Sunday, 21 June 2009
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He Betrayed My Trust
My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past three months. We were seeing each other for three months before we became official. We also had a really strong friendship in the last year or so before we got together. When we first started going out, we had our minor fights but they was always easy to fix. When he has places to go, he tells me who he's going with and where he's going. Sometimes I'll joke with him and say "Oh come on. I trust you! Why you telling me that you're going out with her for lunch? I know you guys are good friends." He usually replies with "I just want you to know so you know what's going on." I thought that was sweet because he cared enough to share whats happening with his life.
Two weeks ago, it was our anniversary (three months) and he'd already told me ahead of time that he was going to a birthday dinner with his guy friends. **Note that I don't expect to celebrate every month but he said that is the way he likes to do it** I said that was fine, I'd stay home and he could enjoy himself. He left my house around 8 p.m and kissed me goodbye. Told me he'd be done around 1 a.m. since he was a little exhausted to be staying out late. My girl friend called me around 11:30 and asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her that he went to a birthday party and she said "oh, is he going to the Toga party afterward?" I was caught off guard and replied with "huh!?!?! no he's at a dinner and probably going clubbing." She kinda mumbled something about one of their (her bf and my boyfriend) mutual friends was having a party. Fast forward couple days later, we were all at his friend's house and they bought up the party. He talked about it like I knew and I just shrugged it off.
Last weekend, we went out to an event his friend hosted. He went and talked to everyone while he gave me his back. Never decided to introduce me to anyone, which made me feel like he was just ashamed. When we got back home, I bought up the topic on how I don't like to be ignored. Mind you, he never once introduced me to any of his friends. All the people we usually hang out with, I was friends with them long before we got together. When the talk became a fight, I told him how I was upset he never told me about the toga party ahead of time. He replied with "I never knew about it, and I didn't plan on going. For f**k's sake, I didn't have have a toga. I had to borrow my friend's shirt and cut it up. The birthday boy was there, just because there weren't pictures of him, doesn't mean he didn't go." I didn't trust him. The way he said it, the way he replied just doesn't seem right. The girl that hosted it was a good friend of his. How can he not know when the whole group of our friends did?
I found his email opened on my computer one day. Saw everything that he said to his friend. How he got his shirt all cut up and ready and how they were going to drop by the dinner to wish happy birthday then leave. He planned everything and told everyone to get a shirt ready and put it in the car to change. He knew and he lied. I feel really betrayed. I know there was a post recently called "Who Cares Who Your SO Texts or Emails?". I didn't trust him and I was right. I feel like he's being two-faced to me. He acts and says all these things, but turns around and tells a completely different story with his friends. I'm not dumb, don't try to play me like a fool. Even if you are, do it with other people i don't associate with.
What do I do? Do I give up and just try to find someone else without stressing about it? Or do I confront him but not tell him how I found out?
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- From: msLycious@xanga
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Comments (42)
If you do decide to dump him, be sure you have a good talk as to why you're doing it. Maybe he can learn from it.
Mention the foundation of respect
Tell him that he shouldn't feel the need to lie to people; if he wants to go to a party, then hell, go to it. But to not tell your SO, then lie about it, is uncalled for.
It sounds like a pretty immature thing for him to do, but we all know guys mature a little slower than girls anyway :P good luck, you know what's right in your heart, whether it be to stay or go. In the end, we can all tell you to "fix it", or "break up", or 'bust his balls", but it's your life, and your future. This is just the opinion of a bunch of strangers online!!!
I wouldn't say to dump him right away. Confront him about it first. You'll probably end up dumping him anyway, but at least you'd be getting the trust issue out of the way first, as well as figuring out why he hid the truth from you.
I'm sorry that happened...it really sucks. Sometimes similar just happened to me over the weekend as well. I was on my boyfriend's iphone, trying to write him a note (I always leave him cute notes for him to find) when I thought, "um he wrote me something cute last time let me reply to that." So I went to his txt messages and looked for our chat dialogues. But instead, I saw at the bottom of the page, from his close friend, "okay I'll be at starbucks." And I was like "what the hell?" So I went and read their dialogue. Turns out, the day that he was supposed to be at church hanging out with friends, he hung out with this girl...and it's not just a random friend. He had a huge crush on her, and they slept together before...AND him and I are long distance, and it just so happen that she's in the same city as me. So my boyfriend went behind my back, took my idea of a date (the Big Apple BBQ), and went out with her in MY city without telling me that he's here, knowing damn well that I was stressed at that time and needed support from him (because my test was coming up in a few days and I REALLY wanted him to be here but he told me he had a lot of work to do.)
Anyway long story short we talked things out, and I agree when your SO betrays your trust it's the WORST!!! I hope everything works out in the end. My boyfriend told me he would never do it again...we'll see about that.
