I've always been a one-man kinda woman. My first relationship lasted six years and the one after that lasted another year. I never minded being "so-and-so's girlfriend" or doing things as a couple. In fact, I liked it. A lot.
But now I've got myself in a pretty sticky situation: I'm a girlfriend and I definitely DON'T want to be.
How do I know this for sure?
Because I did the unthinkable - something I never did in all my seven years as a girlfriend. I cheated on my new boy.
But first, let me explain the situation.
I had been off-and-on with a guy (someone I'd been friends with throughout the seven years; I was always someone else's girl) for the past year. Things never really got serious because he lived a little too far away and although we connected physically, I still felt mostly "friendly" feelings toward him emotionally.
Until about two months ago when things really started to heat up for us. I moved to my parent's house for the summer and so, since we were a lot closer in proximity, we hung out a lot more often. He started to call me his "girlfriend" and I started to really feel myself falling for him - even though I knew that realistically, because of some extraneous circumstances, it probably couldn't work long-term.
Nevertheless, I felt myself falling for him really hard. But, as I'm usually a fairly logical person, I listened to my head over my heart and broke it off with him. In hindsight, I realize that I was just terrified to fall in love again. He took it in stride and left me alone for a few weeks. And, conveniently enough, new boy toy stepped onto the platform of my life at the same time and (probably because I was hurting) filled the hole I felt in my heart.
Fast forward to this weekend.
...I've been official with the new guy for about three weeks. But every time I'm with him, I imagine guy #1. I know my heart already belongs to someone else. So when that someone else started to call and text me again - asking if we could talk - I decided to listen to my heart.
Needless to say, our "conversation" went a little too far and we ended up sleeping together.
But what's worse is that I don't really feel guilty. I feel like now I know what I want - and even though my head tells me it probably isn't the best idea - I don't really care anymore. He asked me to be with him again and although I couldn't officially say yes, I know I want to.
Problem is, I don't know what to do about guy #2. He's absolutely crazy about me (perhaps a little too much so) and I don't want to hurt him. But I feel like I need to do what's right for me.
So I'm turning to you wise Datingish readers - how do I go about handling this situation?
Comments (67)
i think you need to figure out why you're so afraid of being on your own before you even think about which (if either) of these guys to be with. if you have to bounce from relationship to relationship, there's a problem with you and not with the guys at hand. i mean, you more or less admitted that guy #2 was a rebound.
that being said, i've been in sort of a similar situation (except i didn't cheat, and he wouldn't have asked me to). i broke up with a guy because i was not ready for a serious relationship and/or true love at such a young age and i was scared. from there i made the ultra smart decision to engage in a two year rebound with a total loser. when i came to my senses, i broke up with said loser and the first boyfriend and i started hanging out again. but i knew it was dangerous for me just to hop back into a relationship immediately (although he would have been willing, haha), so i told him right away that i needed a break from dating (he, unfortunately, took this as an indication that i wasn't interested in dating him at all, and so we continued to rebuild our friendship over the next year in a completely unromantic sense while he ended up pursuing another girl and dating her for a short period of time). long story *almost* short, we did end up back together after all and now we're married, happily ever after, etc. the point is that if "guy #1" is "the one" or whatever, he'll still be the one when you're ready to be with someone again. so take some time off and get to know yourself. that way you'll actually have something to give to a potential relationship.
that comment was a lot longer than i anticipated. oh well.
:)
Everyone cheats once, whether it's emotional cheating or physical cheating.
More like, we shouldn't tell you what to do, but you should handle your own business since you caused it. Xangans opinions should not influence your decision that you're going to make to those two guys.
I can't help you in this situation 'cause I helped cheaters a way too many times.
Suck it up is all I can say.
Which guy do you see yourself with in the future? Go with that one, and from the sound of it, it is the one you cheated with, not on.
I do understand the not feeling guilty. I cheated on my guy of 3 years and for the longest time, I didn't feel any guilt. But now things with my bf are going much better, now I am starting to feel guilty. I am actually trying to be really careful with the "other" guy and keeping things much more "friends" only. It's a bit tough cause for some bizarre reason, I have strong physical feelings towards the "other" guy, something i have never experienced before. I don't generally like kissing, anyone. But with the "other" guy, it is great! But it has to stop. I can't cheat on my bf, I can't lose him. But it is a lot easier said than done!
My bf does know that I have hung out with the "other" guy and all. I always told him where we were and all...just not any details about what really happened.
I think it's obvious that you break up with your boyfriend. At least you haven't been dating him for too long, and he obviously deserves a girl who's as crazy about him as he is about her (he also deserves a girl who doesn't cheat less than a month into the relationship >.<).
I don't think it'd be best to tell the boyfriend that you cheated on him, but I think it would be respectful to at least let him know that you're sorry that you didn't realize you still had feelings for another guy.
Hahaha! Congratulations on fucking up big time. Anyway, now that you've done it, I think your first poster here hit it EXACTLY on the head.
You break up with and hurt the "you listened to your head" guy, because you've fucked it up with him forever as it is, and the more honest you are and the quicker you are, the better,
And then you continue your whatever with "you listened to your heart" guy.
Oh, and not like I need to say this, but people with your low level of self-knowledge, should KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. Yeah thanks.
Why does everyone always think telling the truth helps? It doesn't... The truth fucking hurts sometimes... If I was in your position.. I would tell guy number 2 that I wasn't that interested in him. That I couldn't connect with him how I wish I could. Because, when people get cheated on, they think they did something wrong.. They start to believe something is wrong with them.. When really, it was just that cheaters way of saying, "I'm not that interested.." Haha, so instead of telling this dude that you've been kissing/in a relationship with "Hey, this other dude fucked me..." Just break it off, and let things settle.... If you want to be in a relationship with guy number 1, then do it... Be completely honest with him. Just start over.
