Friday, 26 June 2009

  • My BF Broke Up with Me During My Vacation

    I like most other functionally thinking human beings, wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew everything about love and life, but the truth is we can't have all the answers. My story begins with a boy and ends with heartbreak. Before I go into what happened there are a few things you should know about my (ex)boyfriend. When he was in 8th grade, he was raped by a male next door neighbor he had considered one of his best friends. Well, after that he got himself into a LOT of trouble and his family decided that they needed to move, so he moved up here. It was then that he told his family that he had been raped, but as far as I know nothing more came of it. They say that after you are raped you go one of two way: abstinent or promiscuous. He went the latter. He's twenty three and has had relations with 37 girls. He got one girl pregnant and has a two and a half year old son who he loves more than life itself.

    Okay, back to the story. This past Saturday I returned from a week long vacation to the Outer Banks, NC and I have to say that I wasn't exactly pleased with my vacation. Don't get me wrong, the beach was amazing, a bit overcast, but beautiful nonetheless. Before I left for vacation my boyfriend had told me for the first time that he loved me. At the time, I couldn't say it to him, but not because I didn't want to because those words mean a lot to me and I don't want to just toss them about. I do love him. So, the entire vacation I felt as though I were on cloud nine. I loved him and he loved me, but things would soon change. 

    So I guess I should start from the moment it happened. It was Tuesday of last week that I got a text from my boyfriend of about a month saying "I think I should be honest. When you come back I don't think we can be together." I broke down. I had really fallen for this guy and he was breaking my heart. Too fast and too hard. He then sent another text saying, "We should talk when you get home." Well shit, that's never anything good and this was no exception. Keep in mind, it's Tuesday and I don't return home until Saturday and I can't talk to him until Sunday. It was at that time I picked up the phone and needed to know why he was dumping my ass. 

    He had too much on his plate. That was his reasoning. I wouldn't find out until Sunday, five days later. So, it put a bit of a damper on Tuesday and Wednesday-Friday night, but I enjoyed the last of my vacation. Then on Sunday (technically) at 1 o'clock in the morning I texted my ex asking him where he was staying that night. He'd told me earlier in the day that he had been kicked out of the house for not obeying curfew. He didn't have a place to stay, so I told him he could stay with me and that night we had a talk that then continued in the morning. 

    During these talks I found out that a girl he'd hooked up with a couple weeks before he met me was pregnant. But the worst part is the girl has lupus... so she can't be pregnant. Chances are she'll miscarry. I was more worried about the girl than I was about my ex. The girl was thinking of getting an abortion and I just couldn't imagine the pain that would cause her emotionally. All of my prayers are with that poor girl. I asked my ex why he wouldn't tell me that and he was afraid I would overreact. I don't blame him, I am a drama queen.

    So, now, I can get to my point. My ex has 

    NO

    intention of being with this girl if she decides to keep the baby and the only reason he broke up with me was because he didn't want to put me through that, saying it would be unfair. I feel like he didn't give me a chance to prove him right or wrong? Can someone help me understand? 

    Before I ask my final question... here's a quick recap.
    1. My boyfriend broke up with me on vacation.
    2. He said it was because his life was too complex.
    3. He gets kicked out of his house and stays the night with me.
    4. The girl before me gets pregnant.
    5. She has lupus and a BIG decision to make

    All in one week.
    He says he wants to be my friend and see where things go from there... 
    Is that a good idea for me? Can I just be his friend when I have feelings this strong for him? What do you think?

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Comments (25)

  • i_r_keiko@xanga

    Well, it sounds to me like he does want to be with you (based on what you say here) but his current situation makes it difficult to do that.  He may feel guilty that he slept with someone right before he met you, and it may have given him a scare, especially since he already has a child.


    Ask him his terms, and be blunt.  If he wants to be with you, but needs some time off only wait as long as you feel you can.  But if he's done and can't be with you, then let that be that.


    It's a hard situation to be in.  It seems like he's being honest with you, though, so maybe it's something you can work through.


    Good luck.
  • vashts6583@xanga

    I say just give him some time for his insanity to work itself.  Make sure to make the offer to be there for him if he needs someone, but I wouldn't tell him that you love him unless you two do end up getting back together.  I just think right now he needs space, and though he went about doing so pretty poorly, he did make the right decision for what's going on.  I know it is quite frustrating and painful, but just make sure you can be there for him if he needs you.

    Best of luck with your situation, and I hope things end up working out in your favor.
  • xjadersx@xanga

    Wow that is a lot to take in. I can see why he doesn't want a relationship right now. Just try to stay his friend as long as it doesn't hurt you too much. Be there when he needs you. Seems like he will need someone to be there for him.

    But if he just goes and runs along to someone else then don't take it personally, and I guess you need to move on.

    It could work, but it might not. You just have to play it out and see how it goes.

  • raved@xanga

    Ignore him for a while. Start the healing process and try to let him go.
    From experience, it's too hard to try to be friends with someone that you still care so much about.
  • xSayakax@xanga

    Although he should have waited for you to come back and then talk to you in person, he sounds like he cares about you, so he's trying not to drag you into this complicated situation.  He says he loves you and so he's protecting you from heartache and drama of what looks like (a love triangle).  I think he needs time to sort things out, but if you still want him in your life, then be there for him as his supporting friend.  It's going to be difficult because you have feelings for him, but give him some time and space.  Just support him and be there for him when he needs someone.  This is if you don't want to leave him.

