Friday, 03 July 2009

  • You Can't Be a Bisexual Woman if You Only Want Men.

    I'm sure I've written a variation of this post at some point in the fairly recent past, but I'm far too lazy to be scrolling through entries trying to locate the original post. Besides. If I have, it was probably privatized in response to another bout of family-drama, so let's pretend what I'm about to say here today is new and uncharted territory for me, shall we?

    There's A Difference Between "Man, She's An Attractive Woman" and "Good God, I Want To Tear Her Clothes Off and Fuck Her Brains Out."

    Admittedly, it's a mouthful of a sub-title for this section of my post, but Goddammit, it's true. Moreso than men, women are all dainty lines and sloping curves; from the standpoint of pure aesthetics, women are attractive. As women, we're also more likely to recognize attractive members of our same gender than men are -- it's far more socially acceptable for me to find Angelina Jolie absolutely gorgeous than it would be for a man to gush about Johnny Depp's disarming grin. Whatever the reasons for it, women have a tendency to evaluate the attractiveness of their peers in a far more open and vocal way than men.

    That being said, I think young women these days grip rather instinctually - and somewhat pathetically - to the rather trendy idea that finding another woman attractive automatically means they're bisexual. That somehow "Hey, she's pretty" equates to a deeper sexual attraction that can only be described as equal to (or maybe even greater than) whatever attraction they feel towards members of the opposite sex. That "She's got gorgeous eyes" suddenly means a desire to sexually experience the woman in question.. 

    However, attraction (or finding someone attractive) is fundamentally different than sexual attraction (or finding someone sexually attractive). There is a vast difference between the desire to have sex with say, Eliza Dushku, and merely wanting to have those characteristics we find attractive in her.

    You Don't Want to Have Sex with Her; You Just Want to BE Her. Sticking with the Eliza Dushku example (because good Lord, I really do want that woman to undress me with her teeth), I've come to the conclusion that young women are far more likely to admit to attraction than jealousy. In coveting say, Eliza's tiny waist, ample hips and dark eyes, they redefine the jealous/envious desire to be everything they find attractive about this other woman as, instead, a desire to have her.

    Because boys are far more likely to find bisexuality attractive in a woman, and nobody likes a jealous bitch.

    But the fact of the matter is, a lot of these 'bisexual' girls would turn tail and run at the first inklings of a true bisexual experience. Pour vodka down their throats, set them in front of a crowd of doting men, and they'll play tonsil hockey until they pass out, skirts up around their waists. But put those same two girls in a private room together - give them a chance to privately, soberly and honestly explore their sexual orientation - and a vast majority of these girls would run back to their boyfriends, eager to reassert their staunchly heterosexual tendencies.

    They don't lie awake at night fantasizing about the subtle curve of breast to hip, the smell of shampoo in long dark hair, or the click of red heels against tile. They don't flirt with other women. They don't, when they find themselves single and on the lookout for potential relationships, even consider spending the night in the arms of a pretty woman. They just don't. Their fantasies, however twisted and kinky they might be otherwise, consist of heterosexual sex -- the good ol' peg-in-hole, as my ex used to call it. When describing their perfect mate, it's always "A man who..."; when picturing their future, it's always husband, wife, and biological children.

    And It's Kind of Insulting to the People Who Really ARE Bi.While you're busy prancing around in your short skirts, purring to any man who'll listen that you'd be up for a threesome because you're bisexual, there are women (and men) who genuinely spend their lives sorting out whatever conflicting sexual feelings they have. Men and women who watch your attention-whoring, ignorant grabs for attention, and want to kill you for being so stupid. Goddammit, I read some of your posts and pulses, listen to your arrogant speeches, and -- cough. Right, misplaced rage.

    The fact of the matter is, we know those formative years are hard on a girl. Those of us who've lived through it, we realize high school (and even college) is largely a desperate grab for attention, the misguided idea that holding on to the latest trend will somehow make life better.  We realize that faux-bisexuality is just the latest of a long series of peer pressure-induced identity crises.

    But it doesn't make you any less of a liar. It doesn't make you any less ignorant. And it certainly doesn't make you bisexual.

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Comments (150)

  • Mangonese@xanga

    Thank you for discrediting a whole group of people based purely on your opinion.

    P.S., I'd agree with you on most parts if this didn't come off so high and mighty.
  • GiantUnicorn@xanga

    I knew this girl who I worked with. She was SO full of herself it was quite disgusting. She dated men but apparently she was a lezbian? No one at work understood this when out of nowhere she started toting around rainbow lanyards and buttons.  She then decided to ditch boys all together and just toy with them. I had not seen her with a girl once, but she claimed she was Bi. So I let her be what she was.

