Tuesday, 23 June 2009
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I Still Haven't Met His Family After Nine Months
So I have been wanting to "rant" about this subject for a while now, but was unsure how to do it. I didn't want to put it on my Xanga because it's not private and I know that my boyfriend may read it, but I really needed to tell somebody.My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost nine and a half months and overall it has been great. He's a wonderfully sweet guy who treats me right and loves me dearly - I have no complaints about that.
He has met my mom and her boyfriend, a ton of my friends, and my dad and paternal grandmother. He comes to my house all the time and we go out and do things.
I, on the other hand, have NEVER met his family. He lives with his grandparents (due to his parents splitting when he was three, his mom taking off, and his dad being more than incompetent to care for a child at the time) and they are very strict with him. I've known him for about four years now, but we didn't get to spend much time together until the beginning of last summer. Over time they noticed we were hanging out and they told him that he needed to stop hanging out with me so much and that we needed to "cool it."
We started dating September 10th and would not tell them. He said it was mainly because he was worried that they wouldn't let him see me. He has been to my homecoming and my prom (I graduated this year) and even spent the night at my house prom night with a bunch of my friends. I am certain now that they know we are dating, because his uncle (who used to be my dad's boss...go figure) knows that we are.
My question is...why haven't I met them yet? I don't even know where his house is exactly; I just know the general area it's supposed to be in because he lives on a farm past a long driveway. I've brought this up many times about how I want to meet them and all he keeps saying is, "Soon. I don't know when, but soon." It's really starting to bother me because he is so deeply into my life and there's a huge part of his that is almost nonexistent to me.
His grandmother has Parkinson's, so I'm thinking that might play into it a bit...I just...don't know (side note: he's not allowed to leave his house when his grandfather isn't home because they don't like leaving his grandmother alone.)There is so much to this that it's just..hard to explain. I really want to meet his family. I used to think it was because they didn't want to meet me. My mom thinks that he doesn't want me over there.
I'm not worried about him being unfaithful or trying to hide something horrible, but I can't think of any reasons for me to have not met his family yet. I'm even his first girlfriend!
...help? advice? ideas?
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- From: anna_marie_2
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Comments (19)
Try to talk to they ....
Maybe they can change their mind ...
He may be really nervous about you meeting them. Maybe they're judgmental people or not an active part of his life like his mom and her boyfriend are? His grandmother's illness may play apart in it, he may see it as really negative and doesn't want you to see it.
I don't know if the side of the family you haven't met lives far away but my bf of 9 months also has only met my whole family once because we live almost an hour away from each other. I've only met his whole family once because they live in a different province.
Maybe you could try contacting them and introducing yourself or saying that you need to meet them in order to feel comfortable in a relationship with him.
Good luck!
Well there are only two reasons I can imagine (I forgot the third lol):
1) He knows they will not approve of you, or like you so rather than stand up to them and date you even with their disapproval he would rather keep your relationship a secret. You seem pretty normal so I can’t imagine this would be the case. But my friend has a mom who’s boyfriend has never introduced his family (they have been together 15 years) so you never know.
2) He is embarrassed of them, or they will cause troubles for you. When I date guys my rule is not to introduce them till we have been dating at LEAST 7 months, maybe a year so that we know where it’s going, and have a solid relationship. My family consists of troublemakers, my dad (who is a crappy husband) will give him advice like "you can (insert horrible thing), just keep it a secret from your girl (me!)" so I don’t want him taking advice from my dad, cause he’s a bad role model. My sister and her husband love to make other peoples relationships their business and will get in our fights and pick sides, or when we stop dating they will keep in contact with him, or talk crap about me to him, which can be awkward and uncomfortable...you see what I mean? So in his case he might just be trying to protect you from them.
First relationships are hard, so be easy on him. But by the time you have been dating for a year he should introduce you. He might just want to be sure your relationship is strong enough to withstand his family. He sounds scared they might disapprove of his relationship but if he’s not 17 or younger he needs to stand up for it and tell them how it is, his personal relationships are not their business.
