Earlier today my boyfriend and I were talking about the future of our relationship. Even though he's in the air force and he plans on being in for several years to come, we both see marriage down the road and love each other too unconditionally for that not to happen.
However, there has been a question eating at my mind every time we talk about this subject: Is he going to ask my father's permission before he pops the question to me?
Growing up in a religious household and being fairly religious myself, my father's approval means a lot to me. After all, he is my dad. He's protected me and supported me and done everything he possibly can to make sure that I have every opportunity that the world has to offer me. And this isn't just a religious belief, either. It's my own personal decision. I've been good at separating what I feel is right and what isn't through personal choice and not through what I'm supposed to believe through church. But regardless, it's important to me that whoever my future husband be at least go to my dad before he comes to me. He deserves that respect.
But what shocked me though was that my boyfriend feels the same and was going to go to my father regardless if I had asked him to or not.
He's not the most traditional and definitely less religious than I am, especially with being in the military. It was a nice surprise, and I just love him more because of it.
After letting this all soak in, though, I really began thinking. Maybe even though this world is always changing and walking down a less traditional pathway, we still have very traditional values on certain things.
I guess what I'm getting at is what do you think about this particular step? Do you feel it necessary that your SO go to your father figure before he ask you? I'm curious to see.
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Comments (107)
Yes, it is very important to me that my boyfriend asks my father his permission before asking me to marry him.
I happen to really love the idea of my boyfriend asking my father before proposing to me. I know it's traditional, and some would say EXTREMELY old-fashioned (in fact, I would have said that about 6 years ago), but it's a tradition I find to be very endearing. If it's important to you, by all means, go for it. I don't think it's necessary for marriage, but I'd feel as if a step was skipped if my boyfriend didn't ask my dad.
I wouldn't marry a guy who didn't have a respect to ask my dad first. Luckily my husband did...:) My dad was VERY touched and very impressed. He already loved Philip but that pretty much sealed the deal. I'm my dad's only daughter and I'm his little princess. It was important to us both that my husband take that step.
Plus, I think it's very sweet and romantic!
I don't really have a close relationship with my father, I would rather my SO ask my mother when that time comes. But that won't be years from now.
My husband asked permission of my parents first, and then my grandpa. He was nervous as hell about it, but he did it. It was really special for my grandpa. I'm his oldest (and favorite) granddaughter, and it meant a great deal that my husband would ask him. I think it meant more to my grandpa than it did to my dad!
But yes, I think it's a good tradition. Some people say it's outdated or whatever, but I think it's respectful, and starts things off on the right foot.:)
My two cents;)
-Katie
meh everyone is agreeing .... is this really that important to so many people? idk i cant imagine my bf ever doing that, also idk that i'd want him to, my opinion is often very different from either of my parents. well anyway not that we're planning marriage anytime soon. but still. yikes
Personally, I might actually be offended if my future husband asked anyone but me for their "permission" to marry me. It is my decision, and mine alone. However, I also haven't had a dad for over ten years and, though I've gotten lots of support from my mom and grandparents, have kind of had to fend for myself. Perhaps if I had someone who I felt did protect and support me more, I would want them to be asked. I can't know.
I think first I would ask my girlfriend, and then her parents. It is ultimately her decision, but I'm old fashioned enough to make that part of the process.
I think it's a little antiquated, honestly. I'd certainly be touched if he did, but I'm not just going to say "no" or anything because he didn't. Frankly, I think it'd be more fun to go to my parents together, ring on hand, and tell them together that we're getting married.
I could care less what her parents think
I honestly don't care. I don't have a dad, so my future SO wouldn't really have to ask him, but I do think it is important that my future SO get along with my family =)
i think that tradition is a cool one to have around and it shows that your bf knows more about you than i think you relize.
i am courious about the line "He's not the most traditional and definitely less religious than I am, especially with being in the military." what does being less religious and being in the military mean? or even being traditional and being in the military. i know of many who are both that way and are in or have been in the military. that line just struck me as being odd.
