Whoa, whoa, I do hook up.
I guess that means, Miss Clarkson, that I
do come cheap...if only in the sense that what I give of myself, I give freely, asking nothing of the other.
In the eyes of some, in the eyes of many, it seems (including my most recent hookup [the one who began with the offer of a fun two weeks before I graduated and ended, coincidentally enough, with the promise of seeing me the next day, for those of you keeping track at home], but only until I did hook up with him), that makes me less of a "lady". Lady, a title of nobility. A title denoting, conventionally, grace, tact and respectability, moral character. Often enough, my mother has pointed out that her grandmother (the Countess) would be rolling over in her grave if she heard any of this talk of birth control and sleeping with anyone but my pillow.
Why? Because I am honest in recognizing my own desires and the desires of someone I find attractive? Because I won't demand of the people for whom I care that they make choices contrary to those they would make for themselves? That's the conflict, isn't it? The assumption is always that a hookup is indiscriminate, that he's there and I have legs to spread (Countess rolling at these words, right now). No, no, no. I hook up with people I want to be close to, people I would like in my life.
If those people choose not to be in my life, it certainly isn't because I did or didn't have sex, or anything else. It's because he has priorities to which I am not matched. That's okay, though. We all have lives to live. There is no loss in time spent in the enjoyment of one another. There is no pretense, there.
We're a little too concerned with appearances. We're a little too concerned with the primacy of the experience. I can tell you with all honesty that the sex I've had with a man I did not care about (the man to whom I lost my virginity and dated for eight months, with whom I had a very caring, comfortable relationship) was a completely different experience from the sex I had with the man I loved (who promised he'd call me after finals a little over a year ago), even though he did not really love me. So, what is the value of my virginity? Would my first time have actually been "special?" No, absolutely not, because every single moment spent in the arms of the person I loved was the most special moment of my life, the happiest, the most intensely gratifying.
Nobility, "lady"-hood/ness, is not a function of your ability to avoid indelicacies. It's a function of your moral character as defined by your ability to uphold what you believe in, to respect the people around you. There is no respect in pretending you don't know what you want. The greatest respect is founded on sincerity and on the recognition that each person will be responsible for his and her actions.
So, yes, I do hook up, because I want to. And, well, if all that is wanted of me is the conquest of my body, that's a consequence I have to face. I won't deny myself the proximity of the direction of my passions. I won't pretend I don't have any. If my honesty is distasteful, maybe your own lies need to be ventilated a bit. More importantly, though, maybe you should just be honest with me. The only people I've ever felt disgust for are the ones who have put more effort into lying and avoiding the truth when their end could have been achieved with greater ease and long-term comfort with a few honest words.
True
Comments (26)
Beautifully written. I agree with you 100%, hands-down.
you have my vote one all of this
its kinda human nature
Thank you!
I agree that just because you choose to have sex with someone you care about you don't become less of a lady just because it wasn't the one person for the rest of your life. But I can see how some girls lose their "lady-like" qualities from sleeping around too much. I am friends with such a person. I don't really see a future of being with an SO that greatly respects her after being together for many years for her. She cheats too much. And she knows it.
you are awesome. :D
I'll agree with most of the people who've responded thus far. Excellent points, and my sentiments are with you. :)
Ok.
i agree with you that just because i like hooking up, it doesn't make me less of a lady. plus when i do it, it's not like i'm going out and hooking up with everyone i meet. i think it's totally tolerable to enjoy good sex and it doesn't have to be someone that you're in love with.
I don't think virginity or "first times" really have as much significance as they are given. The importance they hold in your life is deemed by you yourself and that's the only way to gauge it.
hooking up is a one night stand, right?
Hey, you got featured!
@Mangonese@xanga & @MissPixieGlitter@xanga - Thank you!
@WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption@xanga - Hooking up is doing something sexual, whatever your personal standard of what you're comfortable with doing, however many times, outside of a social commitment to the person with whom you're doing it.
For me, that's sex.
@mycontinuity@xanga - Yes, I did!! ^_^
Eloquently written.
I don't personally hook up, but I liked this post.
