Saturday, 04 July 2009

  • How Pr0n Affected My Relationship


    So as you might have noticed in my blogs I will sometimes mention an "event that occurred recently in my life." To come out and be completely honest, that event was, in short, me finding out my boyfriend would watch porn every day. This included mornings before I'd come to see him. Now, this was probably enlarged by he fact that he would tell me "I haven't touched that in AGES, I don't need it when I have you" -> lie. I know that many couples, males, and females, now embrace and accept porn in their relationships and personal lives, but I would like to share what other effects it could have and what happened to me: 

    My first thoughts were - You lied to me, why did you lie to me? and you were hiding things from me.

    At first I was confused whether to be angry or not. I knew I shouldn't be because it's supposed to be normal but I DID know that lying to me in general was wrong, so I questioned it. He denied it (maybe a bit shameful) and ignored me when I confronted him. It felt as is he had put it before me because within his busy schedule(going to school and work full time) he managed to give time to that when I got 10 minute phone calls and an "I'm tired now" or "I'm busy". I felt unimportant and as if those things were better than I was which led to...

    I saw what you've seen. How can I compete? I'm not your type. Why would you want me?

    I looked through what he looked at and it was typical. Big fake chests, skimpy outfits, tanned skin, long hair, lots of makeup - sexy, slutty women...while he would always tell me he liked the opposite and that was why he liked me, but if this was what got him going then why would he ever find me desirable? Plus I'm up against not one woman, but millions. Again I felt lied to and even worse, as if I wasn't attractive and no one would ever love me because all men seemed to chase the same images. Would he Google search for a girl like me who's plain? So then I realized it was beginning to feel like..

    You aren't loyal and will let me go when you find your ideal; you practically cheated on me or you will cheat on me

    I was both sad and angry. If even though he is with me he could felt that certain way or *ahem* do those certain things to images or videos of someone else what does that mean about all the other women he meets? does he find them attractive too? will he think about them in that way? Even during the argument he said without thinking "well of course some people are more attractive than others but I just don't say it out loud". Even if it does sound like a fantasy I wanted to believe that the one your with is the one you think is better than the rest, that's why you're with them, and that intimacy like that was supposed to be special.  Now I felt as if I was at the bottom but was with him because it was possible. Although he would argue that it was because he wanted me, we soon established that he just wanted "it" in general. Another argument was that he was used to taking out his "sexual frustrations" that way, but now that he was with me what was I doing? Sure we had the emotional connection but then was that all I was useful for? I felt exactly as how someone cheated on would because if you think about it, the situation is the same minus the actual physical contact with another person. His mistress was the internet history he was hiding, you may think I'm crazy but people do call cheating for things much less.

    What did I do wrong; It was my fault; I'll never be good enough

    Finally, I slipped into a depression where all I did was think about how much I hated the media, humanity, and myself. I'd cry looking at myself and question myself as to why I had to look the way I did. I wondered why society was so corrupt as to letting things like this happen to people like me. I hated the men and women who fueled it. I would do nothing all day and refused to let him come near me. I thought about making myself completely invisible or completely exposing myself. I felt as if I had no reason to be there and that I was nothing.

    Further Problems:

    Right when this first happened I went to the trusty internet and did some research on porn and relationships. I did this to see whether me feeling angry or sad was normal or justified before I blew anything out of proportion. What I found was that although it can be okay, other times it can also lead to abuse. A partner may pressure the other to do things they had watched and sex could begin to be disconnected (meaning you feel more like an object). If one is addicted it will also lead to neglect and all the things I mentioned I felt. I realized that I had experienced all these things during my last relationship.

    That was a few months ago. It took a few meetings and a telephone call that went from 9 p.m. - 5 a.m. for me to be "okay" and for him to finally understand how and why I felt the way I did (also influenced by past abusive relationships), plus a few days until he finally was HONESTLY feel bad and sorry. Now, I'm happy again and we function just fine. As usual, I know everything happens for a reason and I think through this he has become more understanding to my feelings and is more attentive and sensitive. For example he'd walk away if something inappropriate on TV or in movies pops up, or would ask me permission to do something if he's unsure if I'll be uncomfortable with it. And I was able to reconstruct myself to maybe even be a more confident person than I was before it happened.

    I'm not saying that porn is a bad thing, people have their different purposes for it (sort of, haha) and different perspectives on it; this is just one that I wanted people to realize exists because not everyone understands. In conclusion, I just hope that for all relationships, both individuals remember to think of one another, communicate, and do your best to keep each other happy. This means understanding each other and their opinions as important, no matter how small you may actually think they are.

