We realized that we just weren't meant to be...and other reasons.
Five years is a long time. Most of the time when stuff like this happens, it doesn't work out.
The girl wants some type of stability by giving it a 'title.'
Five years is a long time from now. Let her live and learn what she can and can't do. You can't be the person to persuade her or judge her...or what ever. Let her take care of herself and be the 'adult' since she belive marriage is the most suitable place to be in five years.
yes it is. thats a silly question!
i was engaged at seventeen and now we have been married for about a year if there really in love its ok but the might want to wait a little bit before they actually tie the not because most people have no faith it will work because there so young. even though my husband and i are very much in love we probably should have waited because we are still very young
HAHA! her parent's don't know? That's.... too much, I guess. I thought engagements were a little bit more serious. But I guess not.
Most girls are hopeless romantics but this is taking things a bit too far. Then again, there are quite a few people who marry right out of college, and that is what she is planning on doing. Her engagement just came prematurely.
Let her live her own life. It may be the best thing she`s ever done; it may be the biggest mistake of her life.
Just the fact that you're writting about it and trying to get advice...kinda seems like you do care and that you still have feelings for her...maybe you just don't realize it? never the less it isn't any of your buisness and just stay out of it. it'll only cause drama and issues if you try getting involved. 5 years is quite a bit...if they really love each other they'll last...but people change and things change so if it's not meant to be she can figure that out herself eventually. besides there's nothing you can really do at this point.
being enganged at 17 is far FAR better than being married at 17. she still has time to hit the undo button if something happens.
five years is a pretty long time.. hopefully they will resolve any issues they have as a couple in that time, or break off the engagement.
Let her lead her own life. She's not going to listen and they both will think you are trying to ruin the relationship because you still have feelings for her.
why do you care.
it's her life. don't say shit.@ViciousGrin63@xanga - yeah i just thought the same thing.
and i think it's a little ridiculous that they are actually, literally engaged. i could see if they made a sort of agreement/pact that they would stay together and get married in the future once at least he was financially stable and able to start a life together, but to be actually married before either has a steady job/has graduated college seems a little ridiculous. especially with her dating history.
there is the whole "age is just a number" arguement and then the whole "there is no way you can be mature enough by that young" agruement. and i honestly believe that both come into play here. i feel that every relationship has its own set of standards. just because 17 would be too young for one couple, it may be fine for another. on the other hand, after dating for only 8 months, that is not a great deal of time to really get to know each other. while they have been friends since the seventh grade, there is still alot to learn about a person. in moving in together, i think they are doing the right thing, you never really know a person until you live with them. this wedding is planned for five years in the future, alot may happen in that time. who knows if this wedding will actually even happen. even so, i say wish them luck and be suportive. it will happen how its suposed too.
high school draaaama.
she'll learn the hard way.
It's not going to work out. I mean, they are both extremely young and they will grow and change. It's good that they want to wait until they are done with college, but I doubt they will make it that long. When you get engaged... I think a marriage shouldn't be TOO much further up the road. I mean a year at most.
To answer your other question, I wouldn't say anything to her. She is going to do what she wants no matter what you say. Let her make her own mistakes and hopefully she will learn from them.
Let her go through with it for now, besides from years from now when they're supposed to get married they may not even be together....you change quit a bit from 17 to 22.....I'm 22 now and am for the most part nothing at all like I was when I was 17...I'd probably actually strongly dislike myself at 17 haha.
Let her learn on her own hopefully. Besides if they can make it those 5 years before getting married they're probably meant to be.
@rough_souls@xanga - The guy that wrote this blog actually corrected that for me.
It's Mike that she's moving in with, not Chris.
Who the hell are you to judge? Who the hell am I to judge?
Leave her be.
surprisingly I have seen this happen before, but the girl got engage at the end of high schol, or during grade 12 - I can't remember details, and she is now getting married to the same guy 7 years later. so it is possible and honestly it's not like she is in an abusive and crappy relationship so I see no harm to this at all. it's not like they are getting married, the engagement can still be called off if it does not work out.