Tuesday, 30 June 2009
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My BF Does Everything for His Friends But Not for Me
So, here's my problem, and I may be blowing it out of proportion: my boyfriend does every single thing for his friends, but when it comes to me, it's whatever.
Take today, for example:
Last night we went to our friend's 21st birthday party and we had good time. And getting the same amount of sleep, I woke up four hours earlier than Boyfriend did. So, instead of waking him up as soon as I got up, I let him sleep for another hour. Then, it turned into two hours. Then three. And four. Finally he got up because he had to use the bathroom; and when he came back, he asked what I wanted to do today.Now, put this into the equation: this was his first weekend off of work in a looooong time. I told him I wanted to mallrat it like the old days when we first started dating. So, he dropped me at home so I could shower and whatnot, and went to pick up his little brother and run an errand. Then, he called me back, and I was all spiffy and clean; and I thought he was going to tell me he was around the corner or something. Nope. He said, "want to go with everyone to CiCis?" And at that moment, for some strange reason, I got this ache in my chest. I asked him who was going, and I'm fine with all the guy friends for the most part; but a girl that he knows I don't like was going to be there...and he knew I was going to say no as soon as he mentioned her. So I said no. Then he said, "Okay, I'll just call you when I'm done."
And keep in mind, this obviously isn't the only time he's jumped a bridge for his friends, and has done shit for me. One time, he wouldn't even help me stretch out my leg (and the reason it needed to be done was because I was in a car wreck) in the morning. But, later that afternoon, his roommate called and said that her computer was broken. It ended up being that it was dead, and she couldn't charge it because one of her cats chewed the power cord. So, instead of just telling her what was wrong, and making her fix it herself, he drove literally all over town to find another power cord for her computer, ALL THE WHILE, using mine to charge her computer up. I was so pissed that day, and he doesn't even get why.
So maybe I'm crazy, but I'm just sick of him doing crap for his friends and when it comes to me - the girl he's been dating for a long time - and gives him every bit of freedom (that included kissing other girls, as long as I'm there because I'm comfortable in that part of our relationship) he can have - he could care less.
Here's a question:
Have any of you experienced this type of behavior from a SO? And if so, how exactly do you confront them without losing your cool? Is it even possible?
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- From: danceswithrats@xanga
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- About Me: I don't give a fuck what you think, so, save your breath for outer space.
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Comments (97)
Yep. I have. And I dumped his ass because of it. I don't mean over small things but big things (like you mentioned with your leg) and then running to help his friends every single time they called. It showed he that he wasn't really ready to be in a relationship.
Now, I am not saying that is what you should do but maybe you should have him read what you posted here then talk about it. Might help him see just how much it upsets you.
Pawnshop might be right as far as seeing if he'll try to be a little bit better about it, but honestly I'd break up with him. If he can't seem to do something with you, let alone something that is the result of a car crash maybe it should send up warning signals. Maybe he's just not ready for a serious relationship.
You let him kiss other girls? I really couldnt get any advice for you because thats a little too open of a relationship for me. >.<
Wait a second. It was "his first weekend off of work in a looooong time", and you get upset when he does what he wants to do? Give the man a break.
As for the other stuff, it seems a bit insensitive. Maybe explain this to him. He might not be aware he's hurting your feelings by being more loyal and helpful to his friends than he is to you.
I would say talk to him and let him know that this kind of behavior makes you very uncomfortable. If you guys have been dating for a while he may have got used to you and may be taking advantage of you and not know it. Or mixed priorities or something. Don't yell and get mad, but just tell him in a calm manner. It is possible to do, just mind over matter. Stay calm and focused.
@methodElevated@xanga - That too. After weeks and weeks of working, I'd want a real break as well!
Congrats on trying to be an open, caring, and understanding girlfriend.
If you actually want to succeed, communicate with him more than just giving him huge boundaries to bounce around in.
Is this an actual relationship or a one-sided relationship?
On that note, if it were exclusive I would never ever be okay with my BF kissing other girls.
Maybe he's being subtle that he wants to break up with you but doesn't know how to tell you so he does things to piss you off.
I'd break up with him if I were you, but that's just mean.
"I'd break up with him if I were you, but that's just mean."
I meant to say but that's just me* what I would do
I would absolutely break up with him if I were in your shoes. Sounds like he's very insensitive and immature. It kind of sounds like he's just taking advantage of you and your presence there as his girlfriend. You should be with somebody who cares for you more. As for kissing other girls...not sure what that's about, but sounds absurd to me if you two are in a serious relationship. Good luck!
Break up with him.
I've been in a relationship like this and it did not end well.
A good boyfriend should put you first. If he doesn't, he shouldn't be your boyfriend.
... Um wow. You let him kiss other girls? I don't even want to know what he does behind your back.
This relationship... doesn't even seem like one. Break up.
@DarkButtercup94@xanga - Then don't imply to your girlfriend that you'll go to the mall with her.
I haven't.
I can kind of understand where your coming from...
my bf would say we would do something or sometimes i come over and he's focusing on his parents b/s and all these other random things. also he wouldnt plan things well and one of his friends i didnt like who talked shit about me was there and we were supposed to spend time together and he had to go drop his friend off and go drive to some other guys house to get pot. [idk maybe im being weird but i just like one on one time with my bf....]
plus i cant believe you let him kiss other girls! i would never allow that, thats crazy. i get weirded out over a hug...ha. but thats just me. :)
sorry about your situation.
I guess I'm not an understanding girlfriend, but jesus if I were in you shoes he would heard all that from me in no time. That's no way, how to treat your girl.
