Saturday, 20 June 2009
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The Comfortable, Mature Phase
In my history of dating, I have dated 4 men. The last one being my current boyfriend. In my first 3 relationships, everything was the whole head-over-heels crazy initial love. It felt amazing. After a while, things would die down a bit. The guy would get comfortable with me, whereas I would still be in that initial love phase. It'd get to the point where I freaked out every time he pulled away from me and did his own thing. I assumed he didn't love me, etc, which clearly was not true. Clinginess in me ensued, and hath plagued all my previous relationships. Aside from the third (didn't work out due to our differences), that was the reason we broke up. Because I thought that being in love meant that you kept up the affection no matter what. What the hell was I thinking?
Enter latest boyfriend. Had a crush on him for two years, finally dated after I gave up trying and then he started to develop feelings for me. Of course I said yes when he asked me out. Had the initial love phase, loved it. He is my best friend of four years, so a lot of friendship is in this relationship. I could not ask for better. The same plot ran - his affection died down, and instead of me getting all clingy and paranoid, my affection for him died down too. It's different to me. My brain's not sure how to react - is it a good thing or not?
Given my past clinginess, it is a habit I desperately want to break. I think my mistake is that I confused being in love with being affectionate 24/7. Every now and then I do get clingy for him due to us being in a long-distance relationship, which will soon be over. However, sometimes I can get out of control with the neediness, as I did in January when we lived together between the time I graduated college and started an internship 90 miles away from him. We talked about it, and I've learned since then. I am determined to not let it strain us again. I'm starting to realize I do have a life outside of him, and that it's okay to have that. It wouldn't be fair to ask of him to spend every waking moment with me. And as they say, distance is what makes the heart grow fonder.
He and I could talk for hours. That's our thing in our relationship - we love talking to each other. Discussions about politics and news, or our future plans, or our favorite - remembering fun and hilarious times in the past with friends. We go on hikes together, cook together, watch movies, go on drives, that sorta thing. And I try to do my best to give him his alone time, which isn't really a problem because we're LDR.
Crazy enough, this is the only problem him and I have. Other than that, we are just fine. Trust is there, communication is there, we're doing great. You'd think I'd get this by now after dating him for nine months, but believe me, I am trying. It's not easy being a confident, mature woman when I've been used to this habit since I've begun my dating history. I am persevering as much as I can.
But every so often, I don't think of him. I don't question my feelings for him in any way though. They are there, this I know. I do not see myself with another man, only him; and I see a definite future with this guy. When I don't think of him I get paranoid that I'm falling out of love with him. Or is this the comfortable, mature relationship phase that society doesn't make so appealing as "falling in love", but really is a great thing and I am not realizing it? Sure I am worrying over nothing.
So, I ask: Am I falling out of love, or is it the comfortable, mature phase of the relationship?
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About the Author
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- From: DarkButtercup94@xanga
- Name: DarkButtercup94
- About Me: 22 year old female that just graduated college. Working a 6-month internship in GIS (Geographic Information Systems), job seeking and hope to find a permanent GIS job by the end of July. In a relationship with my best friend, things are amazing. I like rock metal music and going to rock concerts. My favorite band is Sevendust. I enjoy traveling and road trips. I am not like most women out there, I have more guy friends than I do girl friends. Sometimes I'm girly, quite a bit of the time I'm tomboy. I grew up Wisconsinite, proud of being one. Want to know more, just ask.
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Comments (24)
I'd say you're still in love, but past the honeymoon phase. Def. the mature phase of the relationship.
I'd say you're still in love for sure, it's just comfortable.
LDR's suck. And I think you're overreacting. Calm down.
honeymoon phase is over, now it's the comfortable mature phase.
what you're doing right now is just right! You're being realistic about life as it's important to maintain your individuality in a relationship (LDR or not)! and that's the best place to be in! you should be happy actually
[a little distance always makes the heart grow fonder]... mature it is!
I think you're realizing that love isn't about being all over each other 24/7. Most girls think that and that's why a lot of girls end up sad and heartbroken. It's good to be attracted to the person, but after awhile the relationship becomes so much more than that. There are certain things you just know and you don't have to constantly remind each other that you love each other. I think it's great that you're getting like this. Don't freak out, and I'm sure the honeymoon phase will come back. Those things come and go, just dont freak out when it's not there. Accept it as a part of life. also you wouldn't get sick of that ALL the time after 20, 30, 40 years of marriage? my parents have been married 35 years and their honeymoon phase comes and goes but even when it's not there they know how much they love each other and they know they were meant to be together
I think you're just getting comfortable with the relationship :)
I'm in the same position as you are, minus the LDR... stop the worrying and just stay the course of your healthy relationship. (: adorable read.
