I'm going to the lady doctor soon and thought I would fill out the required forms early so I could be in and out more quickly. I downloaded the form online and started answering questions. Gender, last period, allergies, had I had the rubella shot? Had I ever been pregnant?
One of the questions threw me off, though.
Has anyone ever raped you or forced you into a sexual act?So almost three years ago now, I was in touch with a friend from high school. He told me to take the bus to his dorm - it was summer and most all of the students were gone, so we'd pretty much have the place to ourselves - and that we'd hang out and catch up. I didn't know any better.
He bought sushi and I brought Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's. We drank almost two whole bottles together. I was feeling good.
He said he had pot and that we should go smoke it. I figured why not? We went outside his campus, which was eerily quiet, and smoked behind a tree. I was not a regular smoker and was more fucked up than he was.
We went back inside and started watching Y Tu Mama Tambien. I don't remember very much of it - I wasn't exactly
with it. It was near the end of the movie (I think) when he started feeling me up.
Then he kissed me and we started making out. It was late - probably 2 a.m. - and all I wanted to do was to go to sleep. "Um, I'm really tired," I said, pulling away.
Then he started touching me. I rolled away from him, asking him to stop and saying I was really tired, but he kept going. "Please just let me put this in you," he said. I said no.
Because we were in the middle of nowhere, I didn't know where my cell was or who I would even call, I thought the best thing I could do was just go to sleep, so I passed out. I don't remember what happened after that.
I woke up the next morning feeling sore (it hurt to walk...a lot), disgusting and used and still not totally sure what happened. I IMed my sister (I figured if I called, my mom would hear her on the other end of the phone so talking online was better) and told her what had gone on the night before. "I think you fucking got raped," she said. But I don't remember. That word has such horrible connotations with it. I think of battered women and shelters and Law and Order, not of myself. How do I know what happened? For all I know, after I said "stop" and rolled over, he tucked me in and kissed me on the forehead. But I doubt it.
I can't help thinking it was my own choice to go there. Nobody made me get on the bus and go. It was my choice to drink too much and smoke until I couldn't think straight.
To be honest, I don't really think about it anymore. It came up every once in a while because he was a family friend - I was at a family party six months later and my uncle asked after him. "How's _____? Have you hung out with him lately?". My sister is the only one who knew and she shot me this crazy look like "oh fuck". I said no, we hadn't hung out since the summer.
When questions like that come up, I don't know what to do. Should I check "yes" on the form? I don't know. Why isn't there a "maybe"?
Comments (25)
Well you could explain the situation to your gynecologist if you want. You can check whatever you feel comfortable with, then tell her. I'm pretty sure you don't have to answer everything if you don't want to.
That sounds like a pretty bad experience. I hope you're okay.
I actually had a somewhat similar experience. No substances involved, but a guy friend of the family kept pushing me to go farther with him and started to physically force me to do it. It got to the point where I would avoid any function that he would be at, and now he understands that it was wrong. I probably should have handled it better, as you feel you should have.
I know it can be traumatizing, I ended up alright. I hope you did too.
dear god! you have my condolences, That is a horrendous experience. Unfortunately your story isn't the only story like this i've heard, If you felt sore all things included, i would not trust him. You told him no several times and he disregarded your privacy and your right to be left alone. To me he sounds like a creep.
Has anyone else ever seen that poster in the public health clinic or their gynecologist's office?
"No means No.
I'm drunk means no.
etc."
I'm sleeping means no.
It's called date rape, and those affected are usually raped by people they already know. Just because you were drinking/smoking pot doesn't mean it was okay for him to persist. You didn't want to. I'd share it with your doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of--it wasn't your fault. Always be honest with your doctor. If you're not it could have ramifications you wouldn't know of without a medical degree.
The following link is to a poster similar to the ones I've seen:
http://www.ocsu.ca/images/NoMeansNo.png
Edit: Is there a way to post that as a hyperlink or photo in a comment?
I've had a similar experience, though I didn't pass out and it wasn't as serious as your situation. From what I've learned about the hard definition of sexual assault and rape, if you say STOP and he does not stop, that IS rape. Forget that you might've put yourself in the situation by going to see him. You did not ask him to touch you inappropriately against your will.
Check "yes".
I'm sorry for that confusing experience...
I agree with the above comment: u said no n' he continued. Although, as u say urself, u decided to go there, drink n' smoke...
Those are the consequences...