I understand what you're feeling exactly, and I am just as confused as you are.
My boyfriend said he would skip some event because he wasn't needed, he was tired, and that he'd rather spend time with me. The next day, he goes to the event.. and doesn't even let me know. I waited for him the entire day.. until around 8pm, I figured he wasn't gonna come around. Finally, he contacted me at 9pm saying he went to the event, went to eat with his friends, and is now hanging out with them. Isn't that incredible? He acts innocent. His excuse: he simply forgot.
I really don't know what to do... I'm just hurt like you are.
Anyway, I think he's taking you for granted. That's the bottom line. But how to fix that? I would like to know also..... I'm thinking some time apart might open his eyes, but I'm not sure. A lot of people seem to think taking a break doesn't do any good. sigh...
Hope things get better for you. Hope he starts treating you the way you deserve.
oh and to answer your question: I pretty much just blew up at him and I'm too hurt to even talk to him anymore. Not saying that's the best way.. but yeah, I couldn't help it.
There's a fine line between making sure you give your guy plenty of "freedom" and simply letting him take you for granted. Because he totally IS taking you for granted. If you've tried to talk to him about this problem and he still just doesn't understand what on EARTH you could be upset about, he may be a hopeless cause. Evaluate the relationship. What are you getting out of it? It's cool to let a guy hang with his friends or whatnot, but the incident with the leg/dead computer was WAY over the top. He has his priorities wrong, wrong, wrong. If things like this keep happening, I think it would probably be best for you to get out. If he loves you he needs to show it by making you a top priority, by at least asking you if it's okay for him to change his plans after he's made some with you. Even if it was his first day off in a century and he could do what he wanted, since he had already made plans for you two to do something together he STILL needed to at the very least call you first. That's great that you're very secure, even to the point of letting him kiss other girls. But make sure you're not just trying to keep him happy at all costs. Make sure you know that you have every right to be the most important person to him in the whole world. Make sure that you know you are worth his time and trouble. I've struggled with an almost subconscious fear of being "a bother" to people, including my guy, but he lets me know that I'm important to him and when I need something it's never too much of a bother, because he loves me. Perhaps the reason he takes you for granted is because you let him, kind of. You get upset when he really blows it, (naturally!!!!) but you inconvenience yourself for him all the time so he may get to thinking it's his right. He needs to respect you more. Is this a dealbreaker for you?
Communication is good. If clear communication about what desperately needs to change in this relationship doesn't work, I strongly encourage you to bid him farewell for his good as much as yours, and make sure he knows why. But if you've been together for a long time, and this hasn't been the pattern of the entire relationship (or even if it has), he may see the error of his ways and listen to you. I hope so. Good luck!I can totally get where you're coming from. I've been in that exact position before. I feel very comfortable with my relationship decisions, so I'm okay with my guy doing things with other girls as long as I'm aware of it. I have very open relationships like that. However... some guys actually NEED the boundaries or else they go wild and forget about their girlfriend. I'm not saying that you need to have him tied down, but you need to start giving him a little less leash.
I'll explain how it should work using my current relationship. The way that I act determins the way that he acts. I am completely okay with him kissing and flirting with other girls, as long as he tells me about it and keeps me aware. However, since I have the respect not to even think about other guys (or girls) in that way he chooses not to take advantage. Because he's showing me the same respect that I show him. I once spent hours out in the freezing cold winter night with him even though we had no guarentee that we would do anything more, and we didn't, just so I could spend some time with him. Now he comes over to see me every chance he gets, even if it's only for a few minutes, just so he can spend some time with me. I put my boyfriend first. So he puts me first. It's an unspoken agreement to be willing to do for the other exactly what they are willing to do for you.
Since you are the one that noticed this you can tell him how it makes you feel... or, if you wanna make sure it really gets through to him you can hint towards it and then show him what you mean by treating him exactly the way he treats you. The relationship will either fix itself, or be doomed to fail no matter what you do.
Chances are that he's not really that into you anyway. It seems more like he is becoming interested in some other female friend.
@DistantStarlight@xanga - Listen to her. She made even more sense than I did.
@bluetrashcan@xanga - Since when was this about me? Just trying to see all sides of the story here. Sure the guy has his reasons for being helpful for his friends, and the girl has hers for feeling left out.
Well duh...you give him way too much freedom. Try telling him that you don't appreciate being treated like crap. And if you end up losing your cool, maybe it's because you have a right to--or at least you would have a right to get angry if you weren't being so lenient with him.
Well, unfortunately, it sounds like you guys aren't that exclusive. He wouldn't be kissing other girls if he wanted to be fully devoted to you and your relationship so obviously you really can't get mad. Talk to him about being more serious.
i went through the same thing about a couple of months ago. i let him do whatever he wants and he treated me like crap for it. all he cared about was to hang out with his friends more than me. so we officially eneded. dont let anyone treat u bad. u deserve someone who is willing to put u first and not their friends.
To be honest from the example you gave it sounds like you're overreacting. But I dont know.
It seems like you've brought this upon yourself. You're being incredibly lenient with him and then get upset when he goes off to play in those wide boundaries you set for him.
Tell him straight up things need to change. If not, oh well.
My mom seems to be in this situation right now. Her husband works constantly and whenever she wants to do something he's always too busy. A recent example is that she's been wanting to watch the hangover for a couple weeks but he always has work to do. However whenever his friends are up for something he makes time for them. My mom has decided to just become more independent. If he isn't going to make time to watch the movie with her then she'll go with her friends.