Hi there, I don't know much about love and I'm not good at giving advice, but this is my opinion....
You are making mistake when you're dating your current boyfriend, it seems as if it was a rebounce, that is why there is no feeling and whenever you're with your current boyfriend, you're thinking about your first one. And then you're making another mistake by cheating with your current one because you might have lost control. But since things are already been done, you should do something to solve the problem.
You should really question yourself if you actually have any feelings for any of them. It's obvious you should do something about your current relationship because you're hiding a horrible fact from him, he's crazy about you but once he found out, it's going to be really hurt for the guy and even though he's willing to forgive you and give you another chance, there wouldn't be any trust or love involve in the relationship. You should really end this mess as soon as possible, by telling him you are truly sorry but you can't be in this relationship anymore.
As for your first one, you should give yourself and that guy some times to think between you two. You should really question yourself carefully - whether you really love him or not, whether you two would be compatible together, long term relationship and such... This way, you won't feel so much guilty about what you did and you two can still be good friend even if you choose not to be with him later on.
well depends on what u want girl...:) U decide...
You silly person.
You obviously love guy #1 more. Just leave guy #2 and get back with guy #1. Yes, you might hurt that guy you're currently with, but you don't love him... you shouldn't stay with someone that you aren't in love with.
dang, that sucks. It would seem that you are more interested in guy #1. Well, whichever decision you make, I hope things work out for you!
PS: You're not a slut. Both people in a relationship are responsible for one person cheating, at least to some extent. : /
Break it off with the "boy toy." For one, your hurting him worse now if he likes you more than you like him (obviously), so it's best to just do a clean break, I would think. Just be like "my hearts not in this. I jumped in too fast and I realize that now, and I'm sorry." And break things off with him. Don't try to hang out with him either, I would advise. Especially if he still has feelings for you.
This should be a no brainer. You're going to hurt him worse if you stay with him while you're cheating on him with the other guy. So, end things now before it gets worse. Sorry. :/ No easy way to do it now. You've got yourself in a pickle. Now, get yourself out. Don't drag the relationship on. It hurts more that way.
<3, ~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
@C_UNIT42@xanga - I fuck sluts.
you break up with the guy you're with now, get back with guy #1 or you hurt more ppl, longer. then you realize that there was a reason that guy #1 and you didn't work out, you try to get back with guy#2 but he's moved on, and then you live out the rest of your life.
at least, I Hope that's not how it works out for you.i think its a common thing now to cheat or be cheated on but that doesnt make it right in any way, what you need, is to take some time for yourself to think if getting back with guy #1 is worth it or if its just lust, guy #2 should be set out of the picture because obviously you dont care enough about him to like wanna be with him. Its best if you tell them both what is going on and break it off with guy #2 because the longer you wait to tell him the worst it'll be. Just make sure and think it all through that its wat you want before you break up with guy #2 thats if he doesnt break up with you because there will be no going back he will eventually start to hate you after some time.
If i were you i'd spend some time being single, because it sounds to me like you havent quite figured out what you want just yet, sometimes its nice to listen to your heart but others its best to use ur logic.
-s4nt1
tell him there was someone else before and your just not over them and you want out... you've been dating three weeks its not that big of a deal. same with the cheating... its bad but its not like you've been with this guy years
break it off with guy #2 and be with guy #1. it sounds simple. but i know, its hard to do......
ALWAYS listen to your heart.
Everyone makes mistakes, but it's what you do afterward that will make you or break you.
Obviously guy #1 makes you happy, so start breaking things off with guy #2.
break it off with the 2nd guy and go with the 1st one. if the 1st one makes you happy, then listen to your heart and go with him. if you keep the 2nd guy hanging, it would hurt him even more if you don't break it off with him now.
i feel the same way
Tell your current boyfriend the truth.
You've already hurt him by being with him when you were actually just using him. You noticed it yourself; the huge hole in your heart was filled in by the new boy and if he knew, I think such a revelation would hurt him.
That being said, since the hurting has been done by the very act of you using him to nurse yourself from the pains of an ambiguous heart break, now it's up to you to step it up and be honest with yourself and your new partner. All in all, he's your new bf simply by title. You acknowledge that your heart clearly belongs to someone else and you don't really feel guilty of your cheating actions because you don't really have feelings for your bf in the first place. He has every right to know the WHOLE story. Start from the start; even the part how you are attracted to him physically but emotionally, it's not up to the calibre of his emotional connection to you, and deal with it. There is no way to prevent him from hurting... because there isn't an easy way to break up with someone in any relationship. g'luck
"Fast forward to this weekend. ...I've
been official with the new guy for about three weeks. But every time
I'm with him, I imagine guy #1. I know my heart already belongs to
someone else. So when that someone else started to call and text me
again - asking if we could talk - I decided to listen to my heart."
You should NOT be going out with "the new guy" when you KNOW you care more about "guy #1." Obviously you have much more feelings toward guy #1, and you're messing with and hurting new guy because you have no idea what you're doing. Why are you with the new guy if you know that you really want to be with guy #1?
It was extremely stupid of you to decide to have a "conversation" with guy #1. You should've known it would go too far, especially when you know how much you still care about him. You shouldn't have taken the chance, and you made a horrible mistake. And now you have to live with it.
I have no respect for cheaters. You want to know what to do? Well, you shouldn't have done what you just did. You could've actually used whatever brain power you have and figured out how to handle the situation the correct way, without hurting anyone and without being selfish. I don't know what you can do about it now, but good luck trying to fix it.
By the way, if you didn't want to see any comments like this, you should probably avoid telling people that YOU'RE A CHEATER.
@Schristian@xanga - Seconded!
Yeah. We all need to be a little selfish to be happy, too much selfless giving is bad.