Miss Rhino
He knew from the very beginning that this wasn't going to be a relationship. The circumstances surrounding us just weren't conducive to it. I had one semester left until graduation. We would be in two different states come the summer time. And on top of it all, I just wasn't looking for anything too serious in my concluding days of college. But we liked each other. And his one stipulation was that he was never going to be second to anyone else. So we were dating. And we were exclusive. But it wasn't going anywhere. Those three things I knew for sure. And I thought he did too. However, two weeks before graduation he decided to prematurely pull the plug on our little arrangement.
He said he couldn't date someone he knew he didn't have a future with.
Well, we said from the beginning there could not and would not be a future. We were just enjoying each other's presence for the time being.
He said we were getting too attached.
I can't speak for him, but I was doing just fine.
He said neither of us knew what to expect from this, but he wanted to find out. And he found out we would never be a couple.
Brutal.
When it began, I thought it was going to be great. He was an amazing person, and I was glad for the time we would share. But I knew it had an expiration date. It wasn't until I was dealing with the aftermath of our arrangement that I realized what a horrible idea it had actually been. It left me feeling like while I was under the impression that this was light-hearted and fun, he was actually doing a test run to see if I was relationship-worthy. And I failed. If only I had known this from the beginning, I probably would have taken it a little bit more seriously.
It's safe to say I will never put myself in a situation like this again. It caused me too much self-doubt for what it was actually worth. I found myself agreeing with him. I simply cannot date someone I know I don't have a future with.
Could you date someone if you knew it wasn't going anywhere? Your SO is great, as is the relationship, but you know he or she isn't "The One." Do you break things off or see where the relationship takes you, even if it may be a dead end?
Comments (31)
I suppose it depends on the person:
1) One may enjoy the time spent together with the other, no matter what happens in the future (remain together or break up)
2) One may not want to waste time and effort in a relationship that has no future, and therefore, chooses to save both time, effort, and heartache before falling in too deep.
I'm beginning to think that one reason why relationships last and why people "settle down" is due to circumstances. I.e. -- right time, right place in one's life.
Even if you do find somebody who would be relationship-worthy, would it work out if one person is not in the "right time, right place" of his/her life?
Honestly, I think that is why everyone 'dates'. You never know what is going to happen with someone so isn't it always a trial run in the beginning? Be it one date, a few dates, or a few months...aren't we all going through that to see if there is something there?
I just don't see how its avoidable.
I don't think I could date anyone for very long once I realized he's not right for me. But that's just me.
I guess the "Could you date someone if you knew it wasn't going anywhere" is relative. I mean, no one really knows if any one person is "The One". I used to have that concept in my head - that you need to date someone if they're the One - and just recently, my current boyfriend and I had a fight about this very issue.
[Background info: I was cheated on before by an ex who dormed at UC Irvine, only an hour or so away from where I lived, and I actually thought we'd be "together forever" but I guess our barely LDR never came close to surviving since we were on-off all the time].
Long story short, I was in your shoes, thinking that the whole arrangement was a for-funsies deal (we had been dating for a little over a quarter). So when I came to visit him (since he lived 10 hours away in Norcal while I lived in Socal), he asked me why I never seemed to try as hard as him in the relationship on many levels (solving problems, communicating, going above and beyond in cute actions to show I cared, etc). So I told him that I thought it was a just-for-fun-see-what-happened relationship, that it's not like we're dating with the goal of marriage or "staying together forever because we're in love" since we have different plans for our post-undergrad lives (aka different grad schools in different states, probably). I realized that I just couldn't invest time + energy + love and get my heart broken again by a relationship with a possible expiration date and a necessary LDR). I am definitely not a fan of LDRs because they kill your patience and sanity slowly and painfully.
He even said at one point during the fight that he wanted to break it off. When I shedded my tears of shock and asked if he didn't want the relationship anymore, he took it back, and I figured it was just the accumulated stress of being apart for the next few months. I'd brought up the possibility of breaking it off various times over the past month due to the distance. I'm a very "What-if THIS happens" person and believe me when I say I brought up the possibility of a plethora of dead end situations for the relationship. But he always begged me back. He said, "If I didn't go through with this relationship and let it go during the summer, and we never get back together, it'd be something I'd regret for a very long time. I really like you, and I know we agreed on this being short-term. But if you never want to try then how can we even have a chance at making it into a long-term?"
Moral of the story: Take it one step at a time. Trust and communicate with your partner before both partners are butt-hurt and the situation can't be fixed.
So... we're currently still trying, and while I obviously have no clue what's going to happen tomorrow, next year or when I'm 30 with anything, let alone this wonderful man, I have plenty of reasons to keep our relationship. I am really lucky that he's been fighting my stubbornness all this time to stay together.
mZdejavuZ@xanga also brought up the "right time, right place" issue. It is a big issue in most relationships' durations. Again, it's up to the partners to decide, and if you want to wait for your partner, then wait. Just don't expect them to come running into your arms after you wait, because it IS their choice and risk of a broken heart is necessary in relationships.
Isn't that why you date? To try and find someone to HAVE a future with?
...it just strikes me as odd that you would even get into a relationship with the knowledge that you didn't want it going anywhere. I mean, if you liked each other, then you should have tried to work things out or gotten over the fact that you "didn't want anything too serious" and tried a long-distance-relationship. If you liked him because the two of you had fun, then you should have just remained friends and continued to have fun. If there was a sexual aspect to it, then why didn't you just call it FWB? You said he wouldn't be second to anyone else...once again, if you were willing to date him because you sincerely liked him and you were also willing to have the exclusivity that comes alongside being girlfriend/boyfriend, then you'd think that the two of you would have tried working it out.