(:
well said
Okay so the main reason I'm commenting is because I LOVE Kelly Clarkson, and I was willing to defend her at any cost, but since you didn't really say anything against her...
I don't hook up. But even though I can see something of the beauty of waiting till marriage, I don't see anything wrong with not waiting. I personally have not waited till marriage because the laws don't allow me to get married yet.
It all depends. Some people hook up and such because they feel inadequate and need a man to validate them. This isn't good, and they should learn to love themselves. But if you hook up because you enjoy it and you feel confident in yourself, then I don't see anything wrong with it.
So you're okay with the possibility of getting STDs or getting pregnant before you're ready? (unless you are ready)
I would like to think that there is more to sex than "a fun pass-time for two or more people", and I know that when you really love someone that this is often the case, but what about the rest of the time? If all you want is to have them in your life than isn't introducing the complications of sex less preferable to talking with the person and starting a friendship? Granted, having sex is a great way to get a guys attention, but at what point do you have to admit that the value of the experience has been reduced?
One hundred years ago if a man and a woman hugged, that meant a lot.
Fifty years ago if a man and a woman kissed, that meant a lot. By that point, however, most hugs meant only a little.
Twenty years ago if a man and a woman had sex, that meant a lot. By that point most kisses meant very little and most hugs were little more than a handshake.
What happens when most sex means very little?
PS: I know my opinion will be unpopular but that doesn't make it wrong either.
@midge4ever@xanga - I'm okay with being on the Pill and using a condom every time. The STDs a condom doesn't protect from you can also see on the body.
@DDTtheEnder@xanga - One hundred years ago, non-whites and women weren't allowed in the same universities and colleges as white men. Women couldn't vote, many didn't want to.
Fifty years ago, non-whites were still not allowed in the same institutions as whites.
Twenty years ago, it didn't. Somewhere around the sixties, people chilled out.
What happens is that the sex that means a lot stands out, the same way that the conversation that means a lot stands out, the same way that the person who means a lot stands out, no matter how many people you interact with.
@Finity@xanga - The size of an STD is smaller than the pores in a Condom. You can get any STD even if you use a Condom. Condoms have the ability protect you but you can't be 100% sure that you wont get an STD unless you aren't having sex.
@DDTtheEnder@xanga - I agree with you.
@Finity@xanga - Bringing up woman's rights and racial injustice is an unfair comparison and one that brings up a lot of strong feelings that have nothing to do with the subject. My words are directed just as much toward guys as girls and for all races. Proving that one thing has gotten better does not mean that everything has gotten better. If the 60's sexual revolution was really an exercise where "people chilled out" than why have sex crimes gone through the roof? If this is a good thing for relationships than why are divorce rates so high and getting higher?
Being honest with your passions does not necessarily mean playing those passions out. The character attribute of self-control does not come when you deny your drives, but when you admit those drives and choose to master them rather than have them master you.
I agree with absolutely everything you said. I am not one to go for one night stands or to hook up just cuz a guy wants me and so on...I only do it when I feel chemistry with someone and that I want to have in my life as well. I'm actually going through this no defining thing right now. I fell for this guy, we had amazing days and nights together and we cared for each other deeply but certain circumstances won't allow us to be together. It doesn't mean that it was time wasted or that it didn't mean anything, it meant the world to me and I hope to him as well. So basically to anyone from the outside, they see that we just "hooked up" but it's just not like that at all, even if you don't end up being in a relationship with someone. I respect myself and I know he does too even if we did move fast considering everything. These experiences will carry me on forward and I only have one life so why not make the best of it? Why not take a chance, fall for someone, go crazy...even if it means it will only last a week.
@missedout_onlife@xanga - It is pretty much an identical experience that led me to this conclusion/post. I'm glad you understand. :)
@DDTtheEnder@xanga - I agree with you, as well. I guess my standards in this regard come from around 50 years ago even though I was born only 21 years ago. :) I'll give out hugs (somewhat) freely, but that's it. My husband is the only guy I've had sex with, and when he was just my boyfriend he became the first (and only) guy I've kissed. I'm very happy with those choices.