So I've got these two friends. They are both so much a like which makes it obvious why I'm friends with them. They are sweet, caring, wonderful people and I trust them with so much. In the last couple years, they've both gotten into relationships with guys I don't much approve of. It's not my place so I never said anything to them about my dislike, I just let it go. Both girls said they were in love with these boys and they've talked to their SOs about potentially getting married in the future. They say all is well, they are so happy, the guys are so great, they will get married eventually etc. Fine with me, I believe them and I trust them that they are making good decisions.
Now, the first one broke up with her boy after two years of dating. She told no one at the time it happened. I, who thought I was one of her best friends, didn't find out until about two months later. When I asked her what happened, she said, "well, things weren't going that great for a while; it was a long time coming. It's okay" and when I asked for more information, she wouldn't say. After two years dating a guy I loved, I would have been devastated and she would have been one of the first to know every little detail of the whole entire thing. I put this off as just her being upset not wanting to re-hash the whole thing and forgot about it.
It's been months since friend number one broke up with her boy and we had that conversation. Last night I texted my most recent BFF to see what she was up to as we hadn't spoken in a while.
She replied to say that she and her BF are having problems and they hadn't spoken much recently. I asked how that happened, as they were in love and everything was fantastic last time we talked. She says, "To be honest, I don't know. We've been on each other's nerves for a while now and it was a long time coming...." Not only did the comment she made bother me, but the thing that got me is, she acted totally okay about it all. (These two friends don't know each other so it's not like they heard it from one another)
Here's my issue: if they were telling me the truth all the time that they loved their boyfriends, that they were going to marry them and they couldn't live without them, then why weren't they more upset when everything hit the fan? I thought we were really good friends and I thought that they counted on me to be there for them, so why did they lie to me and keep telling me all the time that everything was okay?
Even more disturbing, if they were lying about how good the relationship is, and it was really bad, why didn't they tell me? Do they not trust me or what? I wouldn't judge them. I never have before. And even if they felt silly for parading around saying they'll marry them, well hell, we've all be there. I always counted them to be there for me (and both of them have) so why didn't they believe in me for that?
Have you treated a friend like that? Have you had this happen to you? Am I silly that it bothers me so much my friends didn't confide in me?
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Comments (32)
Yes, I treat all my friends like that.
No, that doesn't happen to me. It's just you.
Yes. It's none of your business if they don't want to tell you.
You're just overreacting ... that's what i honestly think.
the thing is...sometimes, the closer you get... you worry that even your closest friends are judging you and your life: boyfriends, career, school, whatever. some people like to portray that their lives are PICTURESQUE and when shit hit the fan, they don't want their friends to know about it because their "happiness" wasn't really truthful and you start doubting them.
Not to mention, once you start thinking that they're not happy, they worry that all you're going to think about the relationship is that they were not happy rather than they had issues that they didn't feel to share with you. Just because you would share your breakups and relationship issues with these friends, it doesn't mean they're comfortable of doing that with you. It just shows that you don't really know somebody even if you were friends for years. Don't get your feelings hurt, whatever the reason is, they didn't feel that they can tell you honestly about their relationships without judgement on your side. Maybe, it'll change, maybe not, but that's their choice so don't be upset. It's THEIR relationship stuff....not yours.
in a relationship, there are ups and downs. maybe you talked to them when things were going well, and fell out of touch while thee had troubles. I'm like that.. my bestfriend lives a few cities away so i give her periodic updates of my life. I'm sure my relationship sounds really confusing to her because i'm either really happy with it or feeling down about it. and vice versa. I'm often very confused about her relationships because i miss a lot of the happenings from week to week. unless you're there with them every day of the way, there are bound to be skips that seem unexplainable to you. changes could happen in days, weeks, or months.
i mean, when i'm happy, i don't disclose all the things that annoy me at the same time. little things add up, and that's how it becomes seen as 'long time coming'. but seriously.. youre not part of their relationship, it's literally their problems with their SOs and not yours. it's not a matter of your friendship with them.
at least.. you can spend more time with them now that the bfs are out of the picture =)
I don't blame you for being hurt that your friends didn't confide in you. Because after all, they are your best friends. I've been there, and I know that it hurts my feelings too.
@kor_girl@xanga - I agree with you on that 100%.
I have close friends that open up to me about their relationship problems and some who choose not to talk about it. I used to open up a lot about my personal stuff with my best friend, until she began criticizing my decisions and what not. Since then, I haven't opened up to her about it simply because I know it would bother her. :\
Don't feel bad if your friends choose not to open up to you. Maybe it's because they feel afraid that you'll judge them, even though you're not that type. When they feel ready enough, I'm sure they'll open up to you. So for now, don't worry so much about it. Let them deal with it on their own. :)
Well, there's nothing you can do about it. If you talk to your friends, they'll probably just think you're whining over something ridiculous. So...