And then what totally blew me away was the fact that you weren't getting attached...which is sort of the point of a relationship as well. You get attached to each other because you like each other. Did you like him or not?
I'll date them up until the point where it becomes clear there's no hope of a future, but thats it. I did date a guy once knowing it would end when we all went home for the summer, and it got pretty ugly towards the end. No fun having a countdown timer on a relationship :(
I'm confronted with this option pretty often at work because most of my extremely-attractive coworkers are only going to be living in-state for a short while. I have the option to date them for six months and maybe sleep around some, or keep them as "just friends" and wait for a serious relationship to come along.
Thus far, I've always chosen the "just friends" option. Some of these women are the kind of girls I could see myself in a long-term relationship with, and I know that there COULD be more pain than joy in the end. Given the risks involved, I just can't seem to justify six months of "fun."
well it didnt seem like he was judging you, so dont take it personally...in fact, be complemented, he said he was getting too attached to you. He didnt seem to be testing you, but trying to avoid a harsh goodbye. To most people long distance is not an option, therefore there really isnt a point to saying you two have a future...so, dont feel like you should have doubt. He really liked you from what it seems...
I dunno, worked out pretty well for Sid Vicious.
...
Nevermind.
To be honest, I don't see any point in pursuing a relationship when you know it's not going to last or be long-term. It's a waste of emotions, time and energy.
My future is very unclear in this sense. Everytime I think of the future with my current SO I shudder to think where it will end. We have an age gap that may screw us over in the long run.
I did terrible in school.. but I couldn't control my attraction to the opposite sex and ended up realizing several girls had a crush on me... but when they tried to get close to me I kept reminding myself that I as I were at that time did not have the ability to give them the life that they deserve to have so I grew distant with them near the end of the school year.. this ended up happening 1-3 different girls per school year until my senior year I just made sure that I didn't get close to anyone unless my grades went up or I have a chance to get in to a good college.. in the end neither happened.
No, I've done that before, where I dated someone I knew was never going to end up being THAT special or amazing to me. BIG mistake. For so many reasons.
Being that I just graduated and am leaving the state in 2 months, it's convincing to me, even though I've been in "I'm not dating anyone now!" mentality. If I were staying in the city, no big deal, and even though I'm not across the country (NY --> Maryland), it's still too far for a proper relationship.
I send the advice that if you know something is going nowhere, don't waste your and the other person's time and energy.
This is my life. A lot of these things I said myself "expiration date", "no future", "knew from the very beginning", "it wasn't going anywhere". It's painful, I know.
No matter how many times I tell myself that I probably won't date someone who I can't see a future with... I probably will, just for "the fun of it". I know, it's pretty bad... but yeh.
Totally! I just got out of a relationship with a Marine who is getting shipped out to Japan on July 21st but was in another state somewhere in training for 3/4ths of us dating...not to mention, we didn't share a lot of interests. Maybe it was because he was a Marine that I liked him, or the fact that his brother was dating my best friend!? Idk...but we both seemed to understand it would go nowhere - it was just someone to have phone sex with, ha ha...he broke up with me last month by not responding to my texts/calls. After four days of him being MIA, he texted me saying the exact same thing your ex said, that and "I like you too much." :?
I personally thought that dating was the trial version with a guy or gal to see if they were someone you wanted and could see yourself successfully spending the rest of your life with. I didn't think it was something that could be just carelessly done for the heck of it. However, on the emotional side of things, I don't know that I blame you for doing so. On the logical side, I don't see a point in dating someone I know I don't have a future with, but of course, being evermore logical, I honestly won't know until it happens to me. So on that note, I honestly can't say for 100% sure. I feel that it isn't worth it dating someone who I clearly don't see a future with, but I am not entirely positive that I wouldn't go through with it anyway, if I were indeed single and looking.
That happened to me, but he changed his mind because he didn't want to lose me. : )
I think that it really depends, because if two people want to different things ... you have to try and compromise. But compromising isn't really possible in this situation, I don't think.
What about making him see the whole picture? I'm not too sure though it really depends on him.
i can't say that i haven't. i have dated guys i knew that there was no future with them but i have to admit it that it was fun and worth while of my time. one guy particularly almost changed my mind but there were a lot of complications and we decided to just remain friends now. but the option still stands if i ever want it.
I don't see anything wrong with being exclusive with someone even though you know it isn't going to go anywhere. I kind of went through something like this with my ex-boyfriend. We both knew that if we stayed together until I graduated college, we would end up breaking up sometime after that because I have plans of going to graduate school while he wants to stick around here. But, things ended a lot sooner than that. However, I still continue to date around and try to find someone even though I still have every intention of moving away from here.
Well, a LSD can always work provided he wants to play as well. If he's not keen, then I think it's best to move on.
If your looking for more than a friend, then yes no future equals no realtionship.
no..
i never date
I'm not sure if I'm up for the heartbreak, I just think I wouldn't want to start a good relationship with someone great, knowing that it's going to burn to ashes once the "time" comes. I'm sure I'll try it out and I'll probably like their presence however I don't want to find a guy I really like knowing it won't work out in the future.
It's kind of happening to me right now with a guy I'm starting to really like, and he's leaving to England in October for school (because he goes to school in England). Right now, we're just hanging out and starting to get alittle "intimate"but the more I hang out with him the more I'm starting to like him and it just sucks knowing that all I'm going to be is a "fling". I guess you're luckier than me because you guys were exclusive and were dating. I don't think I'll have that opportunity with my guy.
Seems fine to me.