Usually i'm not for confrontation, but he left his email up. so he's just asking for it. if you got into it yourself, it would be different. but he left it up, so you have every right to confront him about it, tell him it bothered you, and get an explanation as to why he lied to you.
the dude engaged in premeditated deception and he treats you badly to boot. I sincerely hope you don't have to spend your whole life with him.
@the_hidden_angel@revelife - this guy doesn't care hes not going to learn anything. I think she should spare herself the stress of 'the talk' which will only give him the opportunity to woo her, change her mind, and then put her through a bunch more crap. he knows what he did wrong. he doesn't care, thats all
If you confront him then you're just asking for another fight. Guys hate it when girls snoop. I hate it. That being said if you want to avoid a fight don't confront him directly. On the other hand it seems he's not too serious with you. If he really cared about you he'd introduce you to his friends and not hide you away like his dirty lil' secret. He's acting shady and seeing how it's already been 3 months I'd say he failed his probation. Your call.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - seconded!
Geez it's only been 3 months. I don't think he's that serious with you yet, maybe that's why he doesn't bothering introducing you to his friends. Or maybe he is serious with you. Only you can tell if he's a good boyfriend to you. And this is just hiding stuff he said to his friends, not like he's lying about talking with another girl. Maybe if he does it again, drop him. But if you feel he's been two-faced since the beginning of the relationship, dump him.
You can't trust him. Leave him
my boyfriend does things WAY worse.
id forgive him. just tell him to be honest
I HATE not being introduced. and you sound like a chill gf. so confront him. be like, "I want to know what's up with your shadiness, or you're getting dropped. you have one chance to be honest, because I'm worth so much more than this waffly crap." I don't even see why he NEEDS to lie when you're so chill about things.
He lied to your face and that was pretty shady how he didn't bother to introduced you to anyone. Everyone deserves a second chance but does he? That's all up to you to decide for yourself.
If I can't trust someone, I wouldn't be with him. I can't supervise him all the time.
trust is one of the ingredients in a relationship. if u dun trust him, i'd say drop him. i've been there, done that. i've given my ex-ex so many chance and at the end he still lie in my face. moral of the story is: if he lies to u one time, he's goin to do that again. u dun deserved that kinda man in ur life.
@goofball4@xanga - Totally agree
Helll nooo! He's not giving you respect- and you need to dump him asap!
you think he'll change?? They only get worst, especially if you're never going to assess the problem and face him. I feel like he's making you feel like shit, he's definitely not worth your time and effort
Thanks everyone for your comment. I really appreciate it. At first, before i posted it on Datingish for advice, I was thinking exactly the same thing - dump him. I've been in some bad relationships before, and i've always given all of them second chances so i thought i'll take this one for a second chance.
Iluvgillian@xanga is right.. Guys hate it when girls snoop. I was too afraid to tell him that i snooped so instead i bought it up to him saying that i rather him not lie to me because we have mutual friends at the party and I know what happened and what didnt. Our talk ended up to be 3 hours with nothing really solved.
On top of that, my friends have been sending me emails with this picture that was posted on his facebook. It was him and the girl (host of the party) sharing a cupcake cheek to cheek. I ended up bringing that up too. I told him that I'm cool with him having girlfriends and i'm cool with him going out with a bunch of guys. Although I'm not cool with the whole closeness with another girl, especially one that i never got introduced to even when she's suppose to be your close friend.
I understand that we've been only going out for 3 months, but we known each other for awhile and before we got into this relationship, we both had to think long and hard. Our best friends are both dating each other, therefore we're kind of putting them in between and also the friendship on the line. Also, even though its only 3 months, I didnt want to continue on something that i wasnt happy about but yet I wasnt sure that it was just probably early in the relationship that he's treating me this way.
For our 3 hour talk, i poured out everything on how i feel in the past couple of weeks. He just sat there and listen, once in awhile, a nod. In the end, he apologized for lying, saying he wasnt sure why he did it but he did. He apologized for not introducing me to his friends and also about the picture (which he said he didnt think it was a big deal cuz i should know he's a laid back guy). In my response, I knew he was a laid back guy, but now that he's not single anymore, there is more than one person's feeling to be caring about. If it was the other way around, I would think twice before I decided to get a little "close" with my male friends just because I dont want to make him think/feel in a different way.
In the end, he said he'll be a better boyfriend (heard it before) and that I should let him know those things right away instead of hiding it so I dont drop it like a bomb on him. Given credit for him saying that, I am sticking around to see if he'll change but my guards are up now.
Once again, thank you Datingish members for all your comments/help. I decided to go with the confrontation first before dropping him. Seems that he didnt fight back and said he'll try to make things better because he wants it to work just as much as I do, i've decided to try once more. No time limit but definitely more cautious.