Why Don't I Feel Guilty?

Thursday, 09 July 2009

Why Don't I Feel Guilty?

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Our relationship is like any other, with ups and downs; we argue, we make up. We also have a child together. My biggest problem is that our sex life is nonexistent. We barely have sex once or twice a month if I'm lucky. Other people who I've told about our problem have pretty much all come to the same conclusion: he's cheating. In the beginning I refused to believe that, but after a while some things came up and I too have come to the same conclusion.

Needless to say, I began getting "serviced" elsewhere. One of my biggest problems with that is I don't feel guilty. I ask myself all the time is why don't I feel guilty. I do LOVE my boyfriend with all me heart, I don't want any emotional connection with my "servicer" - it's just sex. It's not like I don't discuss my needs with my boyfriend. Just how much more can I beat a dead horse? From the time I was pregnant until after I gave birth we had sex ONCE. That was two years ago; since then we've had sex like 6-7 times a year. I've hung in there with him, I've tried to be faithful, but I just can't do it anymore. He drove me to cheat.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? I hope not! I want to be married to my boyfriend; we just need to fix this kink in our realtinoship. If he's cheated, now I've cheated, we are even. I think? I'm not even sure if he's cheated, it's just speculations (with probable cause) on my part.. Please, people let me know what you think. Am I wrong?

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You cheated, he (POSSIBLY) cheated on you... so youre even? No. Thats not the correct thinking. If youre not sure if hes cheated on you or not, you shouldve consulted him about this matter. You should talk to him about your sex lives and how it needs to be spiced up. If hes hiding anything, youll know right away while talking. And if he tells you that he cheated... and you go lashing out on him, don't forget that you had someone "service" you, too. Let him know that. You dont want to get married knowing that you never told him, but he told you... if you do get married.
- 7/9/2009 4:27 PM
- aiinos@xanga (message)
- reply
Ok so you're asking why you don't feel guilty that YOU cheated on HIM and you don't even know for sure that he is cheating. Maybe it's because you're a cold hearted bitch. So what if he doesn't have sex with you. Get the fuck over it.
Seriously
- 7/9/2009 4:28 PM
- Dustin_wind@xanga (message)
- reply
seems to me you need to figure out what is important to you. Is being with him important or is being "serviced". Seems to me that there is a larger issue and you both aren't looking at it. Neither of you want out because it is convenient....AND now there is a kid involved. For the kid's sake figure this out so your child can have the best parents and not "serviced" parents. Your child needs good rolemodles and not some that are just going through the motions. I love my children's father but that doesn't mean that we should be together. I love him and want what is best for him (as well as my kids) and if that means living seperately then we will do that (and are).

I hope you can figure this out. For everyones sakes.
- 7/9/2009 4:32 PM
- alterEGGO@xanga (message)
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Two wrongs don't make a right.You don't even know for sure if he cheated on you. You should have comfronted him before you done anything silly. I can't understand why you don't feel guilty to be honest. Come clean with your boyfriend, find out the truth from him aswell, maybe even talk about how you want to spice things up in the bedroom, communication is important, he's not going to know you have a problem with it if you don't tell him. Good luck.
- 7/9/2009 4:36 PM
- StargazingSuzie@xanga (message)
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@Dustin_wind@xanga - That was needlessly harsh and judgmental.
My advice, tell him your suspicions and everything you just said here. You need to find out if he loves you, and if he does you need to stress the importance of sex, if he doesn't respect that, then you should cheat, quite honestly.
If sex is important to you, you should get it, however, it seems like he doesn't really care that much about it, at least as far as you're concerned.
- 7/9/2009 4:34 PM
- EarthsAzureLight@xanga (message)
- reply
You don't feel guilty because you think he's cheated. Plus you've held out for quite some time. Therefore, you probably feel you've paid some type of debt.
You are both wrong and need counseling or just call it quits.
Good Luck.
- 7/9/2009 4:34 PM
- Luvlystarr@xanga (message)
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"He drove me to cheat." So it's HIS fault your a lying, cheating, unfaithful bitch? There's this little thing called communication; maybe you've heard of it. Next step is to try to employ it.Maybe there's a reason he doesn't want to have sex with you, and maybe you should attempt to find out what it is. I don't see how you could want to marry this guy when 1. you "think" he's (probably) cheated on you; 2. you've cheated on him; and 3. you BLAME him for your faults as a girlfriend/mother of his child.
Secondly...You think you're "even" on the cheating score? Screw that. Instead of running from the problem and making it worse, you should have addressed the issue. Just because your friends tell you he's cheating doesn't mean he is. I could tell you he has two buttholes; would you believe that??
You seriously do need to fix this "kink" in your relationship. You guys have issues. Trust issues, communication issues. Were you snooping through his stuff, too? Perhaps there are privacy issues as well. Deal with it, and stop whining about being a remorseless idiot.
- 7/9/2009 4:34 PM
- Kyren_SkyRyder@xanga (message)
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have you looked into couples counseling? Maybe it would help if a third party were involved, nonsexually.
- 7/9/2009 4:35 PM
- goofball4@xanga (message)
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Wow people are being needlessly judgmental and just rude.
Walk in the shoes, then come back and start throwing stones in glass houses.
- 7/9/2009 4:47 PM
- EarthsAzureLight@xanga (message)
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@Kyren_SkyRyder@xanga - as harsh as that was, it's the truth.