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I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he's cheating on you. If he's available to you all the time, then it's highly unlikely he's hiding a second girlfriend. By available, I mean he has time to go on dates with you and time to talk on the phone with you. Unless he disappears for long periods of time that he can't explain, it's highly unlikely he's cheating on you.
With that said, I come from a strict Chinese family, and I know that I met my boyfriend's family years before he met mine. He met my family after we had been dating for 3 years and 2 years after I met his. It happened this way because I knew my parents are strict and traditional, and it would have been harder on our relationship if my parents had met him sooner. So I just never brought him around and always hung out at his place.
If your boyfriend is honest to you about everything else, and he's honest to you about his family situation, then cut him some slack. With a family situation like that, the last thing he needs to a seemingly unsympathetic girlfriend to add more stress to his life.
ya know; honestly if you think he loves you, then I don't think you should worry about meeting his parents. Some people, their parent's aren't an important factor in their relationship with you; often times if the family's broken. I dated a guy whose parents were divorced. I only happened to meet his father once because he was moving my boyfriend out of the dorms and that was it.
To my boyfriend, his relationship with me was more important than my relationship with his parents.
If you were planning on marrying him, then yeah-- insist you meet the parents. But as for now; if he doesn't want you to meet his folks, I wouldn't push it. There's probibly a justified reason for him to keep them from you (Or you from them) and it might not have anything to do with you personally or your relationship with him. Don't read too hard into it; you'd probibly end up creating more problems than you need.
I stand by what I said on the subject.
You can't just tell him that you want to meet his grandparents, you need to let him know how much it upsets you that you haven't met them yet. I know you hate confrontation, but sometimes a little confrontation is what you need and in the end it will make you stronger. Just sit down and talk with him about it.
**side note: as soon as I read the title I knew you had written it.
I don't think that's that big a problem. I met my boyfriend's family even before we were official, but he didn't meet my parents until almost two years into our relationship...on my graduation. While a huge part of it was because that was also the first time I saw my parents in two years, I think I was also worried that they would not approve of him and I didn't want to put him under stress unless he was ready. He had never been approved by ANY of his exes' parents before so he was kind of traumatized...poor guy, just because he's always dated girls with strict Asian parents and he happens to NOT be Asian...
Anyway if it bothers you so much, just be firm and tell him that it'll mean a lot to you if you get introduced to his family...I wouldn't get too worried if he doesn't though.
Second--not all parents, or families--for that matter, are very meet-able. What I mean is, you mentioned his grandmother's disease, but in addition to that, his family could be compleeetely different from him. I've seen this with a few "actual, in real life" situations, in addition to a few movies as well. He might model them, or he might not.
He might have a fear that you meeting his family, due to some horrible behavior they might have, could potentially scare you off, despite the time invested, and the effort exercised.
Give it some time, but don't let him forget. Just don't rush.
if you haven't already ask, ask when and if he doesn't want to yet, ask why... at least you'll understand why he's not ready yet... and if it's a legit reason, at least you'll know not to annoy the hell out of him... lol...
when he's ready, that day will come...
"He said it was mainly because he was worried that they wouldn't let him see me."
That, or either he's afraid they will disapprove of you.
You can confront him, tell him your feelings, etc.. but at the end, it's gonna have to be his choice to actually take you to meet his grandparents or whomever. I'm sure he has a valid reason to hesitated and be not ready yet to not take you.
I once dated a guy who never let me come to his house, so I barely knew his parents. They were just super-messy and he was kinda embarrassed about it. I think it may be one of those things where he thinks you'll judge him for his family (perhaps they're a little neurotic or odd, or just from a higher/lower economic status than you), or for their habits. Reassure him that no matter what, you are happy to be with him and that that stuff doesn't matter--you still want to meet his family.
I dated a guy for over a year and I never met his parents. I was his second girlfriend and they knew about her, met her, they even went on trips together! I've met his parents before, but they never knew we were going out. He said he didn't want share his personal life with his parents and that they just sort of found out about his last girlfriend. It always bothered me and still somewhat does, considering we are still friends.
