Saturday, 20 June 2009
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He Was Texting A Girl Late at Night
I had a very open and honest relationship with my boyfriend of 3+ years. Despite his charm and good looks, I always felt that he was genuinely a good guy, and I could trust him. About a month ago, through some interaction I had a suspicion and accessed his phone records online. I found out that he had been texting/talking to someone late at night and into the mornings. I was scared and nervous. Not to jump to conclusion, a few days later I asked to see his phone. My fear worsened when I didn't see any of the messages from that number. I casually asked if he had ever deleted messages, he said "no" and insinuated that I was being an insecure girlfriend. The text conversations continued to show up the next few days, sometimes before he goes to bed and when he gets up. I finally gathered enough nerves to call that number. I was shaking when I heard a girl's voice on the other end and when I realized that it was the "friend" I suspected I just couldn't stop sobbing. I felt crushed that not only did he lie, he also went the extra mile to change the girl's number in his cell so I wouldn't know.
I confronted him and he denied everything at first, until he realized that I had access to his phone records he confessed. He insisted that their relationship was platonic. He insisted the conversations were innocent and about her boyfriend, but he only covered it up because he was afraid of how I would react since he believed I was already prejudiced against her. He apologized for lying, but said he didn't see talking to a friend as wrong. He insisted that he didn't initiate the conversations. He insisted that they had no feelings for each other. I cried for days. Though I was hurt immensely, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him to send her a text saying he can continue to be friends with her just no more late night convos.
For a month now I tried to bury the incident. A few days ago I looked at the phone records again and realized that he actually WAS the one who initiated the late night convos, and there were days that he didn't respond to my texts telling me he was sleeping yet he was texting her. This discovery is like a stab at my heart because to me it constitutes emotional cheating. I don't know what to believe anymore when he tells me, and I can't stop checking the phone records. I feel like the foundation of our relationship has been shaken, and I'm becoming the "insecure girlfriend".I want to move forward, but I don't know how.
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- From: yenoyen@xanga
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Comments (92)
From being on the other side of this situation (the other girl), you probably have something to worry about. I'm sorry... maybe you don't, but it's very likely that something could be going on or else he wouldn't feel the need to lie to you.
Are you secure enough in your relationship to stay with him?
It seems confronting him any more would be meaningless. You can't stop the conversations. You can pretend that they're not happening and go on with your relationship as you would normally. You could also end it quietly, with no hostility, just telling him that you have your own issues to resolve, or some such. You shouldn't be surprised if he ends up with her, but at least this way, it will be peacefully, without a dramatic tear that will be painful for both of you and hurt you even more when you sort through the lies. At least if you bow out, you will have your dignity and the knowledge that you were able to let him find his own happiness. If someone who isn't you really is it, why ought he to be a part of yours?
umm, well. i know this situation is bad but really.. you accessed his phone records online? I know he broke a trust barrier, but i think you crossed a line too in doing that.
But really, i think your trust in him has been shattered and who knows how long you will feel that way. IF your man truely cared he would try to redeem himself in anyway that he can, not just to get your trust back to show that he genuinely cares. And as for you, you just need to give it time. Yes a month has been alot of time but theres really you have to figure for yourself how to feel, and what you want to do about it.
But then again, if it was so very platonic he wouldn't have felt the need to cover it up the way he did. I dunno I wouldn't be able to trust him again.
I know it's bit shifty that you went into his phone records, but still it doesn't change the fact that he's talking to this girl in the wee hours of the morning while ignoring your texts.
The fact that you even got in his phone records and looked was a bit far. that goes to show you don't trust him, and henow even gave you more of a reason not to trust him. I'm in this situation, except I'm the other girl. & to be honest, I would be worried. Especially if HE is the one initiating the conversations. The guy that has been hitting on me, has been with a girl for awhile now, and he asks me to meet up with him all the time.
Sadly, I have to say. You should be worried.
OMG!! i am going through the EXACT SAME situation right now.. not only does my bf text this girl.. he calls her into the late nights as well.. im just as confused as you are and i know i should ends things, but i can't let him go nor will i let that girl ruin our relationship. Im trying my best to trust him but it is sooooo HARD! Mine has been going on for 4 months and we fight constantly over this!
At the beginning of your entry, you say you have an open and honest relationship with your boyfriend. If that were the case, why were you looking at his phone records? I think you need to ask him to stop texting her. If he doesn't, then he's not being emotionally faithful to you. Then I would dump him.
