Thursday, 09 July 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Am I Being Paranoid?
I don't mean to sound like an insecure, jealous, and possessive girlfriend, but I really need to know if I'm being paranoid or not.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months. We have just graduated high school and will be starting college away from each other in two months. So far, I am very happy with our relationship.
But here's the damper in my happy story: my boyfriend only has a few best friends; they are all boys, except for one. Don't get me wrong though. This girl is amazingly sweet and intelligent. She's cute and kind and really an all-around good person. She's been supportive and caring and has helped my boyfriend through a lot of things and has never given any slightest indication of jealousy and resentment towards me nor has she displayed any signs of romantic notions towards my boyfriend. She even wrote, "Thanks for being so sweet! Best of luck for you and -----. Good luck with all your future endeavors!"
Great girl, right? Well in a few weeks, my boyfriend and his parents will be going on vacation. She's going with them.
They will be staying in a room together, while his parents stay next door. Is this wrong, or am I being distrustful? Should I be suspicious?
They've been really close friends since the 7th grade and everyone says that in all that time, the two of them have never dated. My boyfriend assured me that they were only friends and have known each other much too long to look at each other in that lens.
Am I being paranoid and distrustful? I don't want my boyfriend to feel like he has to choose between us. But what scares me even more is that he would choose her over me any day. So readers, please help me to understand the situation in a new light or to be more careful in scrutinizing the true meaning of their "platonic" relationship.
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Comments (60)
Don't make him choose then.
that type of friendshi is like a brother sister thing just be mindfull
Seems fine to me...if there is no indication of anything going on, you're just going to have to trust your boyfriend. If he calls you on his vacation - all the better.
Well, not to burst your bubble but Im pretty sure he WOULD choose her over you because one) you've not dated THAT long yet and 2) They've known eachother for quite some time.. theyre practically brother/sister.
If they have never dated, if shes never shown jealousy, if they dont see each other through that lens... then why worry? relax... and talk it out with him.
They're gonna do it.
I'm a jealous person. But I'm not crazy jealous where I yell at someone because I am jealous. Jealously just hits me and it doesn't leave until I know there's nothing going on. So you're not paranoid you're just protective and a jealous person. I would be extremely jealous if I were you. But I would also trust my boyfriend.
Just text him every 5 minutes so you know it will be ok ;]
I can see why you would be a bit worried about that. But if he hasn't given you anything to worry about, then you shouldn't worry. Just call him before you sleep to tell him good night (so that he can hear your voice) and give him little sweet texts if you feel that you miss him.
If he does choose his best friend over you, then you're better off without him.
omg I am going through exactly what you are. my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. I just graduated high school and he has this one best girl friend. I just get weird whenever they hang out alone together. I know exactly where you're coming from. if my boyfriend was was going on vacation with her I would secretly be hurt and angry. I try not to feel jealous but I just can't help it. I sometimes feel like I'm his second girlfriend and he always has to choose between me and her. she even has a boyfriend but she treats my boyfriend like hes her boyfriend too. ugh!
but honestly you are not paranoid or distrustful one bit. if you love him you are going to feel alittle weird toward this situation. but they honestly wont do anything if they've been friends since 7th grade and never dated. they're practically brother and sister. don't worry and while hes away try to find something to preoccupy yourself or spend more time with your friends. everything will turn out fine.
good luck!
I don't think you have anything to worry about. It will only put a distance between the two of you if you continue to be jealous, you need to let it go. Trust him and his best friend. If you two were meant to be together, you will be.
@ViciousGrin63@xanga - Okay seriously? You're not helping.
Ok I don't want to be a damper on this but....
1. why the hell is she going?
2. Why are you not going?
3. And am I the only one who feels that sharing a hotel room... is wrong? especially when the guy is in a relationship
Friend or not... you should know when to show respect for your lover/gf/bf/so....
That would not be happening in my relationship... and it wouldn't even be brought up that is an automatic hell no to both of us...
Ex. Yes, I am taken and I am going to stay in a hotel room with my male bestfriend?
Yea cause thats cool you know...
Double bed? Lets hope so.
Then again me and my bf have been together for four years... not a measly four months and we live together... we are serious.... so there is a difference.
If you want to be in a serious relationship... then work towards it...
If it is just a fling then chill out.
the parents are there... makes it less suspicious. i mean, if it was just the two of them going, that's mad sketch. so yeah, like some others asked, they're not sharing a bed are they?
also, 7th grade to 12th grade isn't exactly a long time. why is she going? is she super close to his family?
Try not to worry about it.... but yeah, they have not dated before. I have a great guy friend like that, but I could never ever ever see him as anything more than a "brother" to me. Well, he now has a girlfriend so no one would ever think something strange. But you are not paranoid... it's actually pretty natural to feel that way, especially if they're in the same ROOM for that matter. I would be worried too. But.. just talk to him about it,not like "DONT DO IT!!" kind of talk, but a talk where he will understand your insecurities, and hopefully, try not to do things like that as much. But you can do it :D
@emmaleaaa@xanga -
I have a few best guy friends when I was dating my husband and I have never dated them or see them in that kind of way but you never know. All you can do now is trust him until he or she give you a reason otherwise. I just find it weird how she is going on a family vacation with his family and sleeping in the same room as him even if they are besties.
