Monday, 22 June 2009
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Jealousy Factor Creepin' In
I don't consider myself a jealous person. I have enough confidence to know that if a guy is with me, he wants to be with me. If he wasn't into me any longer, he's free to go as he pleases. I'm not going to hold him back from what his heart truly wants.That is, until he came along. It wasn't until nine months into our relationship that I felt it. Oh it was such an ugly feeling! Did she, in her super cute booty shorts, really need to be hanging on my boyfriend? Did she really need to be taking countless pictures and flirting endlessly with him...in front of me? And why does she need to have her legs thrown over his lap?
I trust him completely. But that doesn't mean I can't get jealous. Oh, and believe me, I did talk to him about it. That very night. I felt completely stupid for getting jealous over a floozy girl like her, but I couldn't help it. I knew I had to let him know, or else it would continue to eat me inside. During our discussion, I discovered that he, too, gets jealous.
He gets jealous of the guys who chat with me online all the time. He gets jealous of the guys who call me to hang out to the bars when he can't come along because he's not quite 21.
I understand where he's coming from. We never tell each other what we can and cannot do. He's never told me to not hang out with someone, nor will he ever. That's not how we want our relationship to be.
I obviously don't like it when another girl flirts with him. I can't even imagine how I would feel if another girl were to call him all the time to hang out. Which is what his issue is: he hates it when other guys call me to hang out, even if they are just my friends.
So what am I supposed to do? Never in a million years would I want to hurt him. And I know that I do when I hang out with just guys at the bars, even though he knows I have no intentions with them. I don't want to quit hanging out with my friends though, either.
So how do we overcome this? Is it just something he has to come to terms with? How can we compromise? It's not like he can come along with me; he doesn't turn 21 for another six months. But I'm not going to just sit at home all the time, either. How do you and your SO deal with the jealousy factor?
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- From: fatal_mess@xanga
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Comments (39)
If my girlfriend always play with a boy ,I will jealousy ....
secretly force the bitches out of your boyfriend's life one by one
@testubebaby@xanga - lol What you said! XD
But on a more serious note, if a girl were hanging all over MY boyfriend like that, I would have already said something. To the girl. Right then and there. But that's just me. ;P
@testubebaby@xanga - Sounds like a movie plot...
well, I think the important factor to recognize is that his floozy has her limbs resting on him IN FRONT of you whereas your guy friends don't. You're not forbidding him to HANG out with anyone and he shouldn't either. Didn't he know you have guy friends you hang out with? Maybe if your buddies (the regular ones) meet your bf and he understands that they don't act ANYTHING like that floozy, then he'll understand it's a different dynamic?!
The last time I was in a situation like this, I ended up having dinners with guy friend and us (the couple), while my buddy(ies) asked about the possibility of a girlfriend hook up from my bf. hahaha that cleared A LOT of air....hope that helps! g'luck
@testubebaby@xanga - hahahah so something I would say.
This sounds like a 'trust' issue you two have. To be honest even if he could go to the bars (assuming he's 21 now) what would be the purpose of him coming along? Does he really want to meet your friends? Does he want to keep an eye on you? Or because he doesn't trust you? You both need your personal space and while you both should be upfront with each other about your feelings ie. you getting jealous when girls flirt with him & vice versa you guys need to spend some time APART from each other. Even if he was 21 he shouldn't be following you to the bars EVERY time you hang out with the guys. If he does that are you gonna follow him every time he's hanging out with some female friends? This sounds ridiculous. The both of you need to trust each other more. If you guys don't trust each other then why are you both still together? Relationships are built on trust and without trust the relationship is nothing but two people coming together for their own needs, be it protection, fear of loneliness or sexual desire. My 2 cents.
This is a complex issue; friends with the opposite sex, when you are in a relationship. The answer, in my view, has to do with the friends and their respect for the other partner and the relationship, and what their true/hidden desire is within the friendship. The partner and the relationship should always be protected from thieves and saboteurs.
You stated the word just, when talking about hanging out with just male friends at a bar. There appears to be just you, and several guys, hanging out in a place he can't go and can never join you at, where inhibitions are always being compromised. I would have a problem with that, if I were him. He is being kept on the outside. Is there a reason why you all can't go somewhere that you all can hang out together, or is this meant to keep him on the outside, and if so, why?
I guess you need to ask yourself which is more important to you, hanging out with your male friends in a place he cannot go, knowing that you are hurting him, or finding another way to keep your friendships, and also honor your partners feelings.
I totally understand, my boyfriend and I have this problem too, but it's kinda the other way around. I'm not the one that guys talk to and he gets jealous, he's the one that girls talk to and I get jealous. I hate how jealous I can get, but there's not much that I can do about it unless I were to tell him I don't want him talking to these girls who are his friends, but I would never do that.
The thing that I've come to sort of realize though, is that if you're jealous then you really don't trust your boy/girlfriend as much as you think you do. Jealousy is something all relationships have to endure, and if you talk to one another and come to a mutual understanding between yourselves then there really shouldn't be that much of a problem.
Good luck!
if it would bother you too (if you were in his shoes), then suck it up and don't go out every single time a guy calls you to go drink.
