Wednesday, 01 July 2009
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Sharing My Fantasies Might Intimidate Him
Recently my SO and I have started talking about our sexual fantasies. I've never been a particularly bashful person, but when it comes to my fantasies...well, I'm a bit of a freak in my mind and just the thought of sharing my intense fantasies makes me blush.He knows that I've dabbled in BDSM ("Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism") and have a little bit of a freaky side, but it's more than a little in my fantasies. Whereas his are more...vanilla. I mean, he's totally open to the things that I'm into and is a little bit of a freak (he's into choking, spanking, hair pulling...things that are pretty basic to me), but I feel like sharing my intense (and I do mean intense) fantasies might...intimidate him or make him feel like these are things that I need or thrive on that he's not comfortable it.
Have you ever felt this way? Am I just being silly? Should I just suck it up and tell him?
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Comments (25)
If he's okay with choking and hair pulling, I wouldn't consider him vanilla. Isn't vanilla where they just want to participate in regular sex? Pretty much no "odd" fetishes (choking definitely fits in there) included?
Well, the thing is, you're in a relationship with him. If you two progress and get way serious, married, etc; you're going to have to get your sexual pleasure from somewhere. If these fantasies are important to you, for you to have a healthy sex life you'll need to tell him about them at some point or another. I mean, think about it; would you be happy having a vanilla sex life? If you're into extreme BDSM, I'd think not.
Just introduce him to your fantasies slowly, and cautiously. In a low key environment. Don't throw it all on him at once, because that could in fact be an overload. Then again, you don't know for sure whether your fantasies might trigger something in him.
Fantasies are fantasies. Just 'cause you have them doesn't mean you HAVE to do them, or that he has to. Make sure he knows that.
Suck it up and tell him, but do so carefully. Tread lightly. Don't burst out saying, "I'd like you to tie me up, gag me, and I'd like temperature and knife play to be involved! If you'd leave a few bruises I'd really love you."
Be casual. (:
You aren't being silly. Many people worry about this kind of stuff, otherwise there wouldn't be so many unhappy sex lives. It's healthy to discuss fantasies, and if he cares about you he won't leave just because you've got some wild ones.
You don't have to do everything you fantasize about. That's why it's called a fantasy. Take it slow, don't tell him everything all at once. If he freaks, worry more about your communication problems than potential sex problems. You should be able to tell him anything if it's love.
What pillowpixies said is spot on. Go slow, make sure he knows they're fantasies that don't necessarily need to be acted out, but don't be afraid to tell him. Just ...gently. Good luck!
I was worried about this as well when I first talked about sex with my current boyfriend. We both preffer the rougher sexual encounters. And there are things that each of us likes that the other isn't all that into. However, we only go into our major fantasies on occasion. You can still be quite happy with a sex life that isn't totally freaky as long as you get your doses of the good stuff when occassion calls for. Talk about the things that you like, definately, and make sure he tells you stuff he likes, too.
As a fellow fan of BDSM I understand where you're coming from, but I also understand how it can get a little intimidating as when I'm not as in the mood I kinda revert from that. My boyfriend and I normally have just regular old sex. But, every once in a while I'll give him the treat of being really forward and practically ripping his pants off, because he likes that. And he'll do the same for me in that every once in a while he'll grab my wrists and hold me down, because I like that. So, going off of how this patturn works, sometimes when we're both really worked up or if it's a special occassion or something we'll do some really crazy stuff for eachother. Try to explain it to him as you like this stuff, but you're not so crazy about it you have to do it and you'd only want him to go the extra mile every once in a while for maybe a special occassion or something or if he just wants to give you a special treat.
I don't know if I explained what I meant to say correctly, but if you get what I mean I hope this helped.
If your boyfriend not only expects that both of you CAN do everything he sees in pornography, but also that you will both -- and not just because one of you does -- even WANT to, then he needs a reality check. You don't need breasts which are any different than the breasts you have. He needs to recognize that a) a lot of what he sees in porn won't be things plenty of his female partners will even want to do (particularly given that most porn is made for men, and only to serve male interests) and b) if he's like most people, most of his sexual fantasy will be just that: fantasy, not reality. You're saying you DO share a lot of those sexual interests/fantasies, but he shouldn't expect that from partners. After all, adults are aware of parenting stage, well of course that includes, social, mental, physical, and even in economy aspect, indeed in unsecured loans.
Ehhh I dont know if i'd tell him...some things are sacred and don't forget you can never "untell" him LOL
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
I just read this title to my boyfriend while he was walking out the door, here's our convo:
Me-"Would sharing my sexual fantasies with you intimidate you?"
BF-"huh? what?"
Me-"Would sharing my sexual fantasies intimidate you?!?!?!?!"
BF-"ugh, I don't know. I gotta go."
...and that was it. So I would say he is. But, were also not as "freaky" as you are...so my fantasies are what you do normally. But, i thought i would share nonetheless.
no you should share them with us on datingish
My husband and I talk about our fantasies all the time. Although my situation is a bit differnet than yours. As my husband is just as big a freak as i am in the bed and in the mind whenit comes to fantasies. However whenit comes to speaking them, it canbe a bit difficult for me, and that is because i was raised that you didnt talk about this stuff. However over a period of time I was able to express them freely to him.
