Why Don't I Feel Guilty?

Thursday, 09 July 2009

Why Don't I Feel Guilty?

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Our relationship is like any other, with ups and downs; we argue, we make up. We also have a child together. My biggest problem is that our sex life is nonexistent. We barely have sex once or twice a month if I'm lucky. Other people who I've told about our problem have pretty much all come to the same conclusion: he's cheating. In the beginning I refused to believe that, but after a while some things came up and I too have come to the same conclusion.

Needless to say, I began getting "serviced" elsewhere. One of my biggest problems with that is I don't feel guilty. I ask myself all the time is why don't I feel guilty. I do LOVE my boyfriend with all me heart, I don't want any emotional connection with my "servicer" - it's just sex. It's not like I don't discuss my needs with my boyfriend. Just how much more can I beat a dead horse? From the time I was pregnant until after I gave birth we had sex ONCE. That was two years ago; since then we've had sex like 6-7 times a year. I've hung in there with him, I've tried to be faithful, but I just can't do it anymore. He drove me to cheat.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? I hope not! I want to be married to my boyfriend; we just need to fix this kink in our realtinoship. If he's cheated, now I've cheated, we are even. I think? I'm not even sure if he's cheated, it's just speculations (with probable cause) on my part.. Please, people let me know what you think. Am I wrong?

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Comments (103)

Talk to him. If he won't work on the sex problem, then dump him. You're wasting both your time and his if you continue to meet eachother's emotional needs, but get the physical ones "serviced" (as you call it) somewhere else.
- 7/9/2009 6:13 PM
- scrapbook_romance (message)
- reply
Cheating is not the only reason for someone start lacking interest in sex. There could be anything - from Madonna syndrome (he can't help but see you only as the mother after you had a baby), fear of having yet another child, or even him being confused about his sexuality and he is scared to admit it to you. Have you tried talking to him? Might be worse than pulling teeth but it might work, you never know. And cheating on him (even if he did cheat on you) is not an answer. I could never understand the whole cheating thing but it might be just me.
- 7/9/2009 6:19 PM
- LonerB@xanga (message)
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I suggest:
1. Don't tell him you cheated
2. Tell him you need more sex
3. See a counselor or 3rd party that can help you
good luck
- 7/9/2009 6:23 PM
- Pcgecko85@xanga (message)
- reply
What's wrong is your relationship. Two wrongs don't make it right. Either fix it or leave it.
If you love someone, you don't cheat and you feel guilty about cheating. That's just my take on it.
Are you sure you're still in love with him and vice versa?
- 7/9/2009 6:26 PM
- jeezshoua@xanga (message)
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Well your first problem is talking to your friends instead of him, he is probably wondering why you dont want to. It doesnt even sound like you tried to talk to him. Honestly, if you loved him, you would have talked to him prior to getting serviced. You dont love him the way a SO deserves to be loves. I'd come clean if I were you. He deserves at least that much.
- 7/9/2009 6:29 PM
- wolvenchic@xanga (message)
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Couples counsilling sounds like a good idea, as a lot of others have suggested. You two need to be open with each other and honest. It seems really odd that he doesn't want to have sex. Just figure out what's wrong.
- 7/9/2009 6:32 PM
- xjadersx@xanga (message)
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I would advise some serious counseling and talking on both your parts before you go any farther in your relationship
- 7/9/2009 6:40 PM
- ccarothers@xanga (message)
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cheating s wrong... wrong and you obviously dont trust your boyfriend if you believe he cheated on you
- 7/9/2009 6:44 PM
- darkjim18@xanga (message)
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You don't actually know if he is cheating, but you've decided he must be and have done so yourself? I'm sorry, that just sounds like an excuse for you to get "serviced elsewhere", while using this "he might be cheating" card to justify your actions.
You make no account of trying to confront him with either the no-sex issue or your suspicions of him cheating, so I'm left to assume you have even tried to make it work. I'm afraid to say it, but I can't really sympathize with you....
- 7/9/2009 6:50 PM
- Lynnjynh9315@xanga (message)
- reply
You don't feel guilty because you THINK he has cheated. You would probably start to feel guilty if you find out that he actually not cheating.

Anyway, it is still likely he is cheating.
And getting "serviced" by some others does not make it even at all, a relationship just can't go on. Consider one day you see a girl on the bed with and you say,"who's that? Alright, I will go have a ride with someone now, so we're even."
cheat on someone because he/she has cheated on you, is not an remedy to settle what has made wrong. It is just a revenge.
It seems your relationship has really been going a wrong way, communication is really lacking betw you two.
- 7/9/2009 7:10 PM
- kawcha@xanga (message)
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If a guy is really streesed out he won't get horny often. A kid will cause you a great amout of strees.
You really should have talked it over with him before you cheated on him.
What if he's not cheating?
- 7/9/2009 7:21 PM
- Checkmass@xanga (message)
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@EarthsAzureLight@xanga - @Dustin_wind@xanga -

hi, EarthsAzureLight. I am sorry to say, but I kind of agree what Dustin said. Looking on all the facts that are available, she is 100% wrong. I can't go cheated on my gf because I assumed my gf is cheating, right?
I think the other way when you say if the guy doesn't really like the girl, the girl should cheat. I think rather tell the guy straight ahead about separating love and sex. "should cheat" seems really weird, cheating is not the only way, and probably not a way... if both are faking so much, why not face the fact things aren't working?
I know a lot of people here are being harsh, including me, but we are just trying to be real.
- 7/9/2009 7:34 PM
- kawcha@xanga (message)
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You're a moron if you think it's acceptable to seek vengeance based on speculation. If he did not cheat, let's hope he's smart enough to leave you, and you should hope he's merciful enough to give you another chance. If he DID cheat, then the two of you were made for each other... either that or you're both too stupid to realize the relationship needs work.
- 7/9/2009 7:57 PM
- QuantumStorm@xanga (message)
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@Kyren_SkyRyder@xanga - damn that was harsh ... but oh so true