"He drove me to cheat" is the biggest line of b.s. I've ever heard. You're never going to make it as a married couple if you can't at least communicate your concerns with your own boyfriend and father of your child. And how can you NOT feel guilty? See, this is what happens when people make assumptions and don't bother getting the truth.
"If he's cheated, now I've cheated, we are even. I think?" Seriously?! How old are you?!Since when does cheating on your SO when you don't even know if he's cheated, make you guys even? Cheating on him shouldn't have even been an option if he actually had cheated on you. That's one of the most immature things ever. Because if he didn't cheat on you... you just created the problem right there... and that's on YOU. Not HIM. I'm sorry, but you two getting married doesn't sound like the brightest idea. Does communication not matter in relationships anymore or something?
- 7/9/2009 4:49 PM
- just_takeitback@xanga (message)
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I would like to say though, you shouldn't have cheated on him, you really should have just asked if he was cheating and then confront what the real issue is with his lack of libido (and you still should)
- 7/9/2009 4:49 PM
- EarthsAzureLight@xanga (message)
- reply
Honestly, i could be rude and call you a bitch; but that's quite judgemental, but i say until you had proof that he ever cheated on, you shouldn't assume. It makes you and him look like a ass. Anyhow, there is a bigger issue, if it was really important..then you should of talked to him about it seriously. I mean i'm not getting sex now, but should i blame him and say that is his fault? I think you need to seriously look at yourself and your relationship. You say you love him, but is that really true? Why would you cheat? Is that even a excuse? I think not. Remember excuses will not save you when he finds out. Find out what is important to you, or just dump him. Because it seems pleasure of the flesh is all you seem to care about. Some couples hardly have sex, and love is not about it, sex is just a bit part of it. Love is care, devotion and patience with the other person. and more than anything, honesty, and are you doing that here? I don't think so, and you say he caused it but it WAS you that cheated on him. I believe that you have free will and know exactly what you are doing.
Your excuses don't hold up much..and until you figure out what is more important, the relationship you have..or being "serviced" you'll never feel satisified.
I mean it seems you are conflicted so much and need to fix it or end the relationship, because you can't have your cake and eat you too. Find out what's more important, and communicate with your partner instead of lying blame on him when it's clearly you're fault. He may be responsible indirectly but hell, you made the decision..
and if it falls apart, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Honestly, I don't really need sex all that much even though i want, i'm quite happy and loyal to my one man. I know what i have and cherish it, and won't ever ever threaten it with some "sex", love to me is important, and it should be too..though i don't believe that you know exactly what love is. Because, it seems you were looking for an excuse..
anyhow..
that's my thoughts. I'm sorry if i am judgemental in any way. I try not to be, but i also try to be real.
- 7/9/2009 4:59 PM
- Hinase@xanga (message)
- reply
well, i don't think you should think of it as getting even. =/ whether or not you feel guilty, if you want this relationship to work, you have to be open and honest about the events that have transpired. that way you can both work to get past it, if that is still the course you two decide to take. good luck!
- 7/9/2009 5:03 PM
- MissPixieGlitter@xanga (message)
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I suppose this depends on how you define sex in your relationship. Note that this should be communicated to your partner.
I view sex as something I will do to show that I love that person. It's something that I will do to say that "I wanna be as close to you as I can get." So for me, sex is an act of intimacy and therefore, I'll only share it with the one I want to be intimate with--the one I love. This is my definition of sex.
You might have your own definition of it. And I'm not saying mine is correct and yours isn't. To each his own. I'm expecting you to respect mine; I'm respecting yours.
But hmm, I think you should at the very least, tell your partner about this? Or have you? You should talk about this problem. If you have, and you reached a dead end, I'd suggest you seek counselling. Good luck.
- 7/9/2009 5:05 PM
- Drizzles@xanga (message)
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The problem is between you and your boyfriend, not the person you're cheating with nor the person he MIGHT be cheating on you with. Talk to your boyfriend, ask him what he wants of you. Ask him if he wants to be with you and this might break you guys up or bring you two together and stronger.
