Thursday, 02 July 2009
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Is It Wrong to Hang Out with Someone Crushing on You?
Today, I got a text message from my boyfriend and it said something along the lines of, "is it wrong to hang out with someone one on one, if you know the other person has an interest in you, but you don't in them?"
and I replied, "well, if you don't have an interest in them, do what you want"
I realized that might have been the wrong answer, because it got me thinking. Is it actually wrong? I then asked him if it was and didn't know if it was either.
So tonight we were talking, and I asked him again, and at the end of the night he said, "I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want to give off the wrong impression"
That sounded right, right?
But really, everyone, is it wrong to hang out with someone one on one if you know that person is interested in you? Would you do it?
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About the Author
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- From: ordinary_gir1@xanga
- Name: Lena
- About Me: hello i'm lena. I'm just another ordinary girl who likes to eat alot of food and is super technologically illiterate!
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Comments (119)
As long as the person crushing on you knows their boundaries and knows you aren't interested, dating somebody else, etc. and they completely respect that without letting their feelings get in the way, I don't see anything wrong with it... at least until their emotions get involved anyway. If your friendship with this person starts getting in the way of your relationship with your SO, like they're not coping well with the fact that you're not interested and taken or they keep persisting knowing you're not interested and taken, then it's time to distance yourself. That's just my opinion, though.
It's not wrong, just make sure you tell the other person that you have no feelings for him/her whatsoever. Don't lead them on ...
But knowing everything, the other person may still be affectionate towards you ... so I would just stay away.
you mean, wrong if you are in a relationship right? then yes.
one of my ex's and i did not see eye to eye on that topic and it made us fight a lot in the beginning. she loved attention from guys, and even though we were in a relationship, she would still go on these "dates". i trusted her and all, but i just didn't like the idea of it because it gives off the wrong impression to the other person.
@kriskris92@xanga - I second that.
It depends entirely on the situation. Just because someone likes you who shouldn't--like a really good friend--it doesn't mean the friendship should die and you both stop hanging out with each other. Draw the line, set your boundaries straight, make sure they know that you are happily involved with someone else, and that your hanging out is nothing but an innocent and friendly get-together.
If they're a casual acquaintance, say, whom you just met at school and you know they are interested in you, but you aren't interested in them, then maybe spending time with them isn't such a good idea.
I'm in a situation like this right now. One of my best friends (and pretty much the only one who's home for the summer) is a little crazy about me, and has been for some time. However, he knows I have a boyfriend (and that I've been dating him for over a year), and that I'm not interested. If I ever did try to make a move on him while I was still dating my boyfriend (which I never would), I fully expect he would slap me in the face for acting like a 'ho. I guess it can be awkward sometimes hanging out with someone who's crushing on you, but as long as your intentions are clear and you don't cheat, it isn't "wrong"- what's wrong is to throw away a perfectly good friendship because of a crush your friend can't help.
Hmm, I have gone through this situation with my girlfriend, a couple times actually..... The first one was her friend from school that she met in the new semester, and was in every one of his classes. I was jealous about this whole thing, and then even more jealous when he started doing some sketchy things. She didnt think he liked her, but everyone else I knew thought he did, finally it came out at her birthday a little while ago. But I am trying to trust this guy to be around her, I think he knows nothing will ever happen, Im still a bit weary. But Im trying to show some character by making a sacrifice like that, knowing how much things like that really do hurt me, yet Im allowing them to happen.
A second time was recently when she went to the bar, and this random guy asked her for her phone number, apparently without thinking about why he asked her for it, she gave it to him, and go his number down likewise. I found out about this, I was enormously upset, I havent been that mad on the inside in a while. He then called her, then she told him she had a bf and all, he said that was cool, and to call him if ever she wanted to hang out. She said sorry to me, and then felt bad, and went as far to delete his number from her phone. (Which made me happy inside...). Then she added him on facebook. I was quite angry, whats the point of deleting the number, if you got his fb, with the number on it. She apparently wanted him to see that she has a bf, and didnt want to look like a bitch, and seem like she was lying about it to get out of hanging out. Now thats cleared up, their starting to talk on facebook too.... She didnt turn down the idea of hanging out with him when I mentioned it also, even after all that.So, I know this is a post of someone elses, but while everyones on topic, can I ask a question? Is it wrong for me to be upset about this? I personally think I have the right to be upset. I mean, obviously he has no other interest... He asked for her number at a bar. Like a week ago. No friendship history. Is it wrong for me to be mad that their being friends?? Wouldnt this be leading on of some sort???
it's not wrong to hang out with someone who has a crush on you...just not one-on-one...especially if the one being crushed on has a bf/gf.
