Tuesday, 23 June 2009
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What Happened to Staying Together for The Kids?
I guess I knew that was their big announcement...like everyone else, I got hooked on Jon And Kate Plus Eight about a year or two ago. You connect to the family, you get connected and hooked by one or more of the kids. Even tonight when they announced their "separation", I thought that maybe they were just going to distance themselves a bit for a break. I didn't really try to pay attention to the tabloids, all of them. At the beginning, I thought it was kind of a joke. People stay together for one kid; how could you not bite your lip, cut some losses, and stay together for EIGHT kids?
They used the word "peace" a lot.
They also talked a lot about chapters.
Marriage isn't about peace. Look at any couple who has been married for fifty years, a solid couple, and they're anything but peaceful. Marriage is supposed to be permanent. That means that if you marry someone and it turns out you don't like him or she doesn't make decisions as swiftly as you'd like or you don't like his cooking you suck it up. If you're married, you could dislike a lot of things about someone. But you love him or her, and that means worlds more.
I guess the whole thing that bothered me about the Jon and Kate episode that caused this random pop culture blog is the sacrifice, or lack thereof. Jon wanted to break free? He said he was young and he was excited to start a new chapter. Kate was humble and I feel like she's just gotten a lot of bad press lately. But she went off to do her book deal and fly around and whether or not it was forced put Jon in the predicament to quit his job.
Maybe it makes me old-fashioned or just unambitious. But you go to college, you get your job, you find someone that you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, you get married, you start your family. Some things happen out of the blue and the plan gets reworked and I get that. But having a life-lasting marriage and starting a family are big chapters, enormous chapters. I could say now, tons of years down the road that no matter how successful I am, how much money I make, my marriage and my family will be my favorite chapters and they'll be the most valuable.
Parents make sacrifices, some bigger than others and some more necessary. I'm getting this sense that what I'm saying is old-fashioned or just in the minority. But if you have kids and your ambitious dream of writing a book means your husband is going to have to quit his job - you sacrifice. Because you're supposed to know that if the shoe was on the other foot he would do the same. If it's between a dream of yours and your family - can't you just find a different dream? Shouldn't a family that big and cute fulfill a different dream? Can't you wait a few years and preserve your marriage in the rough spot - Is that too much?
I read somewhere in one of these tabloids on them that half of all marriages fail. I think it's because we're all scared and that's understandable. You have to have your own money, you have keep yourself fit, you have to have a plan B - because in the back of your mind you know there's a chance you could still end up alone. A kid doesn't guarantee it, jeez, 8 kids doesn't guarantee it.
I'm only 19, and most of my friends' parents are divorced. Jeez, most of my friends have kids with fathers in and out of the picture. My parents have been married for 20 years and my grandparents 61 years and I still don't have faith in marriage. I want to, but it seems to be foolish. I think there's something honorable in sucking it up or a crazy thing called working through it.
I can't accept that modern unconditional love has all these conditions.
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- From: sweet_imperfectionz@xanga
- Name: Ariell
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Comments (191)
anything human is never unconditional. so that alone is a flawed notion. although i agree with you that staying for the kids is crucial- a lot of times it fucks the kids up royally too, seeing the parents distant and arguing all the time. i think an even more important issue to be raised is finding the right mate before saying, i do
Bravo.
unconditional love .....No one can accept all ....
My parents stayed together for us kids (I have three siblings), and I can't tell you how much I appreciated it when I was really young. It's sad, though, that when my dad died at age 49 (when I was 17) from a massive heart attack and diabetes, I realized he allowed it to happen. He didn't take care of himself any longer because it was an easy way out. I don't think he wanted to live anymore, and most of that was probably because of his rocky relationship with my mom.
I think if most of your kids are teenagers or older, divorce isn't such a bad option... especially if it will prevent an early death. :(
I agree with you and I was thinking the same thing while watching the show last night. I've watched Jon and Kate on and off for a few months now and I guess I wasn't really surprised by their announcement. Jon seemed a lot more interested in his new life and 'peace for my family' seemed like a weak excuse to me. Despite my reservations about Kate, she at least seemed to want to try to make their marriage work. Jon on the other hand seemed to just want out, no questions asked. That's a red flag for me.
I guess this situation bothers me especially because they went through so much trouble to bring those children into the world. Now they're putting these children through a lot of confusion and pain because their parents "just don't get along anymore". It doesn't seem fair. And even though both parents go on and on about how the children are always their first priority, their behavior makes me think otherwise.
