I had my own views about abortion. I wasn't necessarily for or against it. I could see the pros and cons for both sides of the argument and at the end of the day, I would just say, "people are going to try to do what they think is best. It may not be the best, but at least they're trying."
About two months ago, I saw on Facebook that my friend was back together with her ex-boyfriend. They had been together since high school, but recently split this past fall; I'm not sure what happened, all I know is that it was "bad" and that she couldn't ever forgive him for what he did. I knew that he was controlling in the relationship, and that he'd often force her into engaging in sex - the kind of forcing that wasn't construed as rape since she'd always give in and agree, because she "loved" him and didn't want to upset him or make him leave. Well, when I heard the news they split up, I was glad. So when I saw all their pictures on Facebook of them kissing and looking dreamily at each other, I rolled my eyes and shook my head, incapable of understanding why she would get back together with him.
Two weeks ago I found out why. Apparently, last fall, she was pregnant. Since neither one wanted a kid at this point in their lives - they're both in college - she had an abortion. As I sat across from a mutual friend that was telling me all this, I had nothing to say. What
could I say, you know?
There are a few shows on TV about teen pregnancy: The Secret Life of the American Teenager and 16 and Pregnant come to my mind right off the bat. I can't help but picture my friend as Amy from The Secret Life; if she were to keep the baby, what would've happened? That's all I can think about it: if she kept the baby...but I also see that right now, neither of them could handle being a parent and caring for a child.
I'm still very confused about how I feel about this. I think what bothers me the most is that my friend never even told her parents. I know it must be a tremendously difficult thing for her to go through, but I would've wanted the support and help from my family if I were in a situation like that.
I'm concerned about my friend and her relationship with her boyfriend. I want to voice my opinion about how he treats her, regardless of the abortion that happened. She is my friend and I want what's best for her, but I don't think that this guy is the best for her. Should I even say anything, or just leave her alone?
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Comments (24)
To be honest, it seems that the whole abortion part is a totally different issue off topic from what you're talking about.
If your friend isn't lying then the boyfriend sounds like kind of an asshole for forcing her to have sex. But at the same time your friend is kind of an idiot for staying with someone who would break up with her just because she didn't want sex at a moment.
(Though let me make a quick point: having sex in a relationship, in general, is a reason to break up. I believe sex is an important part of any relationship -whether you have it or not- and if two people aren't compatible sexually then it will most likely cause problems later on.)
As for the abortion thing, I don't see a problem. They got pregnant, neither of them wanted a baby, and they got an abortion and decided the matter was too personal/private to tell their families. When I got my abortion it was the same deal. My then boyfriends family knew because they paid for it. But as for my family we simply aren't that close and it's something I chose to keep private and secret. It's been almost 3 years and I still refuse to tell them. Whenever the subject of sex or pregnancy comes up I still get nervous.
Oh... my... God... Another one? Not to be rude, but this story is so old. Just to let you know now, there is absolutely nothing you can do at this time. I had a friend in a similar situation, but it wasn't so extreem. She was absolutely crazy about this senior at our high school. She was always talking about how he was so handsome and so talented and how he made her feel special. He never forced her to have sex. He didn't have to. She went to him begging. But he wasn't exactly... faithful. He had on several occassions cheated on her with several other girls and cheated on all of his girlfriends with several girls, often including my friend. All of the girls loved him... except the ones that had any sense. She would always forgive him even though she knew he would do it again and again because... well... to be honest she is the most.. er....... "loose" of all my friends.
The point is that she "loved" him and would always let him use her... and once was completely oblivious to the fact that I was upset by her ditching me for him as she hopped into his cherry red convertible (which was dirty and had dents) while she was walking me home from school, forgetting about how I had just at that moment been talking about how much I hated him and how I would be upset if she left me just to go screw him. Oh yeah, and he was dating another girl at the time. Next time I see her the first thing she talks about is how she got laid in the back seat of his car. I quickly killed her mood by telling her how pissed off I was. She appologized for it and it never happened again, but that was partially because she made sure to never mix her scheduals with me and him due to how I kept threatening to kick him in the groin so hard he would never be able to get it up again. Always complaining "don't hurt my Bo!" Then she would complain to me whenever he did something assinine and by the end of the conversation would have finished up by spending at least five minutes talking about how much she loved him. He had several girls like this. Girls that would kill someone just for insulting him on a minor scale... I never met those girls. I avoided them because I was afraid I'd strangle them before they had the chance to even try to kill me.
The part that gets me is that from what I'd heard I at least expected someone that would register on my mental radar. When I finally did have an encounter with him, where my friends made sure to hold me back so I wouldn't grab the nearby pole and give him brain damage, I got to know what he was really about. The girls all said he was so sweet, but he talked to them like they were property, and he wasn't even smooth about it, not even bothering to compliment or woo them or anything. I got a good look at him....... not at all what I was expecting. He was one of the single most revolting people appearance-wise I had ever seen. He looked like he had just gotten out of jail! His nose was bulbous and scrunched up and he had one of those gaudy, thin beard/moustache things which accentuated the fact that he was chubby and making him look fat instead and he had these tiny eyes that were set deep into his skull so you could barely see them, especially because he always had his eyebrows furrowed so you could only see a sliver of white from his eyes to show that he actually had eyes rather than just two huge gaps shrouded by the shadow cast by his own bristly face. Oh, and talented my ASS! They claimed his voice was his most attractive feature. He could not sing for shit. I would say it was more like an obnoxious, monotone yelling of words that do not even make sense when put together. That day I had almost completely lost hope in humanity.
