Tuesday, 30 June 2009
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"I Gave You A Massage with Nothing In Return, So...No"
My BF and I went on a trip about a month ago to celebrate our anniversary. During the trip, we were intimate but didn't have intercourse because we have decided to keep that out of our relationship (we are waiting). He pleasured me even though I wasn't in the mood. Later during the trip, he tried to again; I told him no and he said he would give me a massage afterward. I again said no but that I would take the massage. He kept persisting but I wouldn't give in. A month later, a lot has changed - we have been fighting a lot and barely talking. Today we had a great date until we went back to his parents' house to watch a movie. We made out for a while before he finally said "I give up, let's put on the movie" I was confused and he wouldn't tell me what he meant. Halfway through the movie, my back and feet were really sore from the day's trip/date so I asked him if he could rub them for me. He not only said no, but said that he wasn't going to do it anymore. When I asked him why, he said "you should know why, think back to a time..." I played dumb and made him tell me.
He said, "during our trip, I pleasured you and gave you a massage with nothing in return so I'm not going to give you a massage until you pleasure me".
I'm not that type of girl. I was in a relationship about a year ago with someone who was very manipulative (so I know now not to fall for it). I stayed silent for a little bit then finally spoke up and told him how I felt about the comment and how it's not gonna work like that because he is not going to pressure me into things. He accused me of using his words against him and when I quoted them back to him he tried to cover it up by saying he was joking and didn't mean it that way, how he knows what he wanted to say but it didn't come out that way, which is total BS. I again quoted his words to him and told him he wouldn't have said what he did how he did if he didn't mean it.
And now I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go? Do you think he is just "using me"? What about the fact our relationship has changed so much over the last month (not talking, fighting, etc.)? Basically I just want your opinions and advice on what you would do in this situation.
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- From: LAW06@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2405 Comments: 0 101 View all posts by LAW06@xanga
Comments (103)
Um. Good luck finding a guy who will wait to have sex?
...... :)
sounds like typical male libido. give the poor guy a handjob lol. Just kidding tell hi8m your not comfortable with that
Well you would know him better than us, he may be frustrated...but you are right, he should not be pressuring you. I say if he made you uncomfortable enough and he persists to act that way, leave. but if he backs off and respects you the way he should - see where it goes.
Just fuck and get it over with already or at least give him a blow job or a hand job at least! Damn.
@emmaleaaa@xanga - I'm 28 and am waiting to have sex.
sounds like he's bitter because he was DENIED. lol
you kinda blew his ego there.
dont fall for his words. keep waiting...and good luck.
Kick him in his junk and run.
It works for just about everything.
@emmaleaaa@xanga - There are probably alot more than you think.
Relationships are give and take. If you weren't ready to move the relationship to a point where you can be comfortable being more intimate with eachother when he "pleasured" you, then you are the one at fault (especially if you weren't "in the mood" at the time which you should have told him and if he didn't respect that and you gave in to make him happy, then you were manipulated once again). True he's being a little immature about this, but you aren't being totally fair either. You need to either man up and admitt you weren't ready for that step and want to continue taking it slow or break up. Sorry, but you kind of got yourself into this one (again, he has no right to expect or pressure you into anything, but if you weren't ready you should've said no).
I assume you mean your one year anniversary? If so, and if he went a full year before getting all fussy, I'd say that gives him a few points. Him suddenly acting like an ass isn't that great, however.
You said in your post that you didn't have intercourse and that you both decided to keep that out of your relationship. Sounds to me, from what you've said, that it wasn't a mutual decision; or that it is no longer a mutual decision. If he's wanting sex, it's you that's wanting to wait on it, not him. Or is he just trying to get a blowjob or something? :/ I mean really, if he pleasures you and you do nothing for him, that's kind of.. crappy.
So you don't want to have sex, tell him. Tell him that your opinion on that is still the same. From there on it just matters if he's still got that same opinion.
To me it doesn't sound like he's using you, it sounds like he's just extremely frustrated. A situation like that is workable, but depends on what you're willing to do for him.
The pleasure for pleasure reasoning is kinda silly. A person should do it to do it, not do it to "get theirs".
Did you BOTH agree to waiting? Or did you say it first and he agreed?
I think that this is definately not a situation that is worth leaving the relationship for. He wants to keep things equel, and I don't blame him. There is nothing worse then being in a relationship where you are giving more of an effort in those types of situations then the other person (not saying that he always is, obviously I don't know,) Just do it, he did it for you, he didnt go about asking you correctly, but it's definately not worth breaking up about.
Define "we were intimate but we didn't have intercourse.." & "He Pleasured me.."
