Miss Walrus
The other day a wise woman (my mom) and I were talking about something I'd never really considered before. The conversation went something like this:
Miss Walrus: "I adore [insert name of guy I'm dating], but I just wonder if I will ever fall in love again..."
Mom Walrus: "You don't have to be IN LOVE with everyone you consider your boyfriend."
This really got me thinking. Normally, I enter into a relationship with one goal in mind and one goal only: To fall in love. I am a serious romantic at heart. As much as I probably shouldn't, I still believe in fairytale endings. I like to think that one day, somewhere, I will meet my own true love: a beautiful man with chiseled arms and baby blues who will sweep me off my feet and live happily ever after with me and our beautiful bouncing babies for years & years.
Gagging yet?
Anyway, thanks to my mama, I started to wonder if maybe the dating game doesn't necessarily have to be about finding my knight in shining armor. Maybe, instead, I could look at my experiences with dating as a kind of "trial-and-error" process; a way to find out what I like (& don't) and what behavior I will (& will not) tolerate in my lovers. It feels weird to even write (er, type) but, maybe I don't have to fall in love with everyone I date. Instead, maybe I can consider love the icing on the delicious cake of my life if it does happen. And if it doesn't? Maybe I can be happy all the same & take the experience for what it was - an experience.
What do you guys think? Is love always the main motivation in the dating game - or are other things (like finding out what makes you tick) just as important?
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Comments (24)
i think i focus on falling in love rather than accumulating experiences; it'd be great if my first boyfriend also became my husband.
EVERY part of dating is important. When i date someone i always focus on compatability. Trial and error is very important. I have learned so many things from past relationships i have made many mistakes and now because of these "test" boyfriends i will never fuck up as i did before. Even though someone i messed up huge on im trying to get back
that's the opposite of me.
while i am a hopeless romantic and dream of fairy tales and prince charming, i never looked for it, because when i started to picture whoever i was dating at the time in my future, i would break things off because he didn't fit that perfect picture i wanted. and then i found the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and after two years together, we broke up because he lost his feelings for me. it hurts, and now all i can think about is finding love again. but it wouldn't be with the person i want. but maybe i should do things your mother's way of thinking.
Sure.
It could definitely be a goal but it shouldn't be the only goal.
umm...why can't you just be friends then? And then see if it develops into love?
First off, dating is not a game. When you enter a relationship, your goal should be to receive and give love b/c if that's not what you're looking for, then don't enter a relationship in the first place. I always think of relationships as a committment, not a "trial and error, I'll pick out the best apple from the bunch" kind of thing. You can and will gain experiences through falling in love. It's cruel to not love someone, but still lead them on for the purpose of "experimenting/gaining experiences." It's not right to treat love as a game.
sure y not.
Dating should always always be about gaining experience, first and foremost. You can't go stumbling into every relationship thinking "this is the one". Instead, you have to realize that every relationship is going to be different, and this new one may teach you something.
I started dating my boyfriend because I wanted to have some fun and gain back a little self-esteem that was ripped away by my ex. I liked him well enough (duh, I wanted to date him), but I never thought I'd fall in love with him the way I am. In fact, I was pretty much against the idea during the first three months of us dating. I just wanted to chill with someone who was good for me and I could be good for him.
Love isn't what drives me in dating anymore. It's the lessons I can learn along the way to finding that person I'll come to love and have kids with. I'm not looking for love. I'm hoping that I'll randomly find it along the way. It's a lot less stressful than freaking out about it every five seconds.
Dating to me is about falling in love...the experience i take with me if i don't feel the love.
@panda_cupcake@xanga - You got it completely right - what's the point in dating if you don't want to fall in love? That's called playing a game...and it's not fair to the other person.
You really don't have to look to be falling in love with someone to date them. Everyone I've dated was because I found a slight compatibility. I was never looking for Mister Perfect, though I obviously never dated someone I didn't think had potential. That's how I ended up still being friends with most of my exes, because while they weren't the one they are still good people that I enjoy spending time with.