I think you guys being best friends before has helped you with being clingy. Or it might just be because you've been together for a while that your clingyness dies down (as mine did after a year haha). You guys are probably just past the whole honeymoon phase.
I can totally relate, sounds kind of like where I am now with my bf. And considering some of the mistakes and just poor decisions i've made in the past, I do wonder on those moments if its all coming back or if we're growing apart. But as soon as I start talking to him or just spend time with him it melts away and I realize I was overreacting. We're about to start our LDR phase considering college starts in the fall, but we're different than most, so i'm not too worried.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - I am. Haha. I am a worrywart at heart. One of the hardest things to control, hands down.
@liubecky@xanga - I agree! The friendship def helps.
Thanks for the advice peoples! I just need people (a lot of them) to tell me to calm the frick down. =P
I am in a relationship that has lasted now for 4 1/2 years.. LDR as well.. it is much better during the semester actually, we see each other every other weekend..
I can definitely relate. Sometimes I worry that we are moving apart, but really we each have our own lives and our relationships go through phases.. as do all. I know that, and that's what keeps worry's like that at bay. From what I hear, it does sound like the more comfortable part of the relationship.
The important thing is never losing sight that the love is still there, and that you feel you can communicate and understand each other. I've had people who know me and have seen us together come up to me and ask how we do it, because we are at that phase really where everything is just soo comfortable and out in the open.. It really is reaching that level with who you're with.. It's getting to the point where you don't need to physically be there with the person all the time to know without a doubt that that person loves you and he knows you love him. I think that level is what you reap once you establish everything else and go through trials and obstacles, only to overcome them.
I had an LDR relationship...of 3,000 miles. D:
When you said 90, I instantly though that it must be way easier than my LDR was. But I'm probably wrong. The distance doesn't matter; it's the fact that there's distance at all.
Anyway, calm down, honeybunches!
It's all good. You're just gettin' comfy! :D
comfortable phase.
but don't get too comfortable, because being missed, and missing the other is an integral part of LDR.Yeah, it's most likely the comfortable, mature phase.
@sozpa@xanga - I agree. The honeymoon phase is over, and you're more relaxed. But that doesn't mean you aren't in love.
Sigh, I wish I had this situation. Much better compared to many other girls out there with more deplorable circumstances.
i think it is the comfortable and mature phase.
i call it the 'stable' phase.
I think you are for sure still in love, like pretty much everyone else said. And I think this part of the relationship is what truely matters. Like, you're now comfortable with him, and as long as things don't die down too much, then you've got the perfect relationship.
I am SO guilty of this thing... my last relationship, after 2-3 months of dating, I felt like our affectionate stages were disappearing... that crazy IN LOVE reaction from him was starting to empty out and I noticed that change in him. I used to wonder, why it does that... why it dies down like that, why didn't he just start slow and as time passed, the affections either CONTINUE that stage OR it builds up bigger... but once I've come to accept that he doesn't love me any less, but he's seeing the REAL me and I'm seeing the REAL him beyond the love-inthe-eye mask. :)
it takes time and it does mean you're getting comfortable in being yourself, loving what you love and him being able to handle that. In the honeymoon stage, you are not thinking all that straight so once the brain and the hormones settle, it's inevitable. The most important thing is that even if it's comfortable, you two still have the affection for each other... that's what matters; not how lovey-dovey you can keep up. That's exhausting for a long-term goal.
i wish i were more like you, in terms of being less clingy.
This pretty much explains where I am now. I love how you gave me a new perspective to the situation. It definitely is the comfortable phase. No need to worry. :)
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Hit this sucker square on the head.
There's no such damn thing as a "honeymoon phase" which then "grows into" a "mature phase." That's bullshit. That's like saying that everyone under the age of 25 is "immature" and everyone over the age of 25 is "mature." Yeah, you'd complain, right? Well you'd be right to. Same weaknesses obtain in this "honeymoon/mature" bullcrap.
Based purely on what you've written, I think you get paranoid when you're not able to give and receive affection RIGHT NOW. So you wind up in a LDR, feeling in love but also feeing paranoid. Yeah, it's the distance and the fact that you have trust linked to direct attention. This LDR will give you a chance to unhitch trust from direct access.
There's no reason that doing this should be seen as "post-honeymoon" or "mature" or any shit like that. Plenty of immature people can trust others. Plenty of mature people can't. Trust over distance, ALONE, is NOT the marker of whether a relationship is mature or not.