Oh well.
One thing i thought of is maybe since they talked so much to you about "love and marriage blah blah" that they're embarrassed to admit its over ya know? Or maybe they thought it would be difficult to talk to you since you dont have a SO right now so maybe they thought it would be hard for you to relate and sympathize with them. I do think you should talk to them about how you feel, maybe they are hiding something but not to lie to you.....
they might have felt embarrassed that their relationships didn't work after they put so much faith in them, especially when they knew that you didn't approve of their bf's.
maybe they were trying to escape the "i told you so's".
i feel youuu ~
I wouldn't take it personally. I don't talk much about my relationships with my closest friends--I'd honestly rather talk to people I'm less close to about my relationships. But it's not like that with everything else--the exact opposite, really.
I'm not sure why. But I don't think it's anything wrong with you, I think it's just something they wanted to keep to themselves while it was close.
Maybe they just wanted to forget about everything. And perhaps talking to you about it would hurt too much. Or it could be that they don't see you as a close friend while you view them as close friends :/
Don't take it personally. A best friend of mine was in your shoes and confronted me about it, but relationship issues can be complicated. Sometimes it gets more messed up the more you talk to others. I don't know about your friends, but I'm someone who just doesn't divulge much in people these days...and it's not a trust issue either. Remember that they have all right not to tell you, and if they're ready and willing they will.Â
may be your friends just doesn't want to hear the phrase "i told you so". all you can do now is be their friend and just support their decisions.
maybe they were in denial about the relationship itself??
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Lmao
Anyways, I never particularly like letting people know about my breakups. I would never like having the reputation as the girl who was constantly failing at relationships, so I do all I can to keep the breakups on the DL.
Well, when something happens between my boyfriend and I, I NEVER tell my friends. Just the kind of person I am. I'd rather work it out myself or with him then run to my friends. So that might be the case with your friends too, yeah?
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Yup, totally agree.
I don't tell my friends everything that is going on in my relationship, not even my best friends. It will only make things worse because I would end up comparing how my relationship sucked compared to theirs. Or they would add more things to the fire to make the relationship sound a lot worse than it really is.
If they didn't seem very upset about it, I don't see why they'd need to confide in you.
The other thing is that you guys probably drifted apart while they were with their boyfriends. Maybe you're not as close as you think? Sometimes you think your friends are closer to you than you are to them. I mean, for the second friend you said that you hadn't spoken to her in a while. If I had a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a while, I wouldn't feel obligated to tell them anything.
Yes I've treated people like that and yes people have done that to me. I don't see it as a big deal.
a few years ago, my best friend then didnt tell me she got a bf and that guy was her first bf. i felt quite bad after i found out from her a few months later. then, when she broke up with that bf of hers, she didnt tell me when it happened.
i think things like these should be shared with bestfriends and should be shared at the time it happened. personally, i tell me bestfriend abt my relationship thing the moment it happens.
I honestly waited three days to tell my best friend that my boyfriend and I broke up. For those three days, I was dying of heartache and I held it in. I'm usually an expressive person and I do tell my best friend everything but the break up was bad enough that I lost words for everything. I tried free-writing on Xanga and with a pencil in real life but no words came out. So being a person that kept something from my best friend, the reason I did tell her was because... I couldn' tell her. Although, when I told her... it felt so much better. Maybe your best friends also lost those words to describe their feelings... they probably did have a good two year relationship and when it broke - it was devastating and it got them to a state of shock. In this world, I think everyone has a secret that they don't want anyone to know. And yes... maybe your best friends are too embarassed to tell you how it ended after telling you that their relationship is going so well.
Yeah...I think I get what you're saying.
I'm somewhat closer to my guy friends than my girl friends.
But the guys--they don't usually talk about relationship stuff a lot.
I usually have to find out when they break up with their girlfriends via facebook.
Now wtfreak, right?
And when I talk to them about it, they don't talk about it at all.
I guess that's just the way some people are. Who knows?
I know for one, I'm a talker. I don't keep anything in. Haha.
I don't think it's because they don't see you as a best friend though.
I've done that before. When my friends didn't approve of my relationship I never told them we broke up because I didn't want the "I told you so's" I would have gotten. I never would have shared problems because I knew what side they would take. Yeah it sucks, but that's life.
I don't think its about you, they probably went through angry and denial, that they felt like once they spread out the news, it would be official.
That's a bit weird, but... I think they both just want to forget and don't want to talk about it. With anyone. I don't think it means that they don't feel the same way about you at all though. I'm sure they do. they're just taking the forget approach.