@julianne_elise@xanga - oh hot damn =0

let's just suppose that he wasn't cheating. you should feel like shit. if sex became that much of an issue why wouldn't you bring it up before it got to the point that you felt the need to cheat. & no you are not even. there's no cheating scale. i hope you're having protected sex because AIDS, STDS, and STI's are alive and real + there's nothing cute about that. you talk about marrying him and yet you all can't talk about something as miniscule in sex but you want to spend the rest of your life with someone ... honestly you all need to go to therapy or something if there's any chance that your relationship may work.
- 7/9/2009 8:04 PM
- turnyalightsdownlow@xanga (message)
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u should have talked to him first instead of cheating. he's ur bf and both of u even have a child together so i assume ur relationship must be close enough but is it so hard to talk to him about your sexual desire?
- 7/9/2009 8:11 PM
- raiyaya@xanga (message)
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@turnyalightsdownlow@xanga - OWNED. haha :) I like your response! haha.
- 7/9/2009 8:57 PM
- julianne_elise@xanga (message)
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@kawcha@xanga - Thank you for agreeing, all I'm doing is being real. Sure it's harsh but it's the truth. She cheated. He hasn't that we know of. I'll let simple logic run it's course here in explaining everything else lol.
- 7/9/2009 9:03 PM
- Dustin_wind@xanga (message)
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First of all, ignore the haters here. People can be incredibly harsh and rude. And stupid. It is easy to judge someone else's life, especially when they've never experienced anything close to it.

My guess, based on my own experience, is that you don't feel guilty because there is already a disconnect emotionally with the boyfriend. I realize that you still think you love him and want to marry him, but I would suggest that you really ask yourself WHY that is. Is it just out of habit? That you've been together so long that it seems like the next logical step? Or is there some redemptive quality that makes him more suited to be your long-term partner than someone else?

There's a good possibility that the cheating and the lack of guilt mean it's time to move on. Obviously, if you have a child together, this gets more complicated. But spend time really examining your heart and admitting everything to yourself.

Good luck with everything! I hope you find true happiness.
- 7/9/2009 9:09 PM
- whisperitloudly@xanga (message)
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AND I just read a bunch of other comments. Ugh. I shouldn't read what these people say. They are just stupid and immature with no life experience and lots of haterade.

If your man is not putting out, YES HE IS CHEATING. Men don't go two months without sex.
- 7/9/2009 9:11 PM
- whisperitloudly@xanga (message)
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You're gonna have to air ALL this dirty laundry if you want to "fix" the relationship. As numerous other people have pointed out:

1. You only THINK he's cheating? Fucking COME ON, at least you could ASK him or even just ask the more innocent question, "Do you think we could have sex more often?" or the even more innocent question, "Can we talk about our sex life?" If you don't know what's going on in your own bed and why, then everything you do in "response" to it, is a FUCK UP.

2. You cheated because you THINK he did? Do I even need to tell you what a massive CLUSTERFUCK you just made of your whole relationship? And no, I WON'T take that back because it is SUPPOSED to be that harsh.

3. You don't feel guilty, you DO feel still in love, and you want to get married to the guy you CHEATED on, but you don't want to tolerate low sexual activity levels. Maybe you should take TWO SECONDS to figure out what a FUCKING TANGLED MESS this will become if you get married and legalize all of this MOTHERFUCKING CONFUSION.

4. Finally, my official answer if you can stand all of the prior harshness:

AIR ALL OF IT. TALK. CONVERSE. BARE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING; HIM AND YOU.

No marriage, no further relating, until that's done. Bare, total honesty, or fucking NOTHING.

You begin there.
- 7/9/2009 9:11 PM
- xpialadocious@xanga (message)
- reply
@Dustin_wind@xanga - That's neither mature nor helpful. You're an idiot. And so is everyone else that praised you for being an asshole.
- 7/9/2009 9:12 PM
- whisperitloudly@xanga (message)
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@LonerB@xanga - you totally nailed this, without all the rage I just put into it.
- 7/9/2009 9:15 PM
- xpialadocious@xanga (message)
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@whisperitloudly@xanga - Best answer I've heard.
Don't people realize you can get your opinions across without being a total asshole?
- 7/9/2009 9:17 PM
- doLc3@xanga (message)
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@whisperitloudly@xanga - Your views on sex are disturbing. You say you see people judging someone's life and don't like it? Well you're doing the same thing by saying her man is cheating just because he hasn't gotten any in 2 months. You, my friend, need to reword your criticism if you want it to be taken to heart. And probably take your own advice as well. The reason I say this is because I've never had sex, and I'm 20 years old. So please, don't bother pestering me with your crap.
Also I did recommend a way she can help herself. It's called communication.
- 7/9/2009 9:17 PM
- Dustin_wind@xanga (message)
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@Luvlystarr@xanga - i agree.
xo
- 7/9/2009 9:18 PM
- JessxMaxine@xanga (message)
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