Basically, I have been with my boyfriend on and off for a year. I went through an awful lot before we got together and lost quite a few friends along the way. Recently though, we've had a rough patch, and I considered having an affair. I read a few internet articles on it, and left it at that. I didn't pursue anything, and I didn't cheat.
I allowed my boyfriend to stay at my place while I was out so he would be able to lie down and relax a while. I came home that night, checked my internet history, and discovered he had been snooping through it and seen the articles. He brought it up tonight, along with another instance when he thought I had cheated on him. I had a fling during one of our breakups and he thought it was responsible for the breakup or had started when we were still together, which it hadn't. I had, however, seen the guy I had a fling with the night before me and my boyfriend had split up, and had told my boyfriend I was at another friend's.
He left things tonight saying he didn't feel he could trust me and he needed time away to think. He specified not to call him tonight, and we would speak tomorrow about the matter.
Is there anything I could do which would make him realise I haven't actually done anything that was cheating on him? I love him to bits and want this to work.
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Comments (47)
Tell him the truth again and again and again, and if he doesn't believe you, go ahead and cheat anyway, so at least then he won't think you're lying.
Honestly, give him time. You did make a mistake by lying to him about hanging out with the future-fling; and he's got every right to mistrust you. Right now, you're in a position where you're going to need to earn his trust back, if you want this relationship to have any kind of future.
@Schristian@xanga - I don't often agree with you, but...I agree o.O
For future reference, there's usually a delete history button.
To be honest with you, I don't really see WHY you think he should trust you when you said yourself that you considered having another affair, simply because the two of you are having a rough patch- that in itself certainly makes me think that you wouldn't think twice about cheating again if you had the opportunity; it also completely belies your statement that you "love him to bits and want [it] to work". If that was true, thn you'd be buckling down and solving the situation as best you could, not popping up your internet and reading articles on having affairs.
Good luck. Once the trust is broken, it's hard to rebuild. I know this first hand. Although my ex didnt cheat on me (the first 9.9 years of it), I found emails that made me doubt his honesty and his loyalty, it took me a good 3+ years to learn to trust him again. In any event, it was hard to recover but once I did, it was so easy to break. The trust was never SOLID. So I can understand where he's coming from. It's going to take a lot of work from both sides and I wouldnt blame him if he stopped trying to make it work with you.
@chayswag@xanga - Have we argued before? (It's pretty sad that, that is how I relate to the people on this site now... -_-;)
Thanks. I agree with what you said too.
How can one openly admit to wanting/considering being unfaithful, and still expect to be trusted? Or even be surprised?!
Yeah. You can rspect his wishes and DON'T CALL HIM. You betrayed him by even thinking about cheating on him, breaking his trust for you, and he has a right to be pissed.
But .... I guess, talk to him after he thinks about it and good luck trying to explain yourself out of that one.
As Schristian said what I was about to say, let him be. If I was your boyfriend, then I wouldn't want to talk to you either. I don't mean to be rude or anything. It's only logical and fair, so just let him cool off. The outcome may be in your favor. Good luck to you.
if he said not to call, then don't call... there's really nothing you could do about it... when a guy goes into his bat cave, he isn't really listening... but rest assure, he's trying to figure things out... and once he's figured it out, he'll leave his bat cave...
but yeah, he didn't seem to respect your privacy by snooping around your history (this also suggests that he doesn't seem to trust you fully)... i don't mind if girls start snooping around with my history, haha.. but that's because i don't even keep a history... also, when i delete stuff, i don't just delete it, i shred it..
He sounds like a pussy. You did not lie. You said you were at a friends house. Which I am assuming he is a friend? You then later had a fling with this guy, while you and the bf were on a break. You did not cheat. In my opinion he is being fussy about nothing and it is his lost but if you want it to work then i guess you have to do what he wants.
I think u should let him calm down some and let him call u. if u try to talk to him while he is upset then he might end up saying stuff that he doesnt mean.