@LifesCollage@xanga - I don't think you're acting out of character, I would be upset too if I were in your shoes. It's obvious no really ask for a girl's # at a bar so they can be friend...your gf shouldn't ignore this fact. I don't mean you should control who she is to become friend with, but I think you have a legitimate reason to be suspicious and she should try to understand how this is making you feel.
been there, donethat. just follow your instincts? BUHT. if youre 5,000,000% sure you have no intrest in theother person, & sure that you arent sending any vibes you dont want to send. then no, ihts not bad.
If you're already in a relationship, then no way.
But if you're single, why not?
@LifesCollage@xanga - no, I don't think it is wrong of you to be upset. if you go back and read what I posted a few hours ago, it kind of seems like our situations are similar, but you're feeling the same way my boyfriend is. your post actually helped me understand a little better. anyways, I would be upset, too. the first guy that's in all of her classes -- as long as you trust her, things should be alright. trusting her doesn't just mean not to cheat, it also means to not put herself around someone that she thinks would try something that could damage your relationship, like the guy from all of her classes [because he's interested in her]. also, the guy from the bar, I would be a bit upset about it, too. I think I would've done about the same thing she did, though; adding him to Facebook. I'm a very nice person and I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was just being a bitch and not hanging out with them for the wrong reason[s]. however, she could've gone about it a different way, or just forgotten about it -- she met this guy at a bar, so his intentions were pretty obvious, as I believe you said. she could've just told him to go look at her Facebook page if she was really that worried about him thinking she was lying, and denying him if he requested her.
overall, you need to just decide whether or not you can trust her. like I said, that doesn't just mean not to cheat on you, that also means not to surround herself with people that she thought could put your relationship in danger. this obviously bothers you, though; how much have you told her about how it bothers you?
@stfuHaylee@xanga - Thanks, this sounds exactly like a situation I know, I've been trying to get them to stop or talk it out. =|
I do it all the time really... one of my best friends has liked me forever, but I wouldn't stop hanging out with him. I make it pretty clear I don't like them and have a boyfriend (if I do at the time anyway). So I don't think it's wrong if you're clear about it. There's no reason you can't be friends with someone who JUST has a crush on you...
I think it's wrong to lead someone on, when you know for sure that you have no interest in him/her. When you are both single and hanging out one on one, it gives the person that likes you hope, but in the end, you know it won't go anywhere. Don't give others false hope, just to crush it later. It's better to make your intentions clear from the start and this way, you won't hurt that person.
Yeah, I think I understand how your bf feels.
Yes. I'm a very open person, I have told her in debth how I feel about this. Her defense is that she doesn't want to lose possible friendships, and to think about all the possible friendships that could have arisen among people she just ignored in the past. She says it's hard for her to make close friends with people and that she wants to take all the oppotunities she can.
In my opnion. It's some dude who seems nice, who asked for her number at a bar. Not a long lost possibilty of friendship. It sucks though, because I just want her to really show that she cares about my feelings, as much as I carr about her. She beats herself up because she thinks all she does is hurt me, but she doesn't change. I live her more than anything, I don't want to be apart from her, but I want things to be fair, and for the both of us to change for each other, for the better.
Wtf, I don't think it's wrong lol. Am I the only one?!
I have a girlfriend, but at college one of my friends drunk-dialed me and told me that they liked me. But hey, she's my friend. Just because she told me she likes me, and that I'm not interested in her back, doesn't mean we can't continue being friends!
You can be friends with someone without leading them on. I mean, really; leading them on in my opinion includes talking about relationships, complimenting each other physically, touching each other (hugging, holding hands, what have you), etc. Other than that, how is just talking leading someone on?!