I often talked to her about this, even made threats when I was angry enough. Nothing worked. The only thing that got the cycle to end was when he graduated and completely dissapeared from the town except to check up on the girl he had impregnated, whom he ended up dumping without a single word to her (yes, he just up and left) only two months later. She stopped oogling over him because he wasn't there anymore. However, I still haven't heard the last of him. Basically, you can't do shit about it. I was lucky to keep my friendship with her, but most girls like that end up becoming angry if you even suggest anything bad about the person. She's a lost cause unless a miracle happens. Just be there to give her support in case of that miracle, cuz it won't seem like a miracle to her untill she's in a real relationship.
Is it the abortion that bothers you or the fact that the abortion didn't tear them apart? I think you should figure that out before you try to talk her into doing something you think is right.
Yeah you were kind of off subject, but I think you should say something to her. She kind of sounds crazy... so maybe not. We dont know your friend or how she would react so none of us would really know what you should do.
Welcome to 2009. When you're too turned on, you forget condoms. Or, if the guy is a prick and wants to "feel moar, feel bettar". If they're responsible, the guy should just wear a super thin and sensitive condom.
If I was in your shoes, I'd confront the guy since your friend Amy is blinded by love. She doesn't know what abortion does to her body, and it's NO good. It's PERMANENT damage, not temporary.
Love sucks for a reason.
Abortions can bring people closer. Do not let the fact that he could of changed now. She will be in a lot of pain right now, even if she doesn't think she is. He may of realized how much pain he caused her. People can change, and he may love her.
Just be there for her. Comfort her. Do not judge her, even with the relationship. Express your fear about her relationship, but not in a "in your face" way.
I would wait a bit before confronting her, like what others said, he may have changed despite how unlikely that may be.
I believe losing someone in any traumatic incident like an accident or an abortion would actually bring a couple closer. The incident strengthens their bond and make them more vulnerable towards each other's emotions.
If you're a close friend of hers you could try voicing your opinion, but in the end it's her business and her choice.
Since women are naturally stupid. You have to convince her to leave that jackass of a boyfriend. Nothing should be "forced", otherwise it's an unfair and controlling relationship that could possibly lead to some emotional weakness or abuse. If you don't tell her now, she'll never leave him. I'm tired or young women making terrible decisions because they claim to be "in love" with someone who doesn't even show concern. All in all, women are attracted to jerks, because it's probably all they can get. Convince her that there are good men out there, better than her current boyfriend. Sure, they're practically an endangered species, but they're out there..
Forgive my sexism, I tend to facepalm myself when women get themselves into situations like these. It happens more often than you think..
Oy vey.
-Kunoichi
@KrazeeKunoichi009@xanga - I hate the way you said that, despite the fact that you are 100,000% fucking correct. Women are slaves to their emotions; blind to love, and alcoholics of that fanciful tonic called Nostalgia. Because of that, they keep damaging themselves and their friends they keep crying to. Jerks have no conscious faking real emotion and care to them, which is why they keep falling for them. It's especially disgusting when after the seventh or so time when they know EVERYTHING that can happen, they still keep going back. Samantha, a friend of mine, told me that it's testosterone. Like, if a guy and a girl ever shared something intimate between the two of them, the girl will keep allowing the ex to come back into her life no matter how he wrongs her (and judging from the shit my friend went through and how much she's forgiven him, I find this to be true). She admits that it makes no fucking sense, but that's what it is. From a guy point of view, it makes no sense and is just furthering themselves for future damage, but from a female's standpoint, it makes sense. I think it's just an excuse because they can't cut out the bad things that happen to them in relationships and won't ever try to change anything.
As for you poster: I will relay a scenario between me and a friend of mine and see if you can get it through that.
Her: "He hurts me left and right. He ignores me, calls me a "child killing bitch" and is too controlling. I want to break up with him and get him out of my life."
Me: "Yeah, I believed that the first four times. But this is the thirteenth cycle we've gone through. Here's what's going to happen. Day one, you'll be this pissed off. Day three, you will cool off and you will listen to him. Day five, you will have forgiven him by his crafty manipulation techniques and your lack of will and ability to discern right from wrong or the fact that you won't get rid of him because "it's too mean to do that". Day seven, you're knocking boots with the guy. Finally, he screws up and we're back to this shit again. It may not happen in day span, but one day, in one way or another, he'll win you back."
Her: "I mean it, I swear to god I'm going to learn my lesson and never forgive him."
