Well, before I get into the details of this situation, there's a little backstory that will probably help you make a better judgment on all of it.
I have known my ex-girlfriend, let's call her Angela, since 7th grade. I think it's safe to say that there's always been some sort of attraction between us ever since we've gotten to know each other, really. We tried dating in 8th grade, and that ended awkwardly after a short week. We decided to try again my freshman year of high school, and I lasted a few more months before screwing things up on my end. We went our separate ways for a while, I going into another short relationship, and Angela into a more long-lasting one with a guy that we'll call Chris. When my relationship ended, I became the "best friend" that still had lingering feelings for her.
She continued to date Chris for a little over a year. In the summer before our junior year, she began to confide in me her doubts about her relationship with Chris. The details are irrelevant to the story, but more or less the more insecure she felt, the more we talked. Eventually, the "I still have feelings for you" conversation happened (initiated by her), and it all sort of turned into a mess. Eventually, she left Chris for me, and - go figure - our new relationship, which I thought was going to be perfect, ended up not working out at all... but we left each other on good terms, for the most part. After the dust settled, Angela ended up dating another guy; let's call him Mike.
Fast forward to today. They've been dating for about, say, 7-8 months now. Recently, Angela got engaged to Mike. Angela will be a senior in high school next year, while Mike will be a college freshman.
Before I ask my question, here are some tidbits I didn't include in my synopsis of our past that might be helpful (or just things I found amusing):
- Angela has known Mike for the same amount of time that she has known me.
- When we broke up the last time, Angela told me that she has had a crush on Mike since the 7th grade.
- At one point, Chris suspected Angela of cheating on him with Mike, although it was false (just kind of a flirty nature).
- Angela has always been a romantic. Reads romance novels like a fiend and is a Twilight fanatic. (By the way, Angela is 17. Bella Swan's not too far away...)
- When we first started our "supposed to be perfect" post-Chris relationship, she confessed to me that she had thoughts of wanting to marry me as well.
- Angela is moving in with Chris on her 18th birthday in February, and getting two jobs (Americorps, which is a during school program, and a job outside of school) to help pay for the apartment they will be sharing together.
- While she is engaged now, the wedding is going to be held 5 years from now, i.e. after college.
- Her wedding, as it is planned now, will take place at the same gazebo that her biological parents married. They are now divorced.
- Her parents have no knowledge of any of this.
So, readers, I pose to you this question. Is it okay for her to be engaged at 17? If not, should I say anything about it? Try to dissuade her? Or should I leave it for her to go through?
Part of me instinctively wants to reprimand her, not because of a "it should have been me" mentality (I no longer wish to be with her) but because I still feel that she's too young and the relationship hasn't gone on long enough. However, after seeing that she will have many years before actually tying the knot, I realize that she will have a decent amount of time to think things over. I guess I'm pretty conflicted. Thoughts?
Comments (102)
some things are best earned from experence
plus who knows they could work out
Sounds a bit sketchy. Honestly, all you can do is mention your thoughts. You hold no power so you have to weigh the outcomes. She could either take what you say to heart and think about it or she could hate you for bringing it up. Over a five year period, she may very well think through the craziness herself. That's a long time to get cold feet or to just grow up. It might be best if you let it run it's course.
I hope it's just one of those facebook status changes...if anything the engagement won't last too long
that's so young! and a lot can happen in 5 years, heck a lot can happen in a month!
Ahh, well this situation doesn't look so promising.
I don't think she'll last :\
But, I don't think you should really push her out of it, maybe just suggestions or asking her if she's really prepared for this.
Even though you really do seem to want to help her, it's her life after all. Since she has that dreamy romantic fantasy going through her head, I don't think it'd be easy to dissuade her.
If you can't convince her without her getting mad, the only real thing you can do is just let her be. What happens, happens. It could turn out to be a successful marriage, but hey, 5 years is a long time.
(oh and telling her parents about this would not be a good idea either, they'll find out eventually)
who cares if shes engaged...she wants the wedding to take place 5 years from now.anything can happen in 5 years.and she'll probably think you're trying to talk her out of it because of lingering feelings and resent you for it
I have a feeling that in those five years before the wedding is supposed to take place, she or her fiance may realize that one or both of them don't want to get married. College has a way of changing people. Then again, maybe they are extremely serious and really want to get married, if so, it's their decision and not your place to say. You may tell her that you don't fully agree with her decision, but I think you should support her in her decisions even if, and especially if, her plans fall through. If something were to happen and the relationship fell apart, she would need her friends. So just be there for her, let her figure things out for herself. She may realize that it's not all a romantic fairytale and not want to go through with it, but if they manage to stay together, then maybe they're just meant to be together, no matter their age. (Personally, I couldn't imagine being engaged at 17 *shudder* but everyone is different . . . to each their own!)
engaged is just a word, just wait and see if they make it to the wedding date...five years from now
Weird ..