If it's what I think it is, but I could be wrong, then in my personal opinion, I think that's a little selfish. There are a few things you can do to satisfy him and you won't have to give in to sex. Boys will be boys, and there are quite a few who leave girls for not "pleasing" their man. You can wait and see what happens while telling him how you feel. Or you can talk to him and see what you can do to please him without having sex so you can both be happy.
you can't just take without giving
I think everyone is pretty right about this. A relationship is all about give and take. If one person feels like they are doing all the "giving" then they may be frustrated. But props to you for waiting, thats got to involve a lot of self control.
Is there something wrong with giving him a massage? I think it's hard enough for him to not have sex without you not budging on what he wants [besides, obviously, sex].
how is he "using you" by talking you into letting him "pleasure you" and giving you massages? reciprocate (the massages, at least) or stop being "intimate" with him altogether. you can't just take without giving. eye roll.
The first time I read this post I was on your side. I then read it twice more and looked at the comments and totally see it from his angle now.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt, with regards to "it didn't come out the way I intended'. I don't think he was trying to blackmail you so much as saying, in exasperation, "I've given you massages, pleasured you (did you tell him you didn't want it...?), and get absolutely nothing in return. It's my turn to be pampered".
The "I give up" was sexual frustration. You were making out, he got horny, and knew it wasn't going to go anywhere.
A lot of people here seem to be saying, "Just give the guy a break and do it." I disagree with that. A guy that pleasures a girl and gives her massages and pampers her just so he can get pleasure in return? Too many guys are like that. Sounds to me like he's just trying to make you happy so he can finally get laid. But that's just the extreem version. He could very well just be frustrated.
Either way, yes, a relationship is both give and take. You were being fair. You were not giving, so you refused to take. However, by continuing to say that he would allow you to take despite your refusal he cancelled out his right to have you give. It would have been different if you had asked for a massage and did nothing in return, but he offered thus removing any responsibility of compensation from you. Especially since you did not even want what he was giving in the first place.
If I am interpreting his words and actions correctly, he is going to continue to try to guilt trip you. If you stay with him and continue to refuse to have sex there are a couple different things that can happen. He might get the hint that he's in the wrong and adjust his attitude, thus showing respect and care for you. Or he might have the mentality that you don't "put out" and break up with you just based on that and move on to the next girl if you don't beg for him back saying you'll have sex with him to keep him, whereas he wasn't worth it to begin with anyway. Or he could stay with you and just get worse and worse to the point where he starts becoming abusive. The first and third possibilities are not likely. Especially not the last one, so you don't have to worry too much. I'd put my money on him leaving because you don't "put out."
If he really cares about you he'll change his tune. Stick to what makes you comfortable and what you feel is right for you.
@Viserys@xanga - Yeah, I meant to say what this person did. While your refusal did put him in the wrong for persisting, I believe, you still can give him credit for wating this long and the benefit of the doubt considering that... er... I don't know how to phrase it other than what she said. He's sexually frustrated. Sometimes people, not just guys, don't know how to express things like that without seeming like they're on a one-track-mind or like they're being self-absorbed jerks.
Sorry if I sound confusing. I'm having difficulty trying to figure out how to explain what I mean for this one.
I don't think he's using you. I think that on your anniversary, he just wanted to show you that he love you and cares about you. Like everyone else is saying, relationships are give and take. Seems like he's giving you a lot. You don't have to give in and give him sex. If you guys have been together for a year, I'm sure he's willing to wait longer. However, he IS a guy. Most guys have that need that they want satisfied by the woman they love. Could it really hurt to give him a little something back?
i dont k now doesnt sound right to me.
even he wants you to pleasure him back in anyway, its not right to word it like that.
i would just dump him.
@testubebaby@xanga - times that by two.
and I never understand why couples want to wait on the sex, but pour on the oral.
they go hand in hand in my mind, but that's my personal opinion.
anyways, sounds like the guy wants something in return,
if you aren't comfortable, tell him.
if he wants more and you don't, break up with him.
xo
Frustration is a real bitch, especially if the guy feels he's doing alot and getting nothing back (and I'm even talking non sexual here). Not that it's a waste of time, but as with any investment, you expect to see a return, and while you may not be "that kind of girl" grow some fucking balls, tell him to stop touching you if you don't want to:
a) give him the wrong idea
b) reciprocate the action
c) let him think it's alright to molest you in that way
by not saying anything the first time you really fucked shit up. If you really have such strong convictions, you should have acted on them then, not just when it's convenient for you, like when your bf is sexually frustrated...