Trust is a given until it's broken. When it's broken, you have to work your way up again and earn it. Don't just say it but show it to him that he can trust you. Of course he came to the conclusion that you had cheated before after you two broke up and you had a fling. I mean, some cheating just happens. Others, it takes time to build up. He was thinking about number two.
If all else fails, do what @Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - said. At the end, hey, at least he got the truth he kept pushing for.
As for now, just chill and give him space. Wait for his call. Other than that, there is nothing (really) that you can do. If he don't trust you now, even though you explain everything to him, he still wouldn't believe it.
@Schristian@xanga - I'm almost to that point as well :P
And...I'm not quite sure. But whatever the reasoning, she'll probably call him anyway. >.>'
Why did you consider cheating and go to the internet to read up on it instead of going to your boyfriend and talking to him? You will never have a good and trusting relationship without good communication. If you "love him to bits" you would not consider an affair during a rough patch. Relationships are full of rough patches, you can't consider cheating every time you hit one. Now that you've lost his trust (not that I blame him), if you want this to work all you can do is tell nothing but the truth. Work on your communication skills, do what you can to earn his trust back and make things better.
As for tonight, there is nothing you can do. He needs that time to think and figure out what he wants. Plus, you could probably use the night to figure out what you really want.
I think you should first analyze why you were even thinking about having an affair. Honestly, I don't blame your boyfriend for seeing that and getting upset. That really is a disturbing to come across.
Second, whatever trust your boyfriend had for you is destroyed.. you're going to just have to find a way to redeem yourself. Your boyfriend does need time to think, so I think you should give him space. If he is willing to give you another chance, you will have to work at earning his trust and that is going to take time.. so you can't expect him the act the same around you either.. you're going to have to be patient and he's going to have to work at it as well. Some relationships are just dead after things like this, so it really depends.
All you can do is be patient with him and do your best to earn that trust. Again, the part that worries me is that you were even thinking about having an affair.. you should really examine what you expect out of relationships and why you wanted to have an affair. Do you really love him? Love isn't enough in a relationship, there is so much more that goes into it.. you really have to work at it to make it great and analyze your expectations and his, and see if they are realistic or not.
@kyleberg29@xanga - And you're a douchebag. End of.
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - You do realise that you can pull up a person's history by simply typing in letters in IE and Firefox... right? Most of the porn I like can be accessed by just typing "a".
Give him some distance. And reassure him that you love him.
@Schristian@xanga - Well said. :)
I would just give him time, I guess. Tell him you love him, even if he doesn't believe you.
@Schristian@xanga - i don't think i have to worry about that... i've got nothing to hide...
what i might need to worry about is; streaming movies/tv shows/hockey games/etc online... oh shoot, i've said it...
i'm sorry, i'll try not to do it again... moving forward, i'm going to watch "transformer 2" in the theatre..
Give him the space he asks for and then try explaining (again)..maybe?
I think he gets a big ol F for going through your computer!
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - Well no. I meant it in response to you saying he was wrong for "nosing" through her history. It's not hard to access it. At all. Even by accident.
I openly admit to romming and pirating. Fuck em!
Give it time. You broke his trust by even thinking about cheating on him. Just be prepared if he ditches the relationship altogether. But reassure him that you didn't cheat on him. If he loves you enough, he will give it another go. At the same time, you need to figure out if you really want to be with him. Remember the great things that made you fall for him in the first place. That should keep you from cheating again. If not, it's prolly not meant to be. And if that's the case, move on.
Only you know the answer to the outcome of this.
You did lie. Like people said before, it was your fault. You broke the trust. So it's up to him tonight whether he wants to work it out with you or not.
Don't call him. The decision is his.
And if he still doesn't believe you, please, don't cheat out of spite like the women and unmanly men suggested. You'll regret it later. Save yourself some integrity. You will thank me later for feeling much more confident and better in yourself.