Honestly, it's none of your business. Yes, she's young. High school is too young to be engaged. And a 5 year engagement is ridiculous. Why not wait a little to get engaged? Don't get in the middle of it.
She's moving in with Chris? I thought she was engaged to Mike.
What?
Do not get involved because you will end up being the one who everyone will blame for whatever happens. Just be an observer as hard as that might be. Just my 0.02.
You can voice out your opinion and concern to her as a friend could but at the end, the ultimate decision is hers.
Like many others have said, a lot can change in five years. You can plan everything but if things don't work out at the end, it just don't and you can't do anything about it.
I don't have a problem with them getting engaged, moving in together, or planning their wedding five years from now but my problem is, they are rushing things a tad bit too fast. It's not the end of the world if they could just wait to see if they really want to get engaged, if they really want to move in together, and if they really want to get married.
Plans are exciting but when you are actually doing it, we'll see about that.
Leave her alone, she'll learn on her own. ESPECIALLY since the "wedding" is FIVE whole years from now.
too young to really know what she is doing. she may get pregnant and then what? no this wont last unless she gets pregnant and even then i doubt it will.
she is just being a silly girl. and he is just being a stupid boy.
Don't worry or fret about it: honestly, it's none of your business really.
Seems to me that you're kidding yourself by saying you no longer have feelings for her otherwise you wouldn't be threatened by a five-year engagement.
When I got engaged, my Dad had these words of wisdom for me: As easily as an engagement can be made, it can also be broken off. An engagement is no guarantee of a wedding, and no wedding is a guarantee of a long and happy life.
Let Angela and her fiance work things out on their own schedule, and don't interfere. Let her come to you, confide with you, talk to you and give her the best advice that you can (bearing in mind that you're no older or wiser than she is, really).
If she's happy and content right now, who are you to try and throw a spanner in the works?
Say something once but after that keep your mouth shut...She'll learn soon enough how stupid this idea is...
i'm gonna state the obvious, that she's too young to be engage even though they plan on marrying 5 years from now. the two of them have been going out for about 7-8 months. its not long enough to be engage. she seems like she's in a hurry to be married when she got her whole life ahead of her.
well, maybe you should tell her what's on your mind but do let her know that you're doing it becos you care and that you're juss letting her know your opinion.
I think it's absolutely absurd, but I mean if she's happy then just go with it. I mean she's "engaged" now, but the marriage is five years from now. Anything can happen within a few minutes from now or from tomorrow, let alone five years from now. To me, adding onto the rest of the story... she doesn't seem pretty stable. Every guy in a girl's life is seemingly "the one" at a young age.
You can say something, but I mean if nothing goes as planned... just let time tell and I'm sure she'll learn her lesson and realize how idiotic the idea is.
Just chill out. Things will take the course they were meant to take. As long as she doesn't plan on getting married soon, you should just wait it out. Chances are, the engagement will be broken. People truly find themselves and what they want in life during college/after high school.
im 17... and im engaged. our wedding isnt going to be anytime soon.
age is just a number. if you are mature enough and in love, then go for it.
i think it's smart she's waiting 5 years tho, b/c anything can happen.....
as for you, i dont think you should worry about it. just be her friend and dont judge her just b/c you don't agree with her choices... it is her life after all.
Age does not measure maturity. That being said, she is not mature enough to be making this sort of decison. It seems to me like she's just in a rush to grow up. She's screwing herself over and there's nothing you can do to help her. First she wants to marry you, then she wants to marry this guy. I think she just wants to marry some kind of high-school-sweetheart or whatever.
I can understand the desire to marry, and trying to make plans for a few years into the future, but I don't think it's a good idea to make it so official. I joke that my boyfriend is my fiance because we hope to marry eachother one day, but we didn't go so far as to get engaged. Besides, I would preffer to wait untill he's 18 and his mom can't say anything about it. I would like to wait it out a while, but if I had to choose I would wanna tie the knot before we go to college so we don't have to worry so much about the expenses cuz we got them out of the way.
Just let it play out. The engagement may end up broken off. Being 17 and getting engaged is insane. It's just plain ridiculous.
Honestly, I wouldn't say anything since you once had feeling for her, and she might think that you're jealous. It seem like she's a hopeless romantic. A promise ring is more appropriate for this situation instead of an engagement ring.
Has she mention any about her career? If not, I hope she works on her careers and enjoy life first before she makes a big commitment.
I have to agree that this sounds kinda sketchy... though I think that it would not be the wisest thing if you said something to her... you might want to inform her parents though.
At this point, I don't think you should worry about it. Sure, being engaged that young doesn't sound promising, but if they are really planning for five years away, just let it play out for a while.