Monday, 22 June 2009
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"It's Not Like We're Dating"
But it sure felt that way. I met this guy online about two months ago. From what his profile read, he didn't seem like he had a personality, let alone did he look my type. I messaged him one day and that was when I entered this roller coaster ride.
The very first day we talked, we hit it off instantly. We'd cuss at each other, joke on each other, act as if we were best buds that had known each other for years. It was a great start in my book. About two weeks later, we both vocalized how we felt about each other. We had a strong connection. I liked him a lot. I stayed up late just to talk to him after work, waited by my phone for a text or call; I was sprung to say the least. It was definitely apparent that he liked me too. He had never been with a guy before, so he was kinda apprehensive with sharing these feelings. I would always ask him if he was okay feeling the way he does. He said his feelings were genuine, he wouldn't lie. I believed him. He was the first guy where things were going well since I've moved here. The first good thing going for me for a while, so there was some understandable excitement that came with this.
Fast forward about three more weeks. I had just gotten back from my trip to Cedar Point and I was talking to him through IM. For the past week he'd been talking about how his job has been bothering him by changing his hours. I told he could always quit, then he said that he might just move out to Ohio if he gets this one job. I was stunned. My mind started racing and my heart was trying to keep up. It took every ounce of strength in my body to type a reply. I put it in such a childish way that even he would understand:
me: you....ohio....me.....X
him: yea...
me: that's kinda far....
Then he delivered the knockout punch. Just when I thought he'd say something sweet to make it all better, he says...
him: its not like we're dating
I couldn't believe what I just read. That little phrase erased everything I thought about him. Everything we ever said to each other suddenly didn't mean a thing. I never would have said anything if he felt that way! I was confused and angry; I still am. Why would you give me this feeling of security and love if it wasn't genuine? When you said you don't lie, you don't. But you did. You said you could see us together, but I guess you didn't mean anytime soon. I have used this phrase before and now I know the damage it can do. I vow to never use it again. But that leaves me to wonder...If two people are acting like they're dating, yet aren't "officially", to me it's the same thing. Making it official is a cop out and an excuse if that is the only way for you to act a certain way or say certain things. Then again that is my extreme opinion.
So that begs the question, have you ever used this phrase before or have you been the victim of it?
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About the Author
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- From: DialogDistance
- Name: Quentin
- About Me: I'm a writer. Pure and simple, unlike my life sometimes. I write lyrics, though I can't sing well. I put them to acoustic guitar; that I can't do so well either. What I'm good at though is getting my point across. No matter what it is. I write because it is my life, I write because of my life, I write for my life. Other than that I'm your normal 18 year old college student- broke. "Verba volant, scripta manent" [Latin for: Words fade away, writings remain.]
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Comments (35)
Yes, I have and oddly enough we met online. And we had the same kind of connection, where it seemed like we could be best buddies (since my idea of a great romantic relationship is one where were are best friends) but then, I met him in person and it was as if the entire time on the phone and IM he was someone else. It was a deal breaker. I stuck around for a month or two afterward. Here is the punchline: Turned out he wasn't a US citizen...and in the end was looking for someone to marry fast. blah, it sucked to say the least. But I think things truly happens for a reason. You'll find someone else soon
Been on both sides of the fence. I've used it before because the guy that I was hanging out with always wanted to hang out. I mean, he wanted to see me at 11 at night when I said I was tired, I was getting ready to go to bed because I had to get up at 5:30 the next morning but he was still persistent. He said he just wanted to see me, even if it was just for a minute. I started to feel suffocated & overwhelmed.
I've been told that on several occassions by several guys. Similar situations too. I think people just change their minds on the flip of a switch. It's kind of sad because I cant just turn my feelings on/off like that. But you live & you learn. Its sad to say but sometimes it's better to have it happen sooner than later. Sorry. You're going to hurt for a bit, but in time, it wouldn't matter... only because not THAT much was invested into it. So be thankful for that. Good luck!
Yes, I'm going through this right now. It breaks my heart.
Guilty. I didn't realize it had such a negative impact.
I've never used that phrase before, nor has it been used on me.
I only use it when I'm really pissed because of something the guy did. I've dated this one guy for a few years, and we broke up just a few months ago, but we still talk and touch like we're dating, just without the title or commitment. It makes for a lot of tension, and whenever I feel like he's being a bit of a jerk, blatantly flirting with girls, calling up the girl he ruined our relationship with, I'll respond with "it's not like we're dating" when he gets upset when I go clubbing or talk to my other ex.
I don't know if I really agree with you...I like to have definite start and end points when it comes to dating. Whatever phase of friendship or romance I'm in with a guy, I like to make it very clear so neither one is breaking the other's expectations. Unless I've told the guy we're exclusively dating, I can do whatever I want, and he can do whatever he wants.
haha. Once, I was with the girl I liked and she was with some friends, bam. Straight through the heart.