And besides, if hanging one-on-one is so wrong, how the hell can you interact with the opposite sex when you're in a relationship?!
I'm not about to sacrifice friendships that have lasted 5 years for a relationship that's lived for only 5 months.
I think it is wrong to lead someone on. That's why I have cut off contact with my ex-boyfriend.
Make sure they know you're not interested. At all. Then hang if they still want to.
I have been in the same exact situation, except the friend was my ex from a few years back. We were together for about 5 months before I broke it off. A few years later, I met my new boyfriend, and we are/were together for a year and 9 months. But while my boyfriend and I were on a break, I got alot closer to my ex because he has always been there for me through everything. I sensed that he started to like me again, but I made it clear to him that I was in love with my boyfriend and was determined to make it work with him. I was really devastated about our break, so my ex treated me out for yogurt and movies. Even though it was completely innocent, I had a guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. My boyfriend and I argued alot because I was close friends with my ex. I refused to lose a good friend because a boyfriend shouldn't come in between friendships. When my boyfriend found out I went out with my ex, things became rockier than before. Most of our fights were about my ex, and now we aren't even together. He doesn't want to make things work with me, and my ex says he's still in love with me and has never gotten over me. FML, right?
In my opinion, as much as I'm against it and how much it sucks, I shouldn't have gone out with my friend. I value his friendship a whole lot, but I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I know that my friend will always be there no matter what. So now that I think about it, I should have followed my gut and said no and fixe things with my boyfriend.
Laaaamme.
if you don't like them and don't tell them then it's wrong .. but if you like them it's not.
@AznFier@xanga - anytime (:
I don't... it makes things awkward and i tend to loose there friendship.
@LifesCollage@xanga - I understand not wanting to lose friendships, but like many people in this post have said [yourself, as well, I believe], it's different when you've just met the person and their intentions aren't just friendship, as it obviously was with the guy at the bar. if it were like my situation, being friends with someone for years, it would be different.
chances are, she doesn't realize just how much it upsets you. that's how it was with my boyfriend and I. I had no idea that it upset him as much as it did, partly because he told me it wouldn't, but even when we began discussing it I didn't realize how much it hurt him until later on. you said you're a very open person, so maybe you should just try to explain to her how much it upsets you and that you don't think she realizes how much it hurts you. let her know that you need her to show that she actually cares about your feelings and opinions. she obviously does care if she beats herself up about hurting you; I'm sure you've already told her, but try to let her know that she doesn't only hurt you -- sometimes people need to hear things more than once before they start to believe them. (:
I think I understand how my boyfriend feels a little better since I read your post [thank you!]. plus a couple weeks ago, a similar situation happened and it was reversed. he hung out with a girl that used to have feelings for him and he used to have feelings for her, but he didn't tell me about it. he told me he was hanging out with one of his male friends, then later that night I saw pictures on her MySpace of them together, and they were very... questionable. I got very upset, naturally. we talked about it and he said that he didn't think it was a big deal to hang out with his friend and his friend's girlfriend, but I knew that she wasn't his friend's girlfriend; she'd added me to MySpace when my boyfriend and I first started talking, and I knew that her boyfriend was overseas [he's in the military]. I called him on that, and he said that he wasn't lying, he just still thought of them as together because they used to be together and they both obviously still have "a thing" for each other. I said, "so them being so far apart makes it okay for her to basically cheat on her boyfriend? how would you feel if I felt that way?" [we're in a long-distance relationship.] after talking about it for a while, he finally understood how I felt, and said that he wouldn't talk to her anymore. I didn't ask him to stop talking to her, but he said he would. he still hasn't deleted her from his friends list, though, but I'm guessing he just forgot.
It's wrong to lead people on (and I have been very guilty of this in the past, so I'm not pointing any fingers...just saying). However, if you make your intentions clear that you have no interest in this person, are not likely to develop any interest in this person, and possibly already have another interest/SO, then I don't see anything wrong with it. And I don't think it should be a problem in relationships...I don't mind when other girls flirt with boyfriend at all, I actually think it's kind of funny...because I know they aren't any threat to me.
I wouldn't do it, because people tend to act on their emotions with me. It would just get me in trouble, and I think it would be awkward. My boyfriend would be nervous about it too.