- 7/9/2009 5:05 PM
- GaMeGurLsH@xanga (message)
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I think you guys should have a really long talk and figure things out.
Otherwise, you probably shouldn't get married... ever.
- 7/9/2009 5:07 PM
- storiesandsinker@xanga (message)
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Some people just don't have high sex drives. Your libidos may not be compatible, but that's no excuse to cheat. I recommend going to therapy together and figure things out with an impartial third party... because of course your friends are going to back you up and make him seem like the devil.
- 7/9/2009 5:11 PM
- methodElevated@xanga (message)
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Oh, I just read through some of the comments and realized I kind of repeated what others said. I guess that means it's a pretty good idea.
- 7/9/2009 5:13 PM
- methodElevated@xanga (message)
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Sounds like sex is more important to you then a long and fulfilling relationship.
It also seems to me that you're using him and probably sponging off him too.
I suggest you guys either go to counselling, or start communicating, or you find someone else who can meet all your needs.
Whatever the reason, there is no justification for cheating.
None.
Whatsoever.
The fact that you don't even feel guilty suggests that you're kidding yourself if you have feelings for him in the first place.
- 7/9/2009 5:16 PM
- cmdr_keen@xanga (message)
- reply
You dont feel gulity...thats bad. A person in love doesnt want to hurt anyone that they love, i just...i dont know i just couldnt do it. Ive been in lust and now love with my boyfriend for 6 months, and the thought of cheating or even hurting him in the slightest is just a horrible feeling in my gut. I dont think you love your Boyfriend anymore, but logically you have a child and been together 5 years, and now you want to get married. Subconsciously, you dont want to throw 5 years of work and everything away. You cheated and there is no way back from that...my opinion you tell him and think really think of how you feel cause you dont wanna get it wrong.
Hope it goes well.
- 7/9/2009 5:16 PM
- samm_ii_am@xanga (message)
- reply
@EarthsAzureLight@xanga - She's cheated. She isn't sure if he has. And she's accusing him of being the cheater. That's to me makes her seem cold hearted and like she's a bitch. If I need to be harsh about things I will be, because she isn't getting the point, and seems to not understand the meaning of communication. So she just goes off and fucks someone else....multiple times it seems.
Society has given everyone the idea that it's always the guy that cheats. Well thats complete crap.
- 7/9/2009 5:38 PM
- Dustin_wind@xanga (message)
- reply
not feeling guilty about cheating is pretty bad, which makes me think that you really don't love your boyfriend like you say you do.
even if he did cheat, it still doesn't make it right or "fair"
- 7/9/2009 5:38 PM
- givemecoke@xanga (message)
- reply
There are many great thoughts already written. Please review your feelings "He drove me to cheat." He drove nothing - it was your choice. "I cheated, he cheated - it's all fair." If there is a possibility that he did cheat - is it fair that he was looking for something outside your relationship? Do you think perhaps your resentment about the the lack of a sexual relationship you share with your man may block those guilty feelings? There is always room for resentment, room for expectations and room for communication with amendments. Sort your feelings. Get the communication started. Start making apologies where apologies are needed.
- 7/9/2009 5:38 PM
- OffceGoddess@xanga (message)
- reply
you are a terrible person. :|
I don't mean to be rude,
but don't you think having sex with someone else to get even is wrong?
you should probably confront your boyfriend about this?

Me personally, I think that if you cheat, it is unforgivable.
If your boyfriend wasn't cheating in the first place, and you were...
I hope he dumps your ass, because thats a terrible thing to do to someone you "love". :/

It really does sound like sex is more important to you rather then having a meaningful relationship.

Might as well just become a hooker ? :|
- 7/9/2009 5:49 PM
- julianne_elise@xanga (message)
- reply
If the sex is the problem and he won't bend, then dump him. You can't keep cheating on him to get your needs fulfilled, that's just wrong. And especially don't plan to marry him if you can't get over it, because a divorce is a lot harder to deal with than just ending it with no legal bindings.
- 7/9/2009 6:06 PM
- justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga (message)
- reply