Staying married can be very difficult. I wish people really understood that before they got married. People have to be prepared for whatever comes and they need to do it before it comes. The whole situation is sad.
I honestly don't know and don't want to know how it feels to be in marriage when the media is all up in your business instigating while trying to take care of 8 little ones.
You make good and valid points, but if you truly have come to hate each other, staying for the children is stupid. I mean yes, a marriage should be forever, but let's be honest, people don't get married for the same reasons. You're going to end up doing your children more harm than good. They'll see their parents constantly bickering, arguments escalating, and maybe be caught in the crossfire. Maybe the two people were never meant to be married in the first place. They didn't think it through, someone needed to stay state side, or it was arranged. As long as both parents remember that they have children, do for their children, and remain cordial to ex-spouse when in front of their kids, then they're doing the right thing. We're so quick to come down on people because we don't agree with their choices. Maybe this was thoroughly thought out and yeah, the kids will suffer to see their parents end their marriage, but it might be in their best interests in the long run.
I agree 100%. The only thing that I don't agree with on this post is that Kate was humble. Maybe she has been for the cameras, but I don't think she is in her own personal life. Both of them are selfish, neither one of them are thinking of the children, they're obsessed with themselves, she's mean and controlling, and he's a pansy. They need to shut those cameras off and work on their family. Great post!
@AuCinema@xanga - I think that Jon wanted out because of how Kate has treated him in the past. For being so controlling, manipulative, and mean. However, that is no excuse. They need to work on it, fix it, something. It's just sad.
Marriage is NOT a walk in the park. It takes energy, commitment, and a lot of hard work. My husband and I have been married for 13 months today and our son turned two weeks old yesterday. For the majority of our marriage, my husband has been deployed or TDY. I can't count the number of times both of us wanted to just "give up" already. Not because we hated each other or fought a lot, but because it has been really hard to be together yet constantly be apart. But we didn't. We promised to love each other in the good times AND the bad times.
To me, marriage isn't something you can just "throw away" because it doesn't work right for the person you've become or doesn't fit with your life. Marriage is such hard work, but it is so amazingly rewarding. I love my husband so much and now that we have a son, I see him in a whole new light.
I feel so sorry for those kids caught in the middle of two adults who just can't grow up and get over their selfish ways. Granted, we don't know the whole story as the public but.....that's how it looks from an outsiders perspective.
If you give a marriage your all, and the kids are the only thing holding you guys together, then I think it's time to move on. It's not fair to the children to see their parents constantly arguing and divided.
It really depends on the situation. In some cases the problem can be worked out, relationships take a lot of work, but a lot of people have become lazy or refuse to compromise, which is selfish if you have children. But in other cases such as cheating, abuse, or many other things then I agree with the splitting because if you let your kids see it’s ok to stay with someone who hurts you or doesn’t respect you then you’re setting that example for your kids, and in a lot of cases the kids would be happier if you were just apart. So it’s for you to decide, if you staying together is more harm or good.
Also I know some couples that tried to live in the same house for the kids, but after a while one of them would want to date ect. and it would get messy so it’s better to either try to work it out or at least try to split on good terms for the kid’s sake.
I agree with @goD_I_V_Aunc10@xanga. Staying married for the kids is a horrible idea. Kids are more perceptive than you know. My mom told me when I was 3 or 4 I started noticing that when Dad came home she would get sad, and I use to cry and push on him to leave when he would come home. It took a couple of years for that to stop happening.. and after that, they divoriced (my father had an affair, it went on for almost a year before my mom got solid proof).
Anyway, those kids KNOW there is tension, and sometimes, it's obvious, that they don't even want to be around Kate, I use to get frustrated by Mady, but now I see exactly what she was doing.. she was crying out for attention because how stressful her family life was. Jon and Kate need to turn off the cameras, get a divorice (or go into family therapy RIGHT NOW), and do everything they can to salvage their children's childhoods... because they are for sure leaving a bad mark on it.
I see where you're coming from, I really do...but I think things like "Staying Together for the Kids" needs to be done on a case by case basis. I think that Jon and Kate staying together and hating each other would be much more damaging than them separating and hopefully finding new partners who they really appreciate. There's nothing wrong with a nontraditional family, and one can be just as happy as the other.
But thanks! You've just given me a great idea for a blog.