I have a jealousy problem but I ignore it.... which is probably a bad idea. The thing is that I control it so I don't let jealousy get to me ....he gets all happy if he ever gets me jealous because he complains I never get jealous. SO one day, he went to study with this girl at HER HOUSE ...alone. i lost trust for him because of it. He knew I don't get jealous and says he feels guilty and I'm like .....if u knew it was wrong you wouldn't do it. Just because I DON'T GET JEALOUS ... it doesn't mean I gave you the privilege...to do that to me. He wants to marry me right now and I'm in no hell going to marry his stupid ass. He does mature things like that to get a reaction out of me. That is just childish.
<3 Molly
@Iluvgillian@xanga - I really like the way you said it. A lot of times people, including the old me, use the relationship as a crutch and for selfish needs. In the Bible it says Love is not self-seeking, and neither should relationships be.
See if they can hang out somewhere other than a bar, that way you can bring him along. Is there a reason you can't do anything else besides go to bars?
hmm as for the guy friends, has your boyfriend met them? if not, then u should. it will give him some reassurance that they are jut friends and nothing more. it's not cool for u to just stay home u know because of his jealousy but make him understand that u gotta live ur life too and I'm sure he does the same.
as for the clingy girl, I'd show her some attitude but do it without losing your poise or classiness. I'm never really jealous as much but with my ex, onetime a girl (his friend) was holding on to him like she's gonna get lost if she doesn't and I told her, in a jokingly way, "get your own man!" LOL that sure made her stop =P
I would have said something to the girl if I saw it going on and cared as much as you do.
I don't know man I would be jealous and be quite pissed off at the woman who laid her limbs on my boyfriend. The only time I wouldn't be jealous of such would be if he was going to a bachelor's party of a very good friend and I know he's getting a lapdance for the fun of the bach party.
compromise. if you dont like the girls hanging all over him, he should understand your feelings and not allow them to do that. And if he's not comfortable with you going to bars with other guys, but dont wanna stay home, you can always go to other places where your boyfriend can join.
tell the girl to back off right to her face.
OWNED.
Invest in a fake ID for him.
It takes a lot of work to get over the jealousy factor. I still have problems overcoming it :/
The only thing I can do is reassure myself that my boyfriend loves me. Or else he wouldn't be with me. And I know he gets jealous from time to time, too. He just doesn't like to show it very much. But I do respect him when he tells me about guys he thinks are not "safe" to hang out with. He's usually right. And he respects me when I talk to him. I think the key thing is communication. Just talk it out and try to negotiate everything together.
@Iluvgillian@xanga - we do trust each other - completely. I just don't trust the other girls hanging on him. It's not necessary to do! He would love to come along and hang out with my friends. He's met them before and everything; he just feels left behind when I choose to go out. Trust and Jealousy are two different issues. I'm jealous of the attention the other girls get from him... even though i know it's not going to go too far. He gets jealous of the time I spend with other guys. There's no issue with trusting each other.
@Liquid_Pain_523@xanga - where i'm from, there's nowhere else to hang out. It's a small town. I go to the bars - but I don't always get drunk. I go to socialize.
Psh. If some hoochie-mama puts her legs on your man, you should say something immediately.
You should definitely go out with friends, but make sure your man is receiving more of your time than they are. Show him who's more important to you. Make him feel secure by doing things like: every once in a while, decline your friend's invitation to party and say you're going to hang out with your man (especially if your bf is in the room while you're saying so). Or after you come back from partying, hang out with your guy so he know's that being with him is how you love to end your night. Or take him out with your friends to someplace he can go.
Just make sure you never leave to go out with friends while already hanging out with your guy. He'd probably think you feel you're going to do something you'd enjoy more.
If your bf was in your shoes, would you like it or mind it? If yes, do something about it. If no, keep on doing what you are doing. Just cause he can't come along with you to the bars to hang out with your guys friend and you, don't mean there aren't other things you could do with him and your guy friends all together.
Uhhh, here's where I differ from you. I honestly believe that if some other girl is touching him inappropriately- i.e., booty shorts in the face, and freaking... touching him with her legs over him, he needs to put a stop to it. if he doesn't, you will. honestly. that's just wrong. I don't think you're wrong at all for being jealous about that. it's female friends that have always been my problem before- usually because I know they have other intentions and so does my bf (or really ex), but neither will admit it and it all comes out after the fact. UGH.
but as far as the two of you having friends of the same sex:
both of yall need to just come to terms with it.
I don't think jealousy matters as much as how you express that jealousy. If you get jealous because your boyfriend is friends with a female coworker and they never see each other outside of work, that's the kind of jealousy you should know is wrong, and it would be wrong to make your SO feel guilty about doing nothing wrong. I get jealous, too, but usually it's about stupid things, and I know I shouldn't be complaining to my SO about it because he's being a good boyfriend while I'm having inappropriate feelings. I always end up being okay over it because I know that what he's doing is perfectly okay. When he starts doing things that are disrespectful to me however that make me jealous, I act on that jealousy and try to make him change his behavior.