    If it gets too difficult and you think that everything is giving you more heartache than potential happiness, then it's your decision whether you want to keep waiting for him or move on.  I think you should just judge the situation from your perspective and see how things go.
  • TruthNeverTold@xanga

    Find someone who can keep his dick in his pants or properly put on a condom. He's not worth it. Clearly, he has other priorities.
  • PathBetweenTheStars@xanga

    I'm a disaster with relationships, no advice here.
  • naughtygrrl@xanga

  • MyDearKrunal@xanga

    Honestly, if you love someone fight for him with everything you have, because you never know what is going to happen tomorrow...

    My fiance died three weeks ago--- the day before our wedding. I have so many regrets. I didn't spend as much time with him in the last few weeks before our wedding day because I figured I'd have the rest of my life to spend with him and thought I should spend more time with my family and friends... obviously I didn't know he was going to die. But anyway, my point is that if you really love someone, you should fight for them and do what you have to to enjoy every moment with them... live your life so you have no regrets. The only person who can answer whether or not you should still be with him is you. And I know it really sucks to hear that, but when you meet the person that is right for you--- you'll know. Trust me... you will just know.

    Good luck!
  • lil_squirrel4ever@xanga

    He needs some time and space to sort things out, even though emotionally it's hard for you.  It will be for the better that way--just have faith that things in life happen for a reason.
  • xxsuga_sugaxx@xanga

    He's not worth it. & usually being "just friends" right after a breakup doesn't work very well.
  • jofosho999@xanga

    holy shit that's insane
  • mlj1981

    Give him time. It sounds like he's been through a lot, and he needs to get his act together. If you love him, and he loves you, it will be worth the wait. Seems like he can't be with you right now though.
  • beautyinbeautyout@xanga

    So sorry.   My armchair analysis tells me he we always have problems with commitment and intimacy, unless (and maybe even if) he gets some therapy to deal.  It's not your fault; it's an issue he has yet to come to terms with.  hugs.
  • escapethefate09@xanga

    U should move on... sweetie....
  • ponyexpress17@xanga

    Hey there, well, I think that you should respect his desire to stop being in a relationship with you right now because he can't deal with too many things right now. For ex, my ex didn't have time for me bec he was really busy and even told me to do what I want in the meantime. I understand how lonely you must feel for not being able to spend time with him when you really want to. From my experience, I only started to feel better when I started looking for someone else to date in hopes of finding someone who is considerate of my feelings in addition to his own-I started looking for someone else about 2 and a half months after I last saw him. You should decide for yourself. how to deal with this situation and its not easy. If I were you, I'd tell him that you need time before you start dating again, and ask him to stop contacting you in your grieving time of not being with him. He should respect your feelings if its hard to be friends with him. When you feel better, you'll be able to be friends with him again, and if he's ready possibly a relationship. Don't feel bad about not being there for him in his time of need because its none of your business about his problems and give him space to breathe.

  • UnopenedSuitcases@xanga

    well you gotta ask him honestly whether he really wants to be with you ornot. if not, then move on i guess. but you need to really talk things out openly
  • thinkpinkpanther@xanga

    Hey, my mom's best friend had THREE babies while having lupus, and all three of them are FINE now....she's also never miscarried...
  • boycottlove@xanga

    I still don't think he had a reason to dump you on your vacation. Like fuck that. You wait five days until I get home, don't bother me now.

    It seems like he's doing the right thing but if you want to be with him now, if you want to stand with him through this, then you need to tell him. And if he wants your help, he'll take it. But don't let him use you. Just cos he has shit going on, doesn't mean he gets to treat you bad.

  • loveconqueredthedarkness@xanga

    this dude has to straighten himself up before he's ready for any sort of relationship, be a friend, but don't be overly committed. he's going to have to sort a lot out on his own. 
  • MaisyMouse@xanga

    Wow.

    Well I think for the moment you should definitely be there for him. You love him, right? He really needs your support right now.
    And he probably doesn't have the capacity or energy to maintain a relationship with you right now since he has so much going on in his life.
    I guess just give him space, emotionally. It will hurt you but his needs are greater right now.
  • kawcha@xanga

    I think he did the best he can, breaking up with you is probably better for both you and him. Just wait and see how things go, he needs time to solve his own problems.
  • superGchik@xanga

    wow, i thought i had drama.  best thing is to give him some time to think things through.  he's going through a lot right now.
  • BelisaAmbrose@xanga

    I want to beleive it as much as you do.  But I can't help but think that he's lying to you.  I think you need to move on with your life, because I think that if he was serious about your relationship working out, he would ask you to be with him during this time.  To me when anyone says, "need a break", it's always code for the gentil way to break up with someone.


    You sound like a lovely girl, and I think you can do better. 


    Also, when you said he stayed the night, I'll assume there was nothing going on between you? You don't have to answer me because it's none of my business, but if their was anything sexual between you two on that night, it says to me that this guy is a total player and has emotional issues that you probably couldn't even begin to understand.


    If you're feeling a little down over this, please go to "God Says I Have to Wash my Hair That Night": The Theology of Rejection @reverlife article and it might help ease the pain.


    Good Luck and God Bless.
  • GaMeGurLsH@xanga

    He does have too much on his plate. Are you sure you want to go thru with this? Maybe just wait until everything is clear...then see him again.

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