Thursday, 25 June 2009
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Love without Passion
Let me start by saying that I am dating the most AMAZING guy I have ever met. We get along great, and he treats me so much better than anyone in my life ever has. We have been together for two years, and I love being with him. He is beautiful inside and out; I can't imagine my life without him. Recently we have been talking about marriage, but there's a part of me that's just not so sure about it. For the last year or so I haven't been all that sexually attracted to him. I like to kiss him, but I don't have strong urges to do anything else. He wants to get physical all the time, and my low libido has been a bit of a problem. He thinks I'm not attracted to him, but I really haven't been a ll that attracted to anyone recently. I don't want him to feel bad about himself, so I usually do more than I'm really in the mood for.
There's a part of me that thinks I should let him go, because it's not fair that he's with a girl who doesn't desire him the way he desires me. There's the other part of me that knows that I could be happy with him for the rest of my life. I have never come close to caring about another guy this much. It's hard to let that go, so I feel selfish for staying with him.I've never had a very strong sex drive, and it's gotten so much worse since I've gotten on birth control. I've even tried different kinds, but they always have the same results...I become practically nonsexual.
I'm not sure what to do. Should I selfishly stay with him knowing that I may never want him the way he wants me (sexually)? Should I let him go so that he can find someone whose libido is somewhat closer to his? Has anyone else had the problem with birth control? Did anything help?
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- From: cobeeisgone@xanga
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Comments (43)
Maybe you should quit the birth control altogether, get married, and try to have more kids than the Duggars before you're 40.
i don't think you should break it off over something like that
just explain to him exactly what you did just now, and if he's worth his salt, he will understand, and it will be something you both work through together, as a couple, and come out stronger for
sex is not the only part of a relationship, nor is it the most important part
i read a scientific paper reporting that semen has "passion inducing" effects. so drink up!
Why not try other methods of birth control?
There's also foods that help increase libido, as well as other products out there. I wouldn't necessarily call it quits just because your libido doesn't quite match his.
He sounds like he's a keeper, and they're rare to find these days.
You'll be able to work things through, as long as you're honest with him.
I'm experiencing the same- Alcohol helps, but it's not healthy...
If you were to break it off, I'm sure you'd regret it for the rest of your life. As cmdr_keen said, keeper's are VERY rare to find.
I'd say switch to a different method of BC and try to figure out what turns you on. Maybe you just don't know what you like.
Being on birth control makes your body in a perpetual hormonally pregnant state. Because of this, your chemically-based attractions to men change. They actually smell different to you. On birth control, your body is attracted to men who are very genetically similar to yourself (which isn't good for your future children -- you want those who have complimentary immune systems, not identical, to strengthen your children's chances of survival).
So it's most likely not your fault you're no longer desiring your boyfriend. It's the hormones being pumped into your system. I suspect many a breakup and divorce has been cause by women who were on birth control for so long and then stopped taking it, only to realize they weren't actually attracted to their partners.
I recommend stop taking birth control and use condoms or some other form of pregnancy prevention.
I'm having almost the same problem only opposite.
My boyfriend is 2 years older than me and seems to be way beyond the "having sex all the damn time" stage or whatever. I want sex A LOT more than he does and I feel like its because he's not attracted to me. Above all, just LET HIM KNOW that you are, indeed, attracted to him and love him because he could start feeling insecure and be the one to leave you. =\
But no, I don't think you should leave him because of this at all. Just talk about it / try another method of BC.
Just because your sex drives are different from his does not mean you should leave him. Maybe try finding alternative birth control methods and eat some more aphrodisiacs. Also, just talk to him about it and be open.
Sounds like you're already married! Just kidding (I know, horrible joke)
On the real, it's not a big problem but it could alude to one later on down the line. I would seriously talk to someone about it, like a counselor. It's embarrasing but a counselor would be able to ease your mind and give you other alternatives to deal with it. They may even consider some exercises which should be fun. Also, talk to your boyfriend about it. Just let him know it's not him.
Since the birth of my son we went from doing it every day and boasting about a quota to barely doing it at all. I'm always so tired and the baby is always around. My husband gets really bummed and thinks I don't love him or am not attracted to him which is soo not true. I have to tell him over and over it's not him but he still feels bad, so now we just schedule sex time. It's not romantic and it's totally corny but it works so far.