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Comments (136)

  • Miss__Indescribable@xanga

    why do people roll their eyes? something like this isn't funny, and it's not something you roll your eyes at and then put it into a comment to make a person feel bad. Not everybody agrees withe same idea of this porn. Some people say its not a big deal, others think its a huge one, and then there are the people who have to be complete jerks and say ur an idoit and ur over reacting. I don't think you did anything wrong, because you didn't. If he wants to look at porn and miss the gorgeous person he's with , then fuck him. It's not right, but i do understand why they do it. But do u think he would be ok if you were to look at porn? prolly not and he might have reacted the same way u did. thinking that he wasn't good enough. But I am happy that u worked it out. cheers fer u [:
  • mlj1981

    Wow. I can't believe he now has to ask
    permission to look at stuff, and he has to "leave the room" if
    something that YOU deem inappropriate comes on. Get a grip. He's a
    grown man, not a child that you have to sensor. If your that insecure and had to fall into a deep depression over something so ridiculous maybe you need to seek professional help.
  • angel_sister@xanga

    Men will always have sexual fantasies as with women. Try to live with it.
  • y_tc@xanga

    you freaking control freak!!!! if you would given him 'it' then he probably won't be looking at porn and would be looking at you, freak!
  • melllyyy@xanga

    whoa you commenters are fuckin harsh. who the fuck are you people to roll your eyes at someone you dont know and the problems she is facing. the woman is depressed, thats how bad she took it on, and she needs to grow up? oh i forgot we are all the same, we have the same emotions, and all have the same perspectives in life. simple minded!!

    anyway

    never feel like you overreacted. what bothers you may not bother another woman. and i agree that women DO make excuses for men. my boyfriend watches porn but seriously thinks of me, even though i know i look nothing like the women in the videos, he always makes me feel as if im the most attractive woman to him. hence instead of banning your bf completely, he can just put in that little extra to make you feel better about yourself, and of course being open with you about it.

    i'd like to close with a message to some arrogant fools on top:
    men dont NEED porn. neither should women put restrictions on them about it. its all about compromise and respect. some women are okay with it, fine. but for the MILLIONS who arent, dont bash them, they feel the way they do. it isnt about growing up. maybe if you're mature, you'd accept it? wtf? men just gotta work with them to not make them feel low about themselves.
  • melllyyy@xanga

    btw im happy it worked out. instead of being okay with it, and it hurting you on the inside, you found a way to compromise. people might not agree with it, but its working for you. 
  • jarreauquasimedia@xanga

    I'm curious what your bf has to say about you posting these extremely intimate aspects of your relationship online, and how you might feel if he decided to post on his blog (assuming he has one) about some element of your personality or character trait you may not want the whole damn world to know about?

    Of course lying to you about this was wrong of him, but based on your reactions to the whole idea that men or women and porn is inherently deceitful, hurtful and generally destructive to relationships, it's not difficult to see why he may have tried to shield you from something he knew would have you interrogating him in order to have him justify his sexual proclivities to you.

    Like anything else, if it becomes an addiction, porn can be a problem.  If it's something that he has control OVER however, as in it doesn't affect his scholastic career, his job and his ability to maintain a healthy relationship with you, then what's the real problem?  Perhaps it's not with him, but with you.

    Granted porn is not for everyone, and if it truly makes you uncomfortable that he enjoys it and knows that you don't, if he cares for you he should be willing to give it up, but not just because you say so; that would only make him feel as if you are controlling the relationship, which isn't healthy for either of you.

    Human sexuality is a part of our psychology and porn is just one aspect of it, not the whole shebang; fantasy is not reality.
  • xjadersx@xanga

    Wow, people are putting HER down for being upset?


    He lied to her, so she had the right to be upset.


    I think the people who think she's in the wrong need to "grow up". *rolls eyes at all you eye rollers*.

  • PenaltyLife@xanga

    I feel like a lot of men should look at this post and realize that their girlfriends/partners might have problems with them looking at porn, and they should really be open about it, or stop watching it.

    i would be truly devastated if i learned my boyfriend watched porn while in a relationship with me. truly. i don't even know what i would do.

    @Theophilus166@xanga - agreed! i never thought i'd see somebody say this. :]
  • PenaltyLife@xanga

    @melllyyy@xanga - wow you said exactly what i wanted to, but i just woke up so i was completely unable to because of my foggy brain. hahaha

    thanks for standing up for the original poster! she definitely needs some non-judgmental people like you, since this is a very emotional subject for her.
  • MiladyMasked@xanga

    Thanks for posting this.  I've tried before to put into words how I feel about this, but you explained it really well.  I might link this to some of my guy friends, actually.  I know there are a lot of people who are okay with their partner looking at porn, and that's fine for them, but that doesn't mean everyone has to be.  These other commenters putting you down because of the way you feel are jerks who apparently don't realize that not everyone feels (or is obligated to feel) the same way about every issue.  Don't let it get to you; you're not the only one who feels this way.
  • FreeeVerse@xanga

