Sunday, 21 June 2009

• Falling Out of Love with the Idea of Being in Love.

  Over the course of my so-called love life, I’ve realized that somewhere along the line, I have fallen out of love with the idea of being in love. 
  
  As a pre-pubescent teen, my first few relationships had been relationships which I dove into – I did not really know the guys, nor did I really question if we were a good match – everything was exciting and so, I allowed my feelings to do the talking, and it steered alright.  Ever since my last relationship though, the one who I actually fell in love with – respecting who he was, admiring him and wanting to be with him forever (however long that is), I noted that at the end, that summer where I became a zombie, crying, wailing and good old fashioned boohooing, somewhere, somehow I had forgotten to love myself and somewhere somehow loving another person had screwed me over…deeply. 

  Now over the course of the next few years – years of the single life – of casual dating – former high school classmates, former college friends, blind dates, etc.  I’ve come to realize that these guys – guys who I’d probably be in a “serious” relationship with if I still had my pre-heartbreak teenage mentality, are guys who I’ve simply labeled as too much work and have now cast aside in the “no thanks” pile.  I’m starting to feel the meaning of the phrase “finding love takes work,” and this process of dating - of interviewing, of dinners - of small talk is starting to become…incredulously tedious. 
  

  Compared to my 15 year old self, my feelings – wary of the whole heart wrenching game that is love, is now buried somewhere in the back and my brain which was virtually nonexistent as a teenage lover is now doing the talking.  I’ve come to examine guys – scrutinize them, if you will - to see if they will provide a good future in a painstakingly rational manner.  Job? Check. Well mannered? Check. Good looking? Check. Love? Well, not really.  It is this end result – my inability to find someone to stir up my feelings and to capture my breath - that is troublesome.  Is my heart really broken? Have I learned to love myself so much that I can’t find someone worthy of potential love and with that potential heart break?

  They say that you can’t find love; love finds you and when you least expect it, boom! It happens.  With one look, somehow the perfect guy with the perfect glance and timing will look your way and somewhere, somehow your breath will be captured.  Sitting back and waiting is no problem for me, given that I am a lazy creature by nature but with the idle waiting, the ‘what ifs’ then seep in.  What if I will never get past my ex-BF  ? What if I never meet the one? What if I meet him but somehow I cant find it within myself to devote my whole heart into it? And finally, what if I’ll be alone forever (however long that is)?

  Now with the art of growing, realizing, and learning from past mistakes, being single and learning to love yourself isn’t so bad.  Heck, I always remember my anniversaries and I know I’ll like whatever I get me.  However, by our nature we gravitate towards companionship.  Humans by nature are not solitary animals although at times, we like to think we are. It just seems that true love, by its nature is hard to find, and hard to keep, making the process, well…hard. So at the end of this giant question mark that is this essay, have I fallen out of love with the idea of being in love or have I just given up on finding true love?

  • 1:01 AM
  • 2161 Views
  • 42 eProps
  • 21 Comments