Take my current boyfriend for example. When I first asked him out it was because he was the only guy left that I liked even the slightest bit and I was not expecting things to work out with him and after that I was planning to start dating completely on shallow levels rather than because I actually like a guy. I didn't really know him all that well because we had only seen eachother twice before that and this was our first time hanging out one-on-one.
Obviously, I was not looking for love. Just to be in a relationship. So, we hooked up that day and started talking about our compatibility. Turned out we were more compatible than I thought. At six months, going on seven, he is my longest lasting relationship as well as a guy that I have done a lot for that I would never do for anyone else and the only guy I would actually consider purposing to when we're old enough. Did I mention I gave him my virginity?
Dating isn't about finding love. That's something that just comes along. When dating, finding someone you love isn't the goal of the game, but more like a bonus level.
If I'm dating you... It will probably start off as a strong crush, then something short of an obsession... and then I will fall in love. At least, that's how it has been for some of my relationships.
i always thought of dating as trail and error
The only point in "attraction" is to find a suitable mate to reproduce. I usually go with animal terms to understand people, but ever since this "love" and "romance" crap came around, I just don't get why people have to over-exaggerate their emotions in order to make something appear special..
There's no such thing as "one true love", or "soul mate". People shouldn't make things out for what they AREN'T. And because of this distorted view, men and women can NEVER see eye to eye. Women are looking for a kind of bond that doesn't exist and men are just looking for something to stick their peeper in and hopefully, WON'T regret it.
The point in every relationship isn't "LOVE", it's usually "SEX", however, if one finds a mate, but DON'T want to have sex, then that's just a personal thing I suppose.
Humans are difficult to understand, but I believe your mother is a wise woman to bring you out of that distorted view on relationships.
-Kunoichi
in general, falling in love was not the goal of my relationships. i wouldn't even say there really was a goal at all, except that we were attracted to each other and wanted to be together, and for me, that enough. if i fell in love, great. if i didn't, oh well. there were usually enough other issues in the relationship that caused it to end before we could get to the "love" point anyway. But after each relationship ended, I new goal was to find something to take away.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. Right?
However, in my last (and current) relationship, i already loved him. I loved him the moment I saw him (although not the same love I feel now, now that I know what love is), and my goal was to get as much from him as I could to feel better about my unrequited feelings. No, I didn't get money from him, or presents. I didn't want that. I wanted him, I wanted his time. His affection. I wanted as much of him as I could get without being clingy.We were exclusively seeing each other day and night for over a month before he made it official.
Luckily for me, something about me kept him around willingly, and now we're happily in love.
The goal now? To stay that way.
Going on dates and having fun with another person is fine, at first. But if there is no connection and no growing affection and dependence on each other, going on dates gets kind of boring, imo.
with the last three real relationships that i've been in, i've said "i love you" to two of the three guys. i guess i see where your mom's coming from because my last relationship, i loved him but i wasn't in love with him yet because i didn't get to that point but what i realized from that relationship was that i was wasting my time and trying to figure out if i really cared about him or not and was so caught up on trying to figure out if he liked me back in return that we just ended up in a long and drawn out relationship that ended badly. i think that to be in a relationship, you have to have some kind of feelings for that person and of course, love will start to develop and if it doesn't then you know he's not the one.
I personally think that if you enter a relationship, that love should definitely be the goal, if not already the primary reason for entering it in the first place.
I think love can mean different things. If a fairytale ending is the kind of love you had in mind, then sure, you better only date rich guys who act sweet. It could happen.
I think you're overanalyzing what your mother has shared with you. She said you don't have to fall in love with EVERY guy you date and she also didn't say treat every relationship as a "trial and error" either. it's a little bit of both, isn't it?
For me, I think my main 'point' of being in a relationship (these days) is to find a guy that I'm attracted to and is compatible with so we can dream about our lives together as time passes. That's how I plan to marry, not because out of so many guys, his assets suited me best for a long-term investment or whatever "trial and error" selections conclude. +_+
@TheLoveMuse@xanga - Thanks :3.
This is tricky territory. It could be great to date just to garner experience - who knows, maybe someone you only expect to be with for a little while could end up being the love of your life. On the other hand, you don't want to lead someone on who really sees building a future with you. Therefore, I say: tread with caution.