I know where you're coming from in this. And though my situation didn't get solved, I hope yours will. Be patient with him, he may not be close to his grandparents or they may even be judgmental. He may also be scared of what you'll think, even if you aren't a judgmental person...people are often embarrassed of their families for silly reasons or afraid of what they'll say or do that could embarrass one or both of you.But also, talk about it with him. Tell him it bothers you. He has to have some sort of legitimate excuse for it.And trust me, the lame excuses aren't satisfying..i know how that feels.What matters most is that he loves you and is faithful. If you can trust him, trust him that he'll keep his promise of you meeting them someday :) good luck!
Ok, you need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel and get him to explain exactly why he hasn't brought you over there yet. There could be alot of reasons as to why he hasn't done so yet. Family traditions, customs, the fact that his grandparents are strict and he's so grateful to them taking him in when his parents left that he would feel ashamed to do anything against their wishes...there are many possible reasons. Go find out what they are.
In regards to your guy. I have strict parents myself. Its a basic part of my life to lie to them about almost everything because that's the only way I could do anything. (i.e. I'd tell them my classes end at 8PM so I could see my boyfriend for a few hours.) They have me by the throat most of the time and I felt trapped, maybe your boyfriend feels somewhat the same. Just talk to him calmly about how you're feeling. My boyfriend failed to do that when he felt like you do now and instead of having a heart-to-heart with me, he asked advice from others and in turn, his father would make snide comments about me having his son as a sneak-around boyfriend and about me not really being interested in his son. That was so far from true and I was really offended. I considered breaking up with my guy because he didn't confront me himself. Be open with him and try to be as best understanding as to his reasons. But there's a limit to how long you should have to wait. You guys are dating and he should be proud to show you off.
insist to meet his family! Im at my SO's house all the time :] poor thing must be sick of me
maybe he's just scared, because you would be the first person he introduce to them
I didn't meet my bf's family until more than a year after we got together. It's been seven years now, and we're very happy- he just took a little longer to get comfortable with the idea. Men are funny that way sometimes, and him more so, because he's always been quite a private person (even his family wasn't surprised that he took so long about it!!!!)
I still haven't met my boyfriend's mom either. It sucks. =l Why don't you just ask him for the reason as to why you haven't met his family yet? Like, really get into a deep conversation with him as to why.
I wouldnt be concerned as long as you both love each other. Once they meet you his parents or family will know you are geniune.. I have a girlfriend who has the same issue. It has been almost three years and they are little older plus he just came out of a tumultious second marriage, hers was the third and she conned him into a marraige after a 6 --7 month whirlwind where he had to introduce her to his family right away because he had to tell them he was marry that black bitch.. His family already hated her when they met her seeing that she was trying to marry hm for his money. His family couldnt talk him out marrying her since she brainwashed him with her black love. Her two previous husband were black and so she thought she could try marrying a white man this time for his money and house. . She was black and he was white. My friend is mixed so there maybe a connection but she is very attractive than that black con artist who I found out maniuplated him and gave him an ultimatum after 7 months into marraige. Now they are divorced after 6 years of marraige, 4 of hell and 2 years of physical separation. He was advised to move out from the Jamaican witch but wondered why he didnt get it annulled. She followed him everywhere and he couldnt get rid of her. And he couldn't divorce her right away because of the house which she even got him to front up the entire deposit on their house. What a black bitch conartist and now she is enjoying the house with her 4th husband. How ironic, she is the executive director of a hospital and nj womens organization. A fundraiser in heart and mouth. She supposedly knew how to use her tongue which was her trademark in snagging husbands.
I hope the IRS catches up with her scam. The ugly black bitch from Jamaica married 4 times. Donna M Meade from Bernardsville, NJ. How did she pull this one. Now she is married to a young cub 10 years younger having sex in the same house. How disgusting.. She is 57 and very un attracitive. I saw a picture of her on the internet which she is found all over and she has the most evil eyes. I told my friend to let it go and let him deal with his hangups. She must ve destroyed him emotionally.
So you never know what the parents may think of their love interest even in a short period of time just as long as that person is a true person for his love.