I think you should be honest with your SO. Honesty is best period no matter what the topic in my mind and life anyways. He might be abit intimated, and with good reason, if he hasn't ever ventured into the BDSM, beyond the basics of it. Yet he might be willing to look into them and try them for the experience. I would suggest finding a link with a list of different BDSM items and allow him to go througha nd select what he might be willing to try. Do the same for yourself and share them with each other. Then move form their and discuss each others comforts, and fears about it all. Maybe you will find a few of yours that he is willing to try.
When it comes to BDSM, it is always best to be honest about it, and to know your limits and those of your partners. I did this with every partner I have had since I found just how deep like the BDSM scene. It was important for me to know what they were interestedin and for them to know what i was interested in. I kept printed copies of the list around for peopel to read over and mark what they liked and didnt like.
I hope this helps you and I pasted a couple links below to some lists.
http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenplaylistnegoform.htm
Enjoy yourself
Illyria
Most everyone here seems to have pretty good advice. I don't have much to add. I would say if and when you do decide to share everything with him, maybe don't do it all at once, although that might be fine- just make sure when you do spill it, tell him how significant or insignificant your fantasies are in the realm of what you actually do or don't need to do. If they are just something you think about but don't feel the need to try, make sure he knows that. At any rate, make sure he knows your limits and that you know his.
From my experience, when one partner has a less-vanilla interest than the other, sharing can bring the two closer together. Even if they decide not to engage in it at the moment, if one is open to the possibility of some exploration and the other is happy not to push it, it can be such a good conversation to have. It's good to know where both people stand and that both are comfortable.Haha. This is funny.
just tell HIM to suck it up and that he's gonna have to like "pegging" because that's what i think you want to do to him. it's hot. and if he doesn't go for it, make him try. once he does that with you, he'll want it again and again.
i'd tell him...because if you really want to get it on the way YOU want, you have to be open about it. and if he thinks differently of you, then is he worth being with?
Fantasy is just a fantasy. Plus if he is an open-minded guy, it should be fine. I mean, I am a very open minded person, I can accept anything. No guarantee that I will actually do it but I
will not run away screaming if you tell me that your biggest turn on is
when you are hanging from the ceiling upside down wearing your
grandmother's artificial teeth while your fat drunken neighbor is
trying to shove his cat up your ass.
If he is the same way (in the open-mindedness) then it should be fine.
ease into it.... and make sure you pay attention to how much he's comfortable with. a guy i was dating once mentioned he'd love to string me up and smack me around, i guess he was testing my boundaries and i dont know how my facial expression has been, but i was kind of startled. i wished he might have been more considerate before he pushed me into the deep end of things so if you don't want to have your bf run for the hills, EASE into it. Baby steps... and repetition is definitely useful. leave it up to him to up the stakes a bit since you're more experienced in that field than he is and don't be frustrated if he'd like to hold onto the vanilla moments.
can't push him too far too soon, eh?
@pillowpixies@xanga - what she said. no literally lol
Mmm I wouldn't consider your boyfriend very vanilla...if he's vanilla, then I'm plain yogurt. I think the most deviant thing I've ever wanted is having my guy put a finger or two in my mouth during the act, and he's tied my wrists together with a ribbon before.
I'd suggest introducing your fantasies to him in small amounts, or you could casually joke about one when the topic comes up, and see how he responds when you don't directly ask him if he'd want to do it with you. Just don't throw everything at him at once; I'd feel rather bad if my SO told me all his fantasies and I was so freaked out by all of them that I would probably never agree to them. Then I'd know for sure all the fantasies he has that I don't feel comfortable fulfilling.
If he wants to know and he was definitely ok with hair pulling and choking then maybe you can release your sexual fantasies one by one. It's a fantasy, you guys don't have to act on it.
Bu if you guys ever act on it, use a code word other than 'stop', 'no' for him to stop doing whatever he's doing because it's really uncomfortable for you.
ALL THE TIME. In every single relationship i have been with i never talk about the things i am in to. i dont want to scare them away. I just shut up, but if you have the courage to tell them then do it
Bring him into things SLOWLY!!! You might hit the end of his comfort level very early on, and anything after that will scare him. If you try and get him to jump right in, you're likely to really freak him out.
You already know he's into a few things, so that's where you start. Just casually bring up, on a day where he's in a mood to do something like spank or choke you, "Hey, you know what might be fun? If we tried this...." and go from there. It lets both of you test the waters with his comfort level.
But if he's into choking and stuff, I'd say he's just a closet vanilla.
Bring him out of his little shell, and you might have yourself a nice kink-machine in the bedroom.
Hey there, I have never had such fantasies before because I guess they're pretty violent to me and/ or I lack the creativity of such fantasies. But if I had them, I'd just act them out with my SO and if he'd pull away, I'd just lessen the act in some way. I don't think you have to talk about it. If he's like then, i guess explain.
He doesn't sound intense or extreme, but neither does he sound "vanilla". I think you have to accept that your fantasies are more extreme than most. You have to both meet in the middle.
My fiance is the only one I have ever told about my deep down fantasies. I haven't told ANYONE before him because of how they reacted to a simple nibble before. So yeah... tread lightly... but that's just me.
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