    @Theophilus166@xanga - I like hearing your point of view on this post.
  • Iluvgillian@xanga

    Okay I have a serious problem with this: For example he'd walk away if something inappropriate on TV or in movies pops up, or would ask me permission to do something if he's unsure if I'll be uncomfortable with it. Seriously have you ANY idea what you have done to your bf?  Walk away if something inappropriate is on TV or in movies?  So now he's supposed to cover his eyes and ears if he's out in the cinema watching a movie with you?  This is outrageous.  Fine you've got a point getting mad @ him for lying to you about watching porn but do you have any idea what you've done to him?  Doesn't it seem odd how someone can go from secretly watching porn to TURNING away and WALKING away from such things when they arise in TV and movies?  There are only 2 possible explanations to this: 1.) he's really changed (in a bad way I think) or 2.) he's just putting on a show for you.


    Why can't women deal with the fact that straight men watch straight porn and gay men watch gay porn.  (I know there are exceptions but in general)  The bottom line is MEN WATCH PORN.  The only thing he's done wrong is lie to you but you seriously need to get a grip on your control issues here.  I seriously worry for your bf I don't know how he can change that DRASTICALLY unless you were threatening him with something most likely of you leaving. 


    You are pretty selfish in the fact that you only cared what YOU wanted and now he obeys to your every whim.  Is this the way to solve the problem?  Just because he watches porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doens't want you.  Why don't women wake up and realize this?  Why do people turn to movies? Because it is an ESCAPE from our daily lives.  Why do men turn to porn? Well for the same reasons, coz it is an ESCAPE from our gf/wives etc.  Two people in love doesn't mean they have to spend EVERY second together in order to prove they love each other.  I don't know what else to say other than the fact that you've totally messed your bf up.  I am praying to god that he is putting on a show coz honestly girl your demands are WAY out of line.
  • utopiadeuncuerpoperfecto@xanga

    @MissPixieGlitter@xanga - Agree

    I think all the girls that have said that "porn ruined their relationships"are extremely insecure.
    I used to be like that. When I was 15.

    For me, the fact that my bf watch porn its a relief. We live together and have crazy schedules, we will be terrified if I get pregnant and im going through a depression so we have sex like once or twice a month ( I dont crave it at all :S). I Get really worried about if he isn't satisfied, or if he will cheat on me bc we dont have a lot of sex like we used to. He says that he is perfectly fine with watching porn in case he have the urge (wich is almost every day lol)

  • Iluvgillian@xanga

    and one more thing I'm not putting you down or being a hater in case certain posters here are quick to say I am and I'm not IMPOSING my views on anyone.  If anything it seems you've IMPOSED your ideals onto your bf and honey that is NOT love.  Love is understanding and while you don't like porn or don't understand it, you have forced in unto your bf as well.  This gets me even angrier when I see people defending you saying those who are not in agreement with you are 'judgemental' well I'd like to ask aren't you being quick to judge your bf? You were so quick to judge that his reliance on porn meant he wasn't true to you or he didn't need you etc.  For those who responded by saying those who have opposed the original poster as being judgemental or whatever well all I gotta say is it takes one to know one.  Who are you to say we're judgemental because we opposed a certain view? Just like you guys are being judgemental when you call us 'haters' for not being in agreement with the original poster.  Seriously, the nerve of some of these hypocrites.
  • decembriel@xanga

    I wouldn't roll my eyes at you... I can understand why you would feel that way, initially, about discovering your boyfriend's porn.  I admire you for writing your honest feelings about it.
  • UnopenedSuitcases@xanga

    well at least you kept your communication channel open, instead of just whatevering, you talked to him. glad things worked out :]
  • storiesandsinker@xanga

    Oh my...

    1- He lied to you. Regardless of if we think porn is right or wrong, we all acknowledge that he's a liar. Trust is usually important in a relationship, and if you can't trust him... well, what's the point?

    2- Did you make it very clear to him that you weren't okay with the fact that he watched porn? The way that I see it, watching porn is okay when you're single or when the person you're dating is fine with it. If you're with someone who isn't fine with it, it's not okay... so if he knew that you wouldn't be okay with it and he did it anyways, he's a real jerk. If he didn't know, give him a break.

    3- You're a moron if you seriously consider yourself plain and think that those girls in porn are prettier than you. Look at yourself! You're gorgeous.