T_T
that line was a regular line used in my last relationship for the first year or so until I finally decided that if "it's not like we're dating" then why are we always with each other. but every time he would say that to me, I would die slowly because it's not like I'm the only person with feelings here. it hurts to have someone say that to you.
maybe he used that line as a defense mechanism because he badly wants to believe that it'll lessen the pain. maybe he wanted you to respond with something that shows your affection for him... i dont know, i've never been in this situation before and i'm sorry youre hurting :(
What a heart breaker...
aw you poor thing!
Guess it wasn't the first time he had had those feelings. Getting played is a bitch! Remember it doesn't make you any less of a person because it happened to you. Good Luck and God Bless.
kinda.. just went through it. and i, like you - was also confused/angry/annoyed. ARHHH i cant believe it!!!!!!!
'.If two people are acting like they're dating, yet aren't "officially", to me it's the same thing. ' - yeahhhhhh i agreee.
hey girl i feel you. I'M TOTALLY IN THIS SITUATION RIGHT NOW. like, he didn't ask me to be w/ him but he tells me he loves me and we totally act like a couple. So confusing and i'm afraid to ask --- i dont wanna end up knowing that he's been playing me all this while, using the "its not like w'ere dating" line.
I was the victim of this once. My recent ex (who I met on the internet as well) used it a while back before he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a situation where there were a lot of girls flirting with him all over his Facebook, etc., and he was responding, even after he said I was the only one in his sights. I was a bit miffed and put out by it and asked him about it, and he retorted with "It's not like we're dating, stop getting so worked up over it."
I felt the same exact way you did, as I felt the same kind of connection of security with him. We had hit it off so well and he just dumped that on me. I didn't trust him after that and it took him a while to work his way back into winning that back.
It's one of those instances where that unspoken bond you have is downplayed for the other person's convenience. My ex is a huge player (he broke up with me because he didn't want an attachment, after all we went through), so it was a good phrase to throw at me. He knew I was sensitive and I loved easily and that it would affect me just enough to get me to back off.
People are fickle sometimes, and only want you for attention. Maybe that's the case with this guy. Either way, that was a jerky phrase to throw out after you hit it off so well and had that kind of relationship.
I have used it but never in that context. Maybe in a joking way to my guy friends. However, I have heard it in a much more serious way before. It sucks.
thats like the worst phrase to ever say to someone...it like crushes everything. And its even worst when, like in your situation, you thought you guys were more for a long period of time. Cause then its like omg...wow I just got bamboozled. like...how did this happen. And you really feel kinda heart broken.
well I hope you are feeling better about this! youll find someone better in person im sure. :)
aah :( used and been a victim of it. wish i didn't hear nor said it though..
i'm guilty of throwing out that line before, and i wasn't obvlivious to it being a bitch move. i felt bad. i know that's a major punch to the heart. he's not worth it. i've learned not to say it ever again either. even if something isn't official, there's still obviously something there and you should treat the person as if you were together, even if it's not written.
im sorta going thru this also. im sorry sweetie. :(
i'm sort of in that sitchuation right now :(
what a douche! if he's going to be like that, he doesn't deserve you anyway!
Oh I've used it and it was the worst thing I could have said. Little did I know we WERE dating and I really did like him but that sent him over the edge and he ended things completely. I was the one hurting in the end. I'm like you now, vowed never to use that phrase again. Good Luck
....however, he has expressed that he has never been with a guy before and I think he got scared. His career was probably stressing the crap out of him and aside from long phone calls and attentive IM/text msgs, have you guys actually been.... you know, face to face, on dates? If the answer is yes, maybe he thought you weren't serious?
it's amazing what a connection felt on the phone would encourage a person to say or do. AGAIN i'm not defending him but he's inexperienced in how to vocalize (and mean) what he says and feels. Maybe he thought rules of dating with a man is different from a woman. I know you're angry, I would also be angry, but did you guys actually SAY "hey you want to date exclusively?" I think we all have the tendency to assume things from the words we exchange. I've probably said something to someone else during an emotional late night phone call and shrugged it off ASSUMING that person on the receiving end wouldn't think too much of it. He assumed you would feel the same as him. Being clear is always easier said than done but it's the best course.
Hope your anger subsides and have better luck in dating. It'll get easier.... g'luck
maybe that was his way of letting it be okay for not going further with you and going after the job. that way, it's easy, he won't have to feel guilty about going because it's not like he's leaving anything behind (in his eyes). but that doesn't make it okay, because his implications and actions beforehand were saying you guys DID have something.
and yes, i've had a guy say it to me. to be fair for my story, we made it clear in the beginning we were casual. but i fell pretty hard.. and he started saying really sweet nice things you don't say to someone you don't feel anything for (like stuff he'd tell his girlfriends)... but then he sprung those words on me when i got jealous once..and that ended..
so, i really hate that phrase. and i feel your pain. i say talk to him, and if he's still an ass and doesn't really explain his feelings, get someone else. you deserve better than that! you don't deserve lies.