:/ Yikes. If you can move on, you can try, but I understand your fears. I would be pretty devastated if I found my boyfriend doing the same thing. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do, but perhaps you can try and distance yourself from him. Or talk to him about it.
I'm pretty sure he would be angry, too if you were talking to some guy late at night. You are in a relationship with him. Not the other girl. Therefore you have the right to tell him to stop. But maybe you should apologize for looking at his phone records. He probably thinks you think he's unfaithful when he isn't.
You've accessed his records online? Do you own the account? or did you
have such an open and honest relationship that he trusted you with his
online site? Or did you cheat and lie to get his account information?
Besides that: You've had an open and honest relationship with this man for 3-years? Yet, he covered up because he knew how you would react to
talking to the other person - what type of honest and open relationship
do you share?
Is the relationship being tested to see if he texts you back - is that Love?
With lies and cover-up comes the rationalization: "I did such and such
because you did such and such". He's texting someone else, so you check
his records; you try and text knowing that he's texting someone...and
he knows you're only texting him because you know he's texting someone
else!
What you are both doing is wrong. Have an open and honest conversation about what type of relationship you have.
um, massively sketchy! checking his phone records was a bit underhanded, but it sounds like it was fully deserved...especially since when you confronted him, he tried to shift the position of defense to you by claiming he knew how you would react in order to distract from the real issue. sneaky, sneaky! personally, i wouldn't be able to trust someone who's being so sketchy & a lack of trust means no relationship for me
: /
It's hard to move on from something that is still continuing. You guys need another "talk".
Well, I think he's lying. I find it funny that he lied until he realized you had proof, and then he tried to cover his ass like that. I think the way he covered was pathetic; and it's also a pretty usual cover, you know, "I didn't tell you because I knew you didn't like her already." Also seems like he's not willing to talk about it much. He knows that it bothers you pretty badly, am I right? If so, you'd think he'd chill out on talking to her. Obviously not. I do think there's something going on there. Talk to him about it. Like Meowmeow said; have another talk.
If he's not willing to work on some stuff, I don't see how this is going to work; considering your trust is pretty shattered anyway. I wish you luck. :/
It's funny because the same exact thing happened to me and my husband. while on his R&R, he was texting 2 girls that I had no idea about. After he went back to Iraq, I checked our phone records and seen that he had been texting this number back and forth at odd hours. come to find out, it was a girl cause I had called to see who it was. I confronted him and he told me straight up but there was lies in between. One thing about me is that I don't tolerate that bullshit--I don't care if it was friendly or not. you fuckin lied to me, what else you got up your sleeve yanoe? I was SO ready to divorce him. I suggest that you guys get to the bottom of this. I know you don't want to be the "insecure girlfriend" but times like these, you gotta put your foot down and come up with a solution. you gotta compromise. it takes time to let go of hurt. trust, I was there. that shit took me a WHILE to get over but I'm over it cause at the end of the night, he's in bed with me and I have his phone on me cause before, he would always have his phone in his jean's pockets and shit but now, it's sitting right next to my bed where I can hear it!
If you don't have trust in your relationship, it just wont work. If the guy is calling the other female and not responding to to, I'm afraid that's nto good. I think you really need to break up with him; it's you or the other woman.
I must say though, checking his calls wasn't very trusting, but if your insecure then you really can't trust him and well, that goes back to the first thing I said. Don't be blinded by emotions, and don't let it drag on.
It's a lil too suspicious on his side. He initiates the convos with this girl, you've been suspicious of this 'friend', and he lied to you about a few things. He should have been honest instead of being in denial until you gave him proof.
Even though he may not be cheating on you, it still sounds like he was enjoying the 'fresh new' excitement of meeting a new girl and flirting around.
If I were you, I would sit down with him and ask him if he's still interested in a long term relationship with you. If it sounds like he wants to play around, let him. Well let him by breaking up with him. Because if you don't...eventually he's going to sneak around some more...and the last thing you want is to let this relationship become toxic and hate each other.
the phone records thing is going a bit far. it shows mistrust, and relationships don't last with mistrust. as for the lying, that's kind of a deal-breaker for me. =/
im in that situation too.. except.. im the girl hes texting.. /:
and OUR RELATIONSHIP is like friends. LOL. nothing more (:
BUT IF I WERE YOU. I WOULD FREAK. and scream at him. and then start crying tell him how much i love him. and then call that chick meet up with her. hit her then leave. LOL
It's not your fault. If he can't be straight forward with you and tell you the truth, then I think he's not worth your time. But what really went wrong... how did you get a hold of his phone records?