    4- Don't say that it was your fault. YOU shouldn't have to feel bad because of what someone else did.
  • thorssiwho@xanga

    I agree with you and don't listen to the other comments saying 'nothing is wrong with porn, men have their urges & that it is completely normal' Because it is not normal.. men do NOT need porn. Does a man have to fuck every day? What if you go away for a week? He HAS to watch porn? Sex isn't a obligation to your boyfriend.. it is something you do  for fun and because you love each other. The idea that a man can't go a few days without jacking off is bullshit and pathetic. Porn is disgusting and completely not realistic. And i understand that it makes you feel insecure, most girls are already insecure by these goddamn advertisements of photoshopped and super skinny models. Porn is the same really, only with fake body parts all around. Men that DO watch porn start thinking those girls as 'hot' and girls they wouldn't mind screwing and the normal girls are considerd 'cute' who would make good mothers. I'm sure there are guys that can control themselves with the whole porn thing and DO know the difference between real and fake.

    && All of those girls saying that it is just you that is insecure, are most likely bitches that don't feel insecure but do like to rub things in your face :)

    Want to know the saddest thing of it all? Most girls have already accepted that it is 'normal' for a guy to watch porn. It is not really. Wouldn't go as far as to say that it is cheating...., but it is disgusting and i know men can be without it. Just takes a bit of willpower.

    Good luck and i think you dealt with all of this pretty well.
  • Mr_Jin@xanga

    Freaking children.  Where the hell do you think he learned where the clit was?  You think his dad taught him? 

    Grow up.
  • ShelDrake@xanga

    I think lying about it was possibly the worst thing he could've done. I mean, that's what fueled everything else.
    I don't think the problem is the pr0n in this relationship, I think it's the communication.
  • emptyspiral@xanga

    I love how whenever someone blogs about porn all you fuckin perverted dumbshits get on here and brag about how often you play with yer cootch to pornos in a public setting and talk about how great it is and how you want your daughter or son to grow up to be involved in the industry.

    it is because you are terrible people
  • splitsecondshot@xanga

    Porn is becoming more and more acceptable in the world. We can't change that. Kids are getting their hands on it at younger and younger ages, hell I'm barely breaching the 18 year old gap and I've already seen it before.

    For me though the thing is, those girls do turn me on sexually, but they can't satisfy me on all other levels. Maybe that's what your boyfriend meant. Typically beating the meat can be a stress reliever because of the high levels of dopamine chemicals (explosion of pleasure) your brain gets.

    Admittingly, some guys do get hooked and go to a point where it becomes uncontrollably crazy, but for people like me, it just happens because it feels good and sometimes you just need to feel good when you're stressed out. So if you don't believe in the "tension relief" or "stress reliever" think of it as how some girls eat because they're sad and eating makes them happy. Like that, in essence that some guys can control their happy sack, and some guys can't. Likewise, some girls can control their eating habits and some can't.
  • kor_girl@xanga

    Maybe it's me but I don't think I've ever felt this negatively about my bf watching porn. As long as he didn't demand that we "try" some of the stuff out that I felt was degrading and demeaning, I didn't mind it. 


    Now, I think you were thinking too much about this porn thing and how it does relate to you. Most guys (asian, white, whatever) depending on their upbringing and culture would categorize the 'need' of porn in different ways. Some guys would be okay about talking about it openly and even share how their first load of porn (pardon the pun) came to their possessions, while others would be embarassed and feel ashamed because their parents or whatever led them to believe that it's "wrong" and it's "dirty." YES, that he lied to you is a HUGE problem. It means a lot of things and it's easy to jump to conclusions: "if you lied about something like this, what else did you lie to me about? why would you hide things from me?" But maybe something in your actions and previous conversations have led him to believe that you'd judge him negatively about having porn in his possessions and from the looks of this post, it seems pretty accurate no? But in short, the lying part would bother me too. It's like he doesn't trust me enough or something... eh?
    BUT in terms of whether or not you're not his type because he watches porn that features women of fake boobs, overtanned skin, blond hair and blue eyes, piercings to the wazoo...does not make him lying about how you're his type. The porn stars are often expected to look like that,  they wouldn't be starring a NORMAL looking, REAL person as the main headliner. I don't know why but it just gets like that. You don't have to compete with these 'not-so-real' characters in porn because well, they're porn characters. It's not how they look in these "films" that excite him but probably the weird things they're willing to do on film (and they get paid to do it for pete sakes). And lastly, if he isn't asking you to perform any shocking, demeaning acts that such characters are willingly doing so in porn, who cares? 
  • Coke0@xanga

    I can't believe people are rolling their eyes at this...I know exactly how this feels. It really really hurts to feel like you're not accepted by your boyfriend because you don't look and act a certain way. I was pressured into doing really raunchy stuff in bed, told that I "would be so much hotter" if I was skinnier and my boobs were bigger. We also ended up having the "disconnected sex" that she mentions, where it just feels mechanical and he didn't care about how I felt at all. It was all about him and how good he felt. She's not being oversensitive, he LIED to her and IGNORED her for porn. That's a huge deal and would make anyone feel inadequate.


    Needless to say, I expect a lot more from my current boyfriend now.

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