So... Check yes if there isn't a 'maybe', it's more yes than no...
Be careful next time if u don't want to get raped for real...
you don't have to say 'no' especially if there is coercion, you are not capable of making that decision or haven't the capacity.
also being too frightened to say no is still rape, too drunk, to scared your children may wake, too scared it could get ugly if you resist, is still not consent.
people know when a girl is not willing. if guys (sorry most perpetrators are male) are sensible it will be obvious.
most rape happens by someone you know.
what's the biggest date rape drug,?? -it is cheap, easy to access, disappears from the system within hours, can be mixed into a drink easily with out people realising, and has the ability to incapacitate and make people forget.
sounds like you should tick the yes box and it can hurt well after the incident. there are places that are free. you don't have to, but it helps just to know what's acceptable and what's not.
take care.
I checked yes on a form like that, and they told me it was required that they report it to police and have police question me about it.
I'm just going to check no from now on.
A little late now, but you should have gone to the hospital and gotten a rape kit procedure conducted just to be sure.
Tough one. Like someone said above, I think if you check Yes then your doctor has to report it to the police. I think it's understandable if you're not ready for that step yet. Maybe you could just check 'no' and leave a note for your doctor in the 'other comments' section or just bring it up to her during your exam so that you can discuss it.
Either way, I think it's important to have the discussion with your doctor because you don't know exactly what he did and it might be a good idea to get tested and there are a lot of things they don't test for during a routine exam. Your doctor might also be able to give you some good advice on what your next step should be.
Good luck and I'm sorry that this happened to you.
*hugs*
if i were you, i'd check yes =T
I'd talk to the gynecologist about it. I'd check yes, if I were you though.
No.. and I feel sorry for anyone that has been a victim of this low act. <3
The thing is, yes it was your choice to drink and smoke to the point where you couldn't make a decision. Because you do not know for a fact that you were taken advantage of, you can't really check yes. It could be that you slept wrong, crossed your legs while sleeping, so on and so forth. Unfortunately, you can't really say you were raped or not because you were not conscious enough to make a judgment call. Also, if you felt that you were raped, you should have or should now get examined. They would be able to tell if you were raped by the way your body reacts to being forced. Usually, it would bruise around the lip if it were a forced entry. =/
Well you should have go for medical check if you are unsure and worried, since you did not then stop thinking about it
Do you think he knew you'd be more f*cked up than him since you're not a regular smoker when he offered you the pot? Or am I thinking him as a sinister douche who forced himself on a friend who passed out and trusted he had better sense NOT to "go there"????
No means no. You said it more than once, you've pushed him away and you've rolled away from him. You passing out didn't mean "hey, I'm open for business." That's not consent and maybe this is why he hasn't tried to contact you because he's disgusted with himself although not enough to man up and talk to you about what did happen.
get a physical; top to bottom, and hopefully there would be no next time.
check yes
at least you dont remember but that could make it worse. I have been in a rape situation and if yu need anyone to talk to pm me <3
Well... I think that's a yes. Obviously you didn't want to do anything more with him, but he just continued on.
I'd say check "yes." It's probably a lot more of a yes than a no. It's not your fault that he did that to you and you told him you did not want it.
draw your own box on the form and label it "I don't know"
then check it.
why do some guys do that????? this is especially wrong because you two were friends and he should have respected your request to stop. that asshole should get run over by a truck...at least twice a day
I noticed these questions at my doctors forms when I went in for my ob/gyn appts when I was pregnant I answered no because I felt it was my information if I didnt want ot share it I wasnt going to.
As for the guy dont blame yourself you told him no he took advantage of you.. It doesnt matter if you were high drunk or what he has no right to touch you.
I went out one night with a guy to the bar I drank alot of liqour and I mean alot I drank to excess I dont know if I blacked out from the alcohol or what but I blacked out when I got in this guys car I left my drink unattended several times so it was easy to slip something in nd Ive never blacked out before from my excessive drinking. I can't account from midnight to 4 that night because the last thing I remember is getting in his car and I woke up with 4 hours unaccounted for when he dropped me off at home.
You definitely shouldn't be asking Xanga for those rather important questions. You should seek counseling or some sort of professional help. Xanga is not the right place.
For future reference, you should have gone to the hospital and had a rape kit done - you had no way of knowing if he used any protection or if he had diseases. The hospital staff could have told you about available resources and and your legal options.