I agree with you 100%. my parents have been married for 34 years now and they make it work. It wasn't easy at times but they knew they made a committment. they took their vows. It says for better or for worse, but people always give up when it hits a rough spot. I believe two people can work through (almost) anything and make it work. The only things I would divorce for is cheating and abuse. If neither of us are doing that I will not get divorced. I feel like this society has shown people that marriage is no big deal and you could just get in and out of it with no problems and it makes them run as soon as they can or feel like it. My mother always taught me this and even if i listen to nothing else from her, this i will listen to.
I think Jon and Kate knows their situation best and knows what's best for them and their children. You can stay together for the children sake but at the end, it's going to hurt you more. Everyone deserves to be happy regardless what their decisions are and how it's going to affect anyone near them. That's just my take on it.
That's really sad about what Jon had said about him being excited about a "new chapter" in his life. If I was his daughter, I would have been devastated. What was wrong with his old chapters? I firmly believe that when you get married, it's for forever. The vows you had promised and said on your wedding day should be kept and held onto no matter what.
The point of the matter is I don't think Jon & Kate even tried to work things out during their separation. Those 8 kids are going to have problems because their mom and dad were too immature to want to deal with the problems. Jon is definitely more immature than Kate--I am sick of hearing people say "Well Kate was such a bitch to Jon!" Yes, at times she was wayyy out of line, but until you have eight kids, 6 of them being the same age, let me know if you find yourself a little bit stressed out and it causes you to snap at your husband.
Jon was/is too wrapped up in himself and pursuing other women to care about staying with Kate. Both of them were obviously too immature to handle this when it came down to the bottom line.
@Sunny_Worms@xanga - I agree with you. I find it to be sickening that people don't take their vows seriously anymore.
AMEN to this post! I fully agree with you. What is this foolishness about splitting up with people because you're "incompatible", or "you wanna break free"? WHAT??? No, if you wanted freedom like that, you should have NEVER promised to marry someone until death do you part. You are breaking covenant, and that will bring a curse on your life. It's one thing if you're getting abused... then by all means, leave! I'm talking about divorcing because of stupid, petty reasons. I never watched Jon and Kate + 8, but why would you leave your spouse and those children?? Especially when you decide to have kids, you make a commitment to them as well to stay. What a hot mess! I'm annoyed that they're getting divorced, though I'm sure many would disagree with me. I think I'm annoyed because I'm sad for the kids, and mad that they couldn't suck it up and work it out. When you get past the hard times, the marriage gets stronger and better.
I do feel your sentiments about not believing in marriage, though. You've been privileged enough to see long lasting marriages. I've seen a couple of them, but in my direct family, there isn't any of that... and the ones that are still married, the males have cheated. So... even though I want to be married, it scares me, too or I just get turned off by the idea at times. I want mine to last... AND be good! It does go to show you that even if you do get to see something good, the negative stigmas will still affect you. Hopefully we can put it all aside when we actually do get married, and work together with our spouses to make it last.
An unhappily married couple staying together for the kids doesn't help anyone. The parents are miserable and that makes the kids that way too. I had friends that had parents who stayed together, and saw what it did to them. It was awful and the parents where 100% wrong. They fought ALL the time, didn't respect each other, the mom was a bitch. They thought they would make it easier on the 3 kids, 2 were my age, one younger, until they were all into college. They actually thought that nobody, and especially the kids didn't see how unhappy they were.
Why should parents who aren't happy and making other peoples lives miserable stay together and put off their own chance at happiness until their kids are older? That doesn't seem fair to me.
Ideally when you get married and have kids, you are happy and stay that way, and divorce isn't an option. But that isn't how it always happens. I don't think parents should rush to get divorced, I think they should try to work through tough times, but when a marriage is over it's over. Doesn't matter if you have kids or not, doesn't matter if they are young or older. Divorce is hard on a family no matter what, no matter how old the kids are.
I feel you.
I'm proud to say that so far in my family, there hasn't been any divorces. We are traditional korean families and my generation is next to get married. My parents have been married for 30 years now and there were definite tough times. Times where I thought my mom would leave my dad but she didn't. Times when everyone had to sacrifice something of importance for someone else and yes, it sucked but that's what you do.
I haven't lost complete hope in marriage... I still hope to find my eternal life partner. I hope I will find him one day.
My mom stayed with my father because she thought it was best for my siblings and I. I know she had the best of intentions and I respect her for it, but sometimes it's best to just get the kids away from a bad situation. Forcing them to sit back and watch their parents fight every single night is far from healthy. I'm still bitter about it, and I've got all sorts of problems that probably came from having to do it.