Saturday, 04 July 2009

• How Pr0n Affected My Relationship

  
  

  So as you might have noticed in my blogs I will sometimes mention an "event that occurred recently in my life." To come out and be completely honest, that event was, in short, me finding out my boyfriend would watch porn every day. This included mornings before I'd come to see him. Now, this was probably enlarged by he fact that he would tell me "I haven't touched that in AGES, I don't need it when I have you" -> lie. I know that many couples, males, and females, now embrace and accept porn in their relationships and personal lives, but I would like to share what other effects it could have and what happened to me: 

  My first thoughts were - You lied to me, why did you lie to me? and you were hiding things from me.

  At first I was confused whether to be angry or not. I knew I shouldn't be because it's supposed to be normal but I DID know that lying to me in general was wrong, so I questioned it. He denied it (maybe a bit shameful) and ignored me when I confronted him. It felt as is he had put it before me because within his busy schedule(going to school and work full time) he managed to give time to that when I got 10 minute phone calls and an "I'm tired now" or "I'm busy". I felt unimportant and as if those things were better than I was which led to...

  I saw what you've seen. How can I compete? I'm not your type. Why would you want me?

  I looked through what he looked at and it was typical. Big fake chests, skimpy outfits, tanned skin, long hair, lots of makeup - sexy, slutty women...while he would always tell me he liked the opposite and that was why he liked me, but if this was what got him going then why would he ever find me desirable? Plus I'm up against not one woman, but millions. Again I felt lied to and even worse, as if I wasn't attractive and no one would ever love me because all men seemed to chase the same images. Would he Google search for a girl like me who's plain? So then I realized it was beginning to feel like..

  You aren't loyal and will let me go when you find your ideal; you practically cheated on me or you will cheat on me

  I was both sad and angry. If even though he is with me he could felt that certain way or *ahem* do those certain things to images or videos of someone else what does that mean about all the other women he meets? does he find them attractive too? will he think about them in that way? Even during the argument he said without thinking "well of course some people are more attractive than others but I just don't say it out loud". Even if it does sound like a fantasy I wanted to believe that the one your with is the one you think is better than the rest, that's why you're with them, and that intimacy like that was supposed to be special.  Now I felt as if I was at the bottom but was with him because it was possible. Although he would argue that it was because he wanted me, we soon established that he just wanted "it" in general. Another argument was that he was used to taking out his "sexual frustrations" that way, but now that he was with me what was I doing? Sure we had the emotional connection but then was that all I was useful for? I felt exactly as how someone cheated on would because if you think about it, the situation is the same minus the actual physical contact with another person. His mistress was the internet history he was hiding, you may think I'm crazy but people do call cheating for things much less.

  What did I do wrong; It was my fault; I'll never be good enough

  Finally, I slipped into a depression where all I did was think about how much I hated the media, humanity, and myself. I'd cry looking at myself and question myself as to why I had to look the way I did. I wondered why society was so corrupt as to letting things like this happen to people like me. I hated the men and women who fueled it. I would do nothing all day and refused to let him come near me. I thought about making myself completely invisible or completely exposing myself. I felt as if I had no reason to be there and that I was nothing.

  Further Problems:

  Right when this first happened I went to the trusty internet and did some research on porn and relationships. I did this to see whether me feeling angry or sad was normal or justified before I blew anything out of proportion. What I found was that although it can be okay, other times it can also lead to abuse. A partner may pressure the other to do things they had watched and sex could begin to be disconnected (meaning you feel more like an object). If one is addicted it will also lead to neglect and all the things I mentioned I felt. I realized that I had experienced all these things during my last relationship.

  That was a few months ago. It took a few meetings and a telephone call that went from 9 p.m. - 5 a.m. for me to be "okay" and for him to finally understand how and why I felt the way I did (also influenced by past abusive relationships), plus a few days until he finally was HONESTLY feel bad and sorry. Now, I'm happy again and we function just fine. As usual, I know everything happens for a reason and I think through this he has become more understanding to my feelings and is more attentive and sensitive. For example he'd walk away if something inappropriate on TV or in movies pops up, or would ask me permission to do something if he's unsure if I'll be uncomfortable with it. And I was able to reconstruct myself to maybe even be a more confident person than I was before it happened.

  I'm not saying that porn is a bad thing, people have their different purposes for it (sort of, haha) and different perspectives on it; this is just one that I wanted people to realize exists because not everyone understands. In conclusion, I just hope that for all relationships, both individuals remember to think of one another, communicate, and do your best to keep each other happy. This means understanding each other and their opinions as important, no matter how small you may actually think they are.

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