Were you even asked to go with him? I mean its fine if your not able to go, he shouldn't have to go by himself because he has a girlfriend. If he never asked you to go, I would be worried, but not about them, about you two.
My best friend is a guy and my boyfriend shows jealousy towards us all the time. Like if we're hanging out just the two of us and he calls me he acts all pissed off. Like im gunna answer the phone right!
Honestly, you dont have a choice. If something happens for him to loose your trust, then it happens. But honestly dont act like a jealous bitch because he will hate you for that. You dont come between friends, especially if you haven't been seeing each other for that long.
I know its not fair to you if he does something, but its just a sign that you shouldn't be together anyways.
Good luck, I hope for your sake everything turns out okay!
I know it's easier to hate the fact she's going but she might be close to his family and they are probably in that "sibling" level than a "romantic" level--as you've noticed--so don't get paranoid.
if he's been friends with her for years and you've been only around for 4 months, you being insecure about this will prob frustrate him. don't give him reasons for that, just chill out and wish them a good trip.
http://brittbritt--x.xanga.com/701771804/youre-jealous-of-me-get-out-of-my-house/
I wrote this about my best friends jealous girlfriend. You may want to read, as the situation really pissed me off and I ended up hateing her. Don't put yourself in that position.
I have a female best friend just like your bf does. I'm not gonna lie, she's freakin' gorgeous... but she's like my sister and nothing would ever happen between us, single or not. Even when she comes in town to visit (she went away for college and moved to florida after) she usually stays with me and sleeps in my bed with me. The bottom line is if you trust him then don't worry about it cuz nothing is gonna happen, and if you don't trust him then you shouldn't be with him anyway. Ask yourself this, how are you gonna feel once he gets to college and meets new female friends who he hasn't known since 7th grade? If you're this paranoit now, I'm willing to bet that the first time you ask what he's doing that night and he says ''hanging out with Rachel'' (or whatever new girl he meets), you're gonna freak out worse than you are now.
And one small piece of advice for you while he's gone... DON'T call him every night before you go to sleep, and DON'T send him texts all day long to say you miss him. One text a day asking if he's having fun or telling him to have a great day is enough. If he wants to have a conversation he'll keep texting you back or he'll call you. If he wants to call you before he goes to bed he will, but he will get very annoyed if you call him every nigh to say goodnight and he has to stop whatever he's doing to talk to you. Let him have fun and you try to do the same while he's gone.
There is such a thing as pure friendship between a male and a female... There is also such thing as alcohol... And if you make up something like this: 2 straight opposite sex friends+booze+the same room+loss of inhibitions = ???
Maybe the answer will be "sleeping like 2 babies in different beds fully clothed". Maybe...
PS. Yeah, I am not helping. I know ><
I've got a male friend and I know my boyfriend gets a little jealous and paranoid sometimes and he lets me know how he feels about something but he knows that me and my male friend is more like a brother and sister relationship which means it would seem wrong to do anything thats a little more than friendly. Trust him and don't worry about it and while he's away don't be too clingy but call or text now n again. good luck.
I'm so glad I do not have this type of problem. I mean me and my husband ( we've been together for 7 years) we both have platonic friends that we've know before we knew each other ( like we've known our friends both for almost 10 ten years). However like you, it would drive me crazy to know that he would spend the night with his friend. But I know that if he ever asked me to chose between him and my friend. That I love him more then anything or anyone else on this earth and I would chose him. Can't his parents agree to this... why can't the girls stay in one room and they boys stay in the other. I mean I know it's more then likely not going to happen, but it's a thought. Though I do agree with aiinos, that yall haven't been together that long for you have be worrying about this, giving that fact that you said he'd chose her over you, that's the only thing that would drive me crazy. But then again I'm a hopeless romantic. Anyways lets hope for the best and he does call you everyday. Good luck!
Talk to him about it, is the only advice I can give.
I feel like for close friends of the opposite sex, there is a hint of attraction there that could possibly or possibly not come out in the future. Think about your relationships with any close guy friends. Are there some guys that you feel like there is something possibly there? My boyfriend has a couple close girl friends that he's known for awhile. Once he had people over and I was back home. He was a little drunk/horny and wrote that he felt very attracted to his close girl friend and he wanted to have sex with her (how I found out is a different story). When I asked about it, he said he doesn't see her in the way but that it was a moment of weakness. Even though I know it's true--he doesn't see her anything more than a friend--I know there will always be that attraction there because she's a girl and he's a guy.
I would totally be jealous but I'd try really hard to trust him and give him space and basically play it cool. No matter what happens in the end, it shows that he either cares about you or not and you'll learn and get over it, be stronger in the future.
one time, my best friend erik's girlfriend broke up with him because she got jealous of me, since i went to go see a movie with him, instead of her going. I feel like i stop my best friend from getting a lot of girls, which makes me really sad. But friends are just friends. don't be worried.
I would be jealous. but only time could tell.