    THEN out of nowhere she announces that she will date men but never have sex with them, and she was this righteous virgin who would only sleep with women. But she never had. But she still toyed with men and we never saw her with a girl. Ever.

    So we considered her a fake.

    I hate people who do things just because of a trend. So lame. I understand experimenting, but for fashion? Really now?
  • InTheThin@xanga

    I know I'm not bisexual because I know I could never love a girl, though I'm open to kissing and being sexual with one just for experimentation. I don't mind being sexual with a girl...I just like being with a guy FAR better. It's kind of awesome that guys still think it's hot if straight girls get it on.

    @Mangonese@xanga - I agree with your second sentence.
  • xpialadocious@xanga

    I was ready to repeat essentially what your first commenter said, but you hit these specific kinds of self-deceiving opportunistic wanna-bi's (sic) so accurately that you pulled me over.


    Now, I think (and so do you probably, if I can be so forward) that some of those girls might actually BE bi eventually; couldn't this hetero, bi-performing vodka-swilling dance be an awkward part of self-discovery?  Not, certainly, in all cases or most, but in one or a few?


    What I actually read in your faux-bi-girl image here is the ideal girl of a certain (very shallow and stupid) variation of the male sexual imagination.  That's where my own anger at it meets yours and shakes hands. 


    Anyway, uneven and perhaps high and mighty but nonetheless, well done.
  • Latke@xanga

    Thank your for posting this. I'm sure my girlfriend, who is BI, would thank you as well.


    Try a sobering experience if you're curious. Drunk is never the way to do it, and it just hurts people's feelings when you say "I did it because I was drunk". Shame on you people who do. Everyone understands curiosity, and I don't understand how anyone would want to try something drunk...
    Then again...I was born with a bit more courage (or idiocy--depends on whom you talk to) than most of the girls I know.
  • BelisaAmbrose@xanga

    @Mangonese@xanga - I agree
  • rebelmug@xanga

    Well written! I genuinely appreciate reading your input - I'm guessing that was sparked by a situation?

    Anyways, I'm happy to see another non-hetero view on datingish! It makes me feel like it's worthwhile to continue reading, haha.
  • LeftWristTwist@xanga

    Yeah, what if they do it for more than attention.

    Validation, maybe!
  • ViciousGrin63@xanga

    Ok.
  • Kestryl@xanga

    @Mangonese@xanga - You're very welcome.

    And P.S: that's because I am.
  • Gerald_Washington@xanga

    "Because boys are far more likely to find bisexuality attractive in a woman, and nobody likes a jealous bitch. "
     I don't like bisexual women, I find them unattractive, and slightly immature.
    "And It's Kind of Insulting to the People Who Really ARE Bi."
    There are people who are bisexual? I just thought that these were women who couldn't get a guy because the were too ugly/fat/bitchy so they decided to make out with girls to attract boys. You know, kinda like a lame teenage rebellious statement.
    As a matter of fact, that's where I've seen these "bi" chicks the most, and that is why I find it immature. I don't even think that I know of an honest-to-God bi chick, or guy, for that matter.
    Why I find it unattractive, is because of the fact that I've seen self proclaimed "bisexuals" make out with girls then guys, in the same 30 minutes. I personally find that sickening.

    Also something else:  I think of sexuality in sorts as a game with multiple difficulties.
    Gay=Hard Mode
    Straight=Normal Mode
    Bisexual=Easy Mode
    Transexual: Chaos Mode

    Gay is hard because they have to deal with social acceptance for who they are.
    Straight is Normal, because, well, its the norm, is it not?
    Bisexual is easy mode because you can be whatever you want to: its easily hidden, unlike being gay or straight for that matter: they can be both. Also, the stigma attached to bi women being attractive aids this process.
    Trannys have chaos mode, because, well, its almost self explanatory.

    I know that if anyone replies to this they will say I'm closed minded, intolerant, blah blah blah. I'm indifferent.  I accept gays, but bi I still hold in contempt. Also, trannys.

    Good post.
  • Mangonese@xanga

    @Gerald_Washington@xanga - Can I ask why you hold these sorts of people in contempt? I'd get it if you said that the only people in these categories you've met were like the ones you described ("Why I find it unattractive, is because of
    the fact that I've seen self proclaimed bisexuals' make out with girls
    then guys, in the same 30 minutes. I personally find that sickening"). It's hard to get past first impressions a lot and I guess I'd understand if you'd never met anyone of the contrary. But not everyone is like that. I mean, there are straight people who are just as promiscuous and/or display the same traits as the ones you describe as "sickening", so do you find those sorts of people contemptible too?