I've been though a situation like this.. And just like you did, I checked his email account. After that I find it so hard not to be insecure.. I don't know how to stop.. But because he denied it at first.. He knew there was something wrong with it. Otherwise, he wouldn't feel the need to hide it.
When people lie about something like that, it's usually for a good reason. The fact that you found out about this should have been enough to wake him up and make him realize, hey, this needs to end. Whether he felt anything for her or not, he should have realized that it was a close call and he needs to really watch himself and possibly end contact with her if he wants to continue things with you.
If you feel like something is off, then you're probably right. Too often we make excuses for situations that don't feel right and stories that don't quite add up. I think you'll usually find, after the fact, that you were right all along. It's sad but it's true. If you feel like he's doing something he shouldn't be, and if you're uncomfortable with it, you're probably right. He needs to whip his ass into shape and if he won't do that for you, then you can do better. When you truly love someone and want to make it work, you choose her/him over all other potential girl/boyfriends...something he is not currently doing for you.
ive actually been there! he totally forgot i had access to his phone records because we pay the bill online. he'd tell me hes working late or was sleeping when i knew it was all crap. pure fking crap. he went away to another state for a month & for those months the conversations with me lasted 30 minutes while with her it lasted for over 100 minutes at a time!
after confronting & so much lying i finally had enough. i was so furious i actually told him i never wanted to speak to him again.. & i havent since.
WHY ARE YOU SNOOPING AROUND HIS PHONE RECORDS?
That's just wroooong! Seriously, that's a really bad call.
Anyway, you said "open" relationship? You mean like, no strings attached?
Well.. isn't what he did alright if it's an open relationship?
But if it's not, then just get another boyfriend.
ditch him dear.
he doesn't respect you at all in this relationship.
you deserve someone better.
and..... everyone is able to move on. =)
Been there. Except no phone.(Not that I would do any snooping.) He let her move in with him. Saying he was helping out a friend.
They slept in the same bed while I was away at college and he lied about all the time. He'd blow me off for her while we were dating, and he defended her and their "friendship" all the time when I'd confront him. To this day, even after being apart for over a year, he still denies he had feelings for her until after we broke up. How am I to believe that when they were that serious after just a couple months? And having a baby, no less. They have a kid now and are living in his parent's garage.
End it before all the lies just hurt you as deeply as he hurt me.
Okay first of all I just want to point out that I'm NOT defending his actions. That being said in regards to your quote 'But because he denied it at first.. He knew there was something wrong with it. Otherwise, he wouldn't feel the need to hide it. ' I have to disagree with that. Guys don't lie b/c we know we are doing something wrong (not all guys do). This is a timeless question which I have been asked by a lot of women 'Why do men lie?' After a long long long reflection I finally came up with an answer that I find numerous men coming into agreement with me 'Guys lie b/c women can't handle the truth.' Try putting yourself in his shoes, he KNOWS you would get jealous/suspicious/ask a lot of questions so to avoid these sticky situations he lied. Maybe he just didn't want you to overreact or jump to conlusions b/c he may have thought that you may overreact to all this. This is a similar scenario with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Same deal. Was asking why I was talking to other girls online blah blah why didn't I add her on all my myspace/facebook/orkut/xanga etc etc. I told her I needed my space. Since then the trust has been lost and I was angry b/c I felt she didn't trust me. Anyways b/c of that she's now an ex. So you have to think carefully, do u want to give up your platonic relationship w/ your bf of 3+ years b/c of some late convos at night? This is something only you can decide b/c each person will have a different tolerance. As to emotional cheating I know women believe its cheating but many guys still don't. Maybe he was thinking 'as long as I don't sleep with my friend it's okay' Tell you what, give him a second chance but MAKE IT CLEAR that if this happens again it will be over and make him promise you. Check his records again 1 last time in 6months - 1 year and if he's clean he's clean. But you will have to make sure that this check will be your LAST TIME b/c otherwise the trust will be gone forever. If you believe you ABOSOLUTELY must check his phone records for the rest of your lives (assuming you guys get married in the future etc.) then you may as well end it now. Without trust the relationship will be built on nothing but lies/deceit. You will have to decide but I say give him a second chance. He blows it he's done.