Me: "I believed that the first four times as well. Yet, here we are again dealing with the same problem that should've been resolved the first or second time (benefit of the doubt aside) this happened. Besides, if you've learned your lesson then, why did all this happen again hm?"
Her: "What can I do?"
Me: "Nothing I can help you with. I don't want to be cold or anything, but you won't change anything. No matter how many times people who DO love you and care about you try to help you see the truth, you allow him to manipulate and sucker you. It is your heart and your choice to give him another shot or to leave him behind. I've tried to tell you that you are the one with all the power and you keep giving into him because he either tricks you or persists on you. It's one thing to be nice, but if you are being miserable and giving yourself and what you want up for him, then you're being naive and gullible."
Her: "Why won't you help me?"
Me: "Because you're not going to listen, nor will anything change. I am your friend and I always will be, no matter how many times we go through this. No matter what I'm going to keep helping you out. However, I'm getting sick and tired with you dealing with a person who treats you like shit and it's obvious to EVERYBODY but YOU!! We all get and give the benefit of the doubt, but he's done unforgivable shit and still you run back to him? This isn't like "Oh, he's had a bad day and I broke his balls". I'll always be here to listen to you vent, cry, and complain. Despite the fact that nothing's going to change, I'm going to advise you and keep an eye out for you. That's what friends do. Even though my advice pretty much gets pissed in the wind, I still believe you will learn...eventually."
I've gone through the same exact thing you have poster. Because she is your friend, you will always care about her and try to help her out no matter what happens. That is what true friends do. However, if this keeps up after awhile, you will eventually become embittered by the whole thing and start to take a cyncial tone with her. Frankly, keep fighting this and you run the risk of straining your friendship with her. It's just as an above poster said: She loved him and because of that she will always let him use her.
I speak both as a cynic and as a friend who has already dealt with this for so long: There really won't be anything you can do. She will always have feelings for him because she is so abused by this that he's broken her self-esteem to the level that he is all she can get and he is the only one who can truly love her for whatever the reason. There is nothing you can do about it. Just be there for her when she falls and be ready to deal with the crap again.
Well, it has nothing to do with you so, yeah, leave her alone.
Actually, do whatever the hell you want.
this is an angry, angry comment area.
=/
You can tell her you don't like how her bf treats her but I'm sure you know that in the end it's up to her. It hurts to see a friend in a crappy relationship but she needs to figure things out for herself and that may require her to suffer.
As for the abortion, again, I'm sure you know that was her choice. Are you thinking that maybe he forced her into doing that? When I was 17 I got pregnant and my bf told me he'd leave me if I didn't get an abortion. I was completely blinded by "love" for him so I did and he left me 4 months later. Abortions can break people apart and they can bring people together.
hmmm.
it's not your problem, or your nasty boyfriend, so leave it alone.
no one likes a busybody.
and also, they make the pill for a reason.
I'm in a similiar situation as your friend I got pregnant when I was 20 by my partner who was 41 except he had a girlfriend and I was the other woman. My mom was the first person I told and then I told him 5 days later he was a crying mess and wanted me to abort my pregnancy its something I don't believe in so I took a stand told him I was keeping my child and continuing on with the pregnancy I was lucky because he manned up he told me I care about you more than you will ever know my daughter is now almost 5 months old him and I arent like we use to be but he comes every week to see his daughter he supports his daughter and he understands why I didnt let him control me and tell me what to do. Im working on putting our relationship back together I want my daughters dad their full time and he is the love of my life.
You can talk to her and tell her that she deserves the best out there and for her to think about if he could be the best thing for her now and in the future. That's all you can do...give suggestions and when time comes...be there for her.
the abortion thing. She didnt tell her fsmily since it is something very personal. You wouldnt understand unless you have been throught it.
If she wants your advise she will ask for it. Just be a good friend
If you care about your friend, I think you should be more concerned about how she's feeling NOW than whether or not abortion has caused a breakup with her clearly-asshole boyfriend. You shouldn't be wondering how it"s not "right" about not telling her family or how it's not "right" about being back with him because ultimately it is not YOUR business or relationship. The only person you should be concerned about is your friend; is she feeling okay? how is she coping with this? did the asshole go with her to get the abortion? is she having nightmares, etc.
I think you're making judgments; it's inevitable, we all do it, than thinking about this objectively. If he's an asshole and you haven't said anything to her before they broken up and before you've found out why they did break up, maybe you should talk to her about what you do know instead of following through hearsay. And I wonder why it is that your third party source knew about it but not you, did your friend try to keep it from you because you might never understand?
erm i really don't get how the subject goes along with the topic...
at this point, you just have to leave her alone and just let things go and be her friend whether you support her decision or not.
say something. As her friend, you should say something. Hopefully she'll listen to you. If not, you tried.
@KrazeeKunoichi009@xanga - Agreed, I'm a girl and I'll be the first to say - we're stupid, but then again so are men. It can go both ways. Just like not all women are that naive. Some actually have a decent head on their shoulders and know to pull away. On the other hand, who are we to decide if they're really in 'love', or not? We don't feel the same emotions they do, it's possible maybe they are in love. Who knows?