    I'm honestly just curious.
  • Lordv16@xanga

    Thank god someone said it. I thought I was the only one bothered by how "cool" being bisexual has become.
  • beetunes@xanga

    @Kestryl@xanga - you own it, miss kestryl.
  • Gerald_Washington@xanga

    @Mangonese@xanga - What I described, were the only bisexuals I have met. Also, in high school there were a group of girls who claimed to be bisexual, now they all have boyfriends or are engaged. Even one girl I know of now who claims bisexuality, I've seen her go after only guys. I find straight people who are promiscuous like what i explained to be just as bad, only slightly less so because  at least they stick to one gender.
    And Traps, well, I just don't see why they can't just be gay guys. Why put up a front? they're men who are sexually attracted to men, so why dress up like a woman to entrap men when you send straight guys (as well as some gays) the wrong picture? 

  • KrazeeKunoichi009@xanga

    I love this.

    I always attract girls who say they're 'bisexual', but instead of getting well acquainted with a lesbian, they run to a man. I think that wanna-be bisexuals are the way they are because recently, bisexuality among women has become a fad. With crap like Tila Tequila on the air and shit.

    I'm tired of crap like that. I'm pretty sure those women can't tell the different between "She's beautiful" and "I wanna f*ck her brains out."

    *facepalm*

    -Kunoichi
  • matt__x@xanga
    abracadabra!
  • Mangonese@xanga

    @Gerald_Washington@xanga - As for transgendered people, it's not a matter of how they perceive other people, it's a matter of how they perceive themselves. It can all get a bit confusing, especially if you've never personally known or are someone who has gone through the experience (Ugh, bad grammar, but my head is all twisted right now. Please excuse it.) Suffice it to say that most people don't care how others perceive their sexuality, but how they themselves perceive it.

    Also, bisexual doesn't have to mean greatly attracted to your same sex or relationships with the same sex. I am bisexual, have had relations with a girl I was in love with, and found that although I am more sexually attracted to women and the experiences I have with them, men typically fill my relationship needs quota. For me, it's more important that I find a meaningful relationship with someone than a sexual one. I don't get along well with a lot of women usually (not saying I couldn't!), but I just haven't found "the one" in a woman yet. Well, I thought I had, but she ended up crushing me to little pieces.

    Overall, "sexuality" is just a label to help other people understand how you are attracted to people. While I may be bisexual, or even pansexual, I don't typically have relationships with women. I don't know exactly why, but my guess is that women are far different than men psychologically (and typically. I hate to make these generalizations, but I keep saying typically. There are exceptions to every rule), and I probably need more of the "male" mindset to balance me than the "female" mindset. Ugh. I don't like saying that.

    I wish I could explain this better, but without going into a whole dissertation about gender psychology and gender roles in western society, I can't do much better than I already have. I hope this presents a different side to things that you haven't been exposed to. If not, have a good day. :)
  • alayshaj@xanga

    I have had people tell me that I am not bisexual, im just curious. Even though the second longest relationship I have had was with a female and I did love her.. I loved her alot. I had sex with her and would have loved if it had worked out. It just didnt. But apparently that doesnt matter and im just a straight girl who is dumb. Its rather annoying. I get it more now since im pregnant and with a guy. People seem to forget that bisexual means you are sexually/emotionally attracted to both sexes. 
  • B1ANCACACA@xanga

    I know of a girl who is a lesbian but dates a guy.  Because he is so amazing that she found it in her heart to love him (and have sex with him).  But remember!!!  She is a lesbian.  
  • B1ANCACACA@xanga

    @alayshaj@xanga - I will never understand why people say it's impossible to be bisexual.  I do think it's possible to love both. 

  • Meowmeowkimmaee@xanga

    Yeah sometimes I am attracted to women but relationship-wise, I'd only want a man.
  • ShapeshiftingAna@xanga

    THANKS for this post.

    I get so sick and tired of people trying to make bisexuality a trend and discrediting the struggle the true bisexuals have to deal with. Because of idiots like the people mentioned in your post, true bisexuals are often questioned or told 'it's just a phase'.
  • JessxMaxine@xanga

    i agreed and loved this post the first time, i read it. and my feelings haven't changed.


    great post. you speak the truth.i  have seen way too many "drunk" girls kissing or sexing up another girl to be cool and fit in.
    xo
  • lonelywanderer2@xanga

    Great post.  I think it's true that many girls pretend to be bi just because guys like it.

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