Hm, this is tough. Try talking to your dr to see if there's anything else you can do. But you need to make sure he understands that it's your libido that's suffering, NOT your feelings or attraction towards him.
Many individuals naturally experience dips in their libido.
My husband and I have been together for the past six years and I have always have the urge to be sexual with him. He, on the other hand, is blah. It's rare for him to be in the mood to want to have sex all the time. I have never once felt that he wasn't attracted to me physically, emotionally, or sexually. That's just the way he is. Like @la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - said, talk to him and make sure he understands that it's your libido that's suffering, not your feelings or attraction towards him. Try to work something out with him than just pack up and leave. Good luck.
i dont take birth control pills but i have a very low sex drive, and my partner on the other hand wants it ALL the time. so most of the time i justagree and don't enjoy it, or just say no. but i know how it feels. it makes me feel like im not good enough and can't give him what he wants x
Lay off the birth control. I recommend the IUD ... there's no hormones in the copper kind and won't mess with your sex drive.
Okay, so it could be the birth control (in which case, there are things like the IUD, the shot, and others like that...talk to your doctor), and if you can't change that, or changes don't work, then the two of you need to take yourselves to an "adult" shop. Look for toys, look for costumes, look for creams and lubes that stimulate you. You may not feel sexy all the time, but trying something new or different could be exciting, and the creams/lubes really do work. Also, talk about his fantasies, and if you've ever had any, talk about those, too. Then, once you've talked about them, act them out. Maybe you need to spice things up by trying things you haven't tried yet. I've had periods of low libido, and I've always found that a slight change in the "routine" of our sex life helps get me back in the mood.
Just some thoughts. I wouldn't break up with him over this, though. Try everything you can. Something will work for you guys:)
-Katie
I would talk to him about the issue and your gyno
erm yeah i'm in that situation also. [kinda]. just talk things out. i mean you will definitely regret it if you let it go. so why dont you talk to him about it
it seems like the birth control chemistry is messing with your inner chemistry. why don't you try and not use it for a while (use other measures of contraception), see if that makes a difference before you get drastic?
I know some women who felt like this for a while, they didn't let their guy go out of guilt and they married them, after a while their level of passion grew. but it takes a while, some had some major relationship-trust issues; some to do with abandonment and anxiety in coupled with other things that kept them from REALLY feeling safe in the relationship from a "broken heart" syndrome and after the marriage became REAL, they felt they can really be themselves without any fear. I'm not suggesting you have emotional baggage but I think you shouldn't feel guilty. He's with you because he loves you and wants to be with you; albeit it's frustrating for him and he feels he's inadequately skilled to make you desiring him, but just talk it out with him and your gyno, try different methods before you jump ship. g'luck
You love him. Stay with him.
Try increasing your exercise routine. Go for a jog or do something to get your heart pumping at about 5 or 6 pm, then at 7 or 8, start the kissing. (Preferably after a shower...) Research has shown that both men and women get a serious libido boost a couple hours after exercise.
I understand the birth control thing- My levels have changed since I changed pills. Exercise honestly boosts it, and also try some new things. Try a different foreplay routine, try simple things like taking a bath or a shower together. Maybe exercise together. If you love someone, you can always find a way to make it work. Don't sacrifice a healthy relationship because you haven't perfected your sex life. It takes time :)
Why don't you consult a doctor or a specialist...maybe there are underlying issues surrounding your low sex drive?
I suggest Pre-marital counseling
Oh! I get like that sometimes! But I agree with Agent, seriously exercise! I've been walking everyday and doing yoga and not only do i feel wonderful and healthier, but also more sexually active! I want him literally right when i get home. Also a fast pace walk will feel good down there....hahahaha.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - I thought you got banned from commenting on Datingish?
you love him. don't make this decision for him. value his emotions enough to not choose for him.
as far as the libido goes..
is there a reason you must be on bc? b/c I have the same problem. and I just work hard to ignore it. but I am on bc for acne. very very bad acne. maybe you can just stick to condoms and just work on your libido mentally. ppl say to go ahead and try to get started even if you don't feel in the mood- yo ucan "get" in the mood.
That is a sticky wicket!