Far more interesting is whether everyone here thinks the guy should ask the father before dating the girl. I personally wouldn't even think about proposing to a girl without at least getting the father's input and (if possible) approval simply because I might have to interact with the man and it would make the family easier to get along with.
My fiancee is in a blended family, so I asked her Dad, her Gma and her Mum before I popped the question.
Her step-dad was a little upset I didn't ask him, but he wasn't around when I asked her Mum, otherwise I would have done.
Plus, they're really not that close despite having grown-up more-or-less together.
It's a respect thing, and I'm also very traditional: I was going to regardless of whether Liz wanted me to or not.
The asking permission thing actually really bothers me, and I can't exactly verbalize why. I have many friends who expect the boyfriend to seek for her hand in marriage through her dad, and even my mom thinks it's very respectable. I just... I don't know. I don't care for it.
I don't know if it's because, in my mind, it's MY decision, it's MY life...and my parents should not have the say in whether he asks me or not - because, first of all, I would never seriously date someone my parents were unhappy with. And if I was ever in a serious enough relationship where that was a possibility, I'm sure my parents and I would have discussed it long before he would actually propose. I don't think I would want my parents to know before ME, either. I would want my man to want to be with me, and try everything he could to make that happen if he truly loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, and my parents should not stop him.
Even after I say that, I'm still not verbalizing it the way I really mean it. I just... I really don't think I'd be okay with it.
That's cute how that worked out. With my dysfunctional family [and I'm guessing many others], the parents disapprove of the bf/gf and then it leads to a big argument in which the bf/gf split up or they stay together and the parents have to accept it begrudgingly. That's why I don't say ANYTHING to my parents if I'm dating someone [I'm already not allowed to until "after medical school"], and I'm not going to unless I am going to marry that person.
My husband didn't ask my dad if he could marry me or for his approval. He asked me and I was the one telling my parents after he proposed. The idea would be sweet and considerate but after all, at the end, it's really your decision and if matter all that much to you (general speaking), you should give your bf (now or in the near future) a heads up.
I don't think I would like my boyfriend to do that, seeing as my mom would probably convince my dad to say no. *rolls eyes*. If it was my dad alone, then sure. He'd just smile, then say sure.
It's not a big deal for me. I never really saw the point. I'd rather him just ask me, and not care what my parents say. It is not my parents decision, it is ours'.
It is not something I demand but it would certainly mean a lot to me if my boyfriend were to ask my fathers permission.I'm not an overly traditional person by any stretch, and we are not looking at marraige any time soon but right now my Dad is, not very happy with my relationship, it would mean So much to me to know that my boyfriend had my Fathers approval to marry me. Granted if he were to say no it would not stop me from marrying the man I Love.
I don't see the correlation between being less religious and being in the military. My ex-atheist friend joined the Air Force and converted to Christianity in a year or two. Besides, isn't there that saying, "There are no atheists in foxholes"?
But anyway. It's cool that you and your boyfriend share the same belief about this. I wouldn't care either way and I would certainly not expect it, seeing that my father usually lives halfway across the globe and keeps changing his number and email address.
I don't think it is too important, but I know my dad would appreciate something like that.
why not your mother? does her approval matter less?
if a guy asked my parents, i would appreciate it.
I am very traditional when it comes to that topic.
My boyfriend knows that my wish is for him AND his parents to meet with my parents and ask for my hand in marriage. Our parents both know we are dating and quite serious about each other. Wedding bells are in the future....when is the question.
It would mean a great lot when he does it and I'm sure he'll have no problem with it either. We interact with each other's parents and family quite regularly....my mom already calls my bf her son. :)
I think when relations between the daughter and her father are good and it is clear that the father approves of the potential marriage, it can be a nice, respectful touch. While it is entirely the decision of the couple, and it is not necessary, a marriage is also a family affair and the family, if possible, ought to be treated with respect. You never can quite escape the in-laws.
My now-husband asked my parents (not just my dad- smart!) for permission totally unbeknownst to me a few days before he proposed. The fact that he asked made them like him all the more. Usually, I think it is a really smart